Feeling Good Together

1. We create the relationship problems we complain about

We all provoke and maintain the exact relationship problems that we complain about.

Self-fulfilling prophecies. Our attitudes and behaviors often create the very situations we're upset about in our relationships. For example, if we believe someone is critical, we may become defensive, which in turn provokes more criticism. This cycle reinforces our initial belief, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Blind spots. We're often unaware of how our own actions contribute to relationship problems. We tend to focus on the other person's faults while overlooking our own role. This lack of self-awareness prevents us from making positive changes.

Shifting focus. To improve relationships, we must shift our focus from blaming others to examining our own behavior. This requires courage and humility, but it's the key to breaking negative patterns and fostering healthier interactions.

2. The Five Secrets of Effective Communication transform relationships

The Five Secrets of Effective Communication can be incredibly powerful, but they're not gimmicks or magic formulas you can use to manipulate people.

Listening skills:

• The Disarming Technique
• Thought and Feeling Empathy
• Inquiry

Self-expression skills:

• "I Feel" Statements
• Stroking

Transformative power. When used skillfully and genuinely, these techniques can rapidly improve even the most troubled relationships. They create an atmosphere of mutual understanding, respect, and openness.

Practice and patience. Mastering these skills takes time and effort. Like learning a musical instrument, it requires consistent practice and a willingness to make mistakes and learn from them.

3. The Disarming Technique: Finding truth in criticism defuses conflict

When you agree with a criticism that seems totally untrue or unfair, you'll instantly prove that the criticism is wrong, and the other person will suddenly see you in an entirely different light.

Paradoxical effect. Agreeing with criticism, even when it seems unfair, often defuses the situation. It demonstrates humility and a willingness to consider the other person's perspective, which can lead to a more productive dialogue.

Overcoming pride. The Disarming Technique is challenging because it requires us to set aside our ego and defensiveness. However, this vulnerability can open the door to greater understanding and closeness.

Finding genuine truth. The key is to find some element of truth in the criticism, no matter how small. This doesn't mean accepting abuse or invalid criticisms wholesale, but rather acknowledging the kernel of truth that may exist.

4. Empathy and Inquiry: Listen actively to understand others

Most of the time, a little understanding is all he really wants and needs.

Thought Empathy. Accurately paraphrasing what the other person has said demonstrates that you're truly listening and trying to understand their perspective.

Feeling Empathy. Acknowledging the emotions behind someone's words shows that you're attuned to their emotional state and care about how they feel.

Inquiry. Asking open-ended questions encourages the other person to share more and helps you gain a deeper understanding of their thoughts and feelings.

• Common mistakes to avoid:
  • Jumping to problem-solving before fully understanding
  • Dismissing or minimizing the other person's feelings
  • Failing to acknowledge anger or other difficult emotions

5. Express feelings openly with "I Feel" statements

If you want other people to listen and respect your point of view, you'll need to combine skillful listening (Empathy) with effective self-expression (Assertiveness) in the spirit of acceptance and caring (Respect).

Direct communication. "I Feel" statements allow you to express your emotions clearly without blaming or attacking the other person. This approach reduces defensiveness and promotes open dialogue.

Vulnerability and authenticity. Sharing your true feelings can be scary, but it's essential for building genuine connections. It requires overcoming the fear of judgment and trusting that the other person can handle your emotions.

Balancing assertiveness and empathy. Effective communication involves both expressing your own needs and feelings while remaining attuned to the other person's perspective. This balance creates an atmosphere of mutual respect and understanding.

6. Stroking: Convey respect even during disagreements

If you treat people with kindness and make sure that your comments will never hurt or humiliate them, you can get away with saying just about anything.

Power of respect. Treating others with genuine respect, even when you disagree, creates an environment where difficult conversations can occur productively. It helps the other person feel valued and more open to hearing your perspective.

Finding positives. Stroking involves looking for and acknowledging positive qualities in the other person, even in the midst of conflict. This can be challenging but helps maintain a connection and goodwill.

Avoiding manipulation. Stroking must be genuine to be effective. Insincere flattery or attempts to manipulate will likely backfire and damage trust.

7. Overcoming common communication traps and resistance

Sometimes helping is the most unhelpful thing you can do.

Common traps:

• Trying to "fix" or solve problems prematurely
• Apologizing instead of listening
• Becoming defensive or argumentative
• Avoiding conflict entirely

Internal resistance. We often resist using effective communication techniques because of beliefs like "Why should I have to do all the work?" or "It's not fair!" Recognizing and challenging these thoughts is crucial for improvement.

Shifting mindset. Instead of viewing communication skills as a burden, see them as tools for creating the relationships you want. Remember that you can only change yourself, not others, but your changes can catalyze positive shifts in your relationships.

8. Advanced techniques: Changing Focus and Positive Reframing

When you Change the Focus, you call attention to the fact that you're both feeling awkward or frustrated, and that there's tension in the air.

Changing Focus. This technique involves directly addressing the underlying tension or emotions in a situation, rather than getting caught up in the surface-level argument. It can quickly defuse conflicts and promote honest communication.

Positive Reframing. Viewing challenging behaviors or situations in a more positive light can transform interactions. For example, seeing someone's criticism as an expression of their care and desire for improvement, rather than an attack.

Creativity and practice. These advanced techniques require creativity and a willingness to see situations from new perspectives. With practice, they can become powerful tools for turning conflicts into opportunities for growth and connection.

Last updated: January 22, 2025