A Grief Observed

1. Grief Feels Like Fear: An Unsettling Familiarity

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.

Physical and emotional parallels. Grief manifests with physical symptoms akin to fear, such as a fluttering stomach, restlessness, and yawning. This unsettling familiarity highlights the body's response to profound loss, blurring the lines between emotional and physical experiences. The sensation is not merely psychological; it's a deeply embodied reaction.

Invisible blanket. The initial stages of grief often create a sense of detachment from the world, as if an invisible barrier separates the bereaved from reality. This detachment makes it difficult to engage with others or find interest in everyday activities. The world seems muted, and the effort required to participate feels overwhelming.

Seeking connection. Despite the desire for isolation, there's a simultaneous need for connection. The bereaved often dreads being alone, seeking the presence of others, even if only as silent witnesses. This paradox underscores the conflicting desires to withdraw and to be comforted, highlighting the complex emotional landscape of grief.

2. The Laziness of Grief: Apathy and Disgust

And no one ever told me about the laziness of grief.

Loss of motivation. Grief induces a profound sense of apathy, making even the simplest tasks feel burdensome. Activities once enjoyed become sources of exhaustion, and the motivation to engage in self-care diminishes. This laziness is not a moral failing but a symptom of the overwhelming emotional weight.

Untidiness and isolation. The lack of motivation can lead to a decline in personal hygiene and an increasing sense of isolation. As the bereaved loses interest in their appearance and surroundings, they may withdraw further from social interactions, exacerbating feelings of loneliness and despair.

Distractions offer little relief. While some suggest distractions as a remedy for grief, the bereaved often finds little solace in them. The effort required to engage in distracting activities feels too great, and the underlying sense of loss remains. This resistance to distraction underscores the depth and pervasiveness of grief's impact.

3. God's Apparent Absence: A Door Slammed Shut

A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside.

Disquieting symptom. One of the most unsettling aspects of grief is the perceived absence of God during times of desperate need. This absence contrasts sharply with the feeling of divine presence experienced during moments of happiness and gratitude. The bereaved may feel abandoned, questioning the nature of their faith.

Dreadful conclusions. The perceived absence of God can lead to disturbing conclusions about His nature. The bereaved may struggle with the idea that God is not benevolent or that their faith has been misplaced. This crisis of faith can be deeply distressing, adding another layer of pain to the grieving process.

Christ's experience. The experience of God's apparent absence mirrors Christ's cry on the cross, "Why hast thou forsaken me?" This parallel offers a degree of understanding, suggesting that even the divine experienced moments of abandonment. However, it doesn't necessarily alleviate the pain or provide easy answers.

4. The Uniqueness of Grief: Each Experience is Singular

Reading A Grief Observed during my own grief made me understand that each experience of grief is unique.

Personal journey. Grief is a deeply personal and individual experience, shaped by the unique relationship between the bereaved and the deceased. While there may be common elements, such as fear and forgetfulness, the specific contours of grief vary widely. Comparing one's grief to another's can be invalidating and unhelpful.

Differences in marriage. The nature of the marriage itself influences the grieving process. A short marriage marked by illness and sacrifice differs significantly from a long and fulfilling union. These differences shape the expectations, memories, and sense of loss experienced by the bereaved.

Individuality of loss. Each person's grief is colored by their personality, beliefs, and coping mechanisms. Some may find solace in religion, while others may struggle with doubt and anger. Recognizing the individuality of grief allows for greater self-compassion and acceptance of one's own emotional journey.

5. Memory's Betrayal: The Erosion of the Beloved

What pitiable cant to say, ‘She will live forever in my memory!’

Fading images. The memory of the deceased begins to fade over time, replaced by an increasingly idealized and subjective image. This erosion of memory can be a source of profound anxiety, as the bereaved fears losing the essence of their loved one. Photographs and other reminders offer only partial and imperfect glimpses.

The trap of respect. The desire to honor the deceased can inadvertently lead to a form of domestic tyranny, where the bereaved uses "what H. would have liked" as a means of controlling others. This can create resentment and further distort the memory of the loved one.

Shame and embarrassment. Talking about the deceased can evoke feelings of shame and embarrassment, particularly among children. This discomfort stems from a fear of emotional vulnerability and a desire to avoid causing further pain. The bereaved may feel isolated in their grief, unable to share their memories with those closest to them.

6. Beyond Consolation: Seeking Strength, Not Rosy Illusions

Don’t talk to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you do not understand.

Rejection of platitudes. The bereaved often finds little comfort in religious platitudes or simplistic assurances about the afterlife. These well-meaning attempts at consolation can feel dismissive and invalidating, failing to acknowledge the depth of the loss. True comfort lies not in rosy illusions but in the strength to endure.

Strength to go on. The true consolations of religion offer strength to continue living in the face of loss. This strength comes not from denying the pain but from trusting that love and meaning persist beyond death. It's about finding the fortitude to navigate the grief process, not escaping it.

The courage to doubt. Healthy grief involves the courage to express doubt, anger, and anguish. Suppressing these emotions can be detrimental to the healing process. Allowing oneself to question and challenge one's beliefs is a necessary part of coming to terms with loss.

7. The Reality of Loss: Death's Irrevocable Finality

There is death. And whatever is matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible.

Irreversible consequences. Death is an undeniable reality with irreversible consequences. Attempts to minimize or deny its impact are ultimately futile. Acknowledging the finality of death is essential for processing grief and moving forward.

The past is the past. The past, including the shared life with the deceased, is gone and cannot be recovered. Time itself is a reminder of death's passage. Heaven, if it exists, is a state where "the former things have passed away," further emphasizing the irretrievability of the past.

No photograph can truly recall the beloved’s smile. Photographs and memories are imperfect substitutes for the living presence of the deceased. While they may offer comfort, they cannot fully capture the essence of the person who is gone. The bereaved must come to terms with the limitations of memory and the impossibility of recreating the past.

8. The Illusion of Control: Suffering's Inescapable Grip

We are under the harrow and can’t escape.

Unbearable reality. Reality, when looked at steadily, can be unbearable. The existence of suffering and the apparent randomness of fate challenge our sense of order and justice. The bereaved may struggle to reconcile their beliefs with the harsh realities of life.

The question of consciousness. The emergence of consciousness, with its capacity for both joy and suffering, raises profound questions about the nature of existence. Why did such a reality blossom into beings who can see it and recoil in loathing? The search for meaning in the face of suffering can be a lifelong quest.

Rats in a trap. The bereaved may feel like rats in a trap or, worse, rats in a laboratory, subject to the whims of a higher power. This sense of powerlessness can be deeply demoralizing, leading to feelings of despair and hopelessness. The challenge lies in finding a way to navigate this sense of entrapment.

9. Love's Evolution: Bereavement as a Phase of Marriage

Bereavement is not the truncation of married love but one of its regular phases—like the honeymoon.

A new phase. Bereavement is not the end of married love but a new phase in its evolution. Just as marriage follows courtship, bereavement follows marriage. It is an integral part of the experience of love, not an interruption of it.

Taken out of ourselves. The bereaved must learn to be taken out of themselves even in the absence of the physical presence of their loved one. This involves loving the very essence of the deceased, not merely their memory or the relief from sorrow. It's about continuing the relationship in a new and different way.

The next figure. Bereavement is the next figure in the dance of love, requiring new steps and movements. It is a time for learning and growth, as the bereaved navigates the challenges of life without their partner. The goal is to live the marriage well and faithfully through this phase, too.

10. The Iconoclasm of Reality: Shattering Our Idols

All reality is iconoclastic.

Triumph over ideas. The earthly beloved, even in life, constantly challenges and triumphs over our mere ideas of them. We want them with all their resistances, faults, and unexpectedness. This is their reality, and it is what we must continue to love after they are gone.

Images as links. Images, whether on paper or in the mind, are merely links to the reality of the deceased. They are not important in themselves. A perfect photograph might even become a snare, a horror, and an obstacle.

God as iconoclast. God is the great iconoclast, constantly shattering our limited ideas of Him. The Incarnation is the supreme example, leaving all previous ideas of the Messiah in ruins. This shattering is one of the marks of His presence, challenging us to move beyond our preconceived notions.

11. Praise as a Path: Finding Joy Amidst Sorrow

Don’t we in praise somehow enjoy what we praise, however far we are from it?

Mode of love. Praise is a mode of love that always has some element of joy in it. It is a way of connecting with the beloved, even in their absence. By praising, we can still, in some degree, enjoy them, however far we are from them.

Praising the giver and the gift. Praise should be directed both to God as the giver and to the deceased as the gift. This acknowledges the source of all blessings and honors the unique qualities of the loved one. It's a way of expressing gratitude and appreciation.

From the garden to the gardener. Praise leads us from the created thing to the creator. From the garden to the gardener, from the sword to the smith. It is a path to the life-giving Life and the Beauty that makes beautiful.

Last updated: March 3, 2025