Don't Call It Love

1. Sex Addiction: More Than Just Excess

We are surrounded by the signs of sex addiction yet still resist its reality.

Recognizing the signs. Sex addiction is a life-threatening obsession with sex, characterized by a pattern of out-of-control behavior despite severe consequences. Unlike occasional sexual excess or bad judgment, addicts are unable to stop, persistently pursuing self-destructive or high-risk activities. They spend inordinate amounts of time obtaining, being sexual, or recovering from sexual experiences, often neglecting important life areas.

Beyond compulsion. While terms like "compulsive" or "hypersexual" are used, the resistance to calling it an "addiction" stems from sex's central, powerful, and often frightening role in our lives. Sex addicts use obsession and fantasy as a primary coping strategy, becoming dependent on sex to regulate their emotional state. This isn't just about behavior; it's a deep-seated mechanism for survival, often involving naturally occurring brain chemicals like endorphins and PEA, similar to drug dependencies.

Increasing intensity. A classic trait is the need for increasing amounts or intensity of sexual experience, as the current level is no longer sufficient for emotional relief. This escalation often involves severe mood changes around sexual activity, driven by shame and self-hatred. Despite ongoing desires or efforts to limit behavior, attempts to control the addiction often fuel it further, leading to cycles of rigid control followed by binging.

2. The Devastating Costs of Addiction

When the costs become so great that the outlines of unmanageable behavior are unmistakable, the addict truly knows his or her powerlessness.

Unmanageable lives. Sex addiction renders lives unmanageable, causing severe consequences across all domains. Addicts face near-death experiences, risk lethal diseases like AIDS, and suffer profound relationship damage. Many lose partners (40%), experience severe marital problems (70%), and some lose rights to their children (13%).

Widespread destruction. The financial toll is significant (58%), impacting careers (27% lost career choice, 79% lost productivity, 11% demoted). Physical harm is common (59% exhaustion, 38% injury, 65% risked STDs). Legal issues arise (58% risked arrest, 19% arrested). The emotional costs are immense:

• Loss of self-esteem (97%)
• Guilt and shame (96%)
• Isolation and loneliness (94%)
• Hopelessness and despair (91%)
• Acting against values (90%)

The shame dynamic. Shame is both a cause and consequence, resting on the belief "Somehow I am not measuring up." This starts early and deepens with addiction. The unmanageability of their lives creates profound despair, with 72% contemplating suicide and 17% attempting it. The most painful losses relate to relationships, especially with children.

3. Addiction's Roots in Childhood Pain and Dysfunction

Simply stated, the more abused you are as a child, the more addictions you are likely to have as an adult.

Legacy of abuse. Sex addiction is deeply connected to childhood abuse (sexual, physical, emotional). Our study found 81% of addicts reported sexual abuse, 72% physical, and 97% emotional. This far exceeds general population rates. Abuse often starts early (average age 10 for boys, 9 for girls) and compulsive behaviors often begin concurrently or shortly after.

Dysfunctional families. Addicts often come from rigid (78%) and disengaged (87%) families, where love is conditional, feelings are suppressed, and boundaries are poor. This creates shame-based personalities (self-doubting, desperate for approval, afraid of discovery) vulnerable to addiction. The family environment, culture, neurochemistry, and abuse interact in a complex ecology leading to addiction.

Posttraumatic stress. Childhood trauma leads to posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), characterized by dissociation, flashbacks, confusion, anxiety, and exaggerated distrust. Addiction becomes a maladaptive coping mechanism to numb pain, reenact trauma, or fill emotional voids. The severity of childhood abuse is a strong predictor of the number of addictions in adulthood.

4. Partners Mirror the Addiction

The most startling part of talking to the partners of sex addicts was that coaddicts are mirror images of the addicts themselves.

Shared origins. Coaddicts (spouses/partners of sex addicts) share striking similarities with addicts. They come from the same types of rigid, disengaged, addiction-prone families and have similar histories of childhood abuse and PTSD. Many coaddicts have other addictions themselves (eating disorders, chemical dependency, even sex addiction).

Obsession with the addict. Coaddiction is an obsessive illness where reaction to the addiction causes loss of self. Coaddicts become consumed with the addict's behavior, playing roles like caretaker, detective, or superorganizer. They believe they can control the addict, leading to self-destructive behaviors they can't stop. This obsession is often a way to avoid their own pain and issues.

Sexual reactivity. Coaddicts exhibit volatile sexual responses to the addict's behavior. Common reactions include:

• Having affairs (21%)
• Becoming hypersexual for the addict (37%)
• Closing down sexually (74%)
• Using sexual anorexia to control the addict

This sexual reactivity, rooted in shame and family dysfunction, makes sexuality a hostage in the relationship. Coaddicts often believe sex is the most important sign of love, making the addict's acting out feel like abandonment.

5. Recovery Begins with Surrender

For addicts, the theme of invulnerability postpones the decision to get help.

Breaking the illusion. Addicts often see themselves as "Masters of the Universe," unique and capable of handling anything, including their addiction. This pride and feeling of invulnerability prevent them from seeking help, despite mounting consequences. The "developing stage" of recovery involves acknowledging the problem but continuing in the addiction, often seeking help but discontinuing it.

The crisis point. Recovery truly begins in the "crisis/decision stage," triggered by overwhelming events like arrest, public exposure, or severe personal loss. This forces a commitment to change, breaking through denial. This stage can be sudden or take up to three months, marking the start of active recovery efforts.

Shock and numbness. The initial "shock stage" (first 8 months) is marked by emotional numbness, disorientation, and efforts to control damage. Withdrawal symptoms (fatigue, insomnia, anxiety, body aches) are common. Despite turmoil, addicts often feel relief and a sense of belonging in support groups, realizing they are not alone and recovery is possible.

6. The Painful Journey of Early Recovery

Perhaps the biggest struggle during this period is for addicts to be honest with themselves about the extent and nature of their addiction.

Facing the truth. Early recovery requires confronting the full reality of the addiction, including its extent, nature, and the pain it caused. This honesty is difficult due to shame and denial. Addicts often bargain or minimize their behavior initially.

Grief and loss. The "grief stage" (months 4-8 of year 1) involves intense sadness and pain over losses caused by addiction (relationships, career, health) and the loss of the addiction itself as a coping mechanism. This period is highly stressful and associated with increased health problems and slips. Embracing this pain is crucial for transformation.

Avoiding extremes. Addicts often swing between "acting out" (chaos, willfulness) and "acting in" (rigidity, control, self-denial). Recovery requires avoiding both extremes, working towards a balanced, open system. This involves:

• Checking in with support network
• Identifying and meeting needs
• Making balance a goal
• Being gentle with oneself
• Working on old hurts

7. Rebuilding Life and Relationships

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

The repair stage. Years two and three are a period of significant rebuilding. Addicts achieve measurable improvements in finances, coping skills, career, friendships, spirituality, and self-image. This is fueled by stopping acting out and gaining energy for personal work.

Building intimacy. A core task is developing healthy relationships. Twelve step groups serve as a laboratory for learning intimacy skills:

• Initiative: Reaching out, expressing needs/wants
• Presence: Being emotionally available, listening
• Completion: Finishing transactions, acknowledging others
• Vulnerability: Sharing thoughts/feelings, accepting feedback
• Nurturing: Caring for self and others
• Honesty: Claiming feelings, admitting flaws

Celibacy as renewal. A period of celibacy (cessation of all sexual activity) is often crucial for reclaiming sexual feelings and healing. It provides a time-out to focus on basics, process trauma, and build a new foundation for healthy sexuality. Celibacy helps addicts access parts of their sexual selves previously unavailable due to addiction.

8. Preventing Relapse is a Lifelong Task

Relapses begin with choices that seem irrelevant at the time.

Cunning and baffling. Addiction is "cunning and baffling," leading addicts to do what they don't want to do. Relapse prevention is crucial, especially for sex addiction, where triggers are pervasive. It involves identifying "apparently irrelevant decisions" that lead to slips.

Relapse strategies. Preventing relapse requires:

• Identifying triggers (behaviors, rituals, conditions, people)
• Reducing stress through healthy coping mechanisms (support, exercise, reflection)
• Building specific strategies for when slips occur (exit plans, damage control)

Triggers and stress. Overwork, depletion, emotional overwhelm, old haunts, and family interactions can trigger addictive responses. Stress-resistant people actively seek solutions, are committed to goals, make healthy choices, and seek support.

Resisting cravings. Strategies include developing spiritual practices, decoding feelings (horniness often equals loneliness), avoiding triggers, forgiving slips, nurturing oneself, sharing cravings, finding alternative passions, and acknowledging choices.

9. Spirituality Fuels Lasting Recovery

To overcome the complex biological, family, and social factors in addiction requires a level of surrender so complete that the only means of achieving and sustaining it are spiritual.

Beyond science. While science explains addiction's mechanisms, recovery requires a spiritual dimension. This isn't necessarily about religion, but a "search for completeness within ourselves... and a connectivity with others." It's a gradual process, often starting with simple gratitude or acknowledging a Higher Power.

Spiritual growth. Developing a spiritual life involves:

• Using the Twelve Steps as a guide
• Finding mentors who share spiritual experiences
• Separating spirituality from negative religious baggage
• Connecting with nature and the world
• Making daily efforts through rituals (prayer, meditation, journaling)
• Embracing surrender and letting go of control
• Healing the sexual/spiritual split caused by shame

Alternative highs. Spiritual connection provides a powerful "alternative high," filling the void left by addiction. This growth releases creative energy and fosters a sense of purpose and meaning.

10. Healing the Wounds of the Past

Truly then, the demons who have pursued them can become the sources of grace and wisdom.

Facing family history. Recovery requires confronting the family of origin, where addictive patterns and shame originated. This involves adding to the family story (identifying other addicts), understanding the system (roles, rules, shame), setting boundaries, and finishing unresolved transactions.

Abuse healing. Healing childhood abuse is crucial. Stages include denial, fear, anger, consciousness, and acceptance. Victims move from repression and maladaptive responses to reclaiming memories and integrating pain. This process is often intertwined with family work.

Taking responsibility. Like the Greek hero Orestes, addicts must take responsibility for their own behavior, including any abusive actions towards others. Acknowledging personal participation in the cycle of abuse is vital for breaking free.

Transformation. By facing the truth about themselves and their families, addicts can transform the pain and shame of the past into wisdom and compassion. This allows them to make peace with their history and build healthy relationships.

11. Healthy Sexuality is a Gift of Recovery

Sex is about meaning, and spirituality is about meaning.

Beyond dysfunction. Recovery allows addicts to develop healthy sexuality, moving beyond shame, fear, and exploitation. This involves integrating eight dimensions:

• Nurturing: Caring for self and others, accepting care
• Sensuality: Awareness of senses, slowing down
• Sense of Self: Knowing and expressing desires, setting boundaries
• Relationship Sexuality: Having non-erotic friendships with both sexes
• Partner Sexuality: Developing erotic intimacy with a partner
• Nongenital Sexuality: Exploring touch, caressing, kissing
• Genital Sexuality: Abandoning self to passion, learning new forms
• Spiritual Sexuality: Connecting sex with meaning and spirituality

A new intensity. Healthy sexuality is not less interesting, but gains a new intensity rooted in intimacy, presence, and awareness. It's a process of reclaiming one's sexual core and transforming old destructive energy.

Overcoming traps. Recovering individuals must navigate sexual traps like sexualized rage, conflict, needs, shame, exploitation, double binds, self-destruction, gender shame, and perfectionism. These traps often originate in shame-based families.

Enhancing sexuality. Strategies include making a sexual leap of faith (trusting change), sustaining sex with intimacy, talking openly, overcoming shame through affirmation, respecting boundaries, paying attention to feelings, seeing sex as legitimate joy, and taking care of one's body.

Last updated: June 9, 2025