Coping With Difficult People

1. Recognize and understand the seven types of Difficult People

Difficult People are responsible for absenteeism, significant losses in productivity, and lost customers or clients.

Identifying Difficult People is the first step in effectively coping with them. The seven main types are:

• Hostile-Aggressives: Including Sherman Tanks, Snipers, and Exploders
• Complainers: Those who gripe incessantly without taking action
• Silent and Unresponsive: Individuals who clam up when communication is needed
• Super-Agreeables: People who are overly nice but don't follow through
• Negativists: Those who always see the downside and deflate optimism
• Know-It-All Experts: Including Bulldozers (genuinely knowledgeable) and Balloons (pretenders)
• Indecisive Stallers: People who avoid making decisions

Understanding these types helps in recognizing patterns of behavior and selecting appropriate coping strategies. Each type has underlying motivations and fears that drive their difficult behavior, and recognizing these can lead to more empathetic and effective interactions.

2. Master the art of standing up to Hostile-Aggressives without fighting

The key to successfully coping with Hostile-Aggressives is to break their self-confirming cycle of passivity, blaming others, and powerlessness, and to insist that a problem-solving perspective be taken toward their complaints.

Standing up without escalating is crucial when dealing with Hostile-Aggressives. Key strategies include:

• Give them time to run down before responding
• Don't worry about being polite; interrupt if necessary
• Maintain eye contact and a calm demeanor
• State your own opinions and perceptions forcefully, but don't argue
• Be prepared for potential friendliness after standing up to them

The goal is to interrupt their pattern of aggression without engaging in a fight. This approach demonstrates that their usual tactics won't work while maintaining a professional and productive interaction. It's important to remember that standing up doesn't mean matching their aggression, but rather maintaining your ground and steering the conversation towards problem-solving.

3. Break the cycle of complaining by shifting to problem-solving

Complainers persist in their ritual behavior because complaining keeps them appearing blameless, innocent, and morally perfect, at least to themselves.

Redirect complaints to solutions by following these steps:

1. Listen attentively to acknowledge their feelings
2. Paraphrase their complaints to show understanding
3. Avoid agreeing or apologizing, which reinforces their behavior
4. Ask specific, problem-solving questions
5. Assign limited fact-finding tasks to engage them in solutions
6. Request complaints in writing for a more structured approach

By shifting the focus from blame to problem-solving, you can help Complainers break out of their cycle of negativity. This approach validates their concerns while encouraging them to take an active role in finding solutions. It's important to maintain patience and consistency, as changing ingrained complaining behavior may take time and repeated efforts.

4. Draw out Silent and Unresponsive individuals with strategic communication

To cope effectively you must find out more. The only way to do that is to get that Clam to talk.

Encourage communication with Silent and Unresponsive individuals through:

• Asking open-ended questions that can't be answered with a simple yes or no
• Using the "friendly, silent stare" to create expectation for a response
• Commenting on the silence itself: "I expected you to say something, and you're not. What does it mean?"
• Offering help to break the tension: "Can you talk about what makes it difficult to say what you're thinking?"
• Setting time limits for the conversation to create urgency

Persistence is key when dealing with Silent and Unresponsive types. If these methods don't work, be prepared to state your assumptions about their silence and proceed based on those assumptions. Remember, the goal is to create an environment where communication feels safe and necessary.

5. Navigate the charm of Super-Agreeables to uncover hidden truths

Super-Agreeables have strong needs to be liked and accepted.

Encourage honesty from Super-Agreeables by:

• Making it nonthreatening to be direct: "I really want to know what's on your mind because I value your friendship."
• Being personal when possible to build trust
• Preventing unrealistic commitments by offering realistic timelines
• Being prepared to compromise to reduce tension
• Listening carefully to their humor for hidden messages

Understanding that Super-Agreeables fear conflict and rejection is crucial. By creating a safe environment for honesty and showing that you value the relationship regardless of their answer, you can encourage more genuine interactions. Pay attention to subtle cues and indirect communication, as Super-Agreeables often struggle with direct confrontation or negative feedback.

6. Counter Negativists' pessimism with realistic optimism and action

Negativists are people who, while at times personally capable, have a deep-seated conviction that any task not in their own hands will fail.

Combat negativity with these strategies:

• Avoid getting drawn into their pessimistic worldview
• State your own realistic optimism about the situation
• Don't argue with their negative statements; instead, focus on alternatives
• Delay proposing solutions until the problem has been thoroughly discussed
• Set a "horror floor" by asking about worst-case scenarios
• Use their negativism constructively in contingency planning
• Be prepared to take action alone if necessary

Remember that Negativists often have valuable insights into potential problems. The key is to acknowledge these concerns while maintaining a focus on finding solutions and moving forward. By balancing their cautious approach with proactive problem-solving, you can create a more productive dynamic.

7. Cope with Know-It-All experts by leveraging their own knowledge

Bulldozers are highly productive people, thorough and accurate thinkers who make competent, careful plans and then carry them through, even when the obstacles are great.

Engage productively with Know-It-All experts by:

• Doing thorough homework before interactions
• Listening attentively and acknowledging their expertise
• Using questions rather than direct challenges to raise issues
• Presenting alternatives as "detours" to explore
• Asking extensional questions to move from concept to practice
• Avoiding becoming a counter-expert yourself
• As a last resort, letting them be the expert while maintaining your role

With Balloons (fake experts), focus on stating correct facts as your own perceptions and providing face-saving opportunities. The goal is to work with their need for respect and certainty while gently guiding them towards more productive interactions and decision-making processes.

8. Guide Indecisive Stallers towards resolution with structured approaches

Stallers are super-helpful, indecisive people who postpone decisions that might distress someone.

Facilitate decision-making with Stallers by:

• Surfacing underlying issues through direct, yet gentle questioning
• Making it easy for them to be candid about their reservations
• Helping them problem-solve by breaking down complex decisions
• Ranking alternatives to make choices less overwhelming
• Linking proposed solutions to values of quality and service
• Providing support after decisions are made to prevent backtracking
• Keeping control of action steps when possible

Understanding that Stallers fear hurting others or making mistakes is crucial. By providing a structured approach to decision-making and addressing their concerns directly, you can help them move past their indecision. Remember to be patient and supportive throughout the process, as rushing or pressuring Stallers often leads to more delay or avoidance.

9. Implement the six fundamental steps for effective coping

The basic tenet that underlies successful coping is a simple but often overlooked fact: the behavior of human beings is highly interactional.

Master the coping process by following these steps:

1. Assess the situation to determine if you're dealing with a truly Difficult Person
2. Stop wishing the Difficult Person were different
3. Get some distance between you and the difficult behavior
4. Formulate a coping plan based on the person's type and your understanding
5. Implement your strategy with appropriate timing and preparation
6. Monitor the progress of your coping and modify when necessary

These steps provide a structured approach to dealing with Difficult People. By following this process, you can move from feeling frustrated and helpless to taking proactive steps to improve the interaction. Remember that coping is an ongoing process that may require adjustments and persistence.

10. Adapt coping strategies to different thinking styles for better results

Different situations call for different ways of thinking and acting.

Tailor your approach based on thinking styles:

• Synthesist: Focus on integrating different perspectives
• Idealist: Appeal to common goals and higher values
• Pragmatist: Emphasize immediate, practical actions
• Analyst: Provide detailed, logical information
• Realist: Present concrete, tangible evidence and results

Understanding your own thinking style and that of the Difficult Person can enhance your coping strategies. By adapting your communication and problem-solving approaches to match or complement their thinking style, you can increase the effectiveness of your interactions. Remember that flexibility in your approach is key, as different situations may call for different thinking styles.

Last updated: January 23, 2025