Belonging

1. The Ache of Unbelonging is an Epidemic

And yet you may feel, as so many of us do, the ache of a life orphaned from belonging.

Modern alienation. Despite being more connected technologically than ever, modern culture suffers from an epidemic of alienation and loneliness. Many feel alone in their unbelonging, believing everyone else is "inside" something they are "outside" of, and keeping silent perpetuates this estrangement. This feeling can stem from various forms of orphaning, including neglect, systemic exclusion, historical displacement, or cultural rejection of parts of the self.

Origins of estrangement. Our first estrangement often begins in childhood when our natural inclinations are dismissed or shamed to fit into family or cultural norms. Qualities banned from inclusion don't disappear but turn inward, manifesting as depression, anxiety, or rebellion. This pressure to conform leads to splitting off from our true nature, making us feel less and less at home within ourselves.

Silent conversation. Belonging is the central, often silent, conversation of our times, especially amidst rising global fragmentation and "othering." The longing to belong is a powerful, often unconscious, motivator behind many ambitions, yet the pervasive feeling of unbelonging poisons us from the inside out, leaving us feeling purposeless and expendable in a mechanical age.

2. Exile is a Necessary Initiation into True Belonging

If you can stand fully in your own unbelonging and become friendly with the terrors of loneliness and exclusion, you can no longer be governed by your avoidance of them.

Breaking from the familiar. When individual needs conflict with the group, a period of exile or separation is often necessary for maturation. This can be chosen or forced, but it slams the door on the old way of life, bringing us into relationship with our resilience and originality away from the shallow soil of false belonging. Initiations by exile, common in myths and fairy tales, are meant to bring us into the true medicine of our calling.

Facing core wounds. Exile often triggers unresolved traumas from our past and ancestral lines, inviting us to confront them through a present-time portal. While painful, this descent into the underworld, like Inanna's journey, requires surrendering layers of armor and undergoing a symbolic death of the old life to be reborn with greater resilience and a holy assignment. It is a humbling of the will, shattering illusions before rebuilding can begin.

Finding a new way. Reconciling with permanent exile is a long undertaking, but it is a turning towards the soul. By sinking into the isolation and knowing its proportions, we can tunnel outwards into greater intimacy with life. The compromise you cannot make often leads to initiation, asking if you will stand by your truth, bear the attrition, and trust the unknown to carry you into new ranges of belonging.

3. False Belonging Demands Conformity, True Belonging Welcomes Wholeness

The difference between ‘fitting in’ and belonging is that fitting in, by its very definition, is to parcel off our wholeness in exchange for acceptance.

Conditional membership. Our powerful longing for community can lead us to join groups or relationships that offer conditional membership, requiring us to cut off parts of ourselves to fit in. These places of "false belonging" often have hidden contracts and motives, exploiting our desire to be of service for their own goals, like conformity or subservience to a leader.

Splitting off the self. To fit in, we learn to split off, shrink down, and silence or hide aspects of our being, living with a limited palette of acceptable expressions. This self-imposed exile, while a survival strategy, leads to spiritual or creative paralysis and drains energy. It prevents us from stepping into leadership roles or expressing our unique "star," which threatens the status quo of false belonging.

Reaching a threshold. While false belonging can be instructive, the soul becomes restless when it hits a restriction that prevents growth. There is always a threshold where self-compromise becomes intolerable. Defying acceptability by following your inner star is a risk, requiring stepping out of usual support systems, but the price of remaining small is ultimately higher than the cost of stepping into your bigness.

4. Heal the Death Mother Wound by Reclaiming Your Rejected Self

Most extraordinarily in this work, we discover that the lion’s share of our shadow is pure gold.

Internalized rejection. The "Death Mother" archetype represents the energy that resents, abandons, or seeks to destroy the child's unique creative core. Internalizing this energy leads to self-abdication, believing one is unworthy or unwanted, and projecting this onto the world. This can manifest as perfectionism, fierce independence, or becoming a caretaker, all attempts to earn a tenuous place in belonging.

Shadow work. Everything forgotten, denied, rejected, or undiscovered goes into the "Shadow." Trying to live up to impossible ideals of goodness or enlightenment only gives the dark side more power, bursting out in dark dreams or psychological symptoms. Dreamwork and belonging are synonymous in learning hospitality towards the dark, repulsive figures in our dreams, which are often rejected aspects of ourselves seeking re-belonging.

Reclaiming power. The dark guests in our dreams (anger, shame, fear, etc.) are not wrong but carry essential intelligence. By turning towards them, amplifying their expression, and listening to what they want, we liberate energy locked in unexpressed feelings. This process reveals that much of our shadow is "pure gold"—creative endowments and unique power forged in darkness—which can be claimed for empowerment and lead to greater compassion for others.

5. Pain and Difficult Emotions are Sacred Allies and Guides

All medicine wants is pain to cure.

Beyond good and bad. Modern culture pathologizes "negative emotions" like anger, sadness, and anxiety, urging us to bypass them. However, these feelings are not wrong; they are disagreements with how things are and, if we are receptive, can change our navigation of life. They are like obstacles in a river, requiring navigation, not eradication.

Intelligence of feeling. Anger protects what is tender, signals injustice, and provides energy for action. Suppressing it leads to depression or inappropriate lashing out. Disappointment reveals hidden falseness and fuels longing for something better, teaching devotion. Restlessness signals misalignment with inner rhythms and asks about the purpose of our endeavors. Impatience urges us to bypass necessary awkwardness and uncertainty. Shame makes us hide parts of ourselves, but risking vulnerability is its antidote. Grief is the soul's acknowledgment of what we value, a necessary current for moving forward after loss.

Guides from beyond. Difficult emotions and experiences are "guides from beyond," clearing us out for new delight. By making compassionate encounters with them, we reveal their hidden intelligence and transform them from adversaries into allies. This practice builds resilience, allowing us to meet setbacks and suffering with greater capacity and become a refuge for others.

6. The Symbolic Life (Dreams, Myth, Story) Connects Us to Mystery

By listening to our dreams, and the stories of our bones, by hearing the manifold voices of the land, we can repair the bridge of our belonging to the great unfolding story of creation.

Loss of the mythic. Materialism, which reduces everything to the observable, has estranged us from the symbolic life and the "Otherworld" that old cultures conversed with through dreams, myths, and ceremony. This loss leads to meaninglessness, which we try to fill with material pursuits, displacing our natural impulse to worship from the symbolic to the literal.

Biological necessity of story. Storying is a biological imperative; dreams compulsively spin narratives nightly for health and integration. Myths and fairy tales provide archetypal maps, showing that our personal struggles are part of universal patterns and offering wisdom for navigation. They remind us we are not alone but connected to an ancestral storehouse of experience.

Restorying our lives. We are constantly storying our lives, often unconsciously influenced by others' definitions of us. Dreams and myths help expose these limiting narratives, offering "windows of opportunity" to escape outdated myths and restory ourselves. By attending to the symbolic language of dreams and reframing our experiences, we can align with the greater story of creation and spell the way towards our destiny.

7. Handmaking and Creativity are Embodied Acts of Belonging

To become a fully fledged member of the ecosphere, each of us must find a way to make a contribution of beauty medicine to the world.

Embodied wisdom. Handmaking connects us to our ancestral heritage and the stories embedded in materials and crafts. It is an act of conceiving, laboring for, and contributing to culture, keeping belonging alive through tangible objects. This practice teaches slowness, patience, and the value of things, countering the speed and disposability of modern life.

Creativity as instinct. Creativity is the instinctual impulse to come forth, grow, and express new perspectives, arising from the unconscious. It is not limited to artists but is a vital force in everyone, inextricably bound to our vitality. Originality comes from unhindering what's already within, connecting to the "Grandmother Well" from which all creation arises.

Offering beauty medicine. True beauty includes brokenness and fallibility, serving as medicine for our own wounds and inspiring intimacy with the world's wounds. Sharing our gifts, our "beauty medicine," is essential to completing its cycle and stepping into being seen. This contribution, no matter how small, is an act of belonging, weaving our unique thread into the collective tapestry.

8. Ancestral Longing Calls Us Home to Our Origins

This ache for something deeply familiar, yet entirely unknown, is our longing for a home we’ve always-never known.

Orphaned from lineage. Many are orphaned from ancestral land, history, songs, and wisdom ways due to exile, persecution, or assimilation. This leaves an unassuageable ache for something deeply familiar yet unknown, a longing for reunion with the "forty pairs of eyes" that expected our arrival.

Longing as divine inclination. Longing is not a desire to be satisfied by worldly forms but a divine inclination drawing us towards the Beloved, the life meant for us. Like a plant growing towards the sun, it is nature inclining us towards the light needed for fruitfulness. It is also the sound of something seeking us, calling us homeward.

Healing inherited wounds. Unbelonging is often an inherited pattern, gaining momentum through generations of exile and forgetting. Tracing this longing back to its origins, reconciling it to history, and healing ancestral patterns through personal work liberates souls left unresolved. Connecting to our ancestral mythos and the stories in our bones re-members us into our indigeneity and the great unfolding story.

9. Cultivate Reciprocity and Tend a Village Together

Our future depends on us learning how to move as an ecosystem does, in harmony and collaboration.

Beyond transaction. Modern culture's transactional paradigm undermines community reciprocity, where individuals contribute skills and support for the common good (minga). Like a reciprocal roof, community members are interdependent and essential, relying on each other rather than solely on money or individual effort.

Building connection. Creating community requires leadership (inviting others) and participation (answering the call). Shared values are the foundation, rallying people together for common interests or causes. Engaging in social contribution, volunteering, or simply taking interest in neighbors strengthens ties and builds rapport.

Circles and ritual. Gathering in circles and creating rituals are powerful technologies for strengthening community bonds, celebrating transitions, and expressing collective feeling. Rituals mark passages, provide witnessing, and weave individuals deeper into togetherness, countering the isolation of modern life. This requires commitment and practice, even when it feels awkward.

10. The Invitational Presence Fosters Intimacy and Wonder

To be approachable to life, to each other, and to mystery, we have to cultivate an inner hospitality.

Inner hospitality. Cultivating an invitational presence means opening a space in our hearts for others, nature, and mystery to enter. It's about putting down our own maneuvering to be truly interested in the other, holding a welcoming presence without expectation or judgment. This presence signals belief in the other's inner knowing and fosters intimacy.

Presence and wonder. Presence is wakefulness, an attentiveness to life's unfolding, including discomfort and contradiction. It makes us porous to mystery and awakens accountability towards relationships and the natural world. Cultivating wonder, especially in nature, by being curious and comfortable with not having answers, draws life closer and preserves our connection to the sacred.

Embodying ambiguity. Dreams teach ambiguity, the ability to hold multiple perspectives at once, countering binary thinking. This capacity for ambiguity allows us to withstand uncertainty and straddle paradox, essential for navigating complex relationships and the world. It moves us from alienation to intimacy, fostering inclusivity and recognizing the conversation between things.

11. Bearing Pleasure Requires Receiving and Gratefulness

We must learn to bear the pleasures as we have borne the pains.

Receiving as a muscle. Emerging from pain into pleasure requires learning to receive, a muscle that can atrophy from contraction due to unworthiness or a bias towards doing. Unworthiness acts as a barrier to well-being, making us distrustful of goodness. Bearing pleasure means inviting love into places that anticipate pain and allowing life into areas cordoned off in self-preservation.

Worthiness is intrinsic. Worthiness is not earned but is our intrinsic state when we dismantle barriers built from inherited or developed scarcity patterns. It is the value we ascribe to ourselves and the world, found by following what makes us feel alive and reclaiming gifts sent behind the barrier of unworthiness. Worthiness is the ongoing willingness to meet life squarely, equal to its challenges and its generosity.

Gratefulness as practice. Gratefulness is the sun around which receiving and well-being revolve. It is the recognition of our belonging to life's dance, declaring our worthiness by showing up for its generosity. Practicing gratitude, even for small things, gentles our eyes to see life with kindness, multiplies generosity, and resensitizes us to the beauty rushing in. It is a form of forgiveness and remembership, solidifying our relationship with the living mystery.

Last updated: June 4, 2025