If the Buddha Dated

1. Embrace Spiritual Wisdom as Your Foundation

The more we commit to knowing and accepting ourselves, the more we are able to surrender to loving another person because we have nothing to hide and nothing to feel ashamed of.

Commitment to Self-Knowledge. Grounding yourself spiritually involves a deep commitment to truth, integrity, and self-acceptance. This foundation provides a safe harbor within, enabling you to navigate the complexities of dating and relationships with greater awareness and honesty.

Transcendence of Religious Boundaries. Spiritual wisdom isn't confined to any single religion or practice. Drawing from various traditions like Buddhism, Sufism, and Quakerism can enrich your understanding of love, compassion, and mindfulness. The key is to focus on the practical application of these principles in your daily life, rather than adhering rigidly to dogma.

Practical Application. Grounding yourself involves practices like meditation, mindfulness, and self-reflection. These tools help you become more aware of your thoughts, emotions, and attachments, allowing you to respond to situations with greater clarity and compassion. This commitment to self-awareness creates a secure base from which you can approach relationships with authenticity and openness.

2. Understand the Longing for Intimacy

You want a partner. It could be wonderful—to have a refuge, a sparring buddy, a helpmate to join you on the journey.

Natural Human Desire. The longing for an intimate relationship is a natural expression of our human desire for connection, tribal belonging, and love. It reflects a yearning to awaken our hearts and experience the flow of spirit between ourselves and another.

Distinguishing Longing from Attachment. It's crucial to differentiate between a healthy desire for connection and an attachment that causes suffering. Attachment arises when our longing becomes a demand, leading to desperation, control, and a loss of inner peace.

Embracing the Journey. Approaching the search for a partner with awareness and acceptance allows you to navigate the process with curiosity and a light heart. This involves embracing all aspects of the experience – joy, fear, neediness – and using them as opportunities for self-discovery and growth. By staying present and open, you can transform your longing into a path of awakening.

3. Commit to Your Personal Journey

Your daily life is your temple and your religion. Whenever you enter into it take with you your all.

Uniqueness and Potential. Each individual possesses unique gifts, talents, and emotional capacities. Your personal journey involves recognizing and embracing these qualities, allowing them to unfold and enrich your life.

Staying Loyal to Yourself. Committing to your journey means never compromising your integrity, intuition, or physical well-being. It involves recognizing when you've reached your "edges" – moments of fear or discomfort – and choosing to face them with courage and self-compassion.

Recognizing Adaptations. Throughout life, we adopt various adaptations and "I-dentities" to please others and survive. Staying loyal to your journey requires recognizing these adaptations and loosening their grip, allowing your essential being – your true self – to shine through. This process involves self-reflection, challenging limiting beliefs, and embracing vulnerability.

4. Challenge Limiting Beliefs and Stories

The causes of troubled relationships and fears about dating, or giving oneself to love, are born in the stories we tell ourselves.

Stories Shape Reality. The stories we tell ourselves, often stemming from childhood experiences, can significantly impact our relationships and our ability to love. These stories become ingrained beliefs that filter our perceptions and shape our reactions.

Identifying False Core Beliefs. Underlying these stories are often false core beliefs about ourselves, such as "I am worthless," "I am unlovable," or "I will always be abandoned." Recognizing these beliefs is the first step towards challenging their power.

Creating New Narratives. By becoming aware of our limiting stories and false core beliefs, we can begin to create new narratives that support our growth and well-being. This involves compassionately exploring the origins of our beliefs, challenging their validity, and choosing to live from our essence – a place of freedom, openness, and creativity.

5. Balance Oneness and Separateness in Relationships

Imagine an infant, some two months old, cradled in his mother’s arms, nursing . . . adrift in the oceanic, timeless, boundless world of infancy, his being and that of his care-taking human partner are merged.

The Dance of Intimacy. Intimacy requires a delicate balance between merging and maintaining individuality. Like a swing oscillating between closeness and distance, healthy relationships allow for both connection and personal space.

Addressing Early Attachment Issues. Our ability to navigate this balance is often influenced by our early attachment experiences. Intrusive or controlling parents can instill a fear of separation, leading to difficulties in forming healthy, independent relationships.

Forging a Separate Identity. Releasing guilt and resentment towards controlling parents is essential for forging a separate identity. This involves connecting with underlying anger, challenging ingrained beliefs, and finding your authentic voice. Only through this process can you give birth to your true self and see others clearly.

6. Engage Fully in the "Spiritual Fire" of Transformation

Gamble everything for love .... Half-heartedness doesn’t reach into majesty.

Embracing Passion and Pleasure. While some spiritual traditions emphasize contemplation and detachment, Sufism encourages embracing passion, pleasure, and pain as integral parts of the spiritual journey. This involves diving into the "sea" of emotions and becoming one with the beauty and power of the waves.

Challenging Limiting Beliefs. Our "false core" often imposes limits on the free flow of energy in our bodies, leading to restrictions on our expression of joy, passion, and sensuality. To fully engage in the spiritual fire, we must challenge these limiting beliefs and allow ourselves to feel the full spectrum of human experience.

Surrender and Acceptance. Surrendering to the spiritual fire means being open to feeling everything inside – joy, ecstasy, fear, pain – without judgment or resistance. This requires a willingness to confront our deepest fears and insecurities, knowing that transformation lies in embracing all aspects of ourselves.

7. Let Spirit, Not Ego, Guide Your Actions

Simply ask yourself, am I being guided by spirit or by my rigid ego?

Distinguishing Spirit from Ego. The rigid ego is characterized by fear, control, and a need for external validation. It clings to past experiences, enforces rigid beliefs, and seeks to manipulate others to fulfill its desires. Spirit, on the other hand, is guided by love, compassion, and a clear perception of reality.

Recognizing Ego-Driven Behavior. Behaviors such as boasting, lying, seduction, and control are often driven by the ego's fear of vulnerability and inadequacy. These actions create distance and prevent authentic connection.

Cultivating Spiritual Guidance. To be guided by spirit, we must become mindful of our motivations and intentions. This involves self-observation, acceptance, and a willingness to challenge our ego's demands. By centering ourselves in spirit, we can act with greater honesty, compassion, and integrity.

8. Seek Spiritual Equality in Relationships

Ultimately relationships are about the same energy that gets translated through a different biology.

Transcending Gender Stereotypes. At the spiritual level, we are all the same – essence, pure energy. Seeking spiritual equality in relationships means moving beyond gender stereotypes and embracing each other as unique individuals.

Challenging Cultural Prescriptions. Many dating books offer separate rules for men and women, often perpetuating harmful stereotypes and power imbalances. True intimacy arises when we relate to each other from essence, free from manipulation and pretense.

Creating a Shared Union. Spiritual equality fosters a shared union where both partners are valued, respected, and empowered. This involves open communication, mutual support, and a commitment to each other's growth and well-being. By embracing equality, we create a foundation for lasting love and connection.

9. Practice Loving-Kindness Towards Yourself and Others

Let your arrogance go, and look around inside.

Kindness as a Reflection of the Heart. Kindness reflects a warm, open heart and is essential for fostering healthy relationships. It involves extending compassion, understanding, and acceptance to ourselves and others.

Challenging Judgment. Instead of instantly judging others, we can look inward and recognize that everyone is on their own journey, facing their own challenges and struggles. This understanding fosters empathy and allows us to respond with greater kindness.

Accepting Imperfections. Loving-kindness also involves accepting our own imperfections and being honest about our faults and mistakes. This vulnerability allows us to connect with others on a deeper level and create a foundation for true intimacy.

10. Awaken Your Desire and Call Out to the Universe

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

Transmitting Intent. When seeking a partner, it's important to transmit your intent to the universe. This involves clearly defining what you want in a relationship and expressing your openness to receiving love.

Defining Desired Qualities. Before calling out to the universe, take time to reflect on the qualities you seek in a partner. Focus on values, interests, and lifestyle preferences, rather than superficial characteristics.

Creating Space for Love. You can also make room for a lover in a literal way by clearing clutter from your living space and creating an environment that reflects your desire for partnership. This involves removing reminders of past relationships and creating symbolic invitations for a new love to enter your life.

11. Navigate Early Stages with Awareness and Intention

Instead of feeling a sense of urgency, we would be fascinated by the process of meeting and getting to know new people.

Mindful Engagement. Approaching the early stages of dating with awareness and intention is crucial for creating a healthy foundation. This involves being fascinated by the process of meeting new people, rather than feeling a sense of urgency or desperation.

Prioritizing Compassion and Kindness. Compassion, care, and kindness for others should supersede the desire to "get someone to be with us." This involves treating each person with respect and understanding, regardless of whether they are a potential partner.

Avoiding Control. Never try to control another person or impose your expectations on them. Instead, focus on getting to know them as individuals and creating a shared union based on authenticity and mutual respect.

12. Accept Impermanence and Find Joy in the Present

Ultimately, as we become friends with ourselves and give up demanding that the universe provide us with a lover, we become truly open to meeting a special person with whom to share this journey of awakening.

Embracing Change. Relationships, like all things in life, are subject to change. Accepting impermanence allows you to appreciate the present moment and avoid clinging to expectations about the future.

Finding Joy in the Journey. Even amidst the challenges and uncertainties of dating, it's important to find joy in the process. This involves cultivating a light heart, a sense of humor, and a willingness to embrace the unexpected.

Living from Essence. As you become more secure in yourself, you'll worry less about how others respond to you and find greater intimacy in all your relationships. The desperation to have a partner will give way to learning to live from your essence, which is pure love, compassion, and understanding.

Last updated: April 24, 2025