A Hole in the World

1. Grief is a Skill: Embrace Sorrow Wholeheartedly

The ability to grieve deeply is a survival skill, one we’ve come close to losing as a society.

Losing the ability to grieve. Modern society often avoids pain, seeking quick fixes and numbing discomfort. This aversion has led to a decline in traditional grief rituals, leaving individuals ill-equipped to navigate loss. The author argues that the ability to grieve deeply is a survival skill that must be recovered.

The only way is through. There are no shortcuts or life hacks for grief. It requires a wholehearted experience, allowing sorrow to have its way. This involves acknowledging brokenness, facing the pain, and expressing it without shame. The author's personal experiences with loss, including the death of her sister and multiple miscarriages, underscore the necessity of fully embracing sorrow.

God's labor. The act of wailing, often associated with women in ancient cultures, is presented as a holy act. The author draws on the prophet Jeremiah, who summons wailing women to express communal grief. God Himself is portrayed as a mourner, demonstrating that vulnerability and emotional expression are not weaknesses but essential aspects of the divine.

2. Mirrors of Change: Grief Alters Your Identity

Grief changes you.

Pride makes a terrible companion. The desire to appear strong and resilient can hinder the grieving process. The author reflects on her own tendency to manage perceptions and maintain a brave exterior, even when shattered by loss. She contrasts this with the Jewish tradition of covering mirrors during shivah, which allows mourners to focus on their grief without the distraction of vanity.

Madness and transformation. Grief can lead to a sense of madness, upending routines and beliefs. The author shares the Celtic myth of Mis, a woman who transforms into a wild creature after her father's death, to illustrate the transformative power of grief. This transformation, though brutal, can strip away illusions and lead to a deeper understanding of truth.

New life. The author emphasizes the importance of accepting the new self that emerges after loss. This involves letting go of expectations, embracing authenticity, and allowing God to remake us. Like Mis, who was loved back to life, we can find a new way of being in the world through love and acceptance.

3. Fear Smells: Acknowledge Fragility, Not Arrogance

No one ever told me grief felt so much like fear.

The education of loss. Grief introduces a new awareness of life's fragility and the reality of death. The author reflects on how this precarity can lead to constant fear and anxiety, turning innocuous situations into existential threats. This fear is contrasted with the arrogance of assuming invincibility, a common trait in modern society.

Telling the bees. The tradition of "telling the bees" is explored as a metaphor for acknowledging loss and change. This ritual, which involves informing the family beehives of a death, highlights the sensitivity of bees to emotions and the importance of maintaining calm in the face of grief. The author connects this to the need for courage in the face of fear.

Humility and trust. True courage is not the same as self-assuredness. It involves relinquishing control, trusting in God despite the mystery, and investing fully in life, knowing that love is worth the risk. The author draws on the writings of James to emphasize the importance of living openhandedly and accepting the limitations of human knowledge.

4. Intrusive Presence: Grief Demands Community

Shivah is intrusion.

The problem with easy. The author reflects on her privileged upbringing and how it left her unprepared for the realities of grief. She contrasts this with the American evangelical church's tendency to offer simplistic solutions and half-truths in the face of suffering. This leads to a sense of betrayal when God doesn't show up in the expected way.

The gift of shivah. The Jewish tradition of shivah, a seven-day period of mourning, is presented as a model for communal support. This involves constant visitation, shared meals, and a focus on presence rather than performance. The author interviews her friend Shelley, who experienced unimaginable loss, to understand the healing power of shivah.

Elevate God. The mourner's kaddish, a prayer of praise to God, is highlighted as a way to maintain awareness and empathy toward those who grieve. This prayer, recited frequently in synagogue, helps mourners elevate God in their grief, lifting them up and orienting them to a bigger picture of God's sovereignty and faithfulness.

5. Nourish the Body: Grief is a Physical Experience

Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

The body grieves too. The author emphasizes the physical impact of grief, noting that it is not just an emotional or spiritual experience. Exposure to loss sets off a series of physiological responses, including fatigue, digestive issues, and muscle weakness. Studies show that bereavement is associated with elevated cortisol levels and increased risk of mortality.

Feeding the body. The author shares her personal experience of going blueberry picking after a miscarriage, highlighting the wisdom of nourishing the body in the midst of sorrow. She also explores the tradition of funeral feasts, noting the symbolic and practical significance of food in various cultures.

The power of nutrition. The author emphasizes the importance of proper nutrition in aiding recovery from grief. She shares how her friends and family provided her with healthy meals and snacks, helping her body re-form and heal. Nutritional psychiatrists note that serotonin, the neurotransmitter that mediates mood and inhibits pain, is primarily produced in the gastrointestinal tract.

6. Memento Mori: Memory is a Creative Act

Are your wonders known in the place of darkness, or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

Postmortem photography. The Victorian practice of postmortem photography is explored as a way to commemorate the dead. These photographs, often the only images ever taken of a person, served as a tangible reminder of their existence. The author notes that these images allowed for a "make-believe world" where the dead were still living.

The danger of images. Death tampers with our memories, reconstructing the past and altering our perceptions of the deceased. The author draws on C.S. Lewis to illustrate the danger of creating an idealized or villainized version of the person we lost. She emphasizes the importance of remembering the reality of the person, with all their faults and unexpectedness.

The hope of eternity. The author reflects on the ancient Israelites' view of Sheol, the netherworld, and the fear of being forgotten. She contrasts this with the Christian belief in bodily resurrection and the promise of eternal life. She emphasizes that God remembers us, even in death, and that we are marked with His likeness.

7. Sympathy's Language: Candor Over Platitudes

Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

The inadequacy of words. The author acknowledges the difficulty of finding the right words to offer comfort in the face of loss. She notes that common phrases and sentiments can often feel mismatched to the moment, highlighting the need for honesty and authenticity.

The language of lament. The author presents lament as an alternative language for expressing grief. This involves naming what is wrong and broken in the world, challenging platitudes, and dismantling cheery charades. Lament does not deny hope but tests its mettle, summoning it into the darkness.

The power of presence. The author shares examples of helpful and unhelpful condolences she received after her sister's death. She emphasizes the importance of feeling seen, connecting in solidarity, offering unconditional presence, and providing a word of wisdom. True condolences are about the bereaved, not the condoler.

8. Tolling Bells: Grief is a Lifelong Journey

Love never fails.

The death knell. The tradition of tolling a bell to announce a death is explored as a metaphor for the finality of loss. The author notes that while death is a clear moment, grief is a slow and ongoing process. This contrasts with the modern tendency to seek quick closure and move on.

Beyond the five stages. The author critiques the popular Five Stages of Grief model, arguing that it is an inadequate representation of the complexity of bereavement. She emphasizes that grief is not a linear process and that individuals may experience a range of emotions over a long period of time.

The work of grief. The author challenges the notion of "grief work" as a process of releasing attachment to the deceased. Instead, she presents grief as a lifelong journey of learning to hold on in a way that is healthy and whole. This involves integrating the wound into daily life and finding a new way of being in the world.

9. Death Rooms: Mortality is a Teacher

Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

Outsourcing death. The author reflects on how modern society has outsourced death to hospitals and funeral homes, removing it from our living spaces. This has led to a loss of familiarity with mortality and a fear of the dying process. She contrasts this with the past, when families cared for the sick and prepared the dead in their own homes.

The wisdom of Moses. The author draws on Psalm 90, attributed to Moses, to emphasize the importance of acknowledging the transience of life. Moses's poem is a meditation on the precarity of human existence and the need to seek God's mercy and guidance.

The holy humiliation of death. The author reflects on the shame and embarrassment she felt in the aftermath of her losses. She connects this to the holy humiliation of mortality, which reveals our dependence on God and dismantles our prideful ego. This humility, she argues, is the root of wisdom.

10. Decoration Day: Honor the Dead, Honor the Living

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

Decoration Day. The Appalachian tradition of Decoration Day, in which graves are cleaned and adorned with flowers, is explored as a way to honor the dead. This ritual, which involves community gatherings, shared meals, and storytelling, provides an opportunity to reconnect with loved ones and celebrate their lives.

The story of Jane's Bald. The author shares the story of Jane, a woman who kept vigil over her dying sister on a mountaintop, to illustrate the enduring power of love and grief. This story, which is commemorated in the naming of Jane's Bald, serves as a reminder of the importance of honoring those who grieve.

The living stones. The author concludes by emphasizing that the best way to honor the dead is to live faithfully and bravely. This involves embracing the joy and beauty of life, even in the midst of sorrow. The lives of those who have been changed by the deceased serve as a living memorial, testifying to their impact and legacy.

Last updated: February 13, 2025