Games People Play

1. Games are structured social interactions with hidden motives

A game is an ongoing series of complementary ulterior transactions progressing to a well-defined, predictable outcome.

Hidden agendas. Games are more than simple social interactions; they involve ulterior motives and concealed psychological payoffs. Players engage in seemingly straightforward exchanges, but beneath the surface, they're seeking specific emotional rewards or validations.

Predictable patterns. Games follow recognizable sequences of "moves" that lead to anticipated outcomes. These patterns are often learned in childhood and repeated throughout life, shaping relationships and social dynamics.

Psychological benefits. While games can be destructive, they serve important psychological functions:

• Structuring time and avoiding boredom
• Reinforcing one's life script or self-concept
• Providing a sense of familiarity and control in social situations
• Avoiding intimacy or vulnerability

2. Transactional analysis reveals the Parent, Adult, and Child ego states

In technical language, an ego state may be described phenomenologically as a coherent system of feelings, and operationally as a set of coherent behaviour patterns.

Three ego states. Transactional analysis identifies three distinct parts of our personality:

• Parent: Internalized authority figures, values, and judgments
• Adult: Rational, fact-based thinking and problem-solving
• Child: Emotional responses, creativity, and intuition

Shifting states. People constantly switch between these ego states in social interactions. Recognizing which state is active in ourselves and others can provide valuable insights into communication dynamics.

Complementary transactions. Healthy interactions occur when ego states align (e.g., Adult-to-Adult). Crossed transactions, where ego states mismatch, often lead to conflict or misunderstanding.

3. Time structuring: Rituals, pastimes, games, intimacy, and activity

The eternal problem of the human being is how to structure his waking hours.

Avoiding boredom. Humans have a fundamental need to structure time and avoid the discomfort of unoccupied moments. This drive shapes much of our social behavior.

Hierarchy of interactions. Berne outlines a progression of social exchanges:

1. Rituals: Formalized, predictable interactions (greetings, etiquette)
2. Pastimes: Casual conversations on familiar topics
3. Games: More complex interactions with hidden motives
4. Intimacy: Genuine, open exchanges (rare and often brief)
5. Activity: Goal-oriented work or tasks

Psychological stroking. Each level provides different degrees of psychological recognition or "stroking." Games offer a reliable source of strokes, explaining their prevalence in social life.

4. Common life games: Alcoholic, Debtor, Kick Me, and more

The favoured game of any individual can be traced back to his parents and grandparents, and forward to his children.

Alcoholic. This game involves multiple roles:

• Alcoholic: Seeks both help and reasons to continue drinking
• Persecutor: Often the spouse, criticizes the drinking
• Rescuer: Tries to save the alcoholic (often enabling)
• Patsy: Provides resources without judgment
• Connection: Supplies alcohol

Debtor. Players accumulate debt, then use it as an excuse for life's problems or to manipulate others. The game can involve "Try and Collect" or "Try and Get Away With It" variations.

Kick Me. The player behaves in ways that invite criticism or rejection, confirming their belief that they're unworthy. This can become a self-fulfilling prophecy in relationships and careers.

5. Marital games: Corner, Courtroom, Frigid Woman, and others

'Courtroom' can be played by any number, but is essentially three-handed, with a plaintiff, a defendant and a judge, represented by a husband, a wife and the therapist.

Courtroom. Spouses present their grievances to a third party (often a therapist), seeking validation rather than resolution. The game perpetuates conflict rather than addressing underlying issues.

Frigid Woman. A spouse (usually the wife) alternates between seduction and rejection, maintaining control through sexual frustration. This game often masks deeper fears of intimacy or commitment.

If It Weren't For You (IWFY). One partner uses the other's perceived limitations as an excuse for their own lack of growth or achievement. This maintains a comfortable, if unfulfilling, status quo.

6. Party and sexual games reveal social dynamics

'Why Don't You – Yes But' occupies a special place in game analysis, because it was the original stimulus for the concept of games.

Why Don't You - Yes But (YDYB). A classic party game where one person presents a problem, rejecting all offered solutions. The true aim is to prove that their situation is hopeless, not to find a resolution.

Rapo. This game involves varying degrees of flirtation and rejection:

1. First-Degree: Mild flirtation with no intention of follow-through
2. Second-Degree: Leading someone on, then rejecting them
3. Third-Degree: Serious accusations of assault or impropriety

Importance of recognition. These games highlight the human need for attention and acknowledgment in social settings, even if achieved through negative means.

7. Underworld games expose criminal psychology

Because many criminals are cop-haters, they seem to get as much satisfaction from outwitting the police as from their criminal gains, often more.

Cops and Robbers. This game reveals that many criminals are more motivated by the thrill of outwitting authority than by material gain. The "chase" becomes as important as the "prize."

How Do You Get Out of Here. Played by inmates, this game involves appearing to want freedom while sabotaging actual chances for release. It masks a fear of life outside the institution.

Let's Pull a Fast One on Joey. A con game where the victim is set up to believe they're participating in a scheme, only to become the target themselves. It relies on the mark's own dishonest impulses.

8. Consulting room games impact therapeutic relationships

The psychiatrist, who is in the best and perhaps the only position to study games adequately, unfortunately deals almost entirely with people whose games have led them into difficulties.

I'm Only Trying to Help You. Therapists may unconsciously play this game, setting up a dynamic where the patient's failure to improve validates the therapist's importance.

Wooden Leg. Patients use real or imagined disabilities as excuses to avoid responsibility or change. This game can be particularly challenging in therapy.

Psychiatry. Both therapists and patients can play versions of this game, using psychological jargon or concepts to avoid genuine emotional engagement or change.

9. Good games can be constructive social interactions

A 'good' game might be described as one whose social contribution outweighs the complexity of its motivations, particularly if the player has come to terms with those motivations without futility or cynicism.

Busman's Holiday. Engaging in one's profession during leisure time out of genuine enjoyment. This can be both personally fulfilling and socially beneficial.

Cavalier. A game of gracious compliments and poetic appreciation, fostering positive social interactions without ulterior motives.

They'll Be Glad They Knew Me. A constructive alternative to revenge fantasies, focusing on personal success and positive impact on others.

10. Games are generationally transmitted and culturally significant

Games are passed on from generation to generation. The favoured game of any individual can be traced back to his parents and grandparents, and forward to his children.

Family legacy. Game patterns are often unconsciously taught by parents and grandparents, shaping a child's future relationships and life outlook.

Cultural variations. Different cultures and social classes favor specific types of games, reflecting broader societal values and norms.

Social cohesion. Shared games create a sense of belonging within social groups, but can also perpetuate unhealthy dynamics across generations.

11. Breaking game patterns can lead to personal growth and intimacy

Intimacy requires stringent circumspection, and is discriminated against by Parent, Adult and Child.

Recognizing patterns. Awareness of one's habitual games is the first step toward change. This often requires honest self-reflection or professional help.

Challenging comfort zones. Games provide a sense of security and predictability. Giving them up can be anxiety-inducing but necessary for growth.

Pursuing authenticity. Moving beyond games allows for more genuine connections and self-expression. This can lead to:

• Improved relationships
• Greater emotional fulfillment
• Enhanced problem-solving skills
• Increased self-awareness and personal responsibility

Last updated: January 22, 2025