488 Rules for Life

1. The Fundamental Rule: Don't Take It Too Seriously

If you don’t agree with a rule, forget about it, move on to the next one

It's a joke. This book, inspired by Jordan Peterson's 12 Rules, is fundamentally a humorous take on everyday annoyances and social norms, not a rigid dogma for living. The author acknowledges that 488 rules are excessive and expects readers won't agree with all of them. The point is to find rules that resonate and perhaps feel validated in your own pet peeves.

Rules for a nicer world. While presented humorously, the underlying premise is that a lack of clear etiquette guides has contributed to a decline in basic courtesy. The book aims to fill this gap, offering guidance on how not to behave in various situations. Adhering to these rules, even just some of them, is proposed as a way to make the world a slightly less irritating place.

Don't be annoying about it. The author explicitly warns against getting angry or complaining online about the rules. If you don't like a rule, simply ignore it. Conversely, if you find yourself disagreeing with all the rules and thinking people should just "live and let live," you might be one of the annoying people the book is trying to address.

2. Basic Courtesy Is Non-Negotiable

If you don’t know the rules, how are you supposed to abide by them?

Ignorance is no excuse. Many instances of rude behavior stem from a simple lack of awareness of basic courtesy. The book posits that formal guides to etiquette, like those from Debrett's or Emily Post, are missing in the modern world, leading to widespread ignorance of how to behave. This book attempts to rectify that.

Simple acts matter. Politeness isn't complicated; it's about being mindful of others. Examples include:

• Being polite to waitstaff (they handle your food!).
• Acknowledging someone waiting at a counter.
• Not calling older people overly familiar terms like "darling" or "hun" in a retail setting.

Spread goodwill. Small gestures of courtesy, like a thank-you wave when someone lets you into traffic, contribute positively to the social environment. Conversely, failing to show basic respect or acknowledgment is a common source of irritation.

3. Your Home Needs Rules, Especially the Bathroom and Kitchen

Replace the toilet roll

Shared spaces require consideration. Living with others means adhering to basic rules to maintain harmony and hygiene. Simple acts like replacing the toilet paper roll or flushing are non-negotiable adult responsibilities.

Hygiene is paramount. The bathroom, in particular, is not a place for lingering or conducting other activities. Rules emphasize:

• Having a door on the bathroom (no open-plan en suites!).
• Not taking food or drinks into the toilet.
• Flushing, pausing, and checking (FPC) to leave no trace.
• Avoiding phone calls while on the toilet.

Kitchen duties. The kitchen also has its own set of rules, particularly regarding shared responsibilities and cleanliness. The dishwasher is a magical tool and should be used correctly, not just as a dumping ground. A key rule for couples or families is that the person who cooks does not also clean up.

4. Office Etiquette Prevents Annoyance

Don’t take your wang out at the office, ever

Professionalism and respect. The workplace, especially open-plan offices, requires heightened awareness of how your behavior impacts colleagues. Basic decency is paramount, including keeping private parts private.

Minimize distractions. In shared office environments, noise and personal habits can be highly disruptive. Rules include:

• Turning phones to silent during office hours.
• Going easy on "reply all" emails.
• Avoiding personal phone calls in open-plan areas.
• Not eating stinky or noisy food at your desk.

Forced fun is not fun. Team bonding activities and themed dress-up days should be optional, respecting that not everyone enjoys mandatory social events. Humorous signs around the office are rarely funny after the first viewing and should be avoided in favor of clear, direct communication. Hot-desking is deemed "employee abuse" and highly unproductive.

5. Mind Your Manners While Eating and Dining Out

Eat like someone is watching

Chew with your mouth closed. Basic table manners are essential, whether you're alone or in company. Eating "with awareness" prevents developing bad habits like shoveling food, overloading your fork, or "smack-smacking" (chewing with your mouth open). "Chipmunking" (talking with your mouth full) is also frowned upon.

Restaurant decorum. When dining out, courtesy extends to waitstaff and fellow diners. Rules include:

• Lifting, not dragging, your chair.
• Being polite to waitstaff (they handle your food!).
• Not expecting the chef to alter dishes for dietary fads (unless it's an allergy).
• Respecting the non-drinker by not making them pay for alcohol.

Avoid annoying trends. Certain restaurant practices and customer behaviors are particularly irritating, such as serving food on non-plate items (planks, tiles), communal salt dishes (bacteria!), or cafes that make you order at the counter and wield a numbered stick. Asking "still or sparkling?" is seen as a subtle way to gauge a customer's budget.

6. Navigate Relationships and Dating with Common Sense

Never propose to someone in public

First impressions matter. On a first date, avoid common pitfalls that can immediately signal incompatibility or desperation. This includes being late, talking excessively about exes, or showing too many photos (especially of kids, dogs in outfits, or cropped exes). Avoid eating nuts or rice crackers before a potential kiss.

Couple conduct. Once in a relationship, certain behaviors should be avoided to maintain respect and avoid annoying others. This includes public displays of affection that block thoroughfares (like escalators), using overly cutesy pet names too early, or using the word "lover." Farting or picking your nose in front of your partner is contentious but generally advised against.

Online dating and friends. Online dating profiles should use current, normal photos and avoid clichés like listing "loving your kids" as an attribute (for men) or using photos of yourself jumping (for women). For friends of couples, wait until they've broken up twice before offering your true opinion on the ex.

7. Parenting and Pets Require Responsibility

Do not negotiate with children

Set boundaries. While the author is childless, she offers strong opinions based on observation. A key rule is to avoid negotiating with children, as giving in sets a bad precedent. Parents are responsible for their child's hygiene (wiping snot!) and behavior in public spaces.

Public conduct with kids. Taking children out requires consideration for others. Rules include:

• Breastfeeding is fine anywhere; large Bugaboo prams clustered in cafes are not.
• No bare bums on tables when changing nappies.
• Don't put your child on the phone just to say hello; they're bad conversationalists (except maybe with Grandma).
• Reserve "good job" for genuinely difficult or useful tasks, not basic functions.

Pet ownership. Owning a pet is compared to having a toddler in terms of responsibility. Key rules include picking up dog poo (always!), not letting dogs off-leash if you can't control them, and understanding that animals don't act out of spite. For cat owners, the litter tray should be cleaned every time there's a poo.

8. Avoid Fashion Faux Pas and Age Gracefully

All buttons on or below the nipline must be done up

Dress appropriately. Certain fashion choices are deemed universally unflattering or inappropriate for specific contexts or ages. This includes:

• Men wearing football jerseys or NBA singlets for a night out.
• Avoiding "shoe mash-ups" like high-heeled sneakers or boot sandals.
• Wearing socks with shoes (hygiene!).
• Avoiding "fun" applique or sequined tops after forty (unless you're over sixty and embracing the "fun old bat" look).

Denim and leather. Specific rules apply to denim and leather: double denim is only for "really hot people," and leather pants are difficult to pull off at any age due to weight, lack of breathability, and the risk of looking like a couch.

Aging appearance. As you age, certain appearances should be managed. Old men should cut off long hair. Lying about your age is pointless. Put your feet away (get pedicures!) if you're going to wear sandals in retirement. Avoid excessive makeup, especially contouring (risk looking like a Lion King extra) and big false eyelashes. Leave your eyebrows alone; don't draw them on heavily.

9. Be Considerate in Public Spaces and While Traveling

Headphones, headphones, headphones

Minimize noise pollution. Whether on a plane, train, or bus, using headphones is a fundamental courtesy to those around you. Nobody wants to listen to your movie, music, or game sounds. This rule is so important it's repeated.

Respect personal space. Public transport and airports are areas where personal space is often invaded. Rules include:

• Not sitting immediately next to someone on public transport if other empty seats are available.
• Moving your bag off a seat when public transport gets crowded.
• Standing back from the baggage carousel at the airport to allow others access.
• Avoiding "bunching" in queues.

Travel etiquette. Specific rules apply to air travel and driving. On short flights (under 2 hours), don't recline your seat. Never walk around the plane barefoot, especially to the toilet. The person in the middle seat gets both armrests (apparently). When driving, courtesy waves are mandatory when someone lets you in. Be ready at a red light to move promptly. Vacate a parking space quickly if someone is waiting.

10. Technology Demands New Etiquette

Don’t answer your phone if you’re busy

Your phone isn't your master. You are allowed to ignore your phone calls and texts. You don't need to be constantly contactable or drop everything when your phone rings. Use your phone voice quietly in public, and never use speakerphone.

Online behavior. Social media and online interactions have their own set of rules to prevent annoyance and maintain decorum. Rules include:

• Don't use social media to declare feelings for your partner (tell them in person!).
• Enjoy events in real time, don't just post about them.
• Don't post photos of yourself doing yoga (it contradicts the philosophy).
• Nobody wants to sign your change.org petition (do something more active).
• Don't make a celebrity death about you.
• Avoid "humblebrags" or hack expressions like "feeling blessed."

Blogging and commenting. Online content creation and interaction require consideration. Bloggers should be concise, have a topic, and give the recipe without the life story. Internet commenters should avoid reading the comments section, and definitely avoid writing in it. If you must comment, use your full name and ensure your comment is relevant and based on reading the whole article. Don't engage with "comment terrorists."

11. Choose Your Words Wisely

Wellness is not a word

Avoid annoying jargon and clichés. The English language is vast, so there's no need to resort to overused, nonsensical, or irritating words and phrases. Examples include:

• Words used in ads ("hangry").
• Describing yourself with clichés ("GSOH," "dark/unique sense of humour").
• Phrases like "First World problems" (unless you're experiencing a Third World problem).
• Using nouns as verbs ("clown") or verbs as nouns ("feed").
• Referring to your wife as "the boss."
• Describing inanimate objects as "sexy."
• Using "literally" incorrectly or unnecessarily.

Youth-speak vs. old-speak. Don't try to adopt youth slang if you're over forty; you'll just sound try-hard. Stick to language from your own era, even if it's embarrassing ("bitchin'"). However, youth aren't exempt from language rules, particularly regarding excessive use of "like" and "know what I mean?"

Keep old words alive. The author encourages using older, more interesting words like "stepping out," "courting," "paramour," and "poppycock." A new word proposed for adoption is "poncewobble," describing the act of hoarding treats to lord over others later.

12. Know When to Stop Talking (and Commenting)

‘It is what it is’ actually means ‘please stop talking’

Conversation is a turn-take. Good conversation involves both speaking and listening, and making an effort to make the conversation interesting for the other person. Avoid interrogating people or asking closed questions. Know when the conversation is dying and move on before resorting to awkward filler phrases.

Topics to avoid. Some topics are universally boring or inappropriate for certain contexts. Don't ask vegetarians why they are vegetarian (unless it's Dave Hughes). Don't recount entire TV series plots in detail. Have a few emergency "go-to" questions ready for when conversation stalls.

Online commentary. The internet comments section is often a cesspool of pointless shouting and irrelevant opinions. The best rule is simply not to read or write in it. If you must comment, use your full name, check your spelling and grammar, ensure your comment is relevant to the post, and don't engage with people trying to provoke arguments. If you don't find a humor article funny, just stop reading it instead of complaining.

Last updated: May 4, 2025