Approval Addiction

1. Recognize and confront your addiction to approval

An addiction is something that controls people—something they feel they cannot do without or something they do to alleviate pain or pressure.

Approval addiction defined. Approval addiction is an unhealthy dependence on the acceptance and validation of others. It stems from deep-seated insecurities and can manifest in various ways, such as:

• Constantly seeking affirmation from others
• Difficulty saying "no" or setting boundaries
• Compromising personal values to please others
• Excessive fear of rejection or criticism

Breaking the cycle. Recognizing this addiction is the first step towards overcoming it. It requires honest self-reflection and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths about oneself. By acknowledging the problem, individuals can begin to take steps towards developing a healthier sense of self-worth and more authentic relationships.

2. Understand the root causes of insecurity and self-rejection

God has not created us for rejection, but acceptance.

Childhood experiences. Many insecurities and feelings of self-rejection stem from early life experiences, particularly in relationships with parents or caregivers. Common root causes include:

• Abuse or neglect
• Excessive criticism or high expectations
• Lack of affirmation or emotional support
• Traumatic events or losses

Societal pressures. Modern society often reinforces feelings of inadequacy through:

• Unrealistic beauty standards
• Emphasis on material success and status
• Social media comparisons
• Perfectionism culture

Understanding these root causes can help individuals develop compassion for themselves and begin the healing process. It's essential to recognize that these feelings are often based on distorted perceptions rather than reality.

3. Embrace your identity in Christ and God's unconditional love

If God says you are forgiven and your guilt has been removed, then you should say the same thing. Don't say how you feel—say what you know!

God's perspective. Understanding and internalizing God's unconditional love and acceptance is crucial for overcoming approval addiction. This involves:

• Studying and meditating on Scripture about God's love
• Recognizing that God's approval is not based on performance
• Accepting forgiveness and grace for past mistakes

Identity transformation. Embracing one's identity in Christ leads to a fundamental shift in self-perception:

• From shame to righteousness
• From fear to confidence
• From insecurity to security in God's love

This new identity provides a solid foundation for personal growth and healthy relationships, free from the need for constant external validation.

4. Learn to love yourself in a balanced, healthy way

Stop looking at everything that is wrong with you, and start looking at what is right with Jesus.

Self-acceptance. Developing a healthy self-love involves:

• Acknowledging both strengths and weaknesses
• Practicing self-compassion and forgiveness
• Celebrating personal growth and achievements

Balance is key. Avoid swinging to extremes:

• Neither self-hatred nor narcissism
• Neither excessive self-criticism nor denial of faults
• Neither constant comparison nor isolation from others

Loving oneself in a balanced way creates a solid foundation for loving others and developing authentic relationships. It allows for personal growth without the crippling effects of perfectionism or self-loathing.

5. Break free from guilt, shame, and unforgiveness

Guilt depresses us and makes us feel as if we are under a burden. Jesus came to lift us up, to bring the good news that our sins are forgiven and the penalty for them is removed.

Recognize false guilt. Distinguish between:

• Conviction (leads to positive change)
• Condemnation (leads to shame and despair)

Steps to freedom:

1. Acknowledge past mistakes and hurts
2. Accept God's forgiveness and extend it to yourself
3. Make amends where possible
4. Let go of the burden of shame
5. Choose to forgive others who have hurt you

Breaking free from guilt, shame, and unforgiveness is a process that requires patience and persistence. It often involves retraining thought patterns and challenging deeply ingrained beliefs about oneself and others.

6. Overcome the "people-pleaser" mentality

Pleasing people is good, but it is not good to become people-pleasers.

Recognize the pattern. People-pleasing often manifests as:

• Difficulty saying "no"
• Overcommitting to others' requests
• Neglecting personal needs and boundaries
• Fear of disappointing others

Develop healthy alternatives:

• Practice assertiveness and clear communication
• Set and maintain personal boundaries
• Prioritize self-care and personal values
• Learn to tolerate others' disappointment or disapproval

Overcoming the people-pleaser mentality is crucial for developing authentic relationships and maintaining personal integrity. It allows individuals to live according to their values rather than others' expectations.

7. Establish healthy boundaries and confront controlling behaviors

If you don't want to pay the price, then don't play the games.

Recognize control tactics. Controlling behaviors may include:

• Emotional manipulation (guilt, anger, silent treatment)
• Verbal control (criticism, threats, intimidation)
• Financial control
• Isolation from friends or family

Establish and maintain boundaries:

1. Clearly communicate your limits and expectations
2. Be consistent in enforcing boundaries
3. Prepare for pushback and stay firm
4. Seek support from trusted friends or professionals

Confronting controlling behaviors requires courage and persistence. Remember that healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and freedom, not control and manipulation.

8. Press past negative emotions to achieve personal growth

We often have to do the right thing for a long time before we begin getting right results.

Emotional resilience. Developing the ability to:

• Recognize and name emotions
• Process feelings without being controlled by them
• Choose actions based on values rather than fleeting emotions

Growth through discomfort:

• Embrace challenges as opportunities for growth
• Practice doing the right thing even when it feels difficult
• Develop patience and perseverance in the face of setbacks

Personal growth often requires pushing through negative emotions and challenging situations. By consistently choosing to act based on values rather than feelings, individuals can build resilience and achieve lasting change.

9. Develop a strong sense of self-worth independent of others' opinions

If we know who we are in Christ, then we can have a healthy self-image apart from our position or job title.

Internal validation. Building self-worth from within involves:

• Recognizing inherent value as a child of God
• Defining personal values and living by them
• Celebrating personal growth and achievements
• Practicing self-compassion

Reduce dependence on external validation:

• Limit comparison to others
• Practice accepting both praise and criticism gracefully
• Focus on personal growth rather than others' perceptions

A strong sense of self-worth provides resilience against others' opinions and reduces the need for constant approval. It allows for more authentic self-expression and genuine relationships.

10. Practice forgiveness and let go of past hurts

Forgiveness is a choice you make and you must earnestly work toward that goal. But understand it may take time.

Benefits of forgiveness:

• Emotional freedom from bitterness and resentment
• Improved mental and physical health
• Better relationships and ability to trust

Steps to forgiveness:

1. Acknowledge the hurt and its impact
2. Choose to forgive (a decision, not a feeling)
3. Release the desire for revenge
4. Practice empathy towards the offender
5. Find meaning or growth from the experience

Forgiveness is a process that often takes time and effort. It doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the offense, but rather releasing oneself from the burden of resentment and choosing to move forward.

11. Balance submission to authority with personal autonomy

Submit to authority, but don't be controlled. If you are a person in authority, be authoritative, but don't be a controller.

Healthy submission:

• Respecting legitimate authority
• Cooperating for the common good
• Maintaining personal integrity and values

Personal autonomy:

• Making informed decisions
• Taking responsibility for choices
• Standing up against abuse or injustice

Balancing submission and autonomy requires wisdom and discernment. It involves recognizing when to cooperate with authority and when to assert personal boundaries or convictions.

12. Cultivate genuine relationships based on mutual respect and freedom

True freedom is being free not to exercise a freedom if exercising it would not be good for all concerned.

Characteristics of healthy relationships:

• Mutual respect and consideration
• Open and honest communication
• Boundaries and personal space
• Support for individual growth and autonomy

Avoiding codependency:

• Maintain separate identities and interests
• Allow for differences of opinion
• Encourage independence and self-reliance
• Practice giving and receiving love without conditions

Genuine relationships provide a supportive environment for personal growth and self-expression. They are built on mutual respect, trust, and the freedom to be oneself without fear of rejection or control.

Last updated: January 24, 2025