Happy Sexy Millionaire

1. The Conventional Pursuit of Happiness, Love, and Success is Flawed

I was a victim. A victim of today’s media narratives, social media fallacies and societal conventions.

Societal lies. Growing up, Steven Bartlett believed that becoming a "sexy millionaire" – having money, status, and a partner – would bring ultimate happiness. This belief was shaped by media, social media, and societal conventions that equate these external achievements with fulfillment. However, upon achieving immense financial success and public recognition by age 25, he realized he felt no happier than when he was broke.

Misguided goals. The pursuit of external markers like wealth, fame, and physical attractiveness, often portrayed as the path to happiness, is fundamentally flawed. These are finite goals in an infinite game (life). Chasing them leads to a destination mindset, constantly believing happiness is "somewhere else" in the future, rather than being present now. This external validation-seeking path risks leading to mental health problems and a deep sense of unfulfillment.

Redefining terms. The book redefines the conventional terms:

• Happy: Internal feeling of fulfillment, not a fleeting mood.
• Sexy: The pursuit of love, becoming loveable, forming meaningful relationships.
• Millionaire: Success, a subjective concept based on what matters to you, not just money.
  The true journey is towards fulfillment, love, and success as defined internally, not by external metrics.

2. Comparison is the Thief of Joy and Self-Worth

The only worthwhile comparison is YOU yesterday vs YOU today.

Lazy CEO brain. The human brain's "lazy CEO" makes quick decisions based on relativity and comparison, a survival mechanism from our past. In today's social media-saturated world, this leads to constant upward social comparison, where we compare ourselves to filtered, unrealistic portrayals of others' lives (like influencers). This makes us feel inherently inferior and "not enough."

Toxic context. Social media creates a toxic context where "perfect" looks normal, making "good" disposable. Seeing curated highlights of others' lives triggers feelings of helplessness, jealousy, and inferiority, jeopardizing our sense of identity and well-being. This voluntary exposure to unrealistic standards is a form of mental self-harm.

• Studies show upward social comparisons foster negative emotions.
• Cosmetic surgery trends are driven by filtered social media images.
• Instagram was voted the worst social media platform for mental health among young people.

Focus inward. You cannot stop comparing yourself entirely, as it's an intrinsic human trait. However, you can manage your exposure to toxic comparisons by unfollowing or blocking negative influences online and in real life. The only healthy comparison is measuring your own progress against your past self. Focusing on personal growth, rather than external benchmarks, is crucial for self-worth and happiness.

3. Cultivate Gratitude to Counteract Materialism and Unhappiness

If a person could do only one simple thing to increase their health and happiness then expressing gratitude on a regular basis must be it.

Gratitude's power. Achieving massive financial success didn't bring automatic happiness, but recalling past struggles and expressing gratitude for small things (like finding £13.40 when broke) did. Gratitude is a conscious practice that releases dopamine, the "feel-good" neurotransmitter. It's not something that just shows up; you have to invite it into your life consistently.

Fighting comparison. Upward social comparisons prevent natural gratitude. By constantly comparing yourself to those with more, you feel like you never have enough. Actively practicing gratitude, especially through downward self-comparisons (reminding yourself how far you've come), helps counter this.

• Gratitude journals decrease materialism and increase charitable donations.
• During the pandemic, involuntary downward social comparison led to increased gratitude for health/family and decreased designer goods sales.

A healthy habit. Make gratitude a daily habit, like writing one thing you're grateful for. This small act, taking mere seconds, can profoundly impact your overall fulfillment. It shifts your perspective from feeling inadequate to feeling like you have more than enough, and that you are enough. Religious people, who practice perpetual gratitude, consistently report higher levels of happiness.

4. Life is a Non-Binary, Chaotic Journey, Not a Predetermined Script

The fairy tales of how life is ‘supposed to be going’ will fuck up your life.

Reject the script. Society propagates fairy tales about how life "should" go (marriage by a certain age, mortgage, kids, specific career path). These expectations are broadcast relentlessly, becoming accepted standards regardless of individual circumstances. This pressure to fit into binary boxes (married/single, successful/unsuccessful) causes immense anxiety and makes complex, imperfect realities feel "wrong."

Embrace chaos. Life is inherently chaotic and a quest for continued forward motion. We mistakenly believe achieving goals brings order and satisfaction, but the act of striving itself provides stability and fulfillment. Achieving goals can lead to a loss of orientation and purposelessness. Paradoxically, our chaos is our order, and the happiness we seek is in the pursuit itself.

Non-binary reality. Just as we are learning that gender and sexuality are not binary, life itself is not binary. We are multifaceted, unique beings. Questions seeking simple yes/no answers about complex subjective experiences like "passion" or "love" are invalid and harmful. They force us into boxes that don't fit, causing confusion and misery. Reject these toxic questions and societal blueprints.

5. True Fulfillment Stems from Intrinsic Pursuits and Psychological Needs

Never trade your happiness for a career, money, external validation, popularity or status.

Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic. Motivation can be intrinsic (from within, for enjoyment) or extrinsic (from outside, for reward/avoidance). Society and social media push extrinsic goals (money, fame, status) as the "correct" path, leading many to pursue things they don't genuinely want. This conflates external admiration with internal aspiration.

The cost of extrinsic focus. Pursuing extrinsic goals leads to temporary satisfaction, if any, and often results in burnout. Studies show achieving intrinsic goals (relationships, growth, community) leads to lasting happiness, while achieving extrinsic goals does not. The most common regret of the dying is not having lived a life true to themselves, but one others expected.

Psychological needs. Beyond basic physical needs, humans have psychological needs for:

• Autonomy: Feeling in control of one's life and behavior.
• Competence: Building skills and achieving mastery.
• Connection: Belonging and meaningful relationships.
  Obsessive optimization for convenience (like ordering food instead of interacting) and prioritizing work over relationships leads to unmet psychological needs, manifesting as loneliness, anxiety, and depression. Hard work isn't toxic; working hard at the expense of these needs is.

6. Quitting is a Skill; Embrace Uncertainty and Take Responsibility

I assure you – quitting is for winners and quitting is a skill.

Quitting is not failure. Society's clichés like "quitting is for losers" are harmful. Knowing when to quit a toxic situation, change direction, or give up on something that isn't right is a life-defining skill. The greatest barrier to starting something new is often the gravitational pull of the wrong thing you haven't quit yet.

Embrace uncertainty. People often stay in miserable situations because they need their next step perfectly figured out. This avoidance of uncertainty leads to long-term misery. Uncertainty is the necessary gap between a current bad situation and an unknown better one. Like a spider monkey leaping between branches, you must let go of the old to reach the new.

• Brain fears uncertainty (limbic system).
• Successful people override this fear with reason (high EQ).
• Obama's "51% rule": Make a decision with 51% probability once all available info is gathered, and be at peace.

Take responsibility. The sentence structure "X made me Y because of Z" gives away control over your emotions and situation. Taking responsibility ("I made myself angry because of X thing") gives you the power to control your response and actions. An internal locus of control (believing you control your fate) leads to proactivity, resilience, and progress, unlike an external locus (blaming outside forces) which leads to victimhood and stagnation.

7. Master Your Emotional Response and Focus on Action During Chaos

In moments of chaos, optimism, proactivity and focus are your friends.

Emotional hijacking. High-pressure situations, bad news, or perceived rejection can trigger intense emotions (like ego, anger, fear) that hijack your rational mind. In these moments, your brain prioritizes short-term "victory" or defense over long-term outcomes. When emotion goes up, decision-making goes down.

Regain control. The key is self-awareness – recognizing when emotions or a bruised ego have taken control. Do everything in your power to prevent these forces from making decisions.

• Pause, wait, sleep on it.
• Consult a trusted friend for objective perspective.
• Remind yourself that your emotional response is your responsibility.

Focus on solutions. During chaos, dwelling on what happened, self-pity, or trying to control the past are distractions. Optimism, proactivity, and focus on solving the problem are your allies. Like the person who calmly seeks an exit during a fire instead of screaming about it, focusing on action increases your chances of overcoming adversity. You are not what happened to you; you are how you chose to handle it.

8. Consistency and Small Actions Compound into Remarkable Results

Success is the result of your consistency invisibly compounding for or against you, over long periods of time.

The Eighth Wonder. Consistency over time is the most profound and underrated factor in success, akin to compound interest. Small, seemingly insignificant actions, repeated consistently, build invisible momentum that leads to exponential growth over years. This applies to finances, health, relationships, reputation, and skills.

• Warren Buffett credits compound interest for his wealth.
• A small amount invested consistently grows exponentially over decades.
• The Grand Canyon was carved by consistent water flow over millions of years.

Invisible PR. Your reputation ("Invisible PR") is built on a series of small, daily actions and decisions. These compound over time, influencing how others perceive and interact with you, ultimately impacting your opportunities and progress. Focusing neurotically on integrity, trustworthiness, and how you treat others is crucial because every interaction adds positively or negatively to your Invisible PR.

Good repeated. People often underestimate the power of small decisions because the results aren't immediately visible. They seek short bursts of intensity (crash diets, get-rich-quick schemes) expecting instant results, like dumping water on a mountain and expecting a canyon. True, lasting change comes from consistent, small efforts. Greatness isn't one decision or heroic act; it's just "good repeated, over and over again."

9. Uncover Subconscious Drivers and Limiting Beliefs Through Self-Awareness

There is no self-development without self-awareness.

Labels limit you. We often adopt labels (lazy, unmotivated, smart, etc.) for ourselves or accept those given by others. These labels act as binary boxes with implicit instructions on how we should behave. The longer we conform to a label, the harder it is to become anything else. This self-labeling, often rooted in past experiences and insecurities, significantly limits our potential.

Subconscious forces. Our behavior is largely driven by subconscious forces – narratives, stories, and experiences from our past (especially childhood conditioning). We often don't know why we do what we do; we just do it. These unaddressed forces can overpower intentions, rational thought, and even good advice, leading to self-sabotaging behaviors (like avoiding the gym due to insecurity or running from love due to past trauma).

Self-awareness is key. To overcome limiting beliefs and change behavior, words and intentions aren't enough. You need new evidence that challenges and disproves those beliefs. This requires deep introspection and self-awareness.

• Journaling/keeping a diary helps critically analyze behavior and uncover subconscious drivers.
• Therapy provides an objective sounding board for gaining insight.
• Understanding why you feel psychological discomfort in certain situations is crucial to overcoming avoidance.

Validation is internal. Often, the things that invalidated you as a child are what you seek validation for as an adult. This external validation-seeking is a dangerous cycle. Money or success doesn't corrupt; it amplifies existing subconscious forces. True validation is an inside job; only you can validate yourself.

10. Build a Unique Skill Stack Rather Than Mastering One Thing

This means that, statistically, to become the best in your industry you do not need to become the best at any one aspect, you just need to be very good at a variety of complementary skills – skills that your industry requires for personal success.

Beyond single mastery. Contrary to popular belief, becoming the best in your industry rarely requires being the absolute best at one specific skill (like being the best technical photographer). Instead, it'
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Last updated: May 16, 2025