Key Takeaways
1. Pleasure, not desire, is the measure of sexual well-being
Pleasure is the measure of sexual well-being—not how much you want it, how often you do it, with whom, where, what time of day, or even whether you have orgasms. It's whether or not you like the sex you are having.
Redefining sexual success. The traditional focus on sexual desire and frequency is misguided. Instead, the quality of sexual experiences, as measured by pleasure and enjoyment, should be the primary metric for sexual well-being. This shift in perspective allows for a more inclusive and satisfying approach to sexuality, accommodating diverse experiences and preferences.
Embracing individual differences. By centering pleasure, couples can move away from comparing their sex lives to societal norms or expectations. This approach recognizes that:
- Sexual satisfaction is highly personal
- There is no "normal" frequency or type of sexual activity
- Responsive desire is as valid as spontaneous desire
- Pleasure can be found in various forms of intimacy, not just intercourse
2. Context shapes sexual experiences and satisfaction
Pleasure is sensation in context—a sensation you experience in a stressful context may feel uncomfortable, while the same sensation in a great, sexy context may feel pleasurable.
Understanding the dual nature of context. Sexual experiences are profoundly influenced by both external circumstances and internal states. External factors include relationship dynamics, physical environment, and cultural influences. Internal states encompass emotional well-being, stress levels, and physical health.
Creating a pleasure-positive context. Couples can enhance their sexual satisfaction by actively shaping their context:
- Identify and minimize "brakes" (factors that inhibit arousal)
- Cultivate "accelerators" (factors that enhance arousal)
- Communicate openly about preferences and boundaries
- Prioritize relaxation and stress reduction
- Experiment with different settings and scenarios
3. Emotional floorplans guide sexual connection
Your emotional floorplan includes pleasure-favorable spaces—lust, seeking, play, and care—and pleasure-adverse spaces—fear, rage, and panic/grief.
Mapping emotional landscapes. Understanding one's emotional floorplan provides insights into personal patterns of arousal and inhibition. This knowledge allows individuals and couples to navigate their emotional states more effectively, especially in relation to sexual experiences.
Leveraging emotional awareness. By recognizing their current emotional state and its proximity to "lust," individuals can:
- Identify pathways to transition from adverse to favorable spaces
- Communicate more effectively about emotional needs and barriers
- Develop strategies to cultivate pleasure-favorable states
- Practice moving through difficult emotions without judgment
- Collaborate with partners to create mutually satisfying experiences
4. Confidence and joy transform sexual relationships
Confidence is knowing what's true, and joy is loving what's true.
Embracing authenticity. Confidence in one's sexual self and joy in one's experiences are transformative forces in relationships. This mindset allows individuals to move beyond societal expectations and personal insecurities, fostering genuine connection and pleasure.
Cultivating confidence and joy. Practical steps to enhance these qualities include:
- Educating oneself about sexuality and relationships
- Challenging internalized negative beliefs
- Practicing self-compassion and body acceptance
- Celebrating personal and shared sexual discoveries
- Focusing on pleasure and connection rather than performance
- Communicating openly about desires, boundaries, and experiences
5. Trust and admiration are foundational for lasting intimacy
Couples who sustain a strong sexual connection over the long term are different from each other in myriad ways, but in one way they are all the same: They collaborate to create a context that makes pleasure easier to access, not least by turning toward each other's whole, authentic selves with confidence, joy, and calm, warm curiosity.
Building relational strength. Trust and admiration form the bedrock of enduring sexual connections. These qualities create a safe space for vulnerability, exploration, and growth within the relationship.
Nurturing trust and admiration. Couples can strengthen these aspects by:
- Practicing emotional accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement
- Acknowledging and appreciating each other's positive qualities
- Supporting each other's personal growth and aspirations
- Maintaining open and honest communication
- Demonstrating reliability and consistency in actions
- Respecting boundaries and individual needs
6. Curiosity is key to overcoming sexual challenges
Calm, warm curiosity is the most important tool for solving problems.
Embracing a growth mindset. Approaching sexual challenges with curiosity rather than judgment or frustration opens up possibilities for learning, adaptation, and deeper connection. This attitude helps couples navigate difficulties with openness and compassion.
Practicing curious exploration. Couples can cultivate curiosity by:
- Asking open-ended questions about each other's experiences
- Exploring new sensations, fantasies, or activities together
- Reflecting on personal reactions and triggers without judgment
- Seeking to understand rather than to fix or change
- Approaching differences with genuine interest and respect
- Experimenting with new approaches to pleasure and intimacy
7. The gender mirage obstructs authentic sexuality
The gender mirage is just somebody else's opinion about how to live in your body. You never asked for their opinion, and you have no obligation to agree.
Recognizing societal constraints. The gender mirage refers to the restrictive and often harmful societal expectations placed on individuals based on their assigned gender. These expectations can significantly limit sexual expression and satisfaction.
Dismantling gender stereotypes. To move beyond the gender mirage:
- Question internalized beliefs about gender roles in sexuality
- Explore personal desires and boundaries without gender-based limitations
- Communicate openly with partners about gender expectations
- Support each other in authentic sexual expression
- Educate oneself about diverse gender identities and expressions
- Challenge societal narratives that reinforce harmful stereotypes
8. Heterosexual relationships face unique challenges
Women complain about men following the Winner rules. Men complain about women not following the Giver rules.
Navigating gendered expectations. Heterosexual couples often grapple with deeply ingrained societal norms that can create tension and misunderstanding. Recognizing and addressing these patterns is crucial for building equitable and satisfying relationships.
Overcoming heteronormative challenges. Strategies for heterosexual couples include:
- Identifying and challenging internalized gender roles
- Practicing equal emotional labor and household responsibilities
- Communicating openly about sexual needs and preferences
- Supporting each other's personal growth and autonomy
- Addressing power imbalances in the relationship
- Seeking out diverse relationship models and resources
9. Erotic wisdom unlocks profound intimacy
The magic trick surfaces the erotic wisdom inside you and creates a context that allows your erotic wisdom to merge with others.
Tapping into erotic potential. Erotic wisdom refers to a deep, embodied understanding of one's sexuality and capacity for pleasure. Accessing this wisdom can lead to transcendent sexual experiences and profound connection.
Cultivating erotic wisdom. Practices to develop this capacity include:
- Mindful body awareness and exploration
- Breath work and conscious movement
- Tantric or spiritual sexual practices
- Exploring fantasy and imagination
- Practicing presence and full engagement during intimacy
- Cultivating a sense of play and curiosity in sexual experiences
- Engaging in regular, intentional sensual practices (alone or with a partner)
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FAQ
1. What’s Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections by Emily Nagoski about?
- Focus on lasting sexual connections: The book explores how to create and sustain satisfying sexual connections in long-term relationships, centering pleasure as the core measure of sexual well-being.
- Science and art of sexuality: Nagoski blends research, lived experience, and practical tools to help couples co-create contexts that make pleasure easier to access and maintain.
- Metaphors and frameworks: Using metaphors like the sexual garden and concepts such as the emotional floorplan, the book guides readers to understand and nurture their sexuality over time.
- Addressing barriers: It tackles emotional, cultural, and relational obstacles to sexual satisfaction, offering compassionate strategies for overcoming them.
2. Why should I read Come Together by Emily Nagoski?
- Debunks common myths: The book challenges widespread beliefs about “keeping the spark alive,” showing that frequency, novelty, or spontaneous desire are not the keys to great long-term sex.
- Science-based and inclusive: Nagoski combines peer-reviewed research with real stories, making the content accessible and relevant to all relationship types.
- Empowers authentic connection: Readers learn to center pleasure, understand emotional and contextual factors, and develop communication skills for sustaining erotic connection.
- Practical and compassionate: The book offers actionable advice for healing old hurts, navigating challenges, and embracing authentic sexual selves.
3. What are the key takeaways from Come Together by Emily Nagoski?
- Pleasure is the measure: Great sex is about how much you enjoy it, not how often you have it or how much desire you feel.
- Context and emotional states matter: Sexual response is shaped by both internal emotions and external circumstances, which can be navigated using tools like the emotional floorplan.
- Rejecting harmful imperatives: The book encourages readers to let go of cultural “shoulds” about sex and instead define their own norms and pleasures.
- Trust, admiration, and communication: Lasting sexual connection relies on emotional accessibility, mutual admiration, and open dialogue.
4. What are the best quotes from Come Together by Emily Nagoski and what do they mean?
- “Pleasure is the measure.” This quote encapsulates the book’s core message: sexual well-being is about enjoying the sex you have, not meeting external standards.
- “Sexuality is a garden.” Nagoski’s metaphor encourages readers to tend to their own and their shared sexual experiences with care and patience.
- “Blanket permission to reject the imperatives.” This phrase empowers readers to let go of societal pressures and define their own sexual norms.
- “Connected authenticity.” The book advocates for being true to oneself and one’s partner, beyond gendered expectations or cultural scripts.
5. How does Emily Nagoski define “pleasure is the measure” in Come Together?
- Pleasure over desire or frequency: The book centers sexual well-being on whether you like the sex you’re having, not how often or how much you want it.
- Sensation in context: Pleasure is not just a physical feeling but is shaped by emotional and situational context; the same act can feel different depending on circumstances.
- Responsive desire: Most people experience desire in response to pleasure (responsive desire), rather than spontaneously, which is normal and healthy.
- Reduces pressure and frustration: Focusing on pleasure rather than chasing desire or frequency helps couples enjoy sex more and feel less stressed.
6. What is the “emotional floorplan” in Come Together and how does it help couples?
- Mapping emotional states: The emotional floorplan identifies seven core emotional spaces—lust, play, seeking, care (pleasure-favorable) and panic/grief, fear, rage (pleasure-adverse).
- Navigating to connection: Recognizing which “room” you or your partner are in helps you find pathways to erotic connection, making transitions smoother.
- Observational distance: Developing the ability to observe emotions without judgment allows for calm, warm curiosity and better communication.
- Supporting each other: Partners can use the floorplan as a shared language to help each other move from adverse to favorable emotional spaces.
7. What is the “accelerator and brakes” model of sexual response in Come Together by Emily Nagoski?
- Dual control model: Sexual response is governed by an accelerator (noticing sex-related stimuli and sending “turn on” signals) and brakes (noticing threats or reasons not to be aroused and sending “turn off” signals).
- Balance is key: Arousal depends on the balance between accelerator activation and brakes being hit; both are equally important.
- Managing context: Reducing brakes (like stress or pressure) and increasing accelerator cues (like feeling admired or safe) is crucial for sexual well-being.
- Personalized approach: Each person’s accelerators and brakes are unique, so understanding and communicating about them is essential.
8. What are the “sex imperatives” in Come Together and how do they affect sexual connection?
- Cultural “shoulds” about sex: Sex imperatives include the coital imperative (penis-in-vagina sex as default), performance imperative (sex as a skill to master), and desire imperative (expectation of spontaneous desire).
- Creates pressure and shame: These imperatives set unrealistic standards, leading to frustration, shame, and conflict when not met.
- Permission to reject: Nagoski encourages readers to give themselves “blanket permission” to reject these imperatives and define their own sexual norms.
- Fosters authentic connection: Letting go of these pressures allows couples to co-create enjoyable, judgment-free sexual experiences.
9. What is the “gender mirage” in Come Together and how does Emily Nagoski suggest overcoming it?
- Definition of the mirage: The gender mirage is the illusion that gender is strictly binary, dictating rigid roles and behaviors for sexuality and relationships.
- Harmful consequences: It enforces roles like Givers (girls) who sacrifice and Winners (boys) who must be stoic, leading to disconnection and dissatisfaction.
- Connected authenticity: The book advocates for supporting each other’s true selves beyond gendered expectations, fostering admiration and trust.
- Collaborative dismantling: Partners are encouraged to work together to “mirage-proof” their relationship and embrace authentic connection.
10. How does Come Together by Emily Nagoski address healing old emotional hurts in sexual relationships?
- Old hurts as a “third thing”: Emotional wounds are treated as shared projects external to either partner, reducing blame and defensiveness.
- Third Thing Conversation: A structured dialogue helps partners name, observe, and separate feelings from past incidents, closing with admiration and trust.
- Imaginative healing: Exercises like the “What If?” Daydream allow partners to reimagine past hurts with ideal caregiving, activating healing responses.
- Fosters connection: These tools help couples heal together, making more of themselves available for pleasure and intimacy.
11. What practical advice does Come Together by Emily Nagoski offer for couples struggling with mismatched desire or sexual difficulties?
- Collaborate on context: Couples are encouraged to co-create a context that makes pleasure easier to access, focusing on shared goals rather than blame.
- Stages of change: Change happens gradually through stages—pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance—with partners possibly at different readiness levels.
- Curiosity and patience: Approach each other’s current state with curiosity and patience, aiming to move one step further in readiness rather than forcing change.
- Center pleasure, not pressure: Shift focus from frequency or spontaneous desire to pleasure and connection, using tools like scheduling, play, and savoring.
12. What is the “magic trick” described in Come Together by Emily Nagoski, and how does it relate to erotic connection?
- Definition of the magic trick: It’s a state of erotic wisdom and ecstasy where individual selves dissolve into a shared field of connection, often through moving together in rhythm and purpose.
- Accessing the magic: The experience involves embodiment, rhythmic entrainment, mutual consent, and voluntary participation, and can be practiced solo or with partners.
- Deepens connection: Experiencing the magic trick enhances body awareness, unity, and intimacy, enriching both sexual and nonsexual relationships.
- Bonus experience: While not required for sexual satisfaction, the magic trick is a powerful, enriching addition to a couple’s shared life.
Review Summary
Come Together receives mostly positive reviews, with readers praising its practical insights on maintaining sexual connections in long-term relationships. Many appreciate Nagoski's inclusive approach and emphasis on communication. The book is lauded for its accessible writing style and helpful exercises. Some readers found certain sections repetitive or too basic, while others felt it was transformative. Critics note that the book may be less relevant for single individuals or those on the asexual spectrum. Overall, reviewers recommend it for couples seeking to improve their intimate relationships.
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