How We Love Our Kids

1. Understanding Love Styles: The Key to Better Parenting

"Your parents gave you your first lessons in love. They were lullabies that lasted. They are with you to this very day."

Love styles shape parenting. Our childhood experiences with our parents create emotional blueprints that influence how we love and parent our own children. These "love styles" - Avoider, Pleaser, Vacillator, Controller, and Victim - each come with their own strengths and challenges in parenting.

Self-awareness is crucial. Recognizing your love style and its impact on your parenting is the first step towards positive change. By understanding the root causes of your parenting behaviors, you can begin to break negative cycles and create healthier relationships with your children.

• Common love styles:
  • Avoider: Emotionally distant, values independence
  • Pleaser: Anxious, seeks to keep peace at all costs
  • Vacillator: Alternates between intense connection and withdrawal
  • Controller: Struggles with anger, seeks to dominate
  • Victim: Passive, struggles to set boundaries

2. The Avoider Parent: Overcoming Emotional Detachment

"Avoiders restrict and avoid feelings, having learned others were annoyed, dismissive, or anxious when they expressed emotion or sought help."

Recognizing avoider tendencies. Avoider parents often struggle with emotional connection, valuing independence and achievement over affection and comfort. This can leave children feeling unseen and emotionally unsupported.

Strategies for growth:

• Practice identifying and expressing emotions
• Make time for meaningful conversations with children
• Learn to offer and receive physical affection
• Validate children's feelings instead of dismissing them
• Seek help to process past emotional neglect

3. The Pleaser Parent: Breaking the Cycle of Anxiety

"Pleaser parents generally bring laughter and fun to the family and will work to turn just about any occasion into a fun moment if it will please the kids and spouse."

Understanding the pleaser pattern. Pleaser parents often come from backgrounds of unpredictability or criticism. They seek to keep everyone happy, often at the expense of setting healthy boundaries or allowing children to experience necessary frustrations.

Balancing care with boundaries:

• Learn to tolerate your child's temporary discomfort
• Set and enforce consistent limits
• Teach children to express anger appropriately
• Allow natural consequences instead of rescuing
• Work on personal assertiveness and self-care

4. The Vacillator Parent: Managing Mood Swings and Expectations

"Vacillators desire extreme closeness; has early involvement with opposite sex; experiences intense connections, then breaks up when intensity fades."

Recognizing vacillator patterns. Vacillator parents often swing between intense connection and withdrawal, leaving children confused and anxious. They may idealize their children one moment and harshly criticize them the next.

Strategies for consistency:

• Practice being present and attuned to your child's needs
• Learn to express hurt instead of anger
• Integrate "good" and "bad" perceptions of others
• Make communication more direct and clear
• Work on repairing relationships after conflicts

5. The Controller and Victim Parents: Healing from Past Trauma

"Controllers and victims come from families with severe marital discord between parents, whether or not divorce occurs."

Breaking the cycle of trauma. Controller and victim parents often come from backgrounds of abuse or severe dysfunction. Controllers may use anger and domination to feel safe, while victims struggle with passivity and boundaries.

Paths to healing:

• Seek professional help to process past trauma
• Learn healthy ways to express and manage emotions
• Practice setting and respecting boundaries
• Develop empathy for yourself and your children
• Create a safe, predictable environment for your family

6. Nurturing Unique Children: Introverts, Free Spirits, and Sensitives

"Introverts commonly: feel drained from a lot of interaction; prefer a few close friends and feel lonely and sometimes overstimulated in a crowd; gain energy from private time and need space to be alone."

Recognizing and honoring differences. Children have unique temperaments and needs that may not always align with their parents' expectations or society's norms. Understanding and accommodating these differences is crucial for healthy development.

Strategies for supporting diverse needs:

• Introverts: Respect need for alone time, don't overschedule
• Free spirits: Allow for exploration, hands-on learning
• Sensitive children: Manage stimulation levels, validate emotions
• Premature/medically fragile: Understand impact of early trauma

7. The Comfort Circle: A Tool for Emotional Connection

"Comfort provides relief as we help a distressed baby to calm and physically relax."

Building emotional intelligence. The Comfort Circle is a powerful tool for parents to connect with their children's emotions and teach them how to process feelings in a healthy way.

Steps of the Comfort Circle:

1. Seek awareness: Help child identify feelings
2. Engage: Create a safe space for expression
3. Explore: Listen and validate emotions
4. Resolution: Offer comfort and problem-solve together

8. The Power of Confession and Laughter in Family Bonding

"Confession is a gift because it provides freedom from sin, shame, and embarrassment."

Vulnerability builds trust. Parents who can admit mistakes and apologize model important skills for their children. Coupled with shared laughter and play, this creates a strong family bond.

Fostering connection through openness and joy:

• Admit mistakes and apologize sincerely to children
• Share age-appropriate struggles and growth
• Make time for play and shared laughter
• Create family traditions and inside jokes
• Use humor to diffuse tension and teach life lessons

9. Balancing Frustration and Empowerment in Child Development

"Allowing kids to feel some stress is good while we can still step in and help."

Healthy stress builds resilience. While it's important to comfort and support children, allowing them to experience age-appropriate frustrations helps them develop problem-solving skills and emotional regulation.

Strategies for empowering growth:

• Provide choices within reasonable limits
• Allow natural consequences when safe to do so
• Teach and model problem-solving skills
• Encourage age-appropriate independence
• Validate emotions while maintaining boundaries

10. Becoming the Transitional Generation: Breaking Negative Cycles

"You can break the cycle. And if not you, then who?"

Creating lasting change. By recognizing unhealthy patterns from our own upbringing and consciously choosing to parent differently, we can create a legacy of healthier relationships for future generations.

Steps towards transformation:

• Commit to personal growth and healing
• Seek support through therapy, books, or support groups
• Practice self-compassion as you learn and make mistakes
• Celebrate small victories in changing patterns
• Share your journey with your children, modeling growth

Last updated: April 29, 2025