How to Win Friends & Influence People

Avoid criticism, condemn, and complaint

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain—and most fools do."

Criticism is futile. It puts people on the defensive, wounds their pride, and arouses resentment. Instead of criticizing, try to understand the other person's point of view. Ask yourself why they do what they do. This approach breeds sympathy, tolerance, and kindness.

Acknowledge your own mistakes. When you're about to criticize someone, remember your own shortcomings. This will help you be more empathetic and less judgmental. People are often doing the best they can with the knowledge and resources they have.

Focus on improvement, not blame. Instead of pointing out faults, concentrate on how to make things better. This approach is more likely to lead to positive change and maintain good relationships.

Give honest and sincere appreciation

"The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated."

Appreciation is powerful. It fulfills a fundamental human need and can motivate people to achieve great things. Unlike flattery, sincere appreciation comes from recognizing and valuing the good qualities in others.

Be specific in your praise. Instead of generic compliments, point out particular actions or qualities you admire. This makes your appreciation more meaningful and credible.

Practice gratitude daily. Make it a habit to appreciate the people around you, both in personal and professional settings. This not only improves relationships but also enhances your own well-being.

Arouse in others an eager want

"First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way."

Understand others' motivations. Before trying to influence someone, take time to understand what they want and need. This allows you to frame your requests in terms of their interests, not just your own.

Use the "you" perspective. When communicating, focus on how your ideas benefit the other person. Instead of saying "I want," say "You'll benefit from..."

Create win-win situations. Look for ways where both parties can gain from the interaction. This approach leads to more successful and lasting agreements.

Become genuinely interested in other people

"You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."

Cultivate curiosity. Make a conscious effort to learn about others' lives, experiences, and perspectives. Ask questions and listen attentively to their answers.

Show authentic interest. People can sense when your interest is genuine. Take the time to remember details about their lives and follow up on previous conversations.

Practice empathy. Try to see situations from others' points of view. This not only helps you understand them better but also makes you more relatable and trustworthy.

Smile and remember names

"Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language."

Smile genuinely. A sincere smile can brighten someone's day and make you more approachable. Practice smiling, even when you don't feel like it, as it can improve your own mood as well.

Use people's names. Make an effort to remember and use people's names in conversation. It shows respect and makes the interaction more personal.

Techniques for remembering names:

• Repeat the name when you're introduced
• Associate the name with a visual image
• Use the name several times in conversation
• Write down the name after the meeting

Be a good listener and encourage others to talk

"You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years trying to get other people interested in you."

Practice active listening. Give your full attention to the speaker, maintain eye contact, and use non-verbal cues to show you're engaged. Avoid interrupting or preparing your response while they're still talking.

Ask open-ended questions. Encourage others to share more by asking questions that can't be answered with a simple "yes" or "no." This shows your interest and keeps the conversation flowing.

Reflect and summarize. Periodically paraphrase what you've heard to ensure understanding and show that you've been paying attention. This also gives the speaker a chance to clarify any misunderstandings.

Make the other person feel important

"The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance."

Practice sincere flattery. Find genuine reasons to compliment others on their achievements, qualities, or efforts. Be specific and honest in your praise.

Show respect for others' opinions. Even if you disagree, acknowledge the value of their perspective. This makes people feel heard and respected.

Use inclusive language. Phrases like "I value your input" or "Your expertise would be helpful here" make people feel important and valued.

Avoid arguments and admit when you're wrong

"You can't win an argument. You can't because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it."

Choose collaboration over confrontation. Instead of arguing, look for points of agreement and work towards a mutually beneficial solution.

Listen to understand, not to respond. When someone expresses a different opinion, focus on understanding their perspective rather than formulating your counterargument.

Admit mistakes quickly and emphatically. When you're wrong, acknowledge it promptly. This disarms the other person and often leads to forgiveness and respect.

Show respect for others' opinions

"If you want to gather honey, don't kick over the beehive."

Avoid saying "You're wrong." Instead, use phrases like "I see it differently" or "Let's explore this further." This keeps the conversation open and non-confrontational.

Find common ground. Look for areas where you agree before addressing points of disagreement. This creates a foundation for constructive dialogue.

Practice humility. Remember that you don't have all the answers. Be open to learning from others' perspectives and experiences.

Appeal to nobler motives and dramatize your ideas

"Appeal to the nobler motives."

Highlight higher purposes. When trying to persuade, appeal to people's desire to do good, be fair, or make a positive impact. This taps into their intrinsic motivations.

Use storytelling and vivid imagery. Make your ideas come alive through compelling narratives and visual descriptions. This helps others connect emotionally with your message.

Demonstrate, don't just tell. Whenever possible, show the impact of your ideas through real-life examples, demonstrations, or simulations. This makes your points more concrete and memorable.

Throw down a challenge and praise improvement

"All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory."

Tap into people's desire to excel. Frame tasks or goals as challenges to be conquered. This appeals to people's competitive nature and desire for achievement.

Set clear, achievable goals. Break larger objectives into smaller, manageable milestones. This provides a sense of progress and motivation.

Recognize and celebrate progress. Offer sincere praise for improvements, no matter how small. This encourages continued effort and builds confidence.

Last updated: January 22, 2025