It's Not All About Me

1. Time Constraints: Start with an End in Sight

For this reason, the first step in the process of developing great rapport and having great conversations is letting the other person know that there is an end in sight, and it is really close.

Reduce perceived threat. When initiating a conversation with a stranger, the uncertainty of its duration can create discomfort. By establishing artificial time constraints, you alleviate this anxiety, making the other person more receptive to engagement. This can be done explicitly, by stating you have to leave soon, or implicitly, by actions like finishing a meal or looking at your watch.

Implied time limits. The author shares an example of using a finished salad as an implied time constraint. By signaling that he was about to leave, he lowered the perceived risk for the stranger, who then engaged in a 30-minute conversation. This demonstrates that the perception of a limited time frame is more important than the actual time.

Confidence in the process. The technique is designed to work with human biology and genetics, maximizing the potential for success. When you have confidence in the process, you appear calmer and less awkward, further reducing any perceived threat. This is a critical first step in building rapport.

2. Nonverbal Accommodation: Look and Feel Approachable

Smiling is the number one nonverbal technique you should utilize to look more accommodating.

Smiling is key. A genuine smile is a powerful tool for establishing rapport. It signals friendliness and approachability, making others more comfortable engaging with you. This is a baseline behavior that can be enhanced with other nonverbal cues.

Subtle head displays. Adding a slight head tilt shows comfort and trust, while a slightly lowered chin angle avoids the impression of arrogance. These subtle adjustments can significantly impact how others perceive you. The author provides a practice exercise to help you become more aware of your nonverbal cues.

Body angle and handshake. A slight body angle, rather than facing someone directly, is less intimidating. An accommodating handshake matches the other person's strength and uses a palm-up angle, signaling openness rather than dominance. These nonverbal cues work together to create a welcoming presence.

3. Speech Tempo: Slow Down to Connect

When individuals speak slowly and clearly, they tend to sound more credible than those who speak quickly.

Credibility through pace. Speaking slowly and clearly enhances credibility. A faster rate of speech can be perceived as overselling or insincere. This is especially important when trying to build trust and rapport.

Extroversion and demographics. Our natural rate of speech is influenced by factors like extroversion and demographics. Extroverts may speak faster due to increased energy, while regional differences can also affect speech tempo. The author shares a personal anecdote about how he learned to slow down his speech to enhance his credibility.

Conscious modification. While our natural rate of speech is influenced by biology and genetics, we can consciously modify it when needed. This is similar to learning to write with your non-dominant hand. Having the tools to modify our behavior empowers us to interact more effectively.

4. Sympathy & Assistance: The Power of Helping

I have personally found that there is no greater theme and tool for eliciting individuals for action, information, and a great conversation than the use of sympathy or assistance.

Biological compulsion. Humans are biologically conditioned to accommodate requests for assistance. This is rooted in our evolutionary history, where helping others ensured reciprocal support. The key is to make the request simple, non-threatening, and of limited duration.

Avoiding romantic motives. The author emphasizes the importance of avoiding any impression of romantic interest. He often uses the theme of doing something special for his wife to ensure that his intentions are clear. This helps maintain the focus on the conversation and avoid discomfort.

Third-party references. The author uses a story about a breakfast buffet to illustrate how to use a third-party reference to initiate a conversation. By expressing a shared need (for something sweet), he created an opportunity for engagement. This demonstrates the power of using a common interest to build rapport.

5. Ego Suspension: It's Not About You

Suspending our individual ego is the most difficult because of our genetics.

Genetic self-centeredness. Human beings are genetically coded to be self-centered for survival. Suspending our ego, therefore, is a challenging but effective technique for building rapport. It involves prioritizing the other person's needs and perceptions over your own.

Road rage example. The author shares a story about a road rage incident where he consciously suspended his ego by apologizing, even though he felt he was not at fault. This de-escalated the situation and allowed him to achieve his objective of getting home safely. This demonstrates the power of putting the other person's needs first.

Focus on their story. True ego suspension means listening without interjecting your own thoughts or stories. It's about allowing the other person to share their experiences without judgment. This creates a safe space for them to open up and build trust.

6. Validation: Make Others Feel Heard

The simplest validation that can be given to another individual is simply listening.

Dopamine release. Validation releases dopamine in the brain, creating a pleasurable feeling. This is why people often continue talking even when they initially said they had to leave. The act of being heard and accepted is intrinsically rewarding.

Three types of validation. The author identifies three types of validation: listening, thoughtfulness, and validating thoughts and opinions. Listening involves giving your full attention, thoughtfulness involves showing care and consideration, and validating thoughts and opinions involves acknowledging and respecting their perspectives.

Confidential human sources. The author shares an example of how he used listening to build strong relationships with confidential human sources. By focusing on their stories and experiences, he created a sense of trust and connection. This demonstrates the power of validation in building rapport.

7. Strategic Questions: How, When, and Why

A key step to strengthening the emotional connection in any relationship is to anchor or solidify the relationship with “how, when, and why” questions.

Open-ended questions. Asking "how," "when," and "why" questions encourages deeper conversation and allows the other person to share more about themselves. These questions require more than a simple yes or no answer, leading to richer and more meaningful interactions.

Threading the conversation. The author uses an example of a conversation in a Panera restaurant to illustrate how to thread a conversation by using the content provided by the other person. This involves asking follow-up questions based on what they have already shared.

Additional techniques. The author also highlights the importance of minimal encouragers, reflective questions, emotional labeling, paraphrasing, pauses, and summarizing. These techniques demonstrate active listening and encourage the other person to continue sharing.

8. Quid Pro Quo: Give a Little to Get a Little

Sometimes you have to give to get.

Subtle reciprocity. Quid pro quo involves sharing a little about yourself to encourage the other person to do the same. This technique is most useful when interacting with introverted or guarded individuals, or when someone suddenly feels awkward about how much they've been talking.

Introverted individuals. The author shares an example of a flight where he used quid pro quo to engage a woman who was initially focused on her work. By sharing photos of his children, he created a connection and made her feel more comfortable.

Avoiding oversharing. The key is to use quid pro quo sparingly and only as much as needed. The focus should always remain on the other person, not yourself. This technique is about creating a sense of balance and mutual sharing.

9. Gift Giving: The Reciprocal Nature of Kindness

Great rapport builders and conversationalists use this desire proactively during every conversation.

Genetic predisposition. Gift giving, or reciprocal altruism, is hardwired in our genetics. This is rooted in our evolutionary history, where sharing resources ensured survival. This creates a compulsion to reciprocate gifts given.

Non-material gifts. The author emphasizes that gifts come in many forms, including non-material gifts like the gift of "focus." By giving your full attention and validation, you are giving a valuable gift that people are compelled to reciprocate.

Material gifts. The author also shares examples of how he uses material gifts, like hand sanitizer and breath mints, to initiate conversations. These small tokens create a sense of reciprocity and make people more receptive to engagement. The key is to give without expectation of immediate return.

10. Manage Expectations: Focus on Their Needs

The individuals in life that are able to either mask their agenda or shift the agenda to something altruistic will have great success at building rapport.

Shifting the agenda. Managing expectations involves shifting your focus from your own agenda to the needs and perceptions of the other person. This reduces potential disappointment and creates a more positive interaction.

Realtor example. The author shares an example of a realtor who focused on finding the perfect home for his clients, rather than maximizing his own profit. This approach built trust and loyalty, demonstrating the power of managing expectations.

FBI example. The author also shares an example of how he managed his expectations when approaching potential spies. By shifting his focus from getting a "yes" to providing an opportunity, he reduced his anxiety and created a more positive interaction. The key is to focus on their benefit, not yours.

Last updated: January 26, 2025