Getting More

1. Focus on People and Process, Not Just Substance

Studies show that less than 10 percent of the reason why people reach agreement has anything to do with the substance.

People are paramount. In any negotiation, the individuals involved and the process used account for over 90% of the outcome. Understanding the other party's needs, fears, and motivations is crucial. Building rapport and trust through personal connections can significantly impact the result.

Process matters. How you approach the negotiation is as important as what you're negotiating. Key elements include:

• Setting an agenda
• Establishing ground rules
• Managing emotions
• Framing issues effectively
• Being incremental in your approach

By focusing on people and process, you create an environment conducive to reaching mutually beneficial agreements, even when the substantive issues seem challenging.

2. Set Clear Goals and Identify the Real Problem

Goals are what you want at the end of the negotiation that you don't have at the beginning.

Define your objectives. Before entering any negotiation, clearly articulate what you want to achieve. This serves as your North Star, guiding your actions and decisions throughout the process. Regularly check if your actions are aligned with your goals.

Dig deeper for root causes. Often, the presenting issue is not the real problem. Ask "why" multiple times to uncover underlying concerns. For example:

• Surface problem: Child missing the school bus
• Real issue: Wanting more time with a parent

By identifying the real problem, you open up more creative solutions and increase the likelihood of a satisfactory outcome for all parties involved.

3. Understand and Value the Other Party's Perceptions

To be really effective, one has to start all the way back at the beginning. What is the other person feeling? How do they perceive the situation? What are the pictures in their heads?

Empathy is crucial. Put yourself in the other person's shoes to understand their perspective, motivations, and constraints. This insight allows you to tailor your approach and proposals to address their concerns effectively.

Validate their viewpoint. Even if you disagree, acknowledging the other party's perceptions makes them more receptive to your ideas. Techniques include:

• Active listening
• Asking open-ended questions
• Summarizing their points
• Showing genuine interest in their perspective

By valuing the other party's perceptions, you create a collaborative atmosphere that facilitates problem-solving and mutual gain.

4. Use Emotional Payments to Build Relationships

An emotional payment is something that makes the other party feel better: empathy, an apology, a concession.

Address emotional needs. In negotiations, people's feelings often matter more than logic. Emotional payments can:

• Calm heated situations
• Build trust and rapport
• Make the other party more receptive to your ideas

Types of emotional payments:

• Sincere apologies
• Empathetic statements
• Small concessions or gestures
• Acknowledgment of their efforts or expertise

By attending to emotional needs, you create a positive atmosphere that facilitates productive negotiations and strengthens relationships.

5. Trade Items of Unequal Value to Expand the Pie

All people value things unequally. First find out what each party cares and doesn't care about, big and small, tangible and intangible, in the deal or outside the deal, rational and emotional. Then trade off items that one party values but the other party doesn't.

Identify diverse interests. Look beyond the obvious negotiation points to find a wide range of items that may be valuable to either party. These can include:

• Tangible assets (money, products, services)
• Intangible benefits (recognition, flexibility, relationships)
• Future opportunities or commitments

Create win-win exchanges. By trading items of unequal value, both parties can gain more from the negotiation. For example:

• A company offers a lower salary but more vacation time
• A customer agrees to a longer contract in exchange for a discount

This approach expands the total value available and increases the likelihood of reaching a mutually beneficial agreement.

6. Leverage Standards and Frame Issues Effectively

Using their standards is one of the great negotiation tools that most people don't know about.

Use existing standards. Identify and leverage the other party's established policies, precedents, or public commitments. This makes it harder for them to refuse reasonable requests without contradicting themselves.

Frame issues strategically. How you present information can significantly impact the other party's perception and decision-making. Effective framing techniques include:

• Highlighting mutual benefits
• Presenting options in a favorable light
• Connecting proposals to the other party's values or goals
• Using analogies or metaphors to clarify complex ideas

By framing issues effectively and appealing to established standards, you increase your persuasive power and the likelihood of a favorable outcome.

7. Be Incremental and Persistent in Negotiations

Every ceiling is a new floor.

Take small steps. Large demands or changes often meet resistance. Instead, break down your goals into smaller, more manageable steps. This approach:

• Reduces perceived risk for the other party
• Allows for gradual buy-in and trust-building
• Makes it easier to adjust course if needed

Persistence pays off. Don't give up after initial rejections. Instead:

• Try different approaches
• Rephrase your requests
• Seek alternative decision-makers
• Look for new information or circumstances that might change the dynamic

By being incremental and persistent, you can often achieve goals that initially seemed out of reach.

8. Embrace Differences and Cultural Sensitivity

Differences are more profitable.

Value diversity. Embrace differences in perspectives, experiences, and cultures as sources of creativity and innovation. Diverse teams and negotiation partners can:

• Generate more creative solutions
• Identify overlooked opportunities
• Bring complementary strengths to the table

Adapt to cultural nuances. When dealing with people from different cultural backgrounds:

• Research cultural norms and expectations
• Be aware of communication style differences
• Show respect for local customs and traditions
• Use cultural intermediaries when appropriate

By embracing differences and showing cultural sensitivity, you can build stronger relationships and achieve better outcomes in diverse settings.

9. Master Communication and Listening Skills

Questions are far more powerful than statements.

Ask effective questions. Skilled negotiators use questions to:

• Gather information
• Clarify assumptions
• Uncover hidden interests
• Guide the conversation

Listen actively. Pay close attention to both verbal and non-verbal cues. Techniques include:

• Maintaining eye contact
• Summarizing key points
• Asking follow-up questions
• Acknowledging emotions

Communicate clearly. Avoid ambiguity and jargon. Use simple language and concrete examples to convey your ideas effectively. Be mindful of tone and body language to ensure your message is received as intended.

By mastering communication and listening skills, you can build rapport, gather crucial information, and steer negotiations towards mutually beneficial outcomes.

10. Navigate Workplace Negotiations Strategically

Build your own coalition.

Develop a network. Cultivate relationships with key individuals across the organization, including:

• Decision-makers
• Influencers
• Support staff
• Long-term employees

Prepare thoroughly. Before important negotiations:

• Research company policies and precedents
• Understand the other party's needs and constraints
• Identify potential allies and obstacles
• Develop multiple options and fallback positions

Frame requests strategically. When seeking promotions, raises, or new opportunities:

• Align your goals with company objectives
• Demonstrate your value and past contributions
• Use industry standards and benchmarks
• Offer solutions to organizational challenges

By approaching workplace negotiations strategically, you can advance your career while contributing to organizational success.

11. Apply Negotiation Skills in Personal Relationships

Relationships aim to strengthen the bond between people.

Focus on long-term goals. In personal relationships, prioritize building trust and mutual understanding over short-term wins. Consider how your actions today will affect the relationship in the future.

Use negotiation tools sensitively. Apply negotiation skills in personal contexts with care:

• Trade items of unequal value (e.g., household chores for leisure time)
• Make emotional payments through acts of kindness or appreciation
• Use "common enemies" to strengthen bonds (e.g., complaining about traffic together)
• Be incremental in addressing sensitive issues

Communicate openly and honestly. Foster trust by:

• Expressing concerns early
• Avoiding blame and focusing on solutions
• Acknowledging your own mistakes
• Showing empathy for the other person's perspective

By applying negotiation skills thoughtfully in personal relationships, you can resolve conflicts, deepen connections, and create more satisfying interactions with loved ones.

12. Negotiate Effectively with Children

Children do by instinct what Getting More makes explicit.

Understand their perspective. Children often have different priorities and perceptions than adults. Take time to:

• Ask questions about their feelings and thoughts
• Observe their behavior and reactions
• Consider their developmental stage and capabilities

Empower through choices. Give children a sense of control by offering age-appropriate choices. This can:

• Reduce power struggles
• Teach decision-making skills
• Increase cooperation

Use creative problem-solving. Look for win-win solutions that meet both the child's needs and your goals. For example:

• Trading extra playtime for completing chores
• Allowing a later bedtime in exchange for quiet reading time

Model good negotiation skills. Children learn by example. Demonstrate:

• Active listening
• Respectful communication
• Willingness to compromise
• Following through on commitments

By negotiating effectively with children, you can teach valuable life skills while maintaining a positive and cooperative relationship.

Last updated: January 24, 2025