Embracing Our Selves

1. Embrace the psychology of selves to understand relationships

Each of us has a surprising array of disowned selves. Learning about these selves is an important part of personal growth.

Multiple selves. We are composed of many different "selves" or subpersonalities, each with its own perspective and needs. Our primary selves are those we identify with most strongly, while disowned selves are those we reject or suppress. Understanding this inner complexity is crucial for personal growth and healthy relationships.

Impact on relationships. Our various selves interact with those of our partners, creating complex dynamics. For example, a "responsible self" might clash with a partner's "free spirit self." Recognizing these interactions can help us navigate conflicts and understand our attractions to others who may embody our disowned selves.

• Primary selves: e.g., perfectionist, pleaser, critic, pusher
• Disowned selves: often opposite qualities to our primary selves
• Awareness of these selves leads to more conscious relationships

2. Recognize vulnerability as the key to intimacy

It is one's vulnerability that makes intimacy in relationship possible, and, conversely, it is this same vulnerability and apparent lack of power that the primary selves most fear in relationship.

Vulnerability's role. True intimacy requires the willingness to be vulnerable with our partners. This means sharing our fears, insecurities, and deepest feelings. However, our primary selves often resist this vulnerability, seeing it as a weakness or threat.

Balancing act. The challenge is to find a balance between vulnerability and strength. An "aware ego" can manage this balance, allowing us to be open and vulnerable while still maintaining healthy boundaries. This creates the possibility for deep, authentic connections in our relationships.

• Benefits of vulnerability: deeper intimacy, stronger emotional bonds
• Risks of avoiding vulnerability: shallow relationships, lack of true connection
• Developing an "aware ego" to manage vulnerability wisely

3. Falling in love activates disowned selves

The gift of relationship is the gift of these selves. A truly committed relationship is a journey of exploration into the very depths of one's own being.

Transformation through love. When we fall in love, we often access parts of ourselves that have been long dormant or disowned. This can feel magical and transformative, as we suddenly see the world and ourselves in new ways.

Integration opportunity. This activation of disowned selves presents an opportunity for personal growth and integration. By recognizing and embracing these newly awakened aspects of ourselves, we can become more whole and authentic individuals.

• Examples of awakened selves: playfulness, sensuality, creativity
• Challenges: maintaining these new aspects as the relationship progresses
• Goal: integrating these selves into our ongoing identity and relationship

4. Understand bonding patterns to enhance relationships

Bonding patterns are perfectly normal processes that come and go constantly in all relationships. When they are operating in a positive manner, they tend not to be a problem.

Nature of bonding patterns. Bonding patterns are unconscious ways we interact with our partners, often based on parent-child dynamics from our past. These can be positive or negative, but understanding them is key to relationship growth.

Breaking negative patterns. Recognizing negative bonding patterns allows us to consciously change them. This involves developing awareness, communicating openly, and working together to create healthier interactions.

• Common bonding patterns: critical parent/rebellious child, nurturing parent/needy child
• Signs of negative bonding: recurring conflicts, feeling stuck or misunderstood
• Steps to change: awareness, communication, conscious effort to interact differently

5. Navigate attractions and affairs consciously

Attractions are a natural part of our everyday existence. What we do with them and how we handle them is the real issue.

Normalizing attractions. It's natural to feel attracted to others, even when in a committed relationship. The key is how we handle these feelings consciously and ethically.

Growth opportunities. Attractions and even affairs can be viewed as opportunities for personal and relationship growth. They often point to unmet needs or disowned selves that require attention.

• Healthy ways to handle attractions: open communication, self-reflection
• Using attractions as mirrors: what do they reveal about our needs or disowned selves?
• Affair recovery: possibility for deeper intimacy if handled with awareness and compassion

6. Enhance relationships through communication and shared experiences

Personal sharing is a prerequisite for a relationship that is dedicated to growth and the evolution of consciousness.

Open communication. Sharing thoughts, feelings, and experiences openly is crucial for relationship growth. This includes discussing difficult topics and being willing to be vulnerable.

Shared activities. Engaging in meaningful shared experiences can deepen bonds and create new dimensions in the relationship. This might include spiritual practices, creative pursuits, or simply spending quality time together.

• Communication techniques: active listening, "I" statements, expressing needs clearly
• Shared experiences: meditation, creative visualization, travel to sacred places
• Regular check-ins: setting aside time to connect and discuss the relationship

7. Incorporate spirituality and self-containment in relationships

We feel that the inclusion of some kind of ritual or spiritual practice is another important aspect of relationship.

Spiritual dimension. Incorporating spiritual practices or rituals can add depth and meaning to a relationship. This doesn't necessarily mean traditional religion, but any practices that connect partners to something greater than themselves.

Self-containment. While intimacy is crucial, it's also important for each partner to maintain a sense of self and personal responsibility. This balance of connection and independence creates a healthier, more sustainable relationship.

• Spiritual practices: meditation, prayer, nature connection, meaningful rituals
• Self-containment: maintaining individual interests, friendships, and personal growth
• Balance: supporting each other while taking responsibility for one's own well-being

Last updated: November 9, 2024