Gravitas

1. Redefine Gravitas: Confidence is Plural, Not Singular.

Repeat after me: confidence is a plural, not a singular construct.

Challenge outdated notions. Society has long defined gravitas and confidence through a narrow, often patriarchal lens, favoring extroverted, swaggering traits typically associated with men in power. This singular definition excludes many, particularly women, who possess equally powerful but different forms of self-assurance. It's time to expand this definition to be inclusive of diverse strengths.

Confidence comes in many forms. True confidence stems from appreciating one's own abilities and qualities, which manifest in various ways. The book introduces eight distinct strengths, or "superpowers," that form the basis of gravitas. Recognizing that confidence isn't one-size-fits-all allows individuals to value their unique contributions and stop trying to fit into a restrictive mold.

Move beyond performative confidence. The goal is not to "fake it until you make it" or adopt a persona that isn't authentic. Real gravitas is a deep-seated belief in oneself, rooted in genuine strengths, that radiates outward. By acknowledging and celebrating the multitude of ways confidence can appear, we create space for everyone to own their power authentically.

2. Gravitas is a Conscious Choice You Make Every Day.

Bottom line, gravitas is a conscious choice.

We are born self-confident. As children, we naturally possess fearlessness and self-belief, unafraid to declare what we're best at. However, as we age, self-awareness can morph into self-consciousness, often fueled by disappointments, external judgment, and societal pressures, leading us to doubt our innate worth.

Choose self-confidence over self-doubt. Despite the forces that chip away at our self-belief, we have the agency to choose confidence. This choice is not a one-time event but a daily commitment to seeing the best in ourselves, letting go of insecurities, and navigating life with self-assurance. It's about actively deciding to cultivate a growth-oriented mindset.

Motivation drives the choice. People are often motivated to choose gravitas during life transitions, when feeling unappreciated, or when fed up with the status quo. Recognizing these moments as catalysts can empower the decision to shift from a deficit mindset to one rooted in strength and possibility, enabling us to live bigger, more fulfilling lives.

3. Discover Your Superpowers: Your Unique Confidence Language.

Your unique combination of superpowers is your confidence language.

Identify your innate strengths. The book's core methodology involves identifying your "superpowers" – the 8 strengths that are the natural basis of your self-belief. These are the qualities where you are most comfortable and capable, forming your unique "confidence language." Taking the quiz helps make these unconscious strengths conscious.

The 8 Strengths of Gravitas:

• Leading: Strategic, assertive, inspires followership.
• Performing: Engaging, charismatic, thrives in the spotlight.
• Achieving: Goal-oriented, persistent, driven by results.
• Giving: Supportive, empathetic, finds purpose in serving others.
• Knowing: Analytical, logical, grounded in facts and research.
• Creating: Visionary, imaginative, comfortable challenging the status quo.
• Believing: Optimistic, hopeful, sees the best in others and situations.
• Self-Sustaining: Self-assured, independent of external validation, comfortable in their own skin.

Understand your default mode. Most people are strongest in one or two superpowers. This combination is your default confidence language, the source of your inner strength. Recognizing these primary traits is the essential first step in owning your power and understanding what makes you uniquely you.

4. Recognize and Overcome Forces Holding You Back.

The system wasn’t built by us, or for us.

Internal and external barriers exist. Self-doubt isn't just an internal struggle; it's often reinforced by external forces and systemic biases. These include:

• The Deficit Mindset: Focusing on weaknesses and what's missing.
• The Shrinking Effect: Underestimating one's abilities, especially prevalent in women.
• The Satisfaction Conundrum: Chasing external markers of success that never truly fulfill.
• The Superwoman Façade: Feeling pressure to perfectly manage all aspects of life.
• The Setback Spiral: Letting criticism or failure lead to a cycle of negativity.
• Systemic Bias: Facing structural inequalities and stereotypes based on gender, race, etc.

Systemic bias is a significant hurdle. Outdated notions of leadership and competence, often framed by patriarchal and cultural biases, mean that even highly qualified women may be overlooked or undervalued if they don't fit a narrow mold. This unfairness can be disheartening, especially for those who believe in meritocracy.

Acknowledge and address the forces. While systemic change takes time, individuals can learn to recognize these forces at play, both internally and externally. By naming them, understanding their impact, and choosing not to internalize them, we can prevent them from diminishing our self-worth and stopping us from pursuing our goals.

5. Cultivate Courage, Compassion, and Connection from Within.

This mindset that we are cultivating is the antidote to the forces working against us; it is an authentic and stable center that comes from within, so that we are not defined by life as it swirls around us.

Gravitas fosters the Three Cs. Choosing confidence and understanding your superpowers cultivates a powerful mindset that embodies Courage, Compassion, and Connection. This inner strength allows you to navigate life's challenges from a stable center, rather than being tossed about by external circumstances or internal doubts.

Courage fuels action. Courage is defined as self-belief that leads to action, followed by interpreting results from a place of strength and a desire to learn. By rooting self-belief in tangible superpowers, individuals gain the confidence needed to take leaps, even when scared, and to learn from setbacks rather than being paralyzed by them.

Compassion and Connection deepen relationships. Understanding your own strengths and vulnerabilities fosters self-compassion. Extending this understanding to others, by recognizing their unique confidence languages, builds empathy and connection. This allows for more meaningful interactions, reduces unfair comparisons, and strengthens relationships personally and professionally.

6. Level Up Your Gravitas by Developing New Strengths.

Life doesn’t get easier, we just get stronger.

Expand your superpower arsenal. While your confidence language is your default, you can cultivate proficiency in other superpowers to become more capable and resilient. As women gain life experience and advance in their careers, they often naturally develop more dominant strengths, moving from an average of two to three or more.

Targeted growth for specific situations. Different situations call for different strengths. For example:

• Effective Execution (getting tasks done): Achieving, Giving, Knowing.
• Persuasion (selling ideas, public speaking): Leading, Performing, Creating.
• Leveling Up (asking for raises/promotions, starting a business): Leading, Performing, Creating, Self-Sustaining.
• Self-Recovery (handling criticism, letting go): Believing, Creating, Self-Sustaining.

Practice makes stronger. Developing new superpowers requires conscious effort and practice. This can involve seeking out opportunities to use these skills, learning from mentors who embody them, and reflecting on experiences to identify areas for growth. The goal isn't perfection, but increased capability and comfort.

7. Build Better Connections by Understanding Others' Superpowers.

Applying the confidence language lens to others helps us to better connect with the important people in our lives, personally and professionally.

Empathy through understanding strengths. Just as understanding your own confidence language is key to self-belief, recognizing the superpowers of others is crucial for building strong relationships. This provides a framework for empathy, allowing you to see beyond surface behaviors and understand what truly drives the people in your life.

Strengthen relationships through recognition. When you see and value the unique strengths of friends, family, partners, and colleagues, you foster trust, acceptance, and openness. This mutual appreciation creates a foundation for better communication, conflict resolution, and collaboration, making relationships more meaningful and rewarding.

Navigate differences and find common ground. Understanding how your confidence language interacts with others' helps identify areas of natural synergy and potential conflict. By recognizing these dynamics, you can adapt your approach, learn from differing strengths, and work together more effectively, whether coordinating household tasks or leading a team project.

8. Embrace the Sisterhood: Collective Power and Allyship.

What happens when fully actualized women who are aware of their superpowers band together? It becomes a sisterhood of friends, family members, and colleagues in which we lift each other up and do even more together.

Individual strength fuels collective power. As women become more self-aware and confident in their unique strengths, they are better equipped to support and uplift others. This creates a powerful "sisterhood" where women champion each other, share resources, and provide a vital network of support, especially in navigating systemic challenges.

Be an agent of change. Beyond personal growth, gravitas empowers women to challenge bias and reshape the cultures they inhabit. This involves:

• Calling out bias: Speaking up against sexism and discrimination, even when uncomfortable.
• Amplifying the pack: Creating and participating in networks that make women visible and support their success.
• Embracing role modeling: Demonstrating confidence and sharing lessons learned to inspire others.
• Embodying allyship: Actively supporting women, especially women of color, by advocating for opportunities and confronting discrimination.

Celebrate collective success. Recognizing that another woman's triumph doesn't diminish your own, but rather amplifies collective potential, fosters "freudenfreude" – finding joy in others' success. By actively supporting each other, women can accelerate progress towards a more equitable and empowering future for all.

Last updated: May 19, 2025