Crying in H Mart

1. Food as a connection to Korean heritage and mother's love

Ever since my mom died, I cry in H Mart.

Emotional ties to food. H Mart, a Korean-American supermarket chain, becomes a sanctuary of memories and cultural connection for Michelle Zauner after her mother's death. The aisles filled with Korean ingredients, snacks, and prepared foods evoke powerful emotions and memories of her mother's cooking and their shared culinary experiences.

Cultural identity through cuisine. For Zauner, a half-Korean American, food represents a tangible link to her Korean heritage and a way to maintain her connection to her late mother. The specific tastes, smells, and rituals associated with Korean cooking become a source of comfort and a means of preserving her cultural identity in the absence of her strongest tie to Korea – her mother.

2. Grief and identity struggles after losing a Korean immigrant mother

"Why won't you include me?" I whined into my cell phone as if I were tattling on an older child for neglecting me. As if I hadn't been invited to a birthday party.

Confronting loss and exclusion. Zauner grapples with intense feelings of grief and abandonment as her mother battles terminal cancer. The process of losing her mother forces her to confront her own identity as a Korean-American and the fear of losing her connection to her Korean heritage.

Cultural and emotional isolation. As her mother's condition worsens, Zauner feels increasingly isolated, both culturally and emotionally. She struggles to communicate with her father and finds herself caught between two worlds – her American upbringing and her Korean heritage – without her mother to bridge the gap.

3. The complexities of caring for a terminally ill parent

I was not prepared for this. No one had prepared me for this. Why must I feel it? Why must I have this memory?

Overwhelming responsibility. Zauner describes the physical and emotional toll of caring for her terminally ill mother. She details the grueling tasks of administering medication, changing bedsheets, and providing emotional support while grappling with her own grief and fear.

Unpreparedness and guilt. The experience of caregiving exposes Zauner's feelings of inadequacy and guilt. She struggles with the weight of responsibility and the constant fear of not doing enough, while also dealing with the anticipatory grief of losing her mother.

4. Reconciling cultural differences and generational gaps

"It's just hair, Umma," I said. "It will grow back."

Bridging cultural divides. Zauner's relationship with her mother is marked by cultural differences and generational gaps. As a first-generation Korean-American, she often finds herself caught between her mother's traditional Korean values and her own American upbringing.

Evolving understanding. Throughout her mother's illness and after her death, Zauner gains a deeper appreciation for her mother's sacrifices and the cultural heritage she sought to preserve. This newfound understanding helps her reconcile the conflicts and misunderstandings that characterized their relationship in earlier years.

5. The power of cooking to heal and preserve memories

I decided to turn to a familiar friend—Maangchi, the YouTube vlogger who had taught me how to cook doenjang jjigae and jatjuk in my time of need.

Culinary therapy. After her mother's death, Zauner turns to cooking Korean dishes as a form of therapy and a way to maintain her connection to her mother and Korean heritage. She finds solace and healing in recreating the flavors and dishes that defined her childhood and relationship with her mother.

Preserving cultural legacy. Through cooking, Zauner not only preserves her mother's memory but also deepens her understanding of Korean culture. The process of learning and mastering Korean recipes becomes a way for her to honor her mother's legacy and strengthen her own cultural identity.

6. Navigating family dynamics and unresolved emotions

"You don't have to say it that way," he said, glancing back at the waitress. "Keep your voice down."

Strained relationships. Zauner's grief is complicated by difficult family dynamics, particularly with her father. Their struggle to communicate and support each other in the wake of her mother's death highlights the complexities of family relationships during times of loss.

Unresolved tensions. The process of grieving brings to the surface unresolved tensions and emotions within the family. Zauner grapples with feelings of anger, resentment, and misunderstanding, particularly in her relationship with her father, as they both struggle to cope with their loss.

7. Finding oneself through embracing cultural roots

I was smart and good, like a rabbit, not mischievous and conniving.

Cultural identity exploration. Zauner's journey of self-discovery is deeply intertwined with her exploration of her Korean heritage. Through food, language, and family connections, she begins to piece together a more complete understanding of herself and her cultural identity.

Embracing duality. As she delves deeper into her Korean roots, Zauner learns to embrace the duality of her identity as a Korean-American. She finds strength and comfort in the traditions and values passed down from her mother, while also reconciling them with her American upbringing.

8. The impact of loss on relationships and personal growth

We had fought and lost—and among all the natural, heartbreaking emotions we had expected to feel, it also felt strangely embarrassing.

Transformative grief. The experience of losing her mother profoundly impacts Zauner's relationships and sense of self. She navigates the complex emotions of grief, including guilt, anger, and a deep sense of loss, while also experiencing personal growth and self-discovery.

Redefining connections. In the aftermath of her mother's death, Zauner must redefine her relationships with her father, her husband, and her extended family. The process of grieving forces her to confront difficult truths about these relationships and work towards healing and understanding.

9. Rediscovering a mother's legacy through Korean cuisine

Every dish I cooked exhumed a memory. Every scent and taste brought me back for a moment to an unravaged home.

Culinary time travel. Through cooking Korean dishes, Zauner finds a way to reconnect with her mother and relive cherished memories. The process of preparing and eating these foods becomes a form of time travel, allowing her to momentarily return to happier times with her mother.

Cultural inheritance. As Zauner masters Korean cooking techniques and recipes, she realizes that she is carrying on her mother's cultural legacy. This culinary journey becomes a way for her to honor her mother's memory and ensure that her Korean heritage continues to play a significant role in her life.

Last updated: October 24, 2024