Be Who You Want

1. Personality is Malleable and Shaped by Life Experiences

Your personality will continue to evolve through your life, partly as a natural response to your changing situations and also because of gradual changes in your physiology.

Dynamic interaction. Personality isn't fixed at birth; it's a dynamic interplay between genetics and experiences. Life events, relationships, career paths, and even physical health significantly shape who you become. This malleability offers hope for personal growth and change throughout life.

Evidence of change. Stories of transformation, both positive and negative, abound. From criminals reforming to celebrities overcoming shyness, these examples demonstrate the potential for profound personality shifts. Research supports this, showing that personality traits can evolve in response to major life events like marriage, divorce, and unemployment.

Adaptability is key. Humans are evolved to adapt. Your current personality is a strategy for surviving and thriving in your circumstances. While genetics influence your inclinations, you're not confined to a single approach. You can actively shape your character by taking initiative and molding yourself for the better.

2. Understanding Your Origin Story Provides Insight

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

Early influences. While not deterministic, early childhood experiences, including parenting styles, sibling dynamics, and friendships, leave lasting imprints on your personality. Authoritative parenting, characterized by warmth and clear boundaries, tends to foster emotional stability and conscientiousness.

Birth order debunked. Contrary to popular belief, birth order has negligible associations with personality. However, birth spacing, the age gap between siblings, might play a role, with wider gaps potentially leading to introversion and emotional instability in younger siblings.

Friendship's impact. Peer relationships exert a powerful influence, especially during adolescence. The traits of your friends can rub off on you, shaping your own character. Reflecting on these early relationships can provide valuable insights into your personality today.

3. Pathological Changes Can Drastically Alter Personality

Gage “was no longer Gage.”

Brain's role. Brain injuries, neurological disorders, and mental illnesses can cause dramatic personality changes, highlighting the physiological basis of traits. Damage to the frontal lobes, for example, can lead to poor judgment, emotional instability, and apathy.

Unexpected benefits. While often negative, pathological changes can sometimes lead to positive outcomes. Some brain injury survivors report increased agreeableness and calmness. Mental illnesses like depression can also leave lasting "scars" on personality, increasing neuroticism.

Treatment's impact. Treatment with antidepressants, therapy, and rehabilitation can reverse some of the harmful personality effects of mental illness and brain injuries. These interventions can help individuals regain control and shift their traits in a healthier direction.

4. Situations and Substances Influence Momentary Personality

With personality, there is plenty to hold on to, and plenty we can change.

Situation's power. The situation you're in significantly influences your behavior. Social roles, present company, and even the time of day can trigger short-term personality changes. Strong situations can override your usual disposition.

Substances' effects. Substances like alcohol and caffeine can also alter your personality in the moment. Alcohol tends to increase extraversion and decrease conscientiousness, while caffeine can boost alertness and focus. However, these effects can vary depending on individual traits and the specific context.

Strategic selection. You can take control by strategically selecting situations and substances that align with your desired personality traits. Choosing mood-boosting activities and limiting exposure to negative influences can help shape your character over time.

5. Deliberate Personality Change Requires Intention and Action

The most important story that we ever tell is the story of our lives.

Three principles. Deliberate personality change requires:

• A willingness and intention to change specific behaviors
• A belief in the malleability of personality
• Persistence with behavioral changes until they become habitual

Specific goals. Vague aspirations are not enough. Set clear, actionable goals related to your desired traits. For example, instead of "becoming more extraverted," commit to saying hello to a stranger each day.

Belief in change. Cultivate a growth mindset by recognizing that personality is not fixed. Embrace the idea that you can shape your character through effort and dedication. This belief will fuel your motivation and resilience.

6. Redemption is Possible Through Purpose and Compassion

Piece by piece I had to reconstruct my entire personality from inside out.

Turning point. Stories of redemption demonstrate the power of purpose and compassion in transforming lives. Individuals who have overcome adversity often find a new calling that channels their energy and passion in a positive direction.

Key elements. Education, compassion from others, and a new purpose are common threads in redemption stories. These factors can help individuals break free from negative patterns and rebuild their personalities from the inside out.

Criminal thinking. Overcoming criminal thinking styles, characterized by defensiveness and entitlement, is crucial for rehabilitation. Programs that target these thought patterns can help offenders develop empathy and a sense of responsibility.

7. The Dark Triad Offers Cautionary Lessons

I am, in part, the person I am today because of their decision to campaign for me.

Dark traits. The dark triad consists of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. These traits are associated with selfishness, manipulativeness, and a lack of empathy. While they can sometimes contribute to success, they often lead to negative consequences.

Narcissism's allure. Narcissists can be charming and charismatic, but their self-centeredness and lack of empathy can damage relationships and careers. High scores in fearless dominance can be helpful in leadership roles.

Psychopathy's dangers. Psychopaths are characterized by superficial charm, coldheartedness, and impulsivity. While some may achieve success in high-pressure environments, their lack of empathy and disregard for others can lead to destructive behavior.

8. Acknowledge the Interplay of Traits and Environment

The most important story that we ever tell is the story of our lives.

Dynamic interaction. Your personality traits influence the kind of experiences you have, and your experiences, in turn, shape your traits. This creates a dynamic interplay between your inner self and the world around you.

Agreeableness's influence. Highly agreeable people tend to create positive experiences for themselves, reinforcing their warm and friendly nature. By contrast, those who are less agreeable may find themselves in conflict more often, perpetuating negative emotions.

Conscious choices. By choosing to alter your behavior, habits, and routines, you can change your traits and influence the kind of life you lead. This requires a conscious effort to shape your environment and surround yourself with positive influences.

9. Embrace Self-Kindness and Realistic Expectations

The most important story that we ever tell is the story of our lives.

Self-compassion. Be kind to yourself throughout the process of personality change. Avoid harsh self-criticism and focus on progress, not perfection. Treat yourself with the same patience and understanding you would offer a friend.

Realistic goals. Set achievable goals and celebrate small wins. Avoid comparing yourself to others and focus on your own journey. Remember that personality change is a gradual process, not an overnight transformation.

Mindset matters. Cultivate a growth mindset by believing in your ability to change and learn from setbacks. See challenges as opportunities for growth, not as evidence of your limitations.

10. Commit to Lifelong Personal Evolution

The most important story that we ever tell is the story of our lives.

Ongoing process. Personality change is not a destination but a journey. Embrace the idea that you will continue to evolve throughout your life, adapting to new experiences and challenges.

Continuous learning. Stay curious and open to new ideas. Seek out opportunities for personal growth and development. Never stop learning and exploring your potential.

Embrace change. Be flexible and adaptable in the face of life's inevitable twists and turns. View change as an opportunity for growth, not as a threat to your identity.

Last updated: March 18, 2025