The List Unwritten

Sixteen-year-old Tessa Scott, diagnosed with terminal leukemia, is suffocating under the weight of her illness and the limitations it imposes. In a moment of clarity, she scrawls a list of things she wants to do before she dies—her private rebellion against the slow fade of her life. The list is raw, impulsive, and sometimes reckless: sex, breaking the law, saying yes to everything for a day, and falling in love. Tessa's list is not about bucket-list grandeur but about feeling alive, even as her body betrays her. Her best friend Zoey becomes her co-conspirator, pushing her to chase experiences that are both exhilarating and dangerous. The list is Tessa's way of seizing control, of refusing to be defined by her illness, and of demanding that her remaining days be filled with meaning, chaos, and sensation.

Saturday Night Rebellion

Tessa and Zoey sneak out for a wild Saturday night, determined to cross the first item off the list: sex. The night is a blur of club lights, music, and the intoxicating sense of being young and reckless. Tessa's father, desperate to protect her, is left behind, bewildered and powerless. The club is a microcosm of everything Tessa feels she's missing—freedom, desire, and the thrill of the unknown. But the night doesn't go as planned. Tessa's attempt to lose her virginity is awkward and unfulfilling, leaving her feeling more isolated than before. The experience is a stark reminder that life, even when lived on the edge, is messy and unpredictable. The night cements the bond between Tessa and Zoey, but also exposes the chasm between Tessa's fantasies and reality.

First Kiss, First Loss

After the failed attempt at sex, Tessa is left grappling with disappointment and confusion. She realizes that ticking items off her list doesn't guarantee satisfaction or happiness. Her relationship with Zoey is tested as they navigate the emotional aftermath of the night. Tessa's longing for connection is palpable, but she is haunted by the knowledge that her time is running out. The experience forces her to confront the limitations of her body and the reality of her illness. The first kiss, the first loss of innocence, and the first real taste of mortality all collide, leaving Tessa more determined than ever to live on her own terms, even as she feels the world slipping away.

Crossing Boundaries

Tessa's illness is a constant presence in her family's life, shaping every interaction and decision. Her father is consumed by denial and desperation, clinging to routines and medical research in a futile attempt to save her. Her mother, who left the family years ago, is a distant figure, struggling to reconnect. Tessa's younger brother Cal is both a source of comfort and pain, his innocence a stark contrast to her own awareness of death. The family is fractured, each member coping in their own way. Tessa's rebellion—her list, her nights out, her refusal to be a passive patient—pushes her family to the brink. The boundaries between love and control, protection and suffocation, are constantly tested.

Family Fractures

The Scott family's attempts to maintain normalcy are futile in the face of Tessa's decline. Her father's efforts to keep her alive are met with resistance and resentment. Her mother's sporadic visits are tinged with guilt and regret. Cal, caught in the crossfire, acts out in small ways, desperate for attention and reassurance. The family's shared moments—meals, games, conversations—are haunted by the knowledge that they are running out of time. Tessa's illness exposes old wounds and forces each member to confront their own fears and failures. The family's love is fierce but flawed, and their struggle to stay connected is both heartbreaking and deeply human.

The Club and the Boy

Tessa's world shifts when she meets Adam, the quiet boy next door. Unlike the fleeting encounters of her Saturday nights, Adam offers something deeper—a sense of understanding and acceptance. Their relationship develops slowly, rooted in shared moments in the garden, whispered confessions, and the simple act of being present. Adam becomes Tessa's anchor, grounding her as her body weakens and her world narrows. Their love is tender and tentative, marked by the knowledge that it is temporary. For Tessa, Adam represents the possibility of being seen and loved for who she is, not just as a dying girl. Their connection is a lifeline, a reminder that even in the face of death, love is possible.

Burning the Past

As her illness progresses, Tessa becomes obsessed with shedding the trappings of her former life. She burns her diaries, destroys her childhood possessions, and symbolically severs ties with the past. The act is both cathartic and terrifying, a way of making space for the new experiences she craves. Adam helps her through this process, offering support without judgment. The burning of the past is a ritual of transformation, a way for Tessa to assert her agency and prepare for the unknown. It is also a gesture of love, a way of making room for Adam and the life they are building together, however brief it may be.

Diagnosis and Defiance

A hospital visit brings devastating news: Tessa's cancer has spread, and her time is even shorter than she feared. The diagnosis is a turning point, stripping away any remaining illusions of control. Tessa is forced to confront the reality of her mortality, but instead of retreating, she becomes more determined to live fully. She recommits to her list, vowing to experience as much as possible in the time she has left. The news galvanizes her family and friends, drawing them closer even as they struggle to accept what is coming. Tessa's defiance in the face of death is both inspiring and tragic, a testament to the human spirit's refusal to surrender.

Saying Yes to Life

Tessa dedicates a day to saying yes to everything, no matter how absurd or dangerous. The experiment is both liberating and exhausting, pushing her to the limits of her endurance. She reconnects with her brother, indulges Cal's whims, and allows herself to be swept along by Zoey's schemes. The day is a celebration of possibility, a rejection of fear and caution. It is also a reminder of the fragility of life, as Tessa's body struggles to keep up with her ambitions. The act of saying yes becomes a metaphor for her approach to dying—open, unafraid, and determined to wring every drop of meaning from her remaining days.

Love in the Garden

As Tessa's world contracts, her relationship with Adam deepens. The garden becomes their sanctuary, a place where time slows and the outside world fades away. They share quiet moments, confessions, and dreams for a future they know they will never have. Adam's love is unwavering, even as Tessa's body fails. Their intimacy is both physical and emotional, a source of comfort and strength. The garden is a symbol of renewal and hope, a reminder that life continues even in the face of death. For Tessa, love becomes the most important item on her list, the one thing that makes everything else bearable.

The Final Countdown

Tessa's decline accelerates, and the focus shifts to making her comfortable and honoring her wishes. She writes instructions for her family and friends, plans her funeral, and says her goodbyes. The list, once a source of excitement and rebellion, becomes a tool for closure and connection. Tessa's relationships are tested and transformed as those around her grapple with their own grief and guilt. The final days are marked by moments of beauty and pain, laughter and tears. Tessa's courage and honesty inspire those she leaves behind, offering a blueprint for living and dying with grace.

Letting Go

In her final moments, Tessa is surrounded by those she loves. Her family and friends gather at her bedside, offering comfort and support. Tessa drifts in and out of consciousness, her senses fading but her awareness of love undiminished. She lets go of fear and regret, finding peace in the knowledge that she has lived as fully as she could. Her death is not a defeat, but a culmination—a final act of acceptance and release. The story ends with a sense of closure and hope, as those left behind begin the process of healing and remembering.

Characters

Tessa Scott

Tessa is a sixteen-year-old girl facing terminal leukemia. Her journey is defined by a fierce desire to live on her own terms, even as her body fails her. Tessa is impulsive, stubborn, and often reckless, but her actions are driven by a deep longing for connection and meaning. Her relationships—with her family, her best friend Zoey, and her boyfriend Adam—are complex and evolving. Tessa's psychological landscape is marked by fear, anger, and moments of profound clarity. She is both a victim and a warrior, refusing to be defined by her illness. Her development is a journey from denial and rebellion to acceptance and peace, leaving a lasting impact on those around her.

Zoey Walker

Zoey is Tessa's best friend and partner in crime. She is bold, outspoken, and unafraid to push boundaries. Zoey's own life is complicated—she becomes pregnant and must make difficult choices about her future. Her relationship with Tessa is both supportive and strained, as she struggles to balance her own needs with her friend's demands. Zoey's bravado masks deep insecurities and fears about loss and responsibility. Through her friendship with Tessa, Zoey learns about vulnerability, love, and the importance of being present for those you care about.

Adam

Adam is the boy next door who becomes Tessa's anchor in her final months. He is quiet, introspective, and deeply compassionate. Adam's own life is marked by loss—his father's death and his mother's depression—but he finds purpose and meaning in caring for Tessa. Their relationship is a source of healing and growth for both. Adam's love is unconditional, offering Tessa acceptance and peace. He is forced to confront his own fears of abandonment and grief, ultimately emerging stronger and more self-aware.

Tessa's Father

Tessa's father is a single parent consumed by the need to save his daughter. His love is expressed through routines, research, and a relentless pursuit of treatments. He struggles with denial, anger, and helplessness, often clashing with Tessa over her choices. His journey is one of learning to let go, to accept that love sometimes means allowing someone to make their own decisions, even when it hurts. His relationship with Tessa is both tender and fraught, marked by moments of deep connection and painful misunderstanding.

Tessa's Mother

Tessa's mother left the family years ago and has struggled to reconnect. Her relationship with Tessa is complicated by guilt, regret, and a sense of inadequacy. She wants to be present but is often overwhelmed by her own emotions. Through Tessa's illness, she is given a chance to make amends and to rediscover her role as a mother. Her development is a journey from avoidance to acceptance, learning to offer comfort and support in the face of loss.

Cal Scott

Cal is Tessa's younger brother, caught between childhood and the harsh realities of his sister's illness. He is both a source of joy and a reminder of what Tessa is leaving behind. Cal's coping mechanisms—magic tricks, humor, and occasional outbursts—reflect his struggle to understand and process grief. His relationship with Tessa is marked by love, frustration, and a growing awareness of mortality. Cal's development is a testament to the resilience of children in the face of tragedy.

Philippa (Nurse)

Philippa is the community nurse who becomes a steady presence in Tessa's final days. She offers medical care, emotional support, and honest guidance about the dying process. Philippa's professionalism is balanced by genuine warmth and empathy. She helps Tessa and her family navigate the complexities of palliative care, providing both comfort and clarity.

Sally (Adam's Mother)

Sally is Adam's mother, struggling with depression and the aftermath of her husband's death. Her relationship with Adam is one of mutual dependence, as he takes on the role of caregiver. Sally's presence in the story highlights the ripple effects of loss and the challenges of mental illness. Her interactions with Tessa and Adam are marked by vulnerability and a longing for stability.

Jake and Scott

Jake and Scott are the boys Tessa and Zoey meet during their night out. They represent the allure and disappointment of impulsive experiences. Their brief presence in Tessa's life serves as a catalyst for her realization that not all items on her list will bring fulfillment.

Lauren Tessa Walker

Lauren is Zoey's baby, named in part after Tessa. Though she is born after Tessa's death, she represents the possibility of new beginnings and the enduring impact of love and friendship.

Plot Devices

The List

The list is the central plot device, structuring the narrative and driving Tessa's actions. It serves as both a coping mechanism and a declaration of agency. The list's items—ranging from the mundane to the outrageous—reflect Tessa's desire to experience life fully, even as she faces death. The list evolves over time, shifting from acts of rebellion to moments of connection and acceptance. It is a symbol of hope, defiance, and the human need for meaning.

Time Compression and Countdown

The story is structured around the relentless progression of Tessa's illness, creating a sense of urgency and inevitability. The countdown to her death is both explicit and implicit, shaping the choices and emotions of every character. The compression of time heightens the intensity of each experience, forcing Tessa and those around her to confront what truly matters.

First-Person Intimacy

The novel is told from Tessa's point of view, immersing the reader in her thoughts, fears, and desires. This narrative choice creates a sense of intimacy and immediacy, allowing the reader to experience the highs and lows of her journey. The use of stream-of-consciousness and fragmented memories mirrors the disintegration of Tessa's body and mind.

Symbolism of the Garden

The garden is a recurring symbol, representing both the beauty and transience of life. It is the setting for Tessa and Adam's most intimate moments, a place of renewal and peace. The changing seasons in the garden mirror Tessa's own journey, from the blossoming of new love to the quiet acceptance of death.

Foreshadowing and Repetition

The narrative is laced with foreshadowing—references to death, loss, and the passage of time. Repetition of certain images and phrases (the list, the garden, the act of saying yes) reinforces the story's central themes and creates a sense of cohesion. The use of memories and flashbacks deepens the emotional resonance, connecting Tessa's present to her past.

Analysis

Before I Die is a searing exploration of mortality, agency, and the search for meaning in the face of inevitable loss. Jenny Downham's novel transcends the conventions of the "sick-lit" genre by refusing to sentimentalize death or reduce its protagonist to a symbol of tragedy. Instead, Tessa is rendered with complexity and honesty—her anger, fear, and longing are as real as her moments of joy and connection. The novel's structure, anchored by the list, invites readers to consider what it means to truly live, even when time is short. The relationships at the heart of the story—between Tessa and her family, her friends, and her lover—are messy, imperfect, and deeply human. The book's unflinching portrayal of dying is balanced by moments of beauty and hope, reminding us that love and meaning can be found even in the darkest of times. In a modern context, Before I Die challenges readers to confront their own mortality and to ask what they would do if given only a short time to live. The lesson is clear: life is precious, fleeting, and worth living boldly, honestly, and with an open heart.

Last updated: May 14, 2025