Find the Good

1. Find the Good in Every Situation

Find the good.

Practice finding good. As an obituary writer in a small town, the author's job is to find the positive essence of a person's life, even in the face of tragedy or difficult circumstances. This practice has taught her that intentionally looking for the good in people and situations makes life more meaningful. It's a skill that can be developed over time.

Beyond the headlines. While front-page news often focuses on the negative, obituaries reveal the richness and fulfillment of ordinary lives. Even when someone dies after a long illness or struggle, the author seeks out the defining characteristics, deeds, and commitments that made their life "one wild and precious life." This involves listening patiently and looking beyond the obvious pain.

Helpers emerge. Tragedies, from school shootings to local accidents, are often followed by countless acts of kindness and good deeds. Like Mr. Rogers' mother advised, look for the helpers; they are always there. Suffering binds people together and brings out the best in humanity.

2. Pretty Good is Better Than Perfect

That’s what perfect looks like.

Letting go of perfection. The author spent years striving for perfection in every role – daughter, mother, wife, homemaker – but eventually realized this pursuit was a hindrance to living fully. Welcoming an adopted daughter and writing obituaries for flawed but beloved people helped shift her perspective. The most resonant lives weren't perfect, but were rich in generosity, humor, or hidden talents.

Accepting the mess. Trying to keep everything "just so" can prevent genuine connection and joy. The author learned this lesson from friends who prioritized warmth and hospitality over immaculate homes, like the friend who served dinner on paper towels. It's often easier to focus on external order than to address difficult emotional issues or relationships.

Embrace the process. Change takes time, and accepting imperfection is a process, not an overnight transformation. The author finds her house getting messier as her optimism grows, accepting sticky fingerprints and spilled milk as part of a full life. The goal shifts from cleanliness to acceptance, finding beauty in the lived-in reality of family life.

3. Prioritize Relationships Over Work

Because anyone can see that the real answer is priorities and what’s at the top of your to-do list.

Work less, live more. Many people, especially men in past generations, regret working too much and not spending enough time with family. Norm Blank, a fisherman and carpenter, quit a stable job to be home with his daughters, demonstrating a clear prioritization of family. He also made time for friends and community, turning simple chores like recycling into social opportunities.

People first. Norm's life showed that having family and friends at the top of your priority list leads to a life well-lived. He would stop whatever he was doing to greet visitors or spend time with his granddaughter. This intentional focus on relationships meant he had fewer regrets at the end of his life.

Shift your focus. While completely flipping a to-do list might be hard, you can start by taking advantage of unexpected downtime to connect with people. Use a delayed flight to call a parent or a snow day to help a neighbor. Prioritizing relationships means choosing to be present for others, even when there are other tasks demanding attention.

4. Embrace the Unexpected Happiness That Comes Your Way

The world is full of happiness, and plenty to go round, if you are only willing to take the kind that comes your way.

Blessings in disguise. Sometimes the most endearing parts of life come from unexpected, even inconvenient, circumstances. The author, a self-proclaimed dog person allergic to cats, ended up keeping Betty, the runt kitten born in her closet. Betty, despite her physical and intellectual quirks, became a beloved family pet for nearly eighteen years.

Appreciating the imperfect. Betty wasn't a demanding cat; she was quiet, trusting, and content with simple things like napping on the sofa. Her gentle presence taught the children kindness and responsibility. Her quirks, like being fooled by her own birthmark or needing her food dish rattled, provided amusement and kept the family attentive to her well-being.

Finding joy in the ordinary. Betty's quiet presence was a constant in the author's busiest years of raising five children. She witnessed family milestones and provided a sense of peace. Her life, though simple and unremarkable in many ways, brought unexpected happiness and taught the valuable lesson that joy can be found by accepting and appreciating the blessings that arrive, even if they aren't what you initially wanted.

5. Find Strength and Connection in Community

You don’t have to sing in a choir to see that a group of committed people who care about something that makes life a little brighter, and work hard at it, can accomplish more together than alone, but it helps.

Collective effort. Joining the local women's choir, Morning Muscles exercise class, or volunteering for hospice demonstrates the power of group commitment. Working together, even on seemingly small things like singing or exercising, creates something greater than individual effort. These groups provide support, connection, and a sense of belonging.

Transcending differences. Community activities can bridge divides and foster understanding. In the choir, women with opposing political views stand side-by-side, sharing music and finding common ground. This shared purpose allows them to practice forgiveness and make beautiful music together, transcending their disagreements for a time.

Support in sorrow. Community is especially vital during times of loss. The choir singing at a memorial service provided comfort and peace to mourners. Knowing that others care and are there to support you, whether through shared grief or daily activities, provides strength and reminds you that you are not alone in facing life's difficulties.

6. Face Life's Challenges and Unfairness with Courage

Life’s not fair. So?

Accepting unfairness. Life is inherently unfair, bringing unexpected tragedies like cancer diagnoses or fatal accidents. The author's father's simple mantra, "Life's not fair. So?" encourages facing these injustices without bitterness. It's about acknowledging the reality of hardship and choosing how to respond.

Focus on what matters. When faced with terminal illness, the author's friend Rene chose to focus on living an ordinary life, teaching first graders, and spending time with family. She didn't dwell on the unfairness but found courage in appreciating the present moment and continuing her valued work. This perspective highlights the importance of holding onto what is truly important.

Hold on tight. Facing challenges requires courage and resilience. Like keeping your eye on the ball and holding on tight with two hands, you must stay focused on what matters and navigate the difficulties. Whether it's a near-fatal car accident or a terminal diagnosis, choosing to live fully and connect with others is a powerful response to life's inherent unfairness.

7. Appreciate and Move Your Body

I’ve never regretted a workout.

Movement as recovery. After a severe accident left her immobilized, the author had to relearn how to walk and rebuild her strength. This humbling experience taught her the importance of appreciating her body's capabilities, even when they were diminished. She found a new "sport" in a women's exercise class, starting small to regain strength.

Beyond aesthetics. While many join exercise classes for physical appearance, the real value lies in what happens over time. It becomes less about achieving a perfect body and more about doing the best with what you have and appreciating your body's resilience. The effort itself becomes the reward, cleansing from the inside out.

Play like a child. Finding joy in movement, like jumping on a trampoline or swinging across monkey bars, is key to aging cheerfully. The author realized the wisdom in a proper old lady's daily trampoline habit. Staying fit isn't just about longevity; it's about enriching life and feeling proud of what your body can do, maintaining a childlike sense of play and accomplishment.

8. Look Beyond Appearances and Assume the Best

I want her to grow up to see beyond a person’s appearance so that without prompting or proof, she’ll assume the best, and discover most people have a pretty good story behind their cover.

Don't judge a book. People often present themselves in ways that can be misleading. The author learned this lesson from her neighbor, Granny, who wore a batting helmet and shin guards while towing a shopping cart but turned out to be a compassionate woman who ministered to the homeless in London. Judging her based on her unusual appearance would have meant missing out on knowing a remarkable person.

Hidden depths. Small towns, like anywhere, have people with surprising histories and talents hidden beneath the surface. The mild-mannered clerk with a vintage Harley in his living room or the animal-loving grandma who was a WWII flight instructor are examples. Taking the time to look beyond the obvious reveals the rich stories people carry.

Teach acceptance. The author hopes her granddaughter will learn to look past external appearances and assume the best in others. This involves being open-minded and curious, rather than making quick judgments. By doing so, you open yourself up to discovering the "pretty good story" that most people have, fostering connection and understanding.

9. Take Pride in Your Work and Make it Shine

If Hilma was cleaning the Laundromat floor, why not make it shine?

Excellence in the ordinary. Hilma, who ran a hotel and laundromat until she was 98, took pride in doing everything well, not for perfection, but because it felt good to do a good job. She kept her public showers sparkling and picked flowers to brighten the space, going above and beyond what was expected. Her dedication made her businesses stand out.

Effort creates value. Hilma's life demonstrated that the life you imagine requires effort. She and her husband worked tirelessly to transform old army buildings into a successful hotel and camper park. Her handwoven runners and homemade jam were testaments to her skill and dedication, earning compliments decades later.

Finding luxury in simplicity. Despite her hard work, Hilma knew how to appreciate the fruits of her labor. Her greatest luxury was checking into the best room in her own hotel when there was a lull, soaking in the tub, and sleeping in a full-sized bed. This shows that taking pride in your work allows you to find satisfaction and even moments of luxury in the life you've built.

10. Nurture Family Connections and Listen to Your Mother's Wisdom

True love is above all reliable.

The enduring bond. Losing a mother is traumatic, regardless of the relationship's complexity. The author's friend Deana transported her mother's body on a ferry for cremation, keeping a promise despite the emotional difficulty. This act demonstrated the reliability of true love, which is shown through actions and commitment, even when it's hard.

Maternal influence persists. Even after mothers are gone, their influence, guidance, and voices remain with their children. Deana found strength in her mother's wisdom, which had prepared her to handle difficult situations. Those who have lost mothers often find themselves channeling their mothers' strength and perspective.

Prioritize connection. The story of Russ, who disappeared from his family for 38 years, highlights the importance of staying connected. His family's gratitude upon his return and his saving of every card they sent show the deep value of maintaining ties. Making the effort to send cards, call, or visit ensures that family knows they are loved and missed, preventing regrets later.

Last updated: May 3, 2025