Don't Say Um

1. Stop Saying "Don't": Focus on How-To

I’m not going to ask you to don’t do anything again.

Avoid thought suppression. Telling yourself "Don't say um," "Don't be nervous," or "Don't fidget" doesn't work; it activates thought suppression, making you focus more on the very thing you want to avoid. This is like telling a bicyclist "Don't hit that rock!" – they become more likely to hit it. Bad communication habits often stem from a lack of know-how, not a lack of awareness.

Focus on actionable steps. Instead of vague, negative commands, concentrate on specific, physical actions you can do. This shifts your attention from self-criticism and avoidance to positive, controllable behaviors. The goal is to replace ineffective "don'ts" with empowering "how-tos" that build new habits.

Communication is a skill. Like any skill, speaking can be learned, practiced, and improved. This book provides concrete, repeatable drills to help you master the how of effective communication, enabling you to perform better regardless of how you feel.

2. Delivery Trumps Content: Start There

...delivery is how you say it—not only because it matters more (which it does), but also because it is the fastest, most innovative, and most memorable way to improve the content too.

How matters more. While content (what you say) is important, delivery (how you say it – eye contact, tone, gestures) has a greater impact on how your message is received. Focusing on delivery is the quickest way to improve your overall communication effectiveness.

Virtuous Cycle. Improving delivery triggers a positive feedback loop:

• Better delivery (e.g., pausing) gives your brain time and oxygen to think of smarter words (content).
• Smarter words boost confidence.
• Increased confidence makes it easier to maintain eye contact.
• Eye contact allows you to gauge audience reaction and adjust content.
• Adjusting content makes you more intentional, requiring more breath and variety in delivery.

Physical action first. You can unlock this cycle by starting with physical delivery techniques, even if you don't feel confident or are unprepared on content. Trying to start with content mastery is a trap, as you'll inevitably need to speak with less-than-ideal preparation.

3. Great Communication is Other-Focused

Great communication is you when you are at your most other-focused.

Focus on the listener. Your communication is most effective when your attention is genuinely focused on helping your audience understand and receive your message, rather than on yourself or your performance. Think about how you communicate when helping a friend in crisis – your delivery naturally becomes clear, expressive, and attentive.

Use more of yourself. When you are other-focused, you instinctively use more of your communication instrument – more vocal variety, more gestures, more eye contact, more breath. Children are often exceptional communicators because they use their whole selves to get their point across.

Shift from self-consciousness. Many common communication struggles, like not knowing what to do with your hands or feeling awkward with eye contact, stem from being overly focused on yourself instead of the audience. By shifting your focus outward, these issues often resolve naturally.

4. Your Voice is Your Body: Communication is Physical

Your voice is your body.

Physical art form. Spoken communication is a highly physical activity, akin to playing a musical instrument or engaging in a sport. Sound is created by air flowing over vocal cords and amplified by the body's resonant chambers. How you use your physical structure directly impacts the sound you make.

Embodied cognition. Learning and thinking happen not just in your brain, but also through your body. Physical practice of communication techniques builds muscle memory, making skills stick and allowing you to perform effectively even when your mind is distracted by nerves or self-doubt.

Kinesthetic drills. This book provides hands-on, physical exercises designed to circumvent mental obstacles and directly train your body for better communication. Examples include:

• Using a cork to improve enunciation
• Walking fingers or feet to enhance articulation
• Stacking blocks to build conciseness and pausing habits

These drills leverage your body's natural learning mechanisms to create lasting change.

5. Master Conciseness and Articulation

Linguistic precision simply means being in charge of the words you are choosing.

Talk less, say more. Conciseness is essential in an attention-scarce world. Rambling often results from a lack of structure and pausing, not a lack of awareness. The Lego drill (or paper/sticky note variations) forces you to pause between thoughts, distilling your ideas and increasing brevity.

Choose your words. Articulation is about linguistic precision – intentionally selecting the words you want to say, rather than just letting words tumble out. Filler language (um, like, y'know) is a symptom of a lack of precision, not the problem itself.

Physical precision. The Finger Walking or Tape Walking drills use physical movement to force deliberate word choice, helping you become more precise even within a single thought. By focusing on the physical act of walking your ideas, you reduce filler and increase intentionality.

6. Unlock Vocal Variety and Enunciation

Enunciation gives you the capability to percussively communicate all manner of complex requests and then get those requests fulfilled!

Speak expressively. Vocal variety, the dynamic use of Pace, Pitch, Pause, Power, and Placement (the Five Ps), is crucial for engaging your audience and conveying meaning. Monotone speaking fights your audience's natural need for novelty.

Physical expressiveness. The Silent Storytelling drill, where you communicate without sound using exaggerated facial expressions, enunciation, and gestures, is a powerful way to unlock vocal variety. By increasing physical expressiveness, you automatically increase vocal expressiveness because your voice is your body.

Speak clearly. Enunciation is the clear and powerful pronunciation of words. It ensures you are understood and adds impact. The Cork/Impediment drill uses resistance training (like putting a cork between your teeth) to strengthen your articulators (lips, tongue, jaw), improving clarity and often slowing down fast talkers.

7. Embrace Physical Presence: Posture, Stance, and Gestures

When actors are in their bodies, they’re more responsive to their instincts, more believable as a character, and even less likely to get hurt.

Be in your body. Physical presence involves being fully embodied and aware of how you use your body (posture), how you stand (stance), and how you use your hands (gestures). This enhances your communication and reduces self-consciousness.

Reclaim natural posture. Modern habits like excessive sitting corrupt natural posture ("use"). Instead of trying to "sit up straight," focus on being "as tall as you are" by visualizing your head as a helium balloon and feet as tree roots. Squatting helps reclaim natural alignment. Use reminders like balancing a book or wearing a paper crown.

Master stillness and movement. Stance involves being grounded and comfortable standing still. Drills like Page Standing or Flour Standing enforce stillness. Movement should be intentional, not random fidgeting. The rule is: move as much/far/often as you want, if it's intentional.

Gesture with freedom. Gestures come from a deep human need to communicate, not from arbitrary rules about "safe zones." The Silent Storytelling and Ball Throwing drills unleash natural gestural freedom. Break habits like clasping hands using the Puffer Fish or exercise band drill, which forces your hands open.

8. Fuel Your Voice with Breath

Your breath is the fuel with which you can create sound and then words and then ideas.

Air is essential. Breath is the fundamental fuel for your voice and enables the effective use of the Five Ps of Vocal Variety. Speaking without sufficient breath leads to vocal fry, quiver, and an inner sense of panic.

Diaphragmatic breathing. Learn to breathe deeply using your diaphragm, feeling your back side ribs expand. This provides ample air support. You already know how to do this instinctively (e.g., shouting "Stop!").

Put air into action. The goal is not just to breathe, but to use that air to speak. Practice speaking at the "top of the breath" – starting sound when your lungs are full. Drills like Play Your Horn Hand for Breath, Blow Up a Balloon, or even pretending to Drag on a Cigarette help you experience and utilize your full lung capacity for speaking.

9. Warm Up Your Communication Instrument

Warming up gets my body and voice ready to do that.

Prepare effectively. Effective preparation involves more than just writing content. It requires crafting content that sounds natural when spoken, practicing it out loud, and physically warming up your communication instrument.

Out Loud Drafting. Instead of writing first, draft your ideas by speaking them out loud. This helps create conversational content and aids memorization.

Practice out loud. Simply reading your notes silently is insufficient. You must practice speaking your content out loud to build muscle memory and identify awkward phrasing.

Physical warm-up. Like athletes, speakers benefit from warming up their bodies and voices. This primes your instrument for performance and helps dispel physical manifestations of nerves. Warm-ups include:

• Body stretches (wide/small, reaching)
• Face exercises (massage, fly on face, fishy lips)
• Breath work (yawning)
• Articulator drills (tongue twisters)

Virtual communication provides an ideal, private space to practice these warm-ups.

10. Navigate Nerves by Finding a Focus

The thing that will allow you to navigate your nerves is finding concrete, actionable, and useful things to focus on in place of obsessing about them—essentially, gaining distance via useful distraction.

Stop battling nerves. Trying to eliminate nerves is counterproductive thought suppression. Instead, aim to gain distance from them through useful distraction. Your inner critic is the real bully; don't engage it.

Find a physical focus. Identify a specific, physical action from the book's drills that you can concentrate on. This focus must be:

• **Physical
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Last updated: August 25, 2025