Failure to Launch

1. More young adults are struggling to launch than ever before.

A third of today’s twenty-five- to twenty-nine-year-olds live with their parents—three times as many as in 1970.

A growing phenomenon. The "failure to launch" syndrome, where young adults struggle to achieve independence, is increasingly common. This isn't just about economics; it's a complex interplay of societal shifts, parenting styles, and individual development. More kids are staying home longer.

Multiple contributing factors. Several forces converge to make launching harder today. These include:

• Increased parental involvement (sometimes called "helicopter parenting")
• A more challenging economic landscape with higher education costs and stagnant wages
• Changing cultural norms around marriage and independence milestones

The result. This combination leaves many young people feeling less prepared for the transition to adulthood. They may be academically capable but lack the practical skills, confidence, and internal drive needed to navigate the post-high school world successfully.

2. Emerging adulthood is a new, extended stage of development.

It’s not until they are twenty-six-and-aalf years old that half of all people feel like an adult half of the time!

Beyond adolescence. The period from roughly 18 to 29 is now recognized as "emerging adulthood," a distinct developmental stage. It's a time of exploration and instability, where traditional markers of adulthood (marriage, career, financial independence) are significantly delayed compared to previous generations. This is a normal part of development today.

A time of exploration. This stage is characterized by trying out different jobs, relationships, and living situations. It's a period for figuring out "what you like and what you're good at," rather than needing to have a fixed destination. This exploration is essential for building a solid adult identity.

Subjective feeling of adulthood. Feeling like an adult is a gradual process, not an overnight switch. It's tied more to accepting responsibility and making independent decisions than to chronological age or external milestones. Many people don't consistently feel like an adult until their late twenties.

3. Anxiety and fear of not being taken seriously hinder progress.

In short, they worry more and risk less.

Increased anxiety levels. Today's young people report higher levels of anxiety and feeling overwhelmed than previous generations. Growing up in a highly structured, adult-managed world can leave them less prepared for the self-direction required in adulthood. They are more sensitive to potential rejection and failure.

Fear of exposure. A significant underlying fear for many struggling transitioners is being exposed as inadequate or a "pretender" in the adult world. Simple tasks can trigger deep-seated anxieties about competence and being taken seriously. This fear can lead to avoidance and procrastination.

Shame plays a role. Shame, the feeling of being fundamentally flawed or not what one is supposed to be, is a powerful inhibitor. It makes young people want to hide and avoid situations where they might feel judged or humiliated. This can paralyze them from taking necessary steps towards independence.

4. Becoming responsible means owning life's administrative details.

Responsibility means authorship.

Beyond compliance. In adulthood, responsibility shifts from complying with adult rules to taking ownership of one's own life and future. This includes managing the mundane but crucial "administrative responsibilities" that keep life on track. These tasks are the nuts and bolts of adult functioning.

The "adulting" challenge. Simple tasks like paying bills, making appointments, or meeting deadlines can be surprisingly difficult for struggling transitioners. This isn't necessarily laziness; it often stems from the underlying anxiety of performing tasks associated with being a "grown-up." It feels like stepping into foreign territory.

Learning through necessity. These skills are often learned through necessity and facing consequences. When parents step in to manage these details, they inadvertently prevent the young person from developing this crucial competence and the confidence that comes with it.

5. Becoming relational requires building new, supportive connections.

Learning how to find and accept support is the only path to true independence.

Beyond the high school clique. The social world of high school, focused on fitting in and persona, is insufficient for adult life. Transitioners need to develop deeper, more authentic friendships where they can give and receive genuine support. Relying solely on one relationship (like a romantic partner) or maintaining a hyper-independent stance leaves them vulnerable.

Seeking adult support. A key skill is learning how to actively seek out and utilize support from non-familial adults. This includes mentors, professors, bosses, or therapists. Unlike the mandated oversight of childhood, this requires the young person to take initiative and ask for help when needed.

Interdependence, not just independence. True adult functioning is characterized by interdependence, not rugged individualism. Successful adults rely on a network of relationships for emotional support, practical advice, and collaboration. Learning to ask for and accept help is a sign of maturity, not weakness.

6. Becoming relevant means finding a sense of direction and purpose.

Right now your task isn’t to know your destination; it’s much simpler than that. Right now your task is to figure out two things: what you like and what you’re good at.

More than a career path. Finding a sense of direction isn't about knowing your lifelong career at age 20. It's about developing an attitude of hope and faith towards the future and committing to activities that move you forward. This involves exploring interests and building skills.

The power of "getting started." Even seemingly unrelated interests or entry-level jobs can provide momentum and a sense of purpose. The key is to commit energy and initiative to something, anything, that matters to the young person, rather than waiting for the perfect opportunity. This energy is the "campfire in the cave."

Holding environments help. Structured environments like college, vocational training, or meaningful jobs provide a temporary life structure that fosters growth and helps clarify interests and capabilities. They offer challenges and support that move young people towards relevance in the adult world.

7. Parents must shift from supervising to consulting.

Goodbye, parent supervisor. Hello, parent consultant.

Evolving parenting roles. Parenting needs to evolve as children grow. The hands-on supervision of childhood gives way to negotiation in adolescence, and finally to a consultant role in emerging adulthood. This means offering wisdom and support when invited, rather than directing or managing.

Horizontalizing the relationship. The goal is to transform the vertical, hierarchical parent-child relationship into a more horizontal, adult-to-adult dynamic. This involves mutual respect, reciprocal appreciation, and a clear understanding of whose business is whose.

The distant nephew test. To clarify boundaries, parents can imagine how they would interact with a distant nephew living in their home. This helps distinguish between necessary house rules (their business) and the young person's life choices (his/her business).

8. Letting go of guilt is crucial for effective parenting.

Guilt never helps in parenting.

Guilt is counterproductive. Many parents of struggling transitioners carry guilt about past parenting mistakes or family issues. This guilt is self-focused and hinders effective action. It can lead parents to overcompensate or tolerate disrespectful behavior out of a sense of obligation.

Focus on responsibility, not guilt. Instead of dwelling on past guilt, parents should focus on their current responsibility to adapt their parenting. Acknowledging past imperfections is healthy; letting them paralyze you is not. The goal is to change the present dynamic.

Look in the mirror. Parents must honestly assess how their current behaviors, expectations, modeling, and family culture might be inadvertently contributing to the problem. This self-awareness is empowering because it identifies areas where they can make changes.

9. Untangling boundaries clarifies whose business is whose.

Different boundaries = different conversations = different outcomes—it’s that simple.

Boundaries define relationships. Boundaries aren't just about keeping people out; they organize how we relate by defining what is my business, your business, and our shared business. Clear boundaries lead to smoother interactions.

Tangled boundaries in FTL families. In families with struggling transitioners, boundaries often become confused. The young person neglects their responsibilities, and parents step in, making the young person's business their own. This perpetuates the adolescent dynamic.

Redefining ownership. Parents must clarify what responsibilities belong solely to the young person (e.g., job search, finances, academic performance) and what belongs to the parents (e.g., house rules, personal comfort). This shift in ownership is key to changing the dynamic.

10. Creating necessity, not just motivation, drives change.

With a few bills, it will become a necessity.

Motivation is a mystery. Parents often feel powerless to "motivate" their struggling transitioners. Direct attempts to instill intrinsic motivation ("fire in the belly") are usually ineffective and can backfire. Motivation is often a result of circumstances, not just internal drive.

Challenge and necessity. Motivation often arises from "creative adjustment" – adapting when faced with challenges that must be dealt with. Like learning to change a tire when you get a flat, necessity drives learning and action.

Parents create conditions. While parents can't force motivation, they can create conditions of challenge and necessity. This might involve:

• Transferring financial obligations (like a car payment) to the young person
• Setting clear contingencies for support (e.g., rent is required if not working/in school)
• Allowing natural consequences to occur

11. Supporting is different from enabling.

If your best efforts to be helpful somehow end up making it easier for your transitioner to avoid these challenges... then you’re probably enabling.

Impact, not intention. The difference between support and enabling lies in the outcome, not the parent's intention. If your help makes it easier for your child to avoid responsibility or consequences, you are likely enabling. If it facilitates their growth and learning, it's support.

The enabling trap. Parents often fall into enabling due to a natural instinct to protect their children from difficulty or a tendency to "catastrophize" potential negative outcomes. They rescue their kids from manageable struggles, inadvertently preventing them from developing resilience.

Discretionary and transactional support. In emerging adulthood, material support should be discretionary (a choice, not an obligation) and transactional (contingent on the young person meeting certain responsibilities). This shifts the dynamic from unconditional caretaking to a more mutual arrangement.

12. Communication requires empathy and respecting boundaries.

The fact of loving your kids isn’t enough. It’s not enough that you know it. They’ve got to know it, and this means they’ve got to feel it from time to time in the give-and-take of your time together; they’ve got to experience it.

Communication breakdowns are common. Parents and struggling transitioners often get stuck in unproductive communication loops. Parents try to help or inquire, and the young person becomes defensive, withdrawn, or irritable, often due to underlying shame or feeling misunderstood.

Start with empathy. Effective communication requires parents to step into the young person's shoes and try to understand their subjective experience, including their fears, insecurities, and frustrations. This doesn't mean agreeing with their behavior, but validating their feelings.

Honor boundaries in communication. Just as with responsibility and support, communication must respect boundaries. Unsolicited advice, nagging, or intrusive questions, while well-intentioned, can feel like boundary violations to a transitioner and shut down communication. Shift to offering help only when invited.

Last updated: May 4, 2025