Intimacy & Desire

1. Sexual desire problems are normal and can lead to personal growth

"There is always a low desire partner and a high desire partner—and there is one of each in every relationship."

Desire discrepancy is universal. Sexual desire problems are not a sign of dysfunction but a normal part of long-term relationships. They occur in all couples, regardless of age, gender, or sexual orientation. This universal experience stems from the human need for both autonomy and connection, which can create tension in relationships.

Growth opportunity. Rather than viewing desire problems as a relationship flaw, couples can see them as opportunities for personal and relational growth. These challenges push partners to develop:

• Better communication skills
• Increased self-awareness
• Greater empathy for their partner
• Enhanced emotional regulation

Evolutionary perspective. From an evolutionary standpoint, desire discrepancies have played a crucial role in human development. They have contributed to:

• The evolution of complex social behaviors
• The development of the human brain's capacity for empathy and understanding
• The formation of long-term pair bonds that benefit child-rearing

2. The low desire partner controls sex, affecting relationship dynamics

"The low desire partner always controls sex."

Power dynamics. This fundamental principle of sexual relationships creates an inherent power dynamic. The low desire partner (LDP) has de facto control over when, where, and how sex occurs, which can lead to:

• Frustration and resentment in the high desire partner (HDP)
• Feelings of pressure and guilt in the LDP
• Emotional gridlock and communication breakdown

Impact on self-worth. The LDP's control often extends beyond sex, affecting:

• The HDP's sense of desirability and self-worth
• The overall emotional climate of the relationship
• Decision-making processes in other areas of the relationship

Breaking the cycle. Recognizing this dynamic is crucial for both partners to:

• Develop empathy for each other's position
• Find ways to negotiate desires and needs more effectively
• Work towards a more balanced and mutually satisfying sexual relationship

3. Developing a solid flexible self is crucial for healthy relationships

"A solid flexible self is arguably humankind's most unique evolutionary achievement: It makes freedom, autonomy, choice, and self-determination possible."

Four Points of Balance. The author introduces the concept of the Four Points of Balance as key to developing a solid flexible self:

1. Solid Flexible Self: Maintaining a clear sense of identity while adapting to relationship demands
2. Quiet Mind–Calm Heart: Ability to self-soothe and regulate emotions
3. Grounded Responding: Staying calm and non-reactive when faced with partner's anxiety
4. Meaningful Endurance: Capacity to face challenges for personal growth

Benefits of a solid flexible self. Developing these qualities leads to:

• Increased emotional resilience
• Better conflict resolution skills
• Enhanced intimacy and connection
• More satisfying sexual relationships

Personal growth focus. Rather than solely focusing on fixing the relationship, partners are encouraged to work on their individual development. This shift in focus often naturally resolves many relationship issues, including desire discrepancies.

4. Emotional gridlock is a common but resolvable relationship challenge

"Emotional gridlock is when what you want to do blocks what your partner wants to do, and vice versa."

Nature of gridlock. Emotional gridlock occurs when:

• Partners' desires or needs are in direct conflict
• Neither partner is willing or able to compromise
• Communication breaks down and resentment builds

Common gridlock areas:

• Sexual frequency and preferences
• Financial decisions
• Parenting styles
• Relationships with extended family

Resolution strategies. Overcoming gridlock involves:

1. Recognizing it as a normal part of relationships
2. Developing individual emotional regulation skills
3. Practicing self-validated intimacy
4. Focusing on personal growth rather than changing the partner
5. Building a resilient collaborative alliance

5. Intimacy shapes sexual desire and requires both partners' engagement

"Intimacy is a system, just like sexual desire."

Types of intimacy. The author distinguishes between two forms of intimacy:

1. Other-validated intimacy: Dependent on partner's approval and validation
2. Self-validated intimacy: Stems from internal self-worth and authenticity

Impact on desire. The type and quality of intimacy in a relationship directly affects sexual desire by:

• Influencing emotional connection and trust
• Shaping partners' sense of safety and vulnerability
• Affecting overall relationship satisfaction

Cultivating healthy intimacy. To enhance intimacy and desire, couples can:

• Practice open and honest communication
• Engage in non-sexual physical affection
• Share personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences
• Support each other's personal growth and autonomy

6. Monogamy can evolve from martyrdom to freedom with personal growth

"Monogamy is not a promise; it's a system involving your Four Points of Balance."

Reframing monogamy. Instead of viewing monogamy as a restrictive promise, it can be seen as:

• A dynamic system that evolves with personal growth
• An opportunity for deepening intimacy and trust
• A challenge that promotes individual development

From constraint to choice. As partners develop their Four Points of Balance, monogamy can shift from:

• Feeling like a burden to feeling like a freely chosen commitment
• Creating resentment to fostering mutual respect and appreciation
• Limiting sexual expression to expanding erotic possibilities within the relationship

Keys to positive monogamy:

• Ongoing personal growth and self-development
• Open communication about needs and desires
• Mutual support for individual pursuits and interests
• Regular relationship check-ins and adjustments

7. Desire fades when personal growth stagnates in relationships

"Sexual boredom is normal."

Root causes of fading desire:

• Lack of personal development and new experiences
• Over-familiarity and predictability in the relationship
• Unresolved emotional issues and resentments
• Decreased effort in maintaining physical and emotional connection

Reigniting desire through growth. To combat fading desire, partners can:

• Pursue individual interests and passions
• Share new experiences together
• Challenge comfort zones in and out of the bedroom
• Continuously work on self-improvement and emotional intelligence

Balancing familiarity and novelty. Healthy long-term relationships require:

• A foundation of trust and stability
• Regular infusions of novelty and excitement
• Mutual support for personal growth and change
• Willingness to evolve together as individuals and as a couple

8. Two-choice dilemmas are inherent in relationships and shape desire

"A two-choice dilemma is when you want two choices but you only get one."

Common relationship dilemmas:

• Wanting security vs. craving excitement
• Desiring intimacy vs. fearing vulnerability
• Seeking autonomy vs. needing connection
• Maintaining individuality vs. merging identities

Impact on desire. Two-choice dilemmas affect sexual desire by:

• Creating internal conflict and anxiety
• Leading to emotional withdrawal or over-dependence
• Causing resentment when partners feel forced to choose

Navigating dilemmas. To manage two-choice dilemmas effectively:

• Recognize them as normal and unavoidable
• Communicate openly about conflicting needs and desires
• Practice flexibility and compromise
• Focus on creating win-win solutions when possible
• Accept that some choices involve necessary trade-offs

9. Normal marital sadism can damage relationships if left unchecked

"Normal marital sadism (also known as NMS) involves pleasure derived from inflicting psychological pain or abuse, but stops short of physical domestic violence."

Forms of marital sadism:

• Emotional manipulation and guilt-tripping
• Withholding affection or sex as punishment
• Verbal put-downs and criticism
• Passive-aggressive behaviors

Roots of NMS:

• Unresolved childhood issues
• Poor emotional regulation skills
• Desire for control and power in the relationship
• Fear of vulnerability and intimacy

Addressing NMS. To combat normal marital sadism:

1. Recognize and acknowledge sadistic behaviors in oneself and partner
2. Develop empathy and compassion for each other
3. Practice healthy communication and conflict resolution skills
4. Seek professional help if patterns persist or escalate

10. Achieving critical mass is key to fundamental relationship change

"Critical mass is the anxiety and pressure required to trigger fundamental change."

Nature of critical mass. In relationships, critical mass:

• Is not necessarily a dramatic event or argument
• Often manifests as a quiet, intense realization
• Signals a point of no return in the current dynamic

Catalysts for critical mass:

• Accumulation of unresolved issues over time
• A significant life event or crisis
• One partner's sudden growth or change
• External pressures (e.g., financial stress, health issues)

Leveraging critical mass for positive change:

1. Recognize when critical mass has been reached
2. Stay grounded and avoid impulsive reactions
3. Use the moment as an opportunity for honest communication
4. Commit to making necessary changes individually and as a couple
5. Seek professional guidance if needed to navigate the transition

11. Building a collaborative alliance is essential for resolving desire issues

"A collaborative alliance is an informal agreement based on mutual interest, an unwritten treaty of union, coalition, and friendship that brings out the best in both of you."

Elements of a collaborative alliance:

• Mutual respect and trust
• Shared goals and commitment to growth
• Open and honest communication
• Willingness to support each other's individual needs

Benefits in addressing desire issues:

• Creates a safe space for vulnerability and exploration
• Fosters empathy and understanding of each other's perspectives
• Encourages creative problem-solving and compromise
• Strengthens overall relationship satisfaction

Building and maintaining the alliance:

1. Practice active listening and validation
2. Focus on common goals rather than individual grievances
3. Regularly check in on the state of the alliance
4. Celebrate small victories and progress together
5. Be willing to repair and rebuild the alliance after conflicts

12. Overcoming physical barriers like ticklishness can reignite desire

"Ticklishness is a disagreeable tingling sensation, distinct from itching or pressure. It is often accompanied by nervousness, involuntary squirming, twitching, and laughter."

Impact on intimacy. Ticklishness and similar physical sensitivities can:

• Create barriers to physical affection and sexual touch
• Lead to anxiety and avoidance of intimate situations
• Reinforce negative associations with physical closeness

Addressing ticklishness:

1. Acknowledge the issue openly and non-judgmentally
2. Practice gradual desensitization through gentle touch exercises
3. Use breathing and relaxation techniques to reduce reactivity
4. Communicate clearly about comfortable and uncomfortable sensations
5. Explore alternative forms of physical intimacy and sensual touch

Benefits of overcoming physical barriers:

• Increased comfort with physical closeness
• Enhanced ability to give and receive pleasure
• Greater overall intimacy and connection in the relationship
• Renewed sense of playfulness and exploration in physical interactions

Last updated: May 1, 2025