How to Be a Friend

1. True friendship is founded on virtue and goodness

Virtue itself gives birth to friendship and nourishes it, so that without virtue friendship is not able to exist.

The foundation of friendship. True friendship can only exist between good people who share similar values and moral character. While there are many types of relationships based on utility or pleasure, genuine friendship arises from mutual admiration of each other's virtues and positive qualities. This doesn't mean friends must be perfect, but they should strive to be their best selves and inspire each other to grow.

Friendship and character development. A true friend will challenge you to become a better person because they appreciate your potential. Through friendship, we refine our own character and support others in doing the same. This reciprocal process of growth and improvement is at the heart of lasting friendships.

2. Friendship offers mutual benefits and support in all circumstances

Friendship offers benefits that I can scarcely describe. In the first place, how can life be worth living, as Ennius says, unless it relies on the mutual goodwill of a friend?

Emotional support. Friends provide comfort, understanding, and companionship in both good times and bad. They celebrate our successes and help us bear our burdens. This emotional connection gives life deeper meaning and joy.

Practical assistance. While true friendship isn't based on self-interest, friends naturally help each other in tangible ways:

• Advice and wisdom
• Networking and opportunities
• Practical aid in times of need
• Shared resources and skills

Personal growth. Through friendship, we gain:

• New perspectives and ideas
• Constructive feedback
• Motivation and accountability
• A broader understanding of the world

3. Choose friends carefully and nurture relationships over time

We should take our time, move slowly, and discover what lies deep in a person's heart before we make the investment of self that true friendship requires.

Deliberate friendship formation. While we may have many acquaintances, true friendships require careful cultivation. Take time to observe potential friends' character, values, and behavior in various situations before deepening the relationship.

Stages of friendship. Cicero outlines a natural progression:

1. Initial attraction based on shared interests or circumstances
2. Getting to know each other more deeply
3. Building trust through shared experiences
4. Developing a strong emotional bond and loyalty
5. Long-term commitment and integration into each other's lives

Nurturing friendship. Like any valuable relationship, friendship requires ongoing care and attention:

• Regular communication
• Shared activities and experiences
• Expressing appreciation and affection
• Working through conflicts and misunderstandings
• Adapting to life changes together

4. Be honest and loyal in friendships, even when it's difficult

Friends will always tell you what you need to hear, not what you want them to say. There are plenty of people in the world who will flatter you for their own purposes, but only a real friend—or an enemy—will risk your anger by telling you the truth.

Honesty as a foundation. True friendship requires open and honest communication, even when it's uncomfortable. Friends should be able to share their genuine thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or rejection.

Constructive criticism. A good friend will:

• Offer feedback with kindness and respect
• Focus on helping you grow, not tearing you down
• Be open to receiving feedback in return

Loyalty in adversity. Friendship is truly tested in difficult times:

• Standing by a friend when others turn away
• Defending a friend's reputation (when deserved)
• Supporting a friend through mistakes and failures
• Maintaining confidentiality and trust

5. Friendship requires equality and respect, not subservience

Make new friends, but keep the old. No one is a sweeter friend than someone who has been with you from the beginning. But don't limit yourself to the companions of youth, whose friendship may have been based on interests you no longer share.

Balance in friendship. A healthy friendship involves give and take, with both parties contributing and benefiting relatively equally over time. This doesn't mean keeping score, but rather a natural reciprocity.

Respecting boundaries. True friends:

• Don't take advantage of each other
• Respect differences in opinion and lifestyle
• Allow for individual growth and change
• Maintain their own identity and interests outside the friendship

Adapting over time. As people grow and change, friendships must evolve:

• Accepting that some friendships may naturally fade
• Being open to new friendships at all stages of life
• Allowing long-term friendships to deepen and mature

6. Balance friendship with personal integrity and civic duty

A friend never asks another friend to do something wrong. A friend will risk much for another, but not honor. If a friend asks you to lie, cheat, or do something shameful, consider carefully if that person is who you really thought he was.

Ethical boundaries in friendship. While friends should support each other, this support should never extend to unethical or illegal actions. True friendship is based on shared values and mutual respect for each other's integrity.

Balancing loyalties. Sometimes friendships can conflict with other important commitments:

• Family obligations
• Professional responsibilities
• Civic duties and the greater good

In these cases, friends must navigate these conflicts with open communication and understanding, recognizing that there are limits to what can be asked or expected of a friend.

7. Cultivate friendships across generations and social boundaries

Always be open to new friendships, including those with younger people. Both you and they will be the richer for it.

Diverse friendships. Cicero encourages forming friendships beyond our immediate peer group:

• Intergenerational friendships offer different perspectives and wisdom
• Friendships across social classes can broaden our understanding of society
• Cross-cultural friendships expand our worldview

Benefits of diverse friendships:

• Personal growth and learning
• Challenging our assumptions and biases
• Creating a more interconnected and empathetic society
• Gaining new skills and knowledge

Overcoming barriers. To form these diverse friendships:

• Be open-minded and curious about others
• Look for shared interests or values as a starting point
• Practice active listening and empathy
• Be willing to step out of your comfort zone

8. True friendship is rare and precious - cherish it above material goods

What could be more foolish than for a person with an abundance of wealth, skills, and resources to acquire all the things money can buy—horses, slaves, fine clothing, expensive dining ware—and yet not acquire friends? After all, friends are the finest and most beautiful adornment of life.

The value of friendship. While material possessions and worldly success can bring temporary pleasure, true friendship offers lasting fulfillment and meaning in life. Cicero argues that friendship should be prioritized above wealth, power, or fame.

Rarity of true friendship. Deep, genuine friendships are not common:

• They require time, effort, and emotional investment
• Not everyone is capable of the trust and vulnerability true friendship demands
• The fast pace of modern life can make it challenging to nurture deep connections

Cherishing friendship. To honor the gift of true friendship:

• Express gratitude and appreciation regularly
• Make time for friends despite busy schedules
• Support friends through life's ups and downs
• Continually work to deepen and strengthen the bond
• Never take true friendship for granted

Last updated: January 24, 2025