Another Word for Love

1. Childhood trauma shapes our perception of love and safety

"My body has kept me alive, in spite of everything."

Survival instincts. The author's early experiences of homelessness, violence, and abandonment created a foundation of fear and insecurity that persisted into adulthood. These traumatic events shaped his understanding of love, safety, and self-worth, often leading to destructive behaviors and relationships.

Coping mechanisms. To survive, the author developed various coping strategies:

• Emotional detachment
• Hypervigilance
• People-pleasing behaviors
• Substance abuse

These mechanisms, while protective in childhood, became barriers to healthy relationships and self-actualization in adulthood. The journey to healing involved recognizing these patterns and slowly unlearning them through therapy, self-reflection, and conscious efforts to form healthier connections.

2. Addiction and recovery: A journey of self-discovery and healing

"I got sober lying in the fold-out Murphy bed of my studio apartment in the afternoon, wallowing in my own spiritual filth, the blinds drawn shut, watching dozens of episodes of 30 Rock in a row, smoking cigarettes, eating chips and cookies, nachos and tacos, ice cream and lemonade, falling into a gaping maw of grief so wide it actually impressed even me."

Rock bottom. The author's struggle with addiction reached a critical point, forcing him to confront the destructive patterns in his life. This moment of clarity became the catalyst for change, leading him to seek sobriety and embark on a journey of self-discovery.

Recovery process. The path to recovery involved:

• Attending support group meetings
• Forming connections with other recovering addicts
• Confronting past traumas and behaviors
• Rebuilding relationships with family and loved ones
• Developing new coping mechanisms and life skills

The author's recovery journey not only led to sobriety but also to a deeper understanding of himself, his past, and his place in the world. It became a transformative experience that touched every aspect of his life, from his relationships to his creative work.

3. The power of presence and vulnerability in human connections

"Consent is not a contract or a promise. It is not an acceptance or an admission. It is a collaboration, an ongoing one."

Authentic relationships. The author explores the importance of being fully present and vulnerable in human interactions. He emphasizes that true connection comes from a willingness to be seen and to see others in their entirety, without judgment or expectation.

Consent and communication. The concept of consent is expanded beyond its typical sexual context to encompass all forms of human interaction. The author argues that meaningful relationships require:

• Ongoing communication
• Mutual respect for boundaries
• Willingness to be vulnerable
• Acceptance of each other's humanity

This approach to consent and communication creates a foundation for deeper, more authentic connections in all areas of life, from romantic relationships to friendships and professional interactions.

4. Racial identity and the struggle for belonging in America

"Sometimes I think if you've never had a white man look at you the way I was looked at that day, then with all due respect, you may not understand anything, anything at all, about what any of this really is."

Systemic racism. The author's experiences as a Black man in America are woven throughout the narrative, highlighting the pervasive nature of racism and its impact on every aspect of life. From childhood encounters with law enforcement to adult experiences of discrimination, the author illustrates the constant negotiation of identity and safety required to navigate a society built on racial inequality.

Cultural identity. The struggle for belonging is explored through:

• Experiences of code-switching
• Navigating predominantly white spaces
• Grappling with internalized racism
• Seeking connection with Black culture and history

The author's journey to embrace his racial identity while challenging societal norms becomes a central theme, reflecting broader conversations about race, equity, and belonging in America.

5. The complexity of family relationships and generational trauma

"I thought about how many of us are here on this earth. Trying to find words, trying to find love and meaning. Trying to make, create, recover, heal, grow, dismantle, destroy, hold, let go."

Intergenerational patterns. The author examines the ways in which trauma, addiction, and patterns of behavior are passed down through generations. He explores his relationships with his mother, aunts, uncles, and children, revealing the complex web of love, pain, and responsibility that defines family dynamics.

Breaking cycles. The narrative focuses on the author's efforts to:

• Understand and heal from his own childhood traumas
• Provide a different experience for his children
• Reconcile with difficult family members
• Recognize and honor the strength and resilience of his ancestors

Through this exploration, the author grapples with the challenge of breaking generational cycles while acknowledging the profound impact of family history on individual identity and relationships.

6. Exploring sexuality, consent, and the human body

"Sex is weird and disgusting and ridiculous and quite often abused and weaponized and traumatic. But I still like it. I like what it can be and sometimes what it is. Sometimes I think it might hold the secrets to almost everything."

Body autonomy. The author delves into his experiences with sexuality, from childhood trauma to adult relationships, examining the complex interplay between pleasure, pain, and power. He emphasizes the importance of bodily autonomy and the need to reclaim one's body after experiences of violation or objectification.

Consent culture. The narrative advocates for a more nuanced understanding of consent that goes beyond simple yes/no dynamics:

• Ongoing communication throughout intimate encounters
• Recognizing and respecting non-verbal cues
• Understanding the impact of past traumas on current experiences
• Embracing the complexity and vulnerability of human sexuality

By exploring these themes, the author challenges readers to reconsider their own relationships with their bodies, sexuality, and the concept of consent in all areas of life.

7. Finding beauty and meaning in life's smallest moments

"I write about beautiful things because I live in an ugly place in an ugly world."

Mindful observation. The author emphasizes the importance of finding beauty and meaning in everyday experiences, from the changing of seasons to interactions with strangers. This practice becomes a form of resistance against the ugliness and violence of the world.

Sources of beauty:

• Natural phenomena (cherry blossoms, birds, weather patterns)
• Human interactions and connections
• Art and music
• Personal growth and self-discovery

By cultivating an appreciation for these moments, the author suggests that we can find strength, hope, and a deeper sense of connection to the world around us, even in the face of adversity and pain.

8. The transformative power of art and creativity

"I let text caress me and sing me to sleep."

Artistic expression. The author's journey as a writer, actor, and creative person is central to his story of healing and self-discovery. He explores how art, particularly literature and music, provided solace, inspiration, and a means of processing trauma and complex emotions.

Creative outlets:

• Writing (poetry, prose, journalism)
• Acting and theater
• Music (listening and performing)

Through these creative pursuits, the author finds ways to articulate his experiences, connect with others, and make sense of the world around him. The narrative underscores the healing potential of artistic expression and its ability to bridge divides and foster understanding.

9. Confronting mortality and the impermanence of life

"To be among the dying, and to know it, the feeling that gives you, that is another word for love."

Acceptance of impermanence. The author grapples with the reality of death throughout the narrative, from childhood experiences of loss to caring for aging family members. This confrontation with mortality leads to a deeper appreciation for life and a recognition of the interconnectedness of all beings.

Embracing life:

• Finding meaning in fleeting moments
• Cultivating gratitude for everyday experiences
• Recognizing the value of human connections
• Accepting the cyclical nature of life and death

By facing the reality of death, the author suggests that we can live more fully and authentically, embracing the complexity and beauty of human existence in all its imperfect glory.

Last updated: May 2, 2025