Influence is Your Superpower

1. Influence is Your Superpower: Reconnect with Your Natural Ability

Interpersonal influence is our human advantage, passed down in our DNA.

Born influential. As infants, we relied solely on our ability to influence others for survival. This innate capacity to express desires, connect with others, and persuade them to care for us is our evolutionary advantage. However, as we grow older, societal norms and expectations often suppress this natural gift.

Reclaiming your power. To become more influential, we must shed the misconceptions that influence is manipulative or reserved for a select few. Instead, recognize that influence is a fundamental human skill that can be honed and applied ethically. By reconnecting with this innate ability, we can create positive change in our personal lives, careers, and communities.

Influence as a force for good. When used responsibly, influence can lead to mutually beneficial outcomes, stronger relationships, and the ability to make a meaningful impact. It's not about coercion or trickery, but rather about becoming someone people genuinely want to say yes to.

2. The Gator and the Judge: Understanding How Decisions Are Really Made

The mother of all misunderstandings is that we imagine ourselves to be rational beings, but it's the Gator who's in the driver's seat.

Dual decision-making systems. Our brains operate using two distinct systems:

• The Gator (System 1): Fast, intuitive, and emotional
• The Judge (System 2): Slow, deliberate, and rational

The Gator's dominance. Contrary to popular belief, the Gator drives most of our decisions and behaviors. It's always the first responder, operating below our conscious awareness. The Judge only steps in for complex decisions or when we make a conscious effort to engage it.

Implications for influence. To be truly influential, we must primarily appeal to the Gator:

• Focus on emotions and gut reactions
• Make things easy and intuitive
• Use stories and vivid imagery
• Leverage social proof and authority
• Tap into instincts and habits

By understanding this decision-making process, we can craft more effective influence strategies that resonate with how people really think and act.

3. The Power of No: Setting Boundaries and Building Resilience

No is a complete sentence, and "No, thank you" is a polite complete sentence.

The "No" Challenge. Practice saying no to all requests and invitations for 24 hours. This exercise helps you:

• Create space in your life
• Identify what truly matters to you
• Learn to set boundaries

Building rejection resilience. Regularly exposing yourself to small rejections can inoculate you against the fear of hearing "no." This builds confidence and makes you more comfortable asking for what you want.

Healthy boundaries. Learning to say no effectively:

• Preserves your time and energy for what's important
• Earns respect from others
• Makes your "yes" more meaningful
• Empowers you to pursue your own goals and dreams

Remember, saying no doesn't make you a bad person. It's a crucial skill for maintaining your well-being and becoming more influential in the long run.

4. Just Ask: The Simplest Way to Increase Your Influence

People who ask for what they want get better grades, more raises and promotions, bigger job opportunities, and even more orgasms.

Overcoming ask aversion. Many people hesitate to ask for what they want due to:

• Fear of rejection
• Underestimating their chances of success
• Concern about being perceived negatively

The power of asking. Research consistently shows that people are far more likely to say yes than we expect. By simply asking, you can:

• Unlock unexpected opportunities
• Gain valuable information
• Build stronger relationships

Strategies for effective asking:

• Be clear and direct
• Use "soft asks" to gauge interest
• Ask for permission to ask
• Frame requests as win-win situations
• Follow up persistently (but respectfully)

Remember, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. By cultivating the habit of asking, you significantly increase your chances of getting what you want and need in life.

5. Charisma: Shifting Focus from Yourself to Others

To connect with many people, connect with one.

The paradox of charisma. Trying to be charismatic often has the opposite effect. True charisma comes from genuinely shifting your focus to others.

Techniques for building charisma:

• Use fewer self-referential words (I, me, my)
• Ask thoughtful questions and practice deep listening
• Use people's names (but don't overdo it)
• Speak in your natural low register
• Master the power of the pause in public speaking
• Practice "shining" – making genuine connections one person at a time

The ripple effect. When you make a real connection with one person in a group, others feel it too. This creates a magnetic presence that draws people to you and makes them more open to your influence.

By cultivating these habits, you become someone people want to listen to, connect with, and ultimately say yes to. Remember, charisma isn't about being the center of attention, but about making others feel seen and valued.

6. Framing: The Art of Shaping Perceptions

Framing is how spellcasting works in the real world.

The power of frames. How you describe or label something profoundly affects how others perceive and respond to it. Skillful framing can:

• Determine what's relevant or important
• Shape expectations and interpretations
• Motivate action or inaction

Three powerful frames:

1. Monumental: Emphasizes importance, size, or urgency
2. Manageable: Makes big tasks or changes feel achievable
3. Mysterious: Sparks curiosity and engagement

Practical applications:

• Reframe problems as opportunities
• Use metaphors and analogies to simplify complex ideas
• Break large goals into smaller, manageable steps
• Create a sense of exclusivity or scarcity
• Highlight potential losses to motivate action

By mastering the art of framing, you can dramatically increase your ability to influence how others think, feel, and act in any given situation.

7. Handling Resistance: Aikido Moves for Difficult Conversations

Resistance wants to be witnessed.

The aikido approach. Instead of pushing back against resistance, learn to redirect it:

• Witness and explore their resistance
• Affirm their freedom of choice
• Use "soft asks" to gauge interest
• Be a "Kindly Brontosaurus" – patient and persistent

Practical techniques:

• Reflect back their concerns: "It sounds like you're worried about..."
• Ask permission: "Would it be okay if we discussed...?"
• Offer choices: "Which of these options feels better to you?"
• Use the magic question: "What would it take for...?"

Benefits of this approach:

• Reduces defensiveness
• Builds trust and rapport
• Uncovers valuable information
• Leads to more collaborative solutions

By approaching resistance with curiosity and respect, you create an environment where people feel heard and are more likely to be open to your influence.

8. Creative Negotiations: Baking a Bigger Pie Together

Negotiations professor Kimberly Elsbach observed screenplay ideas being pitched to fifty Hollywood executives over the course of six years to understand what was special about the pitches that led to successful deals.

Shift from competition to collaboration. The most successful negotiations focus on creating value for all parties, not just dividing a fixed pie.

The Value Creation Questions:

1. How could this be even better for me?
2. How could it be even better for them?
3. Who else could benefit?

Strategies for creative negotiations:

• Prepare thoroughly: Gather information, understand your leverage
• Ask questions and listen actively
• Offer multiple options (MESOs)
• Look for win-win solutions
• Be willing to walk away (but have a Face-Saving Plan B)

Benefits of collaborative negotiation:

• Builds stronger relationships
• Leads to more innovative solutions
• Creates more durable agreements
• Often results in better outcomes for all parties

By approaching negotiations with a creative, collaborative mindset, you can unlock value that neither party may have initially considered, leading to deals that truly satisfy everyone involved.

9. Moments of Truth: Timing Your Influence for Maximum Impact

When there isn't something in the zeitgeist to latch on to, you might be able to create your own moment of truth.

The power of timing. The effectiveness of your influence attempts often depends more on when you ask than how you ask or what you're asking for.

Identifying moments of truth:

• Times of change or transition
• When someone is facing a problem you can solve
• During emotional peaks (positive or negative)
• At natural decision points

Creating moments of truth:

• Use implementation intentions: "When X happens, I will do Y"
• Frame near-term decisions around concrete details
• Frame long-term decisions around abstract goals and values
• Leverage current events or trends
• Create urgency (but be ethical about it)

Practical applications:

• Time your requests when people are most likely to be receptive
• Structure environments to create natural decision points
• Use reminders and prompts to trigger desired behaviors
• Be prepared to act quickly when opportunities arise

By becoming attuned to these moments of truth and learning to create them, you can dramatically increase the impact of your influence attempts.

10. Defense Against Dark Arts: Recognizing Manipulation Tactics

Whenever you get a funny feeling about someone who's trying to influence you, or if you notice one of the other red flags listed here, be on the lookout for more.

Common manipulation tactics:

• The Ether: Overwhelming emotions to cloud judgment
• Urgency: Creating artificial time pressure
• Exclusivity: Appealing to status or FOMO
• Too Good to Be True: Offers that defy logic
• Half-Truths: Misleading through selective information
• Magical Thinking About Money: Unrealistic financial promises
• Ignoring Your Firm No: Persistent boundary violations
• Alternating Hot and Cold: Emotional manipulation

Developing your "Shark Detector":

• Trust your gut feelings (but verify with facts)
• Take time to make important decisions
• Ask probing questions
• Seek outside opinions
• Be wary of high-pressure tactics
• Research thoroughly before committing

Empowering yourself:

• Set clear boundaries and stick to them
• Learn to say "no" firmly and without guilt
• Educate yourself about common scams and manipulation techniques
• Practice assertiveness in low-stakes situations

By honing your ability to recognize these red flags, you protect yourself from harmful manipulation while becoming a more ethical and effective influencer yourself.

Last updated: August 23, 2024