Everything and Nothing at Once

1. Black Masculinity is a Complex, Often Harmful Construct

To be Black, to be a Black man in the era I grew up in, was easily everything and nothing at once.

Defined by external forces. Black masculinity is often shaped by media portrayals, societal expectations, and the white gaze, creating a tapestry of conflicting images. Growing up, the author absorbed messages that linked Black manhood to material possessions, aggression, and the objectification of women, leading to a narrow and often toxic understanding of self.

Internalized rules. These external pressures create unspoken rules and traditions within the Black community about how men are "supposed" to behave. Challenging these norms, whether through expressing sensitivity, having diverse friendships, or simply not conforming to physical stereotypes, can lead to ridicule and judgment, even from within one's own community.

A call for redefinition. The author proposes a new framework for Black masculinity, one that prioritizes honesty, respect for women, emotional intelligence, and vulnerability over traditional machismo. He offers "commandments" like giving up your seat, stopping catcalling, and being aware of male privilege as steps toward a healthier expression of Black manhood.

2. Trauma and Shame Shape Identity, Especially for Black Men

My belly is a mere stratagem for the frail and slight version of myself I hide behind.

Hiding the hurt. The author uses his physical appearance, particularly his belly, as a metaphor for the trauma and shame he carries. He describes hiding his body and his feelings, linking this behavior to childhood experiences of poverty, sexual abuse, and the cultural pressure on Black men to suppress vulnerability.

Internalized pain. Growing up, the author learned to internalize pain and seek self-inflicted discomfort (like picking his lip or poking his stomach) as a way to cope with emotional distress. This reflects a broader cultural pattern where Black men are often not taught how to process feelings, leading to harmful coping mechanisms.

Seeking healing. Therapy became a crucial tool for the author to unpack his past trauma, including childhood sexual abuse and the impact of his father's struggles. He emphasizes that healing requires confronting difficult truths and challenging the stigma around Black men seeking mental health support, arguing that vulnerability is a sign of strength.

3. Authentic Male Friendships Require Vulnerability, Not Just Proximity

The depth I sought in Black male counterparts was accessible and in a cultural language that met me and others where we were.

Beyond shared space. Growing up, the author's male friendships were often based on proximity and shared activities like sports or music. While meaningful, these relationships often lacked the depth and vulnerability needed for true intimacy, as cultural norms discouraged Black men from openly discussing feelings or struggles beyond surface-level topics.

Learning a new language. College and later adulthood introduced the author to male friendships that allowed for greater emotional honesty and support. He contrasts these relationships with earlier ones, highlighting how the lack of language around vulnerability, patriarchy, and accountability limited deeper connection among men.

Redefining intimacy. The author's friendship with Ty becomes a central example of a Black male friendship built on mutual support, shared interests (from hip-hop to food to art), and emotional honesty. He argues that Black men need to cultivate intimate friendships that go beyond traditional expectations, recognizing that love and support are not exclusive to romantic relationships.

4. Fatherhood Redefines Purpose and Challenges Traditional Roles

I wanna be a father / Wanna raise a daughter.

Challenging stereotypes. Becoming a father forced the author to confront his own fears and the societal stereotype of the absent Black father. Despite not being in a traditional two-parent household initially, he committed to being present and involved, actively participating in his daughter's care and challenging the notion that emotional labor is solely a mother's responsibility.

Co-parenting as a new model. The author highlights co-parenting as a necessary and valuable approach, especially when traditional family structures are not present. He describes the challenges and rewards of navigating a co-parenting relationship, emphasizing communication, accountability, and prioritizing the child's well-being above personal conflict.

Finding connection through nature. Unable to physically feel his first daughter's kicks during pregnancy, the author developed a unique practice of talking to trees as a way to connect with her. This personal ritual became a portal to finding a deeper sense of connection and purpose in fatherhood, illustrating how love and connection can manifest in unexpected ways.

5. Capitalism Exploits Black Culture and Aspirations

Capitalism will dupe you into believing that Black wealth is the key to our liberation, as opposed to Black wealth being the key to fueling more capitalism.

Selling the dream. Capitalism leverages the aspirations of Black people, particularly those from disadvantaged backgrounds, by commodifying symbols of wealth and success like gold chains, luxury cars, and designer clothes. Hip-hop culture, in particular, has been instrumental in selling this lifestyle, often rooted in the drug trade and hustle, as a path to upward mobility.

Proximity to cool. The author reflects on his own desire for material possessions and "coolness" as a young man, linking it to the images presented in rap magazines and music videos. This illustrates how capitalism creates a transactional currency around Black culture, where authenticity and status are often measured by the ability to acquire and display wealth.

The illusion of liberation. While Black success stories like Jay-Z's are often presented as examples of liberation through capitalism, the author argues that this perspective is flawed. He points to instances where Black wealth and influence are used to further capitalist agendas (like the Barclays Center development or NFL partnerships) that may not benefit the broader Black community, highlighting the inherent violence and inequity of the system.

6. Black Art Redefines Itself Beyond the White Gaze

Black art isn’t stagnant. Nothing is.

Beyond definition. Black art is fluid and multifaceted, resisting easy categorization or definition, especially when viewed through the lens of the white gaze which often seeks to co-opt or diminish it. The author argues that Black art is inherently Black simply by being created by Black people, regardless of genre, style, or subject matter.

Challenging norms and expectations. Good Black art takes risks, pushes boundaries, and challenges existing norms and stereotypes about Blackness. The author praises artists like Jerrod Carmichael and Donald Glover for creating work that is experimental, intimate, and speaks to the complexities of the Black experience without solely catering to external expectations.

Art as a reflection of life. The author connects his appreciation for Black art to his own upbringing and cultural influences, recognizing that personal taste is shaped by community and experience. He argues that Black art, from music to film to comedy, serves as a vital reflection of Black life, offering insights and connections that may be lost on those outside the culture.

7. Visibility Can Be a Defense Mechanism, But Also a Danger

To be Black is to be seen by everyone and no one at all; to be at once coveted and loathed; to be both heard and misunderstood—both herd and cattle, martyr and savior.

The pressure to be seen. Black men often feel immense pressure to be visible and successful, driven by a desire to prove their worth in a world that constantly questions their right to exist. This leads to a "visibility checklist" of external markers of success, used as a defense mechanism against invisibility and marginalization.

A double-edged sword. While visibility can bring success and recognition, it also comes with inherent dangers for Black men. The author points to the tragic deaths of figures like Nipsey Hussle and PnB Rock, who were killed in the communities they came from, illustrating how visibility can make Black men targets.

Public performance of pain. The author discusses public spectacles involving Black men, like the Will Smith slap or the viral video of the nurse and the Black teens, as instances where Blackness is put on display for public consumption and judgment. He argues that these moments, while seemingly unique, are rooted in the historical violence and dehumanization of Black men, where their pain and struggles become entertainment.

8. Finding "Afro-Normalism" Means Embracing the Mundane

Afro-normalism (ahf-roe nörm/a-leišm): the art of capturing, depicting, and celebrating Black people doing things that are considered mundane and ordinary to the general public.

Beyond excellence and trauma. The media often portrays Blackness through extremes: either exceptional achievement ("Black excellence") or tragic suffering (violence, poverty, trauma). This leaves little room for depicting the ordinary, everyday lives of Black people, creating a distorted and incomplete picture.

The beauty of the banal. The author advocates for "Afro-normalism," celebrating the simple, mundane moments of Black life—walking the dog, having coffee with a friend, family gatherings, everyday routines. He argues that these moments are just as valuable and beautiful as extraordinary achievements or depictions of struggle.

Normalcy as resistance. In a world that constantly demands Black people perform, hustle, and overcome adversity, simply "being" and finding comfort in the ordinary can be an act of rebellion. Boredom, often seen as a luxury of privilege, becomes anti-capitalist when embraced by Black individuals, challenging the narrative that Blackness must always be in motion or striving.

9. Leaving Home Carries Survivor's Guilt and Lingering Connections

The funny thing about leaving where you came from is looking back at what and where you left and not remembering what parts of you or things of yours you left along with it.

Migration and displacement. The author reflects on the history of Black migration, from the Great Migration to personal moves for opportunity or safety. Leaving home, whether a specific neighborhood, city, or even country, is often driven by a search for something better, but it comes with the pain of leaving people and places behind.

The weight of guilt. Being the one who "made it out" can lead to survivor's guilt, a feeling of shame or responsibility towards those who stayed or faced harder circumstances. This guilt is compounded by the knowledge that the opportunities sought are often built on systems that perpetuate inequality.

Home is fluid. Home is not just a physical location but also the people, memories, and experiences that shape identity. The author's journey, marked by multiple moves and returns, illustrates how the concept of home is fluid and complex, constantly being redefined by relationships and personal growth, even as the past continues to exert its influence.

Last updated: May 15, 2025