Between Two Kingdoms

1. The journey from sickness to health is not linear

"Recovery isn't a gentle self-care spree that restores you to a pre-illness state. Though the word may suggest otherwise, recovery is not about salvaging the old at all. It's about accepting that you must forsake a familiar self forever, in favor of one that is being newly born."

Transformation, not restoration. The path from illness to wellness is rarely straightforward. It involves setbacks, unexpected challenges, and a complete reimagining of one's identity. Suleika Jaouad's experience with leukemia and its aftermath illustrates this complex journey.

• Physical recovery: Dealing with lingering side effects, fatigue, and the constant fear of relapse
• Emotional recovery: Processing trauma, grief, and the loss of one's former self
• Social recovery: Navigating changed relationships and societal expectations

The author's road trip across America becomes a metaphor for this non-linear journey, with each encounter and experience contributing to her evolving sense of self and healing.

2. Writing can be a powerful tool for healing and self-discovery

"I thought I'd feel victorious when I reached this moment—I thought I'd want to celebrate. But instead, it feels like the beginning of a new kind of reckoning."

Articulating the inarticulable. Writing becomes Jaouad's lifeline throughout her illness and recovery. It serves multiple purposes:

• Coping mechanism: Providing an outlet for processing complex emotions and experiences
• Communication tool: Bridging the gap between the world of the sick and the well
• Career path: Leading to a column in The New York Times and connecting her with a broader community

The author's journey demonstrates how putting words to experiences can help make sense of chaos, create meaning from suffering, and forge connections with others facing similar challenges.

3. Caregiving in illness can strain even the strongest relationships

"Will was my great love—I was pretty sure that this would always be the case—but as much as I wanted to think that with enough time and space we would eventually find our way back together, I no longer believed this was possible."

Love under pressure. The intense demands of caregiving during prolonged illness can test even the most devoted relationships. Jaouad's experience with her boyfriend Will highlights several challenges:

• Role imbalance: The shift from partners to patient and caregiver
• Emotional exhaustion: The toll of constant worry and responsibility
• Loss of normalcy: The struggle to maintain a sense of regular life and individuality

The breakdown of their relationship serves as a poignant reminder of the complex emotional landscape navigated by both patients and caregivers, and the importance of support systems for all involved.

4. Survivorship comes with its own unique set of challenges

"I had always imagined myself as the kind of writer who would help other people tell their stories, but increasingly I found myself gravitating toward the first person. Illness had turned my gaze inward."

Life after survival. Completing treatment is often just the beginning of a new set of challenges for cancer survivors. Jaouad's experiences highlight several key issues:

• Identity crisis: Struggling to reconcile pre-illness identity with post-treatment reality
• Survivor's guilt: Grappling with why one survived when others did not
• Lingering health concerns: Dealing with long-term side effects and fear of recurrence
• Social reintegration: Navigating relationships and societal expectations as a survivor

The author's journey illustrates the need for continued support and understanding for those in the "in-between" space of post-treatment survivorship.

5. Building a support network is crucial during and after illness

"Trauma has a way of dividing your view of the world into two camps: those who get it and those who don't."

Finding your tribe. Jaouad's story emphasizes the importance of connecting with others who understand the unique challenges of serious illness. This support comes in various forms:

• Fellow patients: Forming bonds with others going through similar experiences
• Online communities: Connecting with a broader network of survivors and supporters
• Unexpected allies: Finding understanding and connection in unlikely places

The author's "cancer crew" and the relationships she forms during her road trip demonstrate how shared experiences can create powerful bonds and provide essential emotional support.

6. Travel and new experiences can aid in recovery and self-discovery

"I wanted to expect nothing. To ask for nothing. To depend on no one. To find out what lies on the other side of the in-between place. To start living again."

Movement as medicine. Jaouad's cross-country road trip becomes a metaphor for her inner journey of healing and self-discovery. The experience provides:

• Physical challenge: Pushing beyond the limitations imposed by illness
• Emotional growth: Confronting fears and rediscovering joy in new experiences
• Perspective shift: Encountering diverse viewpoints and ways of life

The author's travels illustrate how stepping out of one's comfort zone and embracing new experiences can be a powerful tool for personal growth and healing.

7. Grief and loss are inevitable parts of the healing journey

"Grief is a ghost that visits without warning. It comes in the night and rips you from your sleep. It fills your chest with shards of glass. It interrupts you mid-laugh when you're at a party, chastising you that, just for a moment, you've forgotten."

Embracing the ache. Jaouad's experience highlights the multifaceted nature of grief in the context of illness and recovery:

• Loss of self: Mourning the person you were before illness
• Loss of others: Coping with the deaths of fellow patients and friends
• Loss of potential: Grappling with changed life expectations and dreams

The author's journey demonstrates the importance of acknowledging and processing grief as an integral part of healing, rather than trying to avoid or suppress it.

8. Embracing vulnerability and authenticity leads to deeper connections

"Grief isn't meant to be silenced," she says, "to live in the body and be carried alone."

Strength in openness. Throughout her journey, Jaouad learns the power of genuine vulnerability:

• Breaking silences: Discussing topics often considered taboo, like death and mental health
• Authentic storytelling: Sharing the raw, unfiltered truth of her experiences
• Reciprocal healing: Finding that openness often invites others to share their own stories

The deep connections formed during her road trip, often with strangers, illustrate how embracing vulnerability can lead to profound human connections and mutual healing.

9. Redefining identity after illness is a complex process

"To be well now is to learn to accept whatever body and mind I currently have."

Embracing the new normal. Jaouad's journey illustrates the ongoing process of redefining oneself after serious illness:

• Physical changes: Adapting to a changed body and its limitations
• Emotional landscape: Integrating the experience of illness into one's life story
• Future orientation: Reimagining goals and dreams in light of new realities

The author's road trip becomes a metaphor for this process of rediscovery and redefinition, highlighting the importance of patience, self-compassion, and openness to new possibilities in crafting a post-illness identity.

Last updated: January 22, 2025