Drop the Ball

1. Recognize the unrealistic expectation to "do it all" and let go

"I used to be the queen of domesticity, a Good Housekeeping cover model in the making. I was also an ambitious professional. These two identities had always been on a collision course."

The superwoman myth is unsustainable. Many women feel pressured to excel in their careers while simultaneously managing all aspects of home life perfectly. This expectation is rooted in societal norms, childhood conditioning, and media portrayals of ideal women who seemingly "have it all." However, this pursuit often leads to burnout, guilt, and resentment.

Letting go is liberating. Recognizing that it's impossible to do everything flawlessly is the first step towards a more balanced and fulfilling life. This doesn't mean abandoning responsibilities, but rather:

• Prioritizing what truly matters
• Accepting that some tasks can be done imperfectly or not at all
• Allowing others to contribute and share the load
• Focusing energy on high-impact activities that align with personal and professional goals

2. Identify what truly matters most to you and focus on your highest impact

"I envisioned a world in which Kojo and I were learning and growing from one another and fully supporting each other in our pursuits, where my son was in touch with his humanity and respected the humanity of others, and where women's talents and voices are fully harnessed for the benefit of all of us."

Clarity of purpose is essential. Take time to reflect on your core values, long-term goals, and what brings you genuine fulfillment. This clarity will guide your decision-making and help you allocate your time and energy more effectively.

Leverage your strengths. Once you've identified what matters most, focus on activities where you can make the highest impact:

• Assess your unique skills and talents
• Identify tasks that only you can do or where you add the most value
• Delegate or eliminate activities that don't align with your priorities
• Regularly reassess and adjust your focus as circumstances change

3. Create a Management Excel List (MEL) to divide household responsibilities

"Over time, MEL would prove to be our most useful tool for negotiating and tracking our household responsibilities."

Transparency and structure are key. The Management Excel List (MEL) is a practical tool for couples to clearly define and divide household tasks. This approach:

• Makes invisible labor visible
• Facilitates open discussions about responsibilities
• Allows for flexibility and renegotiation as circumstances change
• Reduces resentment and misunderstandings

Implement MEL effectively:

1. List all household tasks and responsibilities
2. Assign tasks based on skills, interests, and availability
3. Include a "No One" column for tasks that can be dropped or outsourced
4. Regularly review and adjust the list together

4. Delegate tasks with joy and practice patience when others take over

"Delegating with Joy is asking someone for help with a higher purpose than the task itself."

Reframe delegation positively. Instead of viewing it as offloading burdens, see delegation as an opportunity for others to contribute and grow. When delegating:

• Explain the broader context and importance of the task
• Express confidence in the person's abilities
• Show gratitude for their help

Patience is crucial. When others take on new responsibilities, they may not do things exactly as you would. Remember:

• Different doesn't mean wrong
• Allow for a learning curve and potential mistakes
• Resist the urge to micromanage or take back control
• Focus on the end result rather than the specific process

5. Cultivate an ecosystem of support both at home and work

"It takes an ecosystem to propel a career."

Build a diverse support network. Your ecosystem should include:

• Family Members: Biological or chosen family who are deeply invested in your success
• Neighbors: Local connections who can provide practical support
• Nonpaid Working Moms: Stay-at-home parents who can offer flexibility and child-care support
• Babysitters: Reliable paid caregivers
• Specialists: Experts in various fields who can provide advice and shortcuts

Nurture professional relationships. At work, cultivate:

• Sage Mentors: Experienced advisors who offer wisdom and guidance
• Peer Mentors: Colleagues at similar career stages for mutual support
• Sponsors: Influential advocates who can champion your advancement
• Promoters: Casual connections who can provide quick assistance or introductions
• Mentees: Those you guide, who also keep you relevant and inspired

6. Embrace imperfection and redefine success on your own terms

"Loving ourselves as imperfect is the prerequisite to Dropping the Ball."

Perfection is an illusion. Striving for perfection in all areas of life is not only unrealistic but also harmful to our well-being and relationships. Instead:

• Acknowledge that mistakes and imperfections are human
• Focus on progress and growth rather than flawless execution
• Celebrate small victories and learn from setbacks

Define personal success. Rather than adhering to societal expectations or comparing yourself to others:

• Identify what truly matters to you and your family
• Set realistic goals that align with your values
• Measure success by your own standards, not external metrics
• Be willing to adjust your definition of success as life circumstances change

7. Prioritize self-care through exercise, networking, visibility, and sleep

"The Four Go-Tos are most effective when integrated into our daily routines."

Invest in your well-being. The Four Go-Tos are essential practices for professional success and personal fulfillment:

1. Go to Exercise:

   • Builds stamina and reduces stress
   • Improves cognitive function and decision-making

2. Go to Lunch (or other networking opportunities):

   • Cultivates professional relationships
   • Creates opportunities for collaboration and advancement

3. Go to Events:

   • Raises your visibility and public profile
   • Provides platforms to share your expertise and ideas

4. Go to Sleep:

   • Enhances creativity and problem-solving abilities
   • Improves overall health and emotional resilience

Prioritize these activities by scheduling them regularly and treating them as non-negotiable commitments to yourself.

8. Challenge societal stereotypes about gender roles at home and work

"Until the contributions that women make at work are seen as just as valuable as the contributions women make at home, the contributions that men make at home will never be considered as valuable as the contributions men make at work."

Recognize harmful stereotypes. Society often portrays men as incompetent in domestic matters and women as naturally suited for caregiving. These stereotypes limit both genders and perpetuate unequal division of labor.

Actively challenge assumptions:

• Question gendered expectations in your own home and workplace
• Encourage men's participation in domestic tasks and child-rearing
• Highlight examples of men who are competent caregivers
• Advocate for workplace policies that support all parents, regardless of gender
• Model equitable partnerships to children and others in your community

9. Foster an All-In Partnership with your spouse for mutual success

"All-In Partnership is the most practical solution to end women's dizzying, exhausting life-go-rounds."

Redefine partnership. An All-In Partnership means both partners are fully engaged in managing career and home responsibilities. This approach:

• Allows both individuals to pursue professional goals
• Distributes domestic labor more equitably
• Reduces resentment and increases mutual support
• Models healthy relationships for children

Build an All-In Partnership:

1. Communicate openly about goals and expectations
2. Recognize and value each other's contributions, both at work and home
3. Be willing to adapt and learn new skills
4. Support each other's career aspirations and personal growth
5. Regularly reassess and adjust your arrangement as needed

10. Lead the change by speaking honestly about choices and compromises

"What would happen if we all started speaking honestly and openly about our priorities and the choices we make about how to spend our time?"

Break the silence. Many women feel pressure to maintain the illusion of effortlessly balancing career and family. By being honest about our struggles and choices, we can:

• Reduce feelings of isolation and inadequacy
• Challenge unrealistic societal expectations
• Inspire others to seek more balanced and fulfilling lives
• Encourage workplace and policy changes that support working families

Start conversations:

• Share your own experiences of dropping the ball and delegating
• Discuss the trade-offs and compromises you've made
• Highlight the importance of support systems and partnerships
• Encourage others to define success on their own terms
• Advocate for more realistic portrayals of working parents in media and culture

Last updated: October 26, 2024