Labor of Love

1. Dating evolved from supervised courtship to a market-driven activity

"Dating did not entirely break down these old biases and barriers. The middle- and upper-class men who frequented saloons and speakeasies did not all marry the Charity Girls they treated."

From parlors to public spaces. The shift from supervised courtship to dating moved romance from private homes to public venues like dance halls, movie theaters, and restaurants. This gave young people more freedom but also introduced economic factors into courtship.

A new social activity emerges. Dating became a distinct social practice in the early 20th century as more young people moved to cities for work. It allowed men and women to interact without close family supervision for the first time.

• Key factors in the rise of dating:
  • Urbanization and changing work patterns
  • New entertainment venues (dance halls, movies, etc.)
  • Increased mobility and independence for youth
  • Shifting social norms around courtship

2. Technology and social changes transformed dating norms and expectations

"Surfing was the new cruising, and it could change lives."

The digital revolution. The rise of personal computers, mobile phones, and the internet dramatically altered how people meet and interact romantically. Online dating sites and apps expanded the pool of potential partners but also changed expectations around communication and commitment.

New modes of connection. Technology enabled new forms of romantic interaction like video dating, chat rooms, and eventually smartphone apps. This expanded opportunities but also created new anxieties and social norms around dating.

• Key technological influences:
  • Online dating sites and apps
  • Social media
  • Text messaging and instant communication
  • Video chat and long-distance dating

3. The sexual revolution reshaped attitudes toward relationships and intimacy

"The sexual revolution did not take things too far. It did not take things far enough."

Challenging traditional norms. The sexual revolution of the 1960s and 70s promoted greater sexual freedom and challenged traditional relationship structures. This led to more open attitudes toward premarital sex, cohabitation, and non-traditional relationships.

Ongoing debates. While the sexual revolution expanded personal freedoms, it also sparked ongoing cultural debates about morality, gender roles, and the purpose of romantic relationships. Some saw it as liberating while others worried about its societal impact.

• Key changes from the sexual revolution:
  • More acceptance of premarital sex
  • Rise of cohabitation before marriage
  • Greater openness about sexuality
  • Challenges to traditional gender roles in relationships

4. Dating became increasingly stratified by class and demographic factors

"Assortative mating patterns reinforced themselves."

Social sorting in romance. As dating became more market-driven, it increasingly sorted people by social class, education level, and other demographic factors. This trend accelerated with online dating, which allowed for more precise filtering of potential partners.

The rise of niche dating. Specialized dating services emerged to cater to specific demographics, interests, and lifestyles. This allowed for more targeted matchmaking but also potentially reinforced social divisions.

• Factors influencing dating stratification:
  • Education level
  • Income and career
  • Cultural background
  • Political views
  • Lifestyle preferences

5. Self-help and dating advice industries emerged to guide romantic pursuits

"Self-help books have an obvious incentive to mystify men to women, and vice versa."

A booming advice market. As dating norms became less rigid, a thriving industry of self-help books, dating coaches, and relationship experts emerged to guide people through the complexities of modern romance.

Conflicting advice. Dating advice often reinforced gender stereotypes and promoted manipulative tactics. Different experts offered contradictory guidance, reflecting ongoing cultural debates about the nature of attraction and relationships.

• Common themes in dating advice:
  • Rules for playing "hard to get"
  • Decoding the opposite sex's behavior
  • Strategies for increasing attractiveness
  • Tips for navigating online dating

6. Gender roles and power dynamics shifted but remained influential in dating

"To save courtship, women had to cover up the fact that changes in the economy were changing gender roles and relations."

Evolving expectations. While traditional gender roles in dating loosened over time, they continued to shape expectations and behaviors. Women gained more agency in initiating relationships, but stereotypes about male pursuit and female restraint persisted.

Ongoing negotiations. As women's economic and social power increased, romantic relationships became sites of negotiation over changing gender norms. This led to both progress and tension as people navigated evolving expectations.

• Areas of gender role evolution in dating:
  • Who initiates dates
  • Who pays for dates
  • Expression of sexual desire
  • Balancing career and relationship goals

7. Economic factors and changing life trajectories impacted dating patterns

"Time is money. As schoolchildren, we learned that Benjamin Franklin said this."

New timelines for romance. As people began marrying later and pursuing longer educations, the timeline for serious relationships shifted. This created extended periods of dating and more emphasis on individual development before partnership.

Financial considerations. Economic factors like student debt, housing costs, and job instability influenced how and when people pursued serious relationships. This led to trends like increased cohabitation before marriage.

• Economic influences on dating:
  • Delayed marriage and childbearing
  • Rise of long-term cohabitation
  • Emphasis on career before serious partnership
  • Financial stability as relationship criteria

8. Dating culture reflected broader societal changes and anxieties

"Living in New York," he recalled, felt like "attending a dinner party at which some of the guests were being taken out and shot, while the rest of us were expected to continue eating and make small talk."

A mirror of society. Dating trends often reflected broader cultural shifts and anxieties. For example, the AIDS crisis of the 1980s dramatically impacted dating norms and safety considerations.

Changing priorities. As societal values evolved, so did relationship goals. There was less emphasis on finding a lifelong partner early and more focus on personal growth, career development, and exploration before settling down.

• Societal factors influencing dating:
  • Changing views on marriage and family
  • Increased acceptance of diverse sexualities and relationship structures
  • Work-life balance concerns
  • Globalization and cross-cultural relationships

9. New technologies created both opportunities and challenges for dating

"Online dating's a part time job," a banner across their website trumpets. "Let our experts do it for you!"

Expanded possibilities. Dating apps and websites dramatically increased the pool of potential partners and allowed for more targeted searches. This created new opportunities but also led to issues like choice overload and commodification of relationships.

New social norms. Technology reshaped how people communicate and build relationships. This led to new dating etiquette around texting, social media, and online profiles, as well as concerns about privacy and authenticity.

• Technological impacts on dating:
  • Increased access to potential partners
  • Rise of long-distance relationships
  • New forms of romantic communication (texting, video chat, etc.)
  • Concerns about online safety and catfishing

Last updated: April 29, 2025