How to Win Friends and Influence People (Unabridged)

1. Avoid criticism, condemnation, and complaint

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain - and most fools do.

Criticism is futile. It puts people on the defensive, wounds their pride, and arouses resentment. Instead of criticizing, try to understand the other person's point of view. Consider why they do what they do. This takes character and self-control, but it's far more profitable and intriguing than criticism.

Everyone justifies themselves. Even the most hardened criminals, like Al Capone, saw themselves as benefactors of society. Most people don't criticize themselves for anything, so your criticism is likely to be met with defensiveness and justification.

Seek to understand, not condemn. When dealing with people, remember you're dealing with creatures of emotion, bristling with pride and vanity. Harsh criticism can damage relationships irreparably, while empathy and understanding can build lasting connections.

2. Give honest and sincere appreciation

The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.

Appreciation is a powerful motivator. People crave recognition and validation. When you give sincere appreciation, you tap into this fundamental human need. It's not about empty flattery, but genuine acknowledgment of someone's efforts or qualities.

Appreciation versus flattery. The difference lies in sincerity. Flattery is insincere and selfish, while appreciation comes from the heart. People can usually distinguish between the two. Honest appreciation motivates people, boosts their self-esteem, and strengthens relationships.

Practice daily appreciation. Make it a habit to find something to sincerely appreciate in others every day. This could be:

• Acknowledging a coworker's contribution to a project
• Thanking a family member for their support
• Complimenting a stranger on their kindness

3. Arouse in others an eager want

The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.

Focus on others' desires. To influence people, you must understand and appeal to their wants and needs. This requires shifting your perspective from what you want to what the other person wants.

The power of motivation. When you can make someone want to do something, they'll move mountains to achieve it. This principle applies in:

• Sales: Show how your product fulfills the customer's needs
• Leadership: Connect organizational goals to personal aspirations
• Parenting: Explain how tasks benefit the child's growth

Use the "you" perspective. Frame your requests or ideas in terms of how they benefit the other person. For example, instead of saying "I want you to do this," say "You'll benefit from doing this because..."

4. Become genuinely interested in other people

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

Authentic interest builds connections. People are naturally drawn to those who show genuine interest in them. This isn't about manipulation, but about cultivating real curiosity about others' lives, experiences, and perspectives.

Practice active interest. Develop the habit of asking questions about others and truly listening to their answers. This could involve:

• Remembering details about their lives and following up
• Showing enthusiasm for their interests and achievements
• Offering help or support when they face challenges

The reciprocity effect. When you show interest in others, they're more likely to reciprocate that interest. This creates a positive feedback loop that strengthens relationships and opens up opportunities for collaboration and mutual support.

5. Smile and remember names

A person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

The power of a smile. A genuine smile is a universal sign of friendliness and goodwill. It can:

• Put others at ease
• Create a positive first impression
• Improve your own mood and outlook

The importance of names. Remembering and using someone's name is a simple yet powerful way to make them feel valued and important. It shows that you've paid attention and consider them significant.

Techniques for remembering names:

• Repeat the name when you're introduced
• Associate the name with a visual image
• Use the name in conversation
• Write it down if possible

6. Be a good listener and encourage others to talk

To be interesting, be interested.

The art of listening. Being a good listener is one of the most potent skills in human relations. It involves:

• Giving your full attention
• Avoiding interruptions
• Showing genuine interest through body language and follow-up questions

Encourage others to talk about themselves. People are more interested in themselves than in any other subject. By encouraging them to talk about their experiences, opinions, and interests, you make them feel valued and important.

The benefits of being a good listener:

• You learn valuable information
• You build stronger relationships
• You are perceived as intelligent and empathetic

7. Make the other person feel important

The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.

The desire for importance. Every person you meet has a deep-seated desire to feel important and appreciated. Recognizing and catering to this need can dramatically improve your relationships and influence.

Sincere recognition. This isn't about flattery, but genuine acknowledgment of others' value and contributions. It could involve:

• Praising specific achievements or qualities
• Seeking their advice or opinion
• Showing respect for their expertise or experience

The principle of equality. Remember that everyone you meet is your superior in some way. Adopt an attitude of humble learning, and you'll find that people are more open and responsive to you.

8. Appeal to nobler motives and dramatize your ideas

In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty.

The power of ideals. People like to think of themselves as acting from noble motives. By appealing to these higher ideals, you can motivate people more effectively than by focusing on base desires or threats.

Dramatize your ideas. Mere words are not enough to inspire action. You need to make your ideas vivid and dramatic. This could involve:

• Using vivid imagery and metaphors
• Telling compelling stories
• Demonstrating rather than just explaining

The importance of presentation. How you present an idea is often as important as the idea itself. By dramatizing your ideas, you make them more memorable and impactful.

9. Begin in a friendly way and admit your own mistakes

A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.

The power of friendliness. Starting any interaction in a friendly, positive manner sets the tone for the entire exchange. It disarms potential hostility and opens people up to your ideas.

Admitting mistakes gracefully. When you're wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. This disarms criticism and often evokes a generous response from the other person. It shows:

• Honesty and integrity
• Willingness to learn and improve
• Respect for the other person's perspective

The benefits of humility:

• It builds trust and credibility
• It encourages others to be more open and honest
• It creates an atmosphere of mutual respect

10. Let the other person feel the idea is theirs

No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing.

The power of suggestion. Instead of giving direct orders or trying to force your ideas on others, plant the seed of an idea and let it grow in their minds. This makes them more likely to accept and act on the idea.

Techniques for indirect influence:

• Ask questions that lead to your desired conclusion
• Present facts and let others draw their own conclusions
• Give people the opportunity to correct their own mistakes

The importance of ownership. When people feel that an idea is their own, they're more committed to its success. This principle is crucial in:

• Leadership: Encouraging team members to contribute ideas
• Sales: Helping customers discover their needs
• Negotiations: Finding mutually beneficial solutions

11. Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view

Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don't think so.

The power of empathy. Trying to understand the other person's perspective is crucial for effective communication and problem-solving. It involves:

• Putting aside your own biases and assumptions
• Actively listening to their concerns and motivations
• Considering the context of their actions or beliefs

Benefits of perspective-taking:

• It helps prevent misunderstandings
• It fosters mutual respect and cooperation
• It leads to more effective solutions

Practical application. Before trying to persuade someone, spend time thinking about their point of view. Ask yourself, "Why might they believe or act this way?" This understanding will make your approach more effective and empathetic.

12. Praise every improvement and make faults easy to correct

Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.

The power of praise. Sincere praise for even small improvements can be a powerful motivator. It encourages people to continue improving and builds their confidence.

Making correction positive. When you need to correct someone, do it in a way that doesn't discourage them. Focus on:

• Praising what they did right
• Showing how the mistake is easy to fix
• Expressing confidence in their ability to improve

The principle of reinforcement. People tend to repeat behaviors that are rewarded. By consistently praising improvement and making correction a positive experience, you create an environment that fosters growth and learning.

Last updated: July 30, 2024