Key Takeaways
1. Personality is Malleable and Shaped by Life Experiences
Your personality will continue to evolve through your life, partly as a natural response to your changing situations and also because of gradual changes in your physiology.
Dynamic interaction. Personality isn't fixed at birth; it's a dynamic interplay between genetics and experiences. Life events, relationships, career paths, and even physical health significantly shape who you become. This malleability offers hope for personal growth and change throughout life.
Evidence of change. Stories of transformation, both positive and negative, abound. From criminals reforming to celebrities overcoming shyness, these examples demonstrate the potential for profound personality shifts. Research supports this, showing that personality traits can evolve in response to major life events like marriage, divorce, and unemployment.
Adaptability is key. Humans are evolved to adapt. Your current personality is a strategy for surviving and thriving in your circumstances. While genetics influence your inclinations, you're not confined to a single approach. You can actively shape your character by taking initiative and molding yourself for the better.
2. Understanding Your Origin Story Provides Insight
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
Early influences. While not deterministic, early childhood experiences, including parenting styles, sibling dynamics, and friendships, leave lasting imprints on your personality. Authoritative parenting, characterized by warmth and clear boundaries, tends to foster emotional stability and conscientiousness.
Birth order debunked. Contrary to popular belief, birth order has negligible associations with personality. However, birth spacing, the age gap between siblings, might play a role, with wider gaps potentially leading to introversion and emotional instability in younger siblings.
Friendship's impact. Peer relationships exert a powerful influence, especially during adolescence. The traits of your friends can rub off on you, shaping your own character. Reflecting on these early relationships can provide valuable insights into your personality today.
3. Pathological Changes Can Drastically Alter Personality
Gage “was no longer Gage.”
Brain's role. Brain injuries, neurological disorders, and mental illnesses can cause dramatic personality changes, highlighting the physiological basis of traits. Damage to the frontal lobes, for example, can lead to poor judgment, emotional instability, and apathy.
Unexpected benefits. While often negative, pathological changes can sometimes lead to positive outcomes. Some brain injury survivors report increased agreeableness and calmness. Mental illnesses like depression can also leave lasting "scars" on personality, increasing neuroticism.
Treatment's impact. Treatment with antidepressants, therapy, and rehabilitation can reverse some of the harmful personality effects of mental illness and brain injuries. These interventions can help individuals regain control and shift their traits in a healthier direction.
4. Situations and Substances Influence Momentary Personality
With personality, there is plenty to hold on to, and plenty we can change.
Situation's power. The situation you're in significantly influences your behavior. Social roles, present company, and even the time of day can trigger short-term personality changes. Strong situations can override your usual disposition.
Substances' effects. Substances like alcohol and caffeine can also alter your personality in the moment. Alcohol tends to increase extraversion and decrease conscientiousness, while caffeine can boost alertness and focus. However, these effects can vary depending on individual traits and the specific context.
Strategic selection. You can take control by strategically selecting situations and substances that align with your desired personality traits. Choosing mood-boosting activities and limiting exposure to negative influences can help shape your character over time.
5. Deliberate Personality Change Requires Intention and Action
The most important story that we ever tell is the story of our lives.
Three principles. Deliberate personality change requires:
- A willingness and intention to change specific behaviors
- A belief in the malleability of personality
- Persistence with behavioral changes until they become habitual
Specific goals. Vague aspirations are not enough. Set clear, actionable goals related to your desired traits. For example, instead of "becoming more extraverted," commit to saying hello to a stranger each day.
Belief in change. Cultivate a growth mindset by recognizing that personality is not fixed. Embrace the idea that you can shape your character through effort and dedication. This belief will fuel your motivation and resilience.
6. Redemption is Possible Through Purpose and Compassion
Piece by piece I had to reconstruct my entire personality from inside out.
Turning point. Stories of redemption demonstrate the power of purpose and compassion in transforming lives. Individuals who have overcome adversity often find a new calling that channels their energy and passion in a positive direction.
Key elements. Education, compassion from others, and a new purpose are common threads in redemption stories. These factors can help individuals break free from negative patterns and rebuild their personalities from the inside out.
Criminal thinking. Overcoming criminal thinking styles, characterized by defensiveness and entitlement, is crucial for rehabilitation. Programs that target these thought patterns can help offenders develop empathy and a sense of responsibility.
7. The Dark Triad Offers Cautionary Lessons
I am, in part, the person I am today because of their decision to campaign for me.
Dark traits. The dark triad consists of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. These traits are associated with selfishness, manipulativeness, and a lack of empathy. While they can sometimes contribute to success, they often lead to negative consequences.
Narcissism's allure. Narcissists can be charming and charismatic, but their self-centeredness and lack of empathy can damage relationships and careers. High scores in fearless dominance can be helpful in leadership roles.
Psychopathy's dangers. Psychopaths are characterized by superficial charm, coldheartedness, and impulsivity. While some may achieve success in high-pressure environments, their lack of empathy and disregard for others can lead to destructive behavior.
8. Acknowledge the Interplay of Traits and Environment
The most important story that we ever tell is the story of our lives.
Dynamic interaction. Your personality traits influence the kind of experiences you have, and your experiences, in turn, shape your traits. This creates a dynamic interplay between your inner self and the world around you.
Agreeableness's influence. Highly agreeable people tend to create positive experiences for themselves, reinforcing their warm and friendly nature. By contrast, those who are less agreeable may find themselves in conflict more often, perpetuating negative emotions.
Conscious choices. By choosing to alter your behavior, habits, and routines, you can change your traits and influence the kind of life you lead. This requires a conscious effort to shape your environment and surround yourself with positive influences.
9. Embrace Self-Kindness and Realistic Expectations
The most important story that we ever tell is the story of our lives.
Self-compassion. Be kind to yourself throughout the process of personality change. Avoid harsh self-criticism and focus on progress, not perfection. Treat yourself with the same patience and understanding you would offer a friend.
Realistic goals. Set achievable goals and celebrate small wins. Avoid comparing yourself to others and focus on your own journey. Remember that personality change is a gradual process, not an overnight transformation.
Mindset matters. Cultivate a growth mindset by believing in your ability to change and learn from setbacks. See challenges as opportunities for growth, not as evidence of your limitations.
10. Commit to Lifelong Personal Evolution
The most important story that we ever tell is the story of our lives.
Ongoing process. Personality change is not a destination but a journey. Embrace the idea that you will continue to evolve throughout your life, adapting to new experiences and challenges.
Continuous learning. Stay curious and open to new ideas. Seek out opportunities for personal growth and development. Never stop learning and exploring your potential.
Embrace change. Be flexible and adaptable in the face of life's inevitable twists and turns. View change as an opportunity for growth, not as a threat to your identity.
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FAQ
What’s Be Who You Want: Unlocking the Science of Personality Change by Christian Jarrett about?
- Explores personality change: The book investigates whether and how people can change their personalities, blending scientific research with real-life stories of transformation.
- Focus on Big Five traits: It centers on the Big Five personality traits—extraversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, neuroticism, and openness—and examines their malleability.
- Practical and interactive: Jarrett provides actionable steps, self-assessments, and exercises to help readers understand and intentionally shape their own personalities.
- Challenges fixed mindset: The book disputes the idea that personality is unchangeable, showing that meaningful change is possible with effort and the right strategies.
Why should I read Be Who You Want by Christian Jarrett?
- Empowering and hopeful: The book offers hope and practical guidance for anyone who feels limited by their current personality or life circumstances.
- Science-backed advice: It draws on decades of psychological research, providing evidence-based strategies rather than generic self-help tips.
- Wide relevance: Jarrett addresses both positive and negative personality changes, including those resulting from life events, mental illness, or brain injury.
- Inspiring stories: Real-life examples, such as individuals overcoming addiction or transforming after adversity, illustrate the book’s principles in action.
What are the key takeaways from Be Who You Want by Christian Jarrett?
- Personality is malleable: With intention, effort, and the right mindset, people can change core aspects of their personality.
- Change is a process: Personality transformation requires persistence, habit formation, and often social support.
- Authenticity redefined: Being authentic means acting in line with your ideal self and values, not just your habitual traits.
- Practical strategies provided: The book offers specific, research-backed techniques for changing each of the Big Five traits.
What are the Big Five personality traits, and how does Be Who You Want explain them?
- Five core dimensions: The Big Five are extraversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, neuroticism, and openness to experience.
- Trait facets and examples: Each trait includes subtraits (e.g., extraversion involves warmth and assertiveness; neuroticism includes anxiety and impulsivity).
- Biological and environmental roots: Traits have genetic and physiological bases but are also shaped by life experiences and social roles.
- Influence on life outcomes: These traits affect behavior, emotions, motivations, and even physical health.
How does Be Who You Want by Christian Jarrett address the stability and changeability of personality?
- Paradox of stability and change: Personality traits are relatively stable but can shift over time and in response to life events.
- Role of life stages: Traits often mature with age, typically becoming more agreeable and conscientious, and less neurotic and extraverted.
- Impact of circumstances: Major events like marriage, parenthood, divorce, or job changes can lead to significant personality shifts.
- Ongoing evolution: Personality continues to evolve throughout life, influenced by choices, experiences, and deliberate efforts.
What practical strategies does Be Who You Want recommend for changing specific Big Five personality traits?
- Lowering neuroticism: Use memory training, gratitude exercises, cognitive behavioral therapy, and exposure to new environments.
- Increasing conscientiousness: Seek meaningful work, avoid temptations, and build self-discipline through consistent effort.
- Boosting openness: Engage in cultural activities, puzzles, physical exercise, and “awe walks” to foster curiosity.
- Enhancing agreeableness: Practice mindfulness, read literary fiction, and spend time with diverse groups to build empathy.
- Heightening extraversion: Use social habits of extraverts, make if-then plans to socialize, and build confidence through rituals.
How does Be Who You Want by Christian Jarrett redefine authenticity in the context of personality change?
- Authenticity as alignment: Authenticity is about behaving in ways that match your ideal self and values, not just your habitual patterns.
- Research-backed perspective: Studies show people feel most authentic when acting like the person they aspire to be.
- Change can be authentic: Deliberate personality change is genuine if it helps you live according to your goals and values.
- Practical implication: Pursuing personality change to engage more meaningfully with others or follow your passions brings you closer to your “real self.”
What is the social investment theory, and how does Be Who You Want apply it to personality change?
- Role of social roles: Taking on new roles (e.g., marriage, parenthood, new jobs) encourages the development of new behavior patterns and traits.
- Rewarding new behaviors: Social roles often reward traits like conscientiousness and agreeableness, reinforcing positive change.
- Peer and relationship influence: Friends, family, and social networks, especially in childhood and adolescence, significantly shape personality development.
- Adversity and growth: Life challenges can also prompt both positive and negative personality shifts, depending on context and support.
How does Be Who You Want by Christian Jarrett address personality change due to brain injury, mental illness, and substances?
- Pathological changes: Brain injuries, dementia, and mental illnesses like depression and bipolar disorder can cause dramatic personality shifts.
- Stories and research: Examples like Phineas Gage and Robin Williams illustrate how neurological changes can alter personality.
- Potential for recovery: Psychotherapy and medication can sometimes reverse negative changes, highlighting the brain’s plasticity.
- Substance effects: Alcohol, caffeine, cannabis, and psychedelics can temporarily alter personality expression, with effects varying by individual and context.
What are the three basic principles of successful personality change in Be Who You Want by Christian Jarrett?
- Intentional behavior change: Set clear goals and intentions to change specific behaviors linked to desired traits.
- Belief in malleability: Adopting a growth mindset—believing personality can change—is crucial for persistence.
- Habit formation: Repeating new behaviors until they become automatic is essential for lasting transformation.
What obstacles to personality change, especially for offenders, are discussed in Be Who You Want by Christian Jarrett?
- Lack of motivation: Many offenders resist change, justifying their actions through entrenched thinking styles.
- Negative prison effects: Incarceration can worsen impulsivity and reduce conscientiousness due to loss of autonomy and cognitive challenges.
- Rehabilitation programs: Evidence-based interventions like Cognitive Self Change and moral reconation therapy can help, but require willingness to engage.
- Success factors: Motivation, honest self-appraisal, and social support are key to overcoming obstacles and achieving change.
What is the “dark triad” of personality traits, and how does Be Who You Want by Christian Jarrett address them?
- Definition: The dark triad includes narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy—traits linked to manipulativeness, lack of empathy, and self-centeredness.
- Focus on change: The book explores how aspects of these traits, especially narcissism and psychopathy, can be reduced through targeted strategies.
- Potential advantages: Some features, like fearless dominance, can be beneficial in certain contexts if channeled positively.
- Interventions: Encouraging empathy, communal mindsets, and moral reasoning can help mitigate harmful aspects of these traits.
What are the best quotes from Be Who You Want by Christian Jarrett, and what do they mean?
- On authenticity: “If a shy businessman who wishes to be more extraverted can muster the courage to attend a cocktail party and succeeds in being even modestly sociable, he will enjoy feelings of being true to himself.” This highlights that authenticity is about acting in line with one’s aspirations.
- On personality change: “Personality is malleable. With the right attitude, sufficient motivation, and support from others, some bad people can achieve meaningful, positive change.” This underscores the book’s central message of hope and possibility.
- On persistence: “When successful people fail, they rebound quickly. The breaking of habit doesn’t matter if the reclaiming of it is fast.” This emphasizes resilience and self-kindness in the change process.
- On purpose-driven change: Quotes throughout the book reinforce the importance of aligning change efforts with personal values and larger life goals.
Review Summary
Be Who You Want received mixed reviews, with an average rating of 3.72 out of 5. Many readers appreciated the scientific approach to personality change and found the book informative and practical. They praised the debunking of myths, practical tips, and the author's writing style. However, some critics felt the examples were extreme, the self-help advice was basic, and the anecdotes detracted from the scientific content. Overall, readers found value in the book's exploration of personality traits and potential for change, despite some shortcomings.
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