Clear Leadership

1. Interpersonal mush erodes collaboration and partnership

We are sense-making beings, that is, we will work at trying to make sense of people who are important to us until we are satisfied.

Interpersonal mush defined. Interpersonal mush refers to interactions based on unchecked stories people make up about each other. This occurs because:

• We constantly generate stories to fill gaps in our knowledge about others
• These stories tend to become more negative over time
• We rarely check the accuracy of our stories directly with the person

Consequences of interpersonal mush:

• Fragmentation and formation of subcultures within organizations
• Increased distrust and failed expectations
• Leaders become unable to see the consequences of their actions
• An active "organizational unconscious" develops, hindering effective communication
• Poor implementation and follow-through on decisions
• Inability to learn collectively from experience
• Stress disorders among employees

2. Self-awareness is the foundation of clear leadership

Awareness is the basis of differentiation, and without it, differentiation may be impossible to achieve.

The experience cube. Clear leadership begins with self-awareness, which involves understanding your moment-to-moment experience across four elements:

• Observations: What you see and hear objectively
• Thoughts: Your interpretations, judgments, and beliefs
• Feelings: Your emotions and bodily sensations
• Wants: Your desires, goals, and motivations

Developing self-awareness:

• Pay attention to all four elements of your experience
• Use clear language, avoiding "you" statements that confuse your experience with others'
• Focus on the present moment, the "here and now"
• Identify and examine your mental maps (assumptions and beliefs)

3. Describing your experience prevents misunderstandings

Being descriptive means just that, describing to others what is going on in your head so that they have more accurate information for their sense making.

Be transparent, not intimate. The Descriptive Self shares relevant information about their current experience without oversharing personal details. This involves:

• Focusing on your here-and-now experience related to the people present
• Avoiding sharing intimate details unrelated to the current situation
• Describing emotions calmly rather than expressing them intensely

Guidelines for being descriptive:

• Make statements before asking questions to provide context
• Describe the impact others have on you before responding to content
• Focus on describing your experience, not judgments about others
• Use "I" statements to take ownership of your experience

4. Curiosity about others' experiences builds trust

The mastery of the Curious Self is the ability to help others become aware of and tell you about their maps and experience.

Overcoming reactivity. To be truly curious, we must learn to park our reactions and avoid:

• Competence compulsion: The need to appear competent at all times
• Personification and defensive projection: Seeing our own negative traits in others
• Shame: Feeling fundamentally flawed or unworthy

Techniques for being curious:

• Make it appealing for others to share their experience
• Confront for insight by focusing on discrepancies, not blame
• Listen through the cube, exploring all elements of others' experience
• Practice active listening, paraphrasing, and asking clarifying questions

5. Appreciation amplifies positive behaviors and intentions

The Appreciative Self sees the future unfolding in the present—sees the potential in people and processes and acts in ways that make those latent attributes manifest.

Cultivating an appreciative mindset. This involves:

• Focusing on what you want more of, not what you want to eliminate
• Assuming positive intent behind others' actions
• Believing that your thoughts and feelings influence reality

Tracking and fanning:

• Tracking: Actively looking for instances of desired behaviors or qualities
• Fanning: Amplifying and encouraging those positive aspects
• Examples: Noticing and praising specific improvements, sharing success stories

6. Learning conversations clear out interpersonal mush

A learning conversation is an inquiry conducted by two or more people into their patterns of interaction for the purpose of clearing out the mush.

Steps in a learning conversation:

1. Enter with the right attitude: Be willing to learn about yourself
2. Fully explore each person's experience using the experience cube
3. Describe each person's here-and-now experience before transitions
4. Summarize and check for understanding
5. Identify learned insights about your part in the problem pattern
6. Commit to specific changes or problem-solve if needed

Benefits of learning conversations:

• Clear out misunderstandings and inaccurate stories
• Build stronger partnerships and trust
• Identify real issues beneath surface conflicts
• Create a culture of openness and continuous improvement

7. Self-differentiation balances connection and individuality

Self-differentiation is about having clear boundaries, being clear on what my experience is and the difference between that and your experience.

Understanding self-differentiation. It involves:

• Being separate from and simultaneously connected to others
• Not taking responsibility for others' experiences or making them responsible for yours
• Maintaining your own thoughts and feelings while staying curious about others

Overcoming fusion and disconnection:

• Fusion: Losing yourself in others' experiences or demanding they manage your anxiety
• Disconnection: Avoiding emotional connection and showing little interest in others' experiences
• Self-differentiation: Finding a balance between these extremes

8. Clear leadership sustains collaborative organizations

Clear leadership is about creating inquiry when our performance or relationships are not what we want them to be, and it's about learning from our collective experience.

Key elements of clear leadership:

• Acknowledging that we create our own experience
• Checking out our stories and reducing inaccurate sense-making
• Telling the truth of our experience while staying differentiated
• Remaining curious about others' experiences
• Maintaining an appreciative approach to interactions

Benefits for collaborative organizations:

• Increased trust and open communication
• Better decision-making based on accurate information
• Improved ability to learn from collective experience
• Sustained partnerships and collaborations
• Reduced interpersonal conflicts and misunderstandings

Last updated: March 21, 2025