Knocking Myself Up

1. Embracing the Messy, Hopeful Journey of Self-Insemination

The process of deciding to have a baby and then going through with it is a rollicking ride regardless of who you are and what your situation might be.

Unconventional Beginnings. Michelle Tea embarks on a journey to conceive as a single, queer woman, challenging traditional notions of family and motherhood. She navigates the complexities of self-insemination with humor, irreverence, and a willingness to embrace the unknown.

Inner World. The book delves into Tea's inner world, revealing the wild, messy, hopeful, dizzy, tragic, and terrifying aspects of deciding to have a baby. It's a journey marked by self-doubt, economic anxieties, and the basic terror of the unknown.

Universal Story. Despite the unique circumstances, Tea's story resonates with anyone contemplating parenthood. It's a tale of choice, daring, and transformation, highlighting the profound impact of the decision to create a new life.

2. Navigating the Complexities of Queer Family Building

When I set out to try to knock myself up, I had pledged to not be precious about it.

Redefining Family. Tea's journey challenges traditional family structures, showcasing the diverse ways queer individuals create families. She seeks sperm from friends, navigates the complexities of co-parenting, and ultimately finds love and partnership with Orson.

Community Support. The book emphasizes the importance of community in queer family building. Tea relies on her friends, particularly Rhonda and Quentin, for support, sperm donation, and practical assistance.

Privilege and Access. Tea acknowledges her privilege in accessing resources for self-insemination, including health insurance and supportive friends. She also confronts the economic barriers that many queer individuals face in pursuing parenthood.

3. The Highs and Lows of Fertility Treatments and the Biological Clock

Horrifyingly, I learned, your eggs are best during the fragile era of your late teens/early twenties.

Facing the Clock. Tea grapples with the ticking biological clock, acknowledging the challenges of conceiving in her forties. She researches fertility treatments, consults with doctors, and ultimately decides to pursue IVF.

Emotional Toll. The book candidly portrays the emotional rollercoaster of fertility treatments, including the hope, disappointment, and frustration that accompany each cycle. Tea experiences the pain of negative pregnancy tests and the grief of miscarriage.

Financial Burden. Tea confronts the high cost of fertility treatments, navigating the complexities of insurance coverage and weighing the financial implications of pursuing IVF. She questions the ethics of the "infertility industrial complex."

4. Love and Partnership Amidst the Baby-Making Chaos

Beneath the extreme lack of faith I had in my ability to make sound romantic choices lurked a darker, sadder “conclusion”: that love, romantic love, didn’t actually exist.

Unexpected Romance. Amidst the baby-making chaos, Tea finds love with Orson, a supportive and understanding partner who shares her desire for a family. Their relationship provides stability and joy during a challenging time.

Shared Dreams. Orson's presence transforms Tea's journey, offering a sense of partnership and shared purpose. They navigate the complexities of fertility treatments together, supporting each other through the emotional ups and downs.

Redefining Relationships. Tea and Orson challenge traditional relationship norms, creating a unique dynamic that prioritizes honesty, communication, and mutual support. They redefine what it means to be a couple in the context of queer family building.

5. Redefining Motherhood and Challenging Societal Norms

Throughout my twenties, I thought of pregnancy the same way I thought of any STD, but with a dose of the movie Alien.

Challenging Stereotypes. Tea subverts societal expectations of motherhood, rejecting the idea that it is the most important or sacred thing a woman can do. She embraces irreverence, humor, and a gossipy tone to humanize the journey.

Queer Motherhood. The book explores the unique challenges and joys of queer motherhood, including navigating heteronormative medical systems and creating a supportive community. Tea seeks to redefine what it means to be a mother on her own terms.

Embracing Imperfection. Tea rejects the pressure to be a perfect mother, acknowledging her own flaws and vulnerabilities. She embraces the messy, imperfect reality of parenthood, finding strength in her authenticity.

6. The Emotional Rollercoaster of Hope, Disappointment, and Acceptance

My inner Yes and No merged into a gray fog of ambivalence.

Navigating Ambivalence. Tea grapples with ambivalence about motherhood, torn between her desire for a child and her love for her existing life. She confronts her fears, anxieties, and self-doubts throughout the journey.

Coping with Loss. The book explores the emotional impact of miscarriage, including the grief, sadness, and sense of loss that accompany it. Tea finds solace in her community and learns to navigate the complexities of grief.

Finding Acceptance. Despite the challenges, Tea ultimately finds acceptance and gratitude for her journey, regardless of the outcome. She embraces the uncertainty of the future and focuses on the present moment.

7. Finding Joy and Gratitude in the Unpredictable Path to Parenthood

I set forth on this one and found turning back from it to be impossible.

Embracing the Unexpected. Tea's journey takes unexpected turns, leading her to new relationships, new understandings of herself, and new perspectives on life. She learns to embrace the unpredictable nature of the path to parenthood.

Gratitude for the Present. Despite the challenges, Tea finds joy and gratitude in her life, appreciating the love, support, and community that surround her. She focuses on the present moment, finding contentment in the midst of uncertainty.

Redefining Success. The book challenges traditional definitions of success, suggesting that happiness and fulfillment can be found in unexpected places. Tea learns to redefine her own definition of success, embracing the journey rather than fixating on the outcome.

8. The Power of Community and Chosen Family in the Quest for a Child

We were together in a bright and special plot.

Chosen Family. Tea's journey highlights the importance of chosen family, the network of friends and loved ones who provide support, love, and acceptance. Her friends play a crucial role in her decision to pursue parenthood and her ability to navigate the challenges along the way.

Community Support. The book emphasizes the power of community in overcoming adversity. Tea relies on her friends for practical assistance, emotional support, and a sense of belonging.

Shared Experiences. Tea finds solace in sharing her experiences with others, both online and in person. She connects with other women who are navigating fertility treatments, finding comfort and validation in their shared struggles.

Last updated: January 23, 2025