Emotional Manipulation Tactics

1. Covert emotional manipulation erodes self-worth and trust

"Covert emotional manipulation is sneaky and dangerous. It systematically wears away at a person's sense of self-worth, self-confidence, self-concept and personal value."

Subtle control tactics. Emotional manipulators employ various underhanded methods to change another person's thinking, behavior, and perceptions. Their goal is to gain power and control in relationships, often at the expense of the victim. These tactics are difficult to recognize because they contradict our basic assumptions about human behavior.

Lasting psychological damage. The effects of emotional manipulation can be more severe and long-lasting than physical abuse. Victims often experience:

• Diminished self-esteem
• Loss of trust in their own judgment
• Confusion about their perceptions of reality
• Difficulty maintaining healthy boundaries
• Feelings of anxiety, guilt, and shame

Imbalanced relationships. Manipulative relationships are inherently one-sided, serving only to advance the manipulator's agenda. Victims may feel psychologically trapped, unable to assert their own needs or leave the relationship.

2. Love bombing is an initial tactic to hook victims

"Love Bombing is a tactic designed to influence a person by a superfluous show of affection and attention."

Overwhelming affection. Love bombing involves showering a person with excessive displays of adoration, flattery, gifts, and attention early in a relationship. This tactic aims to quickly create a strong emotional bond and feelings of indebtedness in the victim. Common love bombing behaviors include:

• Constant communication (texts, calls, etc.)
• Lavish gifts and gestures
• Premature declarations of love
• Public displays of affection

Creating dependency. The intense positive reinforcement makes the victim feel special and cherished. However, this behavior is ultimately manipulative, designed to:

• Lower the victim's defenses
• Create an idealized image of the relationship
• Establish a pattern of dependency on the manipulator's approval

Red flags. While it may feel intoxicating at first, love bombing is not a sign of genuine affection. Be wary of anyone who tries to rush intimacy or seems too good to be true in the early stages of a relationship.

3. Traumatic bonding creates dependency through intermittent reinforcement

"This tactic, also known as intermittent reinforcement, plays with the victim's feeling. One minute, there is an excessive declaration of love, then the next one will take a while coming."

Hot and cold behavior. After the initial love bombing phase, manipulators begin to provide affection and attention intermittently. This creates a powerful emotional rollercoaster for the victim, who becomes anxious and uncertain about the relationship status.

Psychological impact. Traumatic bonding occurs through this cycle of abuse and reconciliation. The victim:

• Develops a strong attachment to the manipulator
• Experiences relief and gratitude during "good" periods
• Blames themselves for the "bad" periods
• Becomes increasingly dependent on the manipulator's approval

Addiction-like cycle. The inconsistent positive reinforcement creates an addiction-like response, similar to gambling. The victim keeps hoping for the "high" of the good times, making it difficult to leave the relationship.

4. Manipulators use sympathy and charm to establish false intimacy

"Emotional manipulators often attempt to establish intimacy early in a relationship by sharing deep and deep personal information that is mostly untrue."

False vulnerability. Manipulators share seemingly personal and sensitive information to create a sense of closeness and trust. This tactic:

• Encourages the victim to reciprocate with their own secrets
• Creates a false sense of emotional intimacy
• Provides the manipulator with ammunition for future manipulation

Charm offensive. Manipulators use their charisma and charm to:

• Distract from inconsistencies in their behavior
• Make the victim feel special and understood
• Gain compliance through flattery and apparent concern

Empty words. Manipulators say what the victim wants to hear, using declarations of love and promises of commitment without genuine feeling or intent to follow through.

5. Blame-shifting and gaslighting make victims doubt their reality

"It is never an emotional manipulator's fault as they will almost never accept blame for anything. They may pin the blame on someone else or even you."

Avoiding responsibility. Manipulators refuse to accept accountability for their actions. Instead, they:

• Shift blame onto the victim or others
• Minimize the impact of their behavior
• Reframe situations to paint themselves as the victim

Gaslighting tactics. Gaslighting is a sophisticated form of manipulation that causes the victim to question their own perceptions and memories. Techniques include:

• Denying events the victim clearly remembers
• Insisting on false versions of events with conviction
• Trivializing the victim's emotions and concerns

Erosion of self-trust. Over time, these tactics cause the victim to:

• Doubt their own judgment and memory
• Rely increasingly on the manipulator's version of reality
• Feel confused, anxious, and unable to trust their own perceptions

6. Silent treatment and lying by omission are powerful control tactics

"Withholding also called the silent treatment, involves holding back communication, positive feedback, response, acknowledgement, agreement and acceptance in order to punish the other person and to maintain control."

Emotional withholding. The silent treatment is a form of passive-aggressive behavior used to:

• Punish the victim for perceived slights
• Avoid addressing issues in the relationship
• Maintain control by creating anxiety and uncertainty

Selective truth-telling. Lying by omission involves intentionally leaving out crucial information. This allows the manipulator to:

• Maintain a facade of honesty
• Control the victim's perception of situations
• Avoid direct confrontation or accountability

Countering these tactics. To address these behaviors:

• Calmly acknowledge the silent treatment and express willingness to communicate
• Ask direct questions to uncover omitted information
• Set boundaries around communication expectations in the relationship

7. Manipulators play the victim and trivialize others' concerns

"Emotional manipulators portray themselves as innocent victims of circumstances or someone else's behavior. They do this to elicit sympathy and evoke compassion."

False victimhood. Manipulators present themselves as helpless or persecuted to:

• Evade responsibility for their actions
• Gain sympathy and support from others
• Make the actual victim feel guilty for asserting boundaries

Minimizing concerns. When confronted, manipulators often:

• Trivialize the impact of their behavior
• Accuse the victim of overreacting or being too sensitive
• Deflect attention from the core issue

Impact on victims. These tactics leave victims feeling:

• Guilty for expressing their own needs and emotions
• Confused about the validity of their concerns
• Responsible for the manipulator's emotional state

8. Fear-then-relief and foot-in-the-door techniques increase compliance

"The emotional manipulator deliberately places his victim in a state of fear, quickly removes the threat and then replaces it with a mild demand for compliance."

Exploiting emotional states. The fear-then-relief technique creates a temporary state of vulnerability that the manipulator exploits. This works by:

• Inducing anxiety or fear in the victim
• Quickly alleviating that fear
• Making a request while the victim is relieved and off-balance

Gradual escalation. The foot-in-the-door technique involves:

• Making a small, easily accepted request
• Using that compliance to justify increasingly larger requests
• Exploiting the victim's desire for consistency

Psychological principles at work. These tactics leverage:

• The contrast effect (small requests seem trivial after big fears)
• Cognitive dissonance (the need to justify previous compliance)
• Reciprocity (feeling obligated after receiving "relief")

9. Triangulation and slandering create insecurity in relationships

"This is another common covert tactic at emotional manipulation. It involves introducing another person into the dynamic of the relationship as it progresses."

Creating competition. Triangulation involves bringing a third party into the relationship dynamic to:

• Make the victim feel insecure and jealous
• Create a sense of competition for the manipulator's affection
• Deflect attention from the manipulator's behavior

Undermining reputation. Manipulators may engage in slandering by:

• Spreading false or exaggerated negative information about the victim
• Isolating the victim from potential support systems
• Preemptively discrediting the victim's claims of abuse

Psychological impact. These tactics leave victims feeling:

• Constantly on edge and insecure in the relationship
• Isolated and unable to trust others
• Compelled to "prove" their worth to the manipulator

10. Anger, guilt, and shame are weaponized to maintain dominance

"Covert-aggressive manipulators use shaming to make others feel unworthy or inadequate."

Emotional weapons. Manipulators skillfully use negative emotions to control their victims:

• Anger: Used to intimidate and create fear of confrontation
• Guilt: Exploits the victim's conscience to gain compliance
• Shame: Undermines the victim's self-worth and confidence

Subtle delivery. These emotional attacks are often delivered covertly through:

• Sarcasm and backhanded compliments
• Rhetorical questions that imply inadequacy
• Non-verbal cues like disapproving looks or sighs

Long-term effects. Consistent exposure to these tactics can lead to:

• Chronic anxiety and walking on eggshells
• Difficulty asserting boundaries or expressing needs
• Internalized feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy

11. Recognizing manipulation empowers victims to protect themselves

"Your best defense is to study their tactics so you could be prepared to identify them for what they really are."

Knowledge is power. Understanding the tactics of emotional manipulators is crucial for:

• Recognizing manipulation as it occurs
• Maintaining a strong sense of self and reality
• Developing effective strategies to counter manipulation

Signs of manipulation. Be aware of red flags such as:

• Feeling constantly anxious or on edge in the relationship
• Difficulty making decisions without the manipulator's input
• Apologizing frequently for things that aren't your fault
• Doubting your own perceptions and memories

Protective strategies. To guard against manipulation:

• Set and maintain clear boundaries
• Trust your instincts and perceptions
• Seek support from trusted friends, family, or professionals
• Be willing to walk away from toxic relationships

Last updated: July 27, 2024