A Parent's Guide to Building Resilience in Children and Teens

1. Resilience is the key to thriving in an imperfect world

Resilience is commonly defined as an ability to recover from setbacks, the quality of bouncing back.

Resilience defined. Resilience is not invulnerability or perfection, but the capacity to rise above difficult circumstances. It's the trait that allows us to exist in this less-than-perfect world while moving forward with optimism and confidence even in the midst of adversity. Resilience is similar to buoyancy – when pushed underwater, our bodies instinctively rise back to the surface.

Importance of resilience. In today's pressure-cooker atmosphere, children need to tap into their strengths, acquire specific skills to cope, recover from adversity, and be prepared for future challenges. Parents play a crucial role in fostering resilience by providing support, guidance, and opportunities for children to develop and practice coping skills. By building resilience, we prepare our children to handle the inevitable bumps and bruises that the world has in store.

2. Competence and confidence form the bedrock of resilience

Competence is the ability or know-how to handle situations effectively. It is not a vague feeling or hunch that "I can do this."

Building competence. Competence is acquired through actual experience. Children can't become competent without first developing a set of skills that allows them to trust their own judgments, make responsible choices, and face difficult situations. Parents can foster competence by:

• Allowing children to make safe mistakes and learn from them
• Praising effort and specific achievements rather than general traits
• Encouraging problem-solving and decision-making skills
• Providing opportunities for children to practice and master new skills

Confidence through competence. True confidence is rooted in competence. As children demonstrate their abilities and overcome challenges, they develop a solid belief in themselves. This confidence enables them to take appropriate risks, persevere through difficulties, and approach new situations with optimism. Parents can support confidence-building by:

• Catching children being good and praising specific actions
• Setting reasonable expectations and celebrating progress
• Avoiding excessive criticism and focusing on growth opportunities
• Encouraging children to take on manageable challenges

3. Strong connections provide essential support and security

To be strong, children need unconditional love, absolute security, and a deep connection to at least one adult.

Building connections. Strong connections to family, friends, and community provide children with a sense of security and support that is essential for resilience. These connections offer reassurance during tough times and give children the confidence to take risks and explore their world. Key strategies for fostering connections include:

• Spending quality time together and creating family rituals
• Practicing active listening and empathetic communication
• Encouraging relationships with extended family and positive role models
• Supporting involvement in community activities and organizations

Balancing independence and interdependence. While resilience involves self-reliance, it's equally important for children to recognize their interdependence with others. Parents should strive to balance giving children independence with maintaining strong family bonds. This balance helps children develop the confidence to stand on their own while knowing they have a support system to fall back on when needed.

4. Character development shapes resilient individuals

Character is the component that's missing for Renee. Her family members have been a passive influence in her life, perhaps because of their own struggles.

Fostering character. Character development is essential for preparing children to make wise choices, contribute to the world, and become stable adults. Parents play a crucial role in actively shaping their children's character by:

• Modeling and reinforcing positive values and behaviors
• Encouraging empathy, kindness, and respect for others
• Providing opportunities for children to take responsibility and make ethical decisions
• Discussing and challenging prejudices and stereotypes

Character and resilience. Strong character enables children to navigate challenges with integrity and purpose. It provides a moral compass that guides decision-making and helps children bounce back from setbacks. By developing character traits such as perseverance, honesty, and compassion, children become better equipped to face adversity and contribute positively to their communities.

5. Contribution fosters purpose and belonging

When young people work to improve their communities, they develop a meaningful sense of purpose.

Importance of contribution. Encouraging children to contribute to their families, communities, and the world helps them develop a sense of purpose and belonging. This sense of purpose is a powerful motivator that can help children overcome challenges and setbacks. Ways to foster contribution include:

• Involving children in age-appropriate household responsibilities
• Encouraging participation in community service projects
• Supporting children's efforts to make a difference in causes they care about
• Recognizing and praising acts of kindness and generosity

Benefits of contribution. When children contribute, they not only give something but also gain valuable experiences and skills. They learn that they have the power to make a positive impact, which enhances their self-esteem and resilience. Contributing also helps children develop empathy, social skills, and a broader perspective on the world around them.

6. Coping skills are crucial for managing stress and adversity

We need to prepare children to handle it effectively. In other words, they need to become competent at coping if they are to be resilient.

Developing coping skills. Children need a wide repertoire of positive, adaptive coping strategies to navigate life's challenges. Key areas for developing coping skills include:

• Stress management techniques (e.g., deep breathing, visualization)
• Problem-solving and decision-making skills
• Emotional regulation and expression
• Healthy lifestyle habits (e.g., exercise, nutrition, sleep)
• Creative outlets for expression and relaxation

Modeling and teaching coping. Parents play a crucial role in helping children develop effective coping skills by:

• Modeling healthy coping strategies in their own lives
• Discussing and practicing coping techniques with children
• Encouraging children to identify and express their emotions
• Providing opportunities for children to problem-solve and make decisions
• Supporting children's efforts to cope with stress and setbacks

7. Control over one's life enhances resilience

Children who learn that they can control the outcomes of their decisions and actions, they're more likely to know that they have the ability to do what it takes to bounce back.

Fostering a sense of control. Children who believe they have control over their lives are more likely to take responsibility for their actions and persist in the face of challenges. Parents can help children develop this sense of control by:

• Allowing age-appropriate decision-making opportunities
• Encouraging problem-solving and initiative
• Helping children understand the connection between their choices and consequences
• Supporting children's efforts to overcome obstacles

Balancing control and support. While it's important for children to develop a sense of control, parents must also provide appropriate guidance and support. This balance involves:

• Setting clear boundaries and expectations
• Gradually increasing children's autonomy as they demonstrate responsibility
• Offering support and guidance when children face difficult decisions or setbacks
• Helping children distinguish between situations they can control and those they cannot

8. Positive discipline teaches self-control and responsibility

The word discipline means teach or guide. It doesn't mean punish or control.

Principles of positive discipline. Effective discipline focuses on teaching and guiding rather than punishing. Key principles of positive discipline include:

• Setting clear expectations and boundaries
• Using natural and logical consequences
• Encouraging problem-solving and decision-making
• Focusing on solutions rather than blame
• Maintaining a respectful and supportive relationship with the child

Implementing positive discipline. Parents can use positive discipline techniques to help children develop self-control and responsibility:

• Use family meetings to discuss and solve problems together
• Offer choices within appropriate limits
• Use "when-then" statements to encourage cooperation
• Praise positive behaviors and efforts
• Use time-outs or "cooling off" periods for intense emotions

9. Delaying gratification builds long-term success

Resilient adults can delay gratification.

Importance of delayed gratification. The ability to postpone immediate rewards for long-term goals is a crucial skill for success and resilience. Children who can delay gratification are better equipped to:

• Persist through challenges and setbacks
• Make wise decisions in the face of temptation
• Achieve long-term goals and dreams
• Manage stress and emotions effectively

Teaching delayed gratification. Parents can help children develop this important skill by:

• Modeling patience and self-control in their own lives
• Creating opportunities for children to practice waiting
• Helping children set and work towards long-term goals
• Discussing the benefits of delayed gratification and long-term thinking
• Praising efforts to resist immediate temptations for greater rewards

10. Adapting to extreme circumstances tests and strengthens resilience

Parents can do everything in their power to help children develop resilience, but major challenges can test even the most resilient young people.

Preparing for extreme circumstances. While we hope to shield our children from major crises, it's important to prepare them for potential challenges such as:

• Family changes (e.g., divorce, death of a loved one)
• Natural disasters or acts of terrorism
• Serious illness or injury
• Major life transitions

Supporting children through crises. When facing extreme circumstances, parents can help children adapt and strengthen their resilience by:

• Maintaining routines and structure as much as possible
• Providing honest, age-appropriate information
• Listening to and validating children's feelings
• Encouraging healthy coping strategies
• Seeking professional help when needed
• Modeling resilience and hope for the future

11. Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness

We must never believe that resilient means invulnerable. All people, even the most stable, reach their limits sometimes.

Recognizing the need for help. It's important for both parents and children to understand that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Parents should be alert to signs that their child may need additional support, such as:

• Persistent changes in mood or behavior
• Difficulty coping with everyday challenges
• Physical symptoms of stress (e.g., headaches, stomachaches)
• Withdrawal from friends or activities
• Academic struggles or sudden changes in performance

Accessing support. When children need extra help, parents can:

• Maintain open communication and a supportive environment
• Consult with teachers, school counselors, or pediatricians
• Consider professional counseling or therapy
• Explore support groups or community resources
• Model help-seeking behavior and normalize the process of asking for support

By teaching children that it's okay to ask for help and providing access to appropriate resources, parents can further strengthen their children's resilience and ability to overcome challenges throughout life.

Last updated: August 11, 2024