BoyMom

1. Raising Boys in the #MeToo Era is Fraught with Fear and Contradiction.

I was frightened both for and of the tiny piece of patriarchy growing inside me, worried sick over what he and his brothers might become.

Post-#MeToo anxiety. The author, pregnant with her third son during the height of the #MeToo movement, felt a profound fear about raising boys in a world grappling with male bad behavior. News of prominent men's abuses mingled with personal anxieties, creating a sense of dread about the potential for darkness in her sons. This period highlighted a cultural shift where boys were increasingly viewed as "trouble" in liberal circles.

Feminist conflict. As a feminist, the author struggled with the contradiction of condemning systemic male behavior while raising male children. The idea that masculinity itself might be inherently toxic clashed with the love for her sons, leading to feelings of hypocrisy and defensiveness. This internal conflict reflected a broader societal fracturing along gender lines, where males became symbols of the status quo and females of progressive change.

Challenging stereotypes. The author initially believed gender didn't matter and resisted stereotypes, but the post-#MeToo climate made this stance difficult to maintain. The pervasive narrative of male misconduct forced a re-evaluation of whether raising a boy was fundamentally different from raising a girl. This personal struggle mirrored the wider cultural debate about the interplay of nature and nurture in shaping gender and behavior.

2. Boys' Innate Vulnerability Requires More Nurturing, Not Less.

Boys need more care than girls and they get less.

Biological differences. Research indicates that boys are born more vulnerable and mature more slowly than girls, particularly in brain areas related to emotional self-regulation and impulse control. Male infants are more easily distressed and require more caregiver support to calm down. This innate fragility means boys are more susceptible to the long-term negative impacts of environmental stressors or parenting mistakes.

Undercare phenomenon. Despite needing more care, boys often receive less nurturing and positive attention from birth compared to girls. Studies show adults perceive baby boys as tougher and less in need of comfort, leading to subtle differences in treatment. This "undercare," distinct from active neglect, can negatively influence emotional and moral development later in life.

Impact on development. The lack of sufficient early nurturing can hinder boys' ability to regulate emotions and form secure attachments, which are foundational for lifelong well-being and relationships. This suggests that biological differences necessitate more intentional nurture for boys, challenging the "boys will be boys" rationale often used to excuse less attentive parenting or behavior.

3. Traditional Masculinity Scripts Deprive Boys of Relational Skills and Lead to Loneliness.

It’s hard to even imagine a book like that for boys. It’s just this assumption about what boys like and want.

Gendered narratives. Boys are often funneled into narrative worlds dominated by conflict, heroes, and villains, with little focus on emotional complexity or relationships. Unlike "girl stories" centered on friendships and social dynamics, boys' stories rarely model intimate, emotionally focused connections between male characters. This cultural diet teaches boys that relationships and emotional labor are not their concern.

Undervalued skills. Society tends to trivialize feminine-coded skills like emotional intelligence and relationship building, viewing them as "girl drama" rather than essential human capacities. This devaluation means boys receive less encouragement and fewer role models for developing these skills. Consequently, many boys struggle to form the deep, supportive friendships they desire.

Crisis of connection. Studies and interviews reveal that many adolescent boys experience loneliness, feeling their friendships are superficial despite having peers. They often lack the social permission and skills to be emotionally vulnerable with male friends. This deficit in relational intelligence, arguably socialized out of them, contributes to a "crisis of connection" among young men, impacting their well-being.

4. Boys' Struggles in School are Linked to Socialization, Not Just Biology.

Boys are given an impossible set of expectations that they have to be tough and defy authority, and show leadership and also be learners, which is a feminized positionality.

Academic gap. Boys are falling behind girls academically across all levels, particularly in reading and language arts. While biological factors like slower brain maturation play a role, this gap is significantly influenced by socialization and cultural expectations. Boys are often less conscientious students, less willing to sit still, listen, and engage in tasks perceived as "feminized."

"Feminizing the classroom" critique. Some argue schools are increasingly tailored to girls' perceived strengths, devaluing boys' innate behaviors. However, this critique often overlooks how masculinity norms actively hinder boys' academic engagement. Messages that equate learning with femininity or encourage defiance of authority conflict with the diligence required for school success.

Impact of stereotypes. Research shows boys internalize the idea that school is for girls, which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy (stereotype threat). Studies indicate that the more boys adhere to traditional masculine norms, the worse their grades, especially in humanities. Conversely, raising boys in more gender-progressive environments is associated with smaller academic gaps, suggesting socialization is a key factor.

5. Screens Contribute to Boys' Disconnection and Isolation.

A lot of these kids aren’t getting that experience because there’s always a screen.

Displacement of social time. Boys are spending significantly more time on screens and less time socializing in person than previous generations and their female peers. This trend, accelerated by the pandemic, means boys are increasingly conducting their social lives online through gaming and platforms like Discord. While offering connection, these virtual interactions often lack the depth of real-world relationships.

Erosion of social skills. Excessive screen time can hinder the development of crucial social-emotional skills needed for real-world interaction. Boys may use online spaces to avoid the awkwardness and anxiety of in-person socializing, creating a vicious cycle where their social muscles atrophy. This makes it harder to form and maintain deep connections outside the virtual world.

Illusion of connection. Online platforms can provide a sense of belonging, but they may not fulfill the need for genuine intimacy and support. Boys may have large online networks but feel isolated and lonely in real life. This retreat into virtual worlds, while offering ease and avoiding fear, can ultimately exacerbate feelings of disconnection and prevent boys from developing the capacity for meaningful relationships.

6. The Loneliness and Shame of Masculinity Can Fuel Extremism (Incels).

Shame is the core emotion for men.

Masculinity and shame. Traditional masculinity norms create impossible expectations (tough, invulnerable, successful), leading many boys and men to feel inadequate and ashamed when they fall short. This pervasive sense of shame, often internalized and unexpressed due to the pressure for stoicism, is a core issue for men's mental health. It can manifest as anger, depression, or risky behavior.

Incels as an extreme. Involuntary celibates (incels) represent a tragic manifestation of this loneliness and shame, often radicalized online. Their ideology, the "Blackpill," is rooted in hopelessness and resentment, particularly towards women, whom they blame for their lack of sexual success. While their violence is extreme, their underlying pain—loneliness, rejection, feeling unseen—resonates with broader male experiences.

Seeking belonging. Paradoxically, incel forums can become spaces where young men, ostracized elsewhere for not being "masculine enough," find a twisted sense of belonging and emotional openness. They share their pain and vulnerabilities with each other in ways they feel impossible with other men. This highlights the urgent need for healthy spaces where boys can find connection and empathy without resorting to hateful ideologies.

7. Campus Sexual Assault Debates Highlight Complexities and Due Process Concerns.

How did we get to the point where that was a right-wing cause?

Post-#MeToo reckoning. The #MeToo movement brought crucial attention to the prevalence of sexual assault and colleges' failure to address it, leading to stricter Title IX enforcement. This shift aimed to prioritize survivors and hold men accountable, a necessary correction after centuries of disbelief and victim-blaming. However, the implementation has raised complex questions about fairness and due process.

Due process concerns. Critics, including some feminists, argue that the push for swift justice on campus has sometimes led to processes lacking fundamental due process protections for the accused. Lower standards of evidence and perceived bias against male students, particularly those from marginalized backgrounds, have become points of contention. This has led to lawsuits and fueled a narrative among some men that they are unfairly targeted.

Politicization of the issue. The debate over campus sexual assault has become highly politicized, with the right often framing it as a "war on men" and the left emphasizing the need to believe survivors. This tribalism makes nuanced discussion difficult and can prevent empathy for all parties involved. The experience of being accused, even if later cleared, can be deeply traumatizing for young men, sometimes pushing them towards right-wing ideologies.

8. Boys' Sexuality is Shaped by Fear and Pressure, Not Just Desire.

It feels like we are set up to fail.

Conflicting expectations. Boys navigate contradictory messages about sex: be confident and dominant (masculinity norms) versus be sensitive and cautious (post-#MeToo expectations). This leaves many feeling anxious and unsure how to behave. The fear of misstepping and facing severe consequences like cancellation adds a new layer of pressure to sexual encounters.

Retreat from real-world sex. This climate of fear, combined with the ease and accessibility of online porn, contributes to a trend of boys retreating from real-world dating and sex. Porn offers a low-stakes, emotionally undemanding alternative to navigating the complexities and potential rejections of in-person relationships. While convenient, this bypasses crucial learning experiences about intimacy and mutual pleasure.

Porn's complex influence. While often blamed for objectification and unrealistic expectations, porn's impact is nuanced. It can contribute to body image issues for boys and reinforce traditional gender roles, but it also exposes them to diverse sexual practices and can be used for pleasure by people of all genders. Blaming porn alone overlooks the broader cultural narratives about masculinity and sex that shape boys' understanding and behavior.

9. Challenging Masculinity Norms is a Project of Freedom and Connection for All.

Patriarchy is a complicated beast.

Patriarchy's cost to men. While conferring privilege, patriarchy also harms men by limiting their emotional expression, hindering deep connections, and creating impossible standards that lead to shame and inadequacy. It prioritizes power and stoicism over intimacy and vulnerability, ultimately depriving men of essential components of a fulfilling life. This suggests that dismantling patriarchy is beneficial for all genders.

Naming the invisible. Challenging masculinity requires identifying and naming the subtle, often invisible, ways it shapes expectations and limits boys' potential. This includes recognizing the absence of relational role models, the pressure for physical toughness, and the devaluation of emotional expression. Making these norms visible is the first step towards questioning and changing them.

Prioritizing connection. To counteract the isolating effects of masculinity, we must actively prioritize connection and intimacy for boys. This means providing nurturing care from an early age, teaching social-emotional skills, encouraging empathy, and fostering strong relationships with family and peers. By valuing and modeling connection, we offer boys a more expansive and fulfilling vision for their lives than the restrictive scripts of traditional masculinity.

Last updated: June 7, 2025