Look at Me!

1. Early Life Marked by Instability and Trauma

Jahseh was used to feeling like he was never enough for anyone to keep him around for a long period of time, so he got used to exaggerating things.

A transient childhood. Born Jahseh Onfroy in Florida in 1998, his early years were marked by frequent moves and a lack of stable parental figures. His father, Dwayne Onfroy, was incarcerated when Jahseh was ten, and his relationship with his mother, Cleopatra Bernard, was strained, leading him to often live with his grandmother or couch-surf. This instability contributed to feelings of abandonment and a tendency to exaggerate experiences.

Early behavioral issues. Jahseh displayed creative talent early on but also struggled with anger and violence, getting into frequent fights at school. Friends recall him fighting for attention, practice, or respect, sometimes channeling his aggression to defend others but often simply enjoying the conflict. This behavior worsened after his father's imprisonment and led to his expulsion from middle school and early brushes with the juvenile justice system.

Lingering effects of trauma. Beyond the instability, X alluded to deeper traumas, including witnessing violence against his mother and potential abuse. These experiences, coupled with the absence of a consistent father figure during crucial developmental years, likely contributed to his struggles with attachment, control, and emotional regulation, shaping the complex and often contradictory personality he would later display.

2. Jamaican Heritage Shaped Identity and Music

Jahseh’s Jamaican heritage was an indisputably large part of his identity.

Cultural roots. Both of Jahseh's parents were Jamaican immigrants who settled in South Florida, an area with a large Caribbean population often called "Jamaica Hill." His father and grandfather were Rastafarian, and his name, Jahseh, was reportedly inspired by Bob Marley's song "So Jah Seh." This cultural background instilled in him a strong sense of identity and a drive to succeed, particularly to make his family proud.

Musical influence. Jamaican music, from reggae and dancehall to dub and ska, has profoundly influenced Western popular music, including hip-hop. X's music often incorporated elements of these genres, from patois slang in his lyrics to collaborations with reggae producers like JonFX. This genre blending was not just a musical choice but also an expression of his heritage and a way to connect with his mother, whose opinion he valued most.

Contradictions and complexities. While proud of his roots, X also challenged certain aspects of Jamaican culture, such as traditional views on masculinity and sexuality. His openness about practices considered taboo in some Caribbean communities, like cunnilingus, demonstrated a divergence from cultural norms, highlighting the complex interplay between his upbringing and his desire to forge his own path.

3. Rise to Fame Fueled by Internet Culture and Controversy

XXXTENTACION was a crisis star.

SoundCloud origins. X's career took off on SoundCloud, a platform that allowed artists to bypass traditional industry gatekeepers and build direct connections with fans. His early, raw, and genre-bending tracks, often produced with lo-fi aesthetics, resonated with a young audience seeking something different from mainstream hip-hop. This era of "SoundCloud rap" fostered a DIY ethos and a focus on personality as much as talent.

Viral moments and media attention. X's fame was significantly amplified by viral moments, including videos of his fights and controversial social media posts. His spat with Drake over alleged flow-stealing brought him national attention, while his legal troubles and mugshot became ubiquitous online. This constant stream of controversy, though often negative, kept him in the public eye and, paradoxically, fueled his rise, demonstrating the "no such thing as bad publicity" phenomenon in the internet age.

A reflection of the times. X's career trajectory mirrored the chaotic and attention-driven nature of the modern internet era. In a world saturated with information and vying for attention, his ability to cut through the noise, whether through shocking behavior or raw vulnerability, made him a compelling figure. His story became intertwined with the anxieties of his generation, from mental health struggles to the pervasive need to be seen and acknowledged online.

4. Volatile Behavior Defined Relationships and Public Image

Was Jahseh always an angry and violent kid, or did circumstances make him that way?

A duality of personality. Those who knew X often described a stark contrast between his public persona and private interactions. He could be kind, empathetic, and deeply caring towards friends and fans, offering emotional support and encouragement. Simultaneously, he exhibited extreme anger, paranoia, and a propensity for violence, sometimes testing the loyalty of those closest to him through aggressive outbursts.

Cycles of conflict. His relationships, both personal and professional, were frequently marked by conflict and dramatic falling-outs. Friends and collaborators often found themselves navigating his unpredictable temper and controlling tendencies. While some attributed this to his difficult upbringing and struggles with mental health, others saw it as manipulative behavior fueled by insecurity and a desire for control.

Public perception vs. private reality. The media often focused on his most controversial actions, painting a picture of a purely monstrous figure. However, accounts from those who knew him reveal a more complex individual capable of both profound cruelty and genuine compassion. This dichotomy made him a deeply divisive figure, challenging audiences to reconcile the artist they admired with the person accused of abhorrent acts.

5. The Abusive and Complex Relationship with Geneva Ayala

People often fail to understand why women don’t leave their abusers at the first sign of violence.

An intense, codependent bond. X's relationship with Geneva Ayala was central to his life and public narrative during a crucial period of his rise. Their connection was intense from the start, fueled by shared experiences of trauma and instability. Geneva, who had also faced homelessness and difficult family circumstances, found a temporary haven with X, leading to a codependent dynamic.

Allegations of severe abuse. Geneva's detailed testimony described a pattern of escalating violence, threats, and control, including physical beatings, strangulation, and psychological manipulation. These allegations, leaked publicly, brought the severity of domestic abuse into the spotlight and became inextricably linked to X's image, sparking widespread condemnation and debate about his character and the ethics of supporting his music.

A cycle of violence and reconciliation. Despite the abuse, Geneva's account also highlighted the complex nature of their relationship, including periods of apology and attempts at reconciliation, consistent with the "cycle of abuse." Her struggles with mental health and past trauma, combined with X's own issues, created a volatile environment. Even after pressing charges and facing harassment from his fans, her feelings towards X remained complicated, reflecting the deep emotional ties that can bind victims to their abusers.

6. Legal Battles and Incarceration Amplified Fame

No musician had ever gotten so famous in jail before.

A history of arrests. X's legal troubles began in his youth with charges for robbery and battery, leading to time in juvenile detention and behavioral programs. These early experiences in the penal system, particularly adult jail, were described by X as profoundly impactful, shaping his worldview and survival instincts.

High-profile charges. The charges for aggravated battery of a pregnant woman, domestic battery by strangulation, and false imprisonment related to Geneva Ayala brought his legal issues to national attention. While awaiting trial, he faced additional charges for witness tampering, leading to further incarceration. These serious allegations became a dominant part of his public narrative.

Fame behind bars. Paradoxically, X's time in jail coincided with a massive surge in his popularity. The "Free X" campaign, fueled by his dedicated online fanbase and the controversy surrounding his case, propelled his song "Look At Me!" up the charts. This period demonstrated how, in the age of internet virality, legal troubles could amplify, rather than hinder, an artist's fame, a phenomenon that both fascinated and disturbed observers.

7. Music Blended Genres and Reflected Inner Struggles

Between his three studio albums, X explored rap, trap, metal, emo, screamo, folk, lo-fi, rock, reggaetón, salsa, and punk.

A unique sonic identity. X was not easily categorized within traditional hip-hop. His music drew heavily from a wide range of genres, including rock, metal, emo, and R&B, often blending them in unconventional ways. This experimental approach, characterized by distorted bass, raw vocals, and sudden shifts in mood and style, set him apart from his peers and resonated with a generation that consumed music across genre boundaries.

Emotional vulnerability in lyrics. While some tracks were aggressive and confrontational, much of X's music was marked by profound emotional vulnerability. He openly addressed themes of depression, anxiety, loneliness, suicidal ideation, and heartbreak in his lyrics, providing a voice for young listeners struggling with similar issues. This rawness contrasted with the often bravado-driven nature of mainstream hip-hop.

Evolution of sound. His albums, particularly 17 and ?, showcased a significant evolution in his artistry, moving towards more melodic and introspective sounds while still retaining elements of his earlier abrasive style. Collaborations with producers like John Cunningham helped refine his sound, demonstrating a willingness to grow creatively despite his chaotic personal life.

8. Deep Connection with Fans Centered on Mental Health

Even after achieving worldwide fame, X regularly answered cries for help or expressions of loneliness from his fans on social media.

A therapist-like role. X cultivated an unusually close relationship with his fanbase, often interacting with them directly on social media. He shared his struggles openly and encouraged fans to discuss their own mental health issues, positioning himself as a confidante and source of support. This made him a guru-like figure for many, who credited his music and words with helping them through difficult times.

Advocacy for mental well-being. Following the death of his friend Jocelyn Flores and the rise in suicide rates among young people, X became a vocal advocate for mental health awareness. He used his platform to encourage fans to seek help, talk about their feelings, and support one another, a message that resonated deeply with his audience.

Unwavering loyalty. X's fans displayed an intense and often fiercely loyal devotion, supporting him through controversies and legal troubles. This loyalty was a source of strength for X, who often expressed gratitude for their energy and dedication. However, this devotion sometimes manifested in negative ways, such as harassing those who spoke out against him.

9. Late-Life Efforts Towards Change and Charity

I think he was only moving forward.

A shift in focus. In the months leading up to his death, many close to X observed a significant shift in his behavior and priorities. He seemed to be actively working on managing his anger, reducing drug use, and seeking a more peaceful and stable life, particularly after starting a serious relationship with Jenesis Sanchez.

Philanthropic endeavors. X began engaging in charitable activities, donating to organizations, visiting foster homes and shelters, and launching the "Helping Hand Challenge" to encourage fans to perform acts of kindness. While some questioned the sincerity of these efforts given his past, those involved in the charity work described his genuine desire to help others, particularly disadvantaged youth.

Seeking reconciliation and growth. He made efforts to reconcile with estranged friends and collaborators, acknowledging past mistakes. He also expressed interest in furthering his education and personal development, suggesting a desire for a future beyond the chaos that had defined much of his life. These changes, though tragically cut short, indicated a potential path towards redemption.

10. Tragic Death Cemented a Divisive and Enduring Legacy

At the time when, when he should have been happiest at the way his life turned around and where it was headed, is when it was cut short.

A sudden and public end. X was murdered during an armed robbery in Florida at the age of twenty, just as his career and personal life seemed to be entering a more stable phase. The immediate and widespread dissemination of videos from the scene made his death a shocking and visceral event for millions worldwide.

Posthumous success and debate. His death triggered an outpouring of grief from his fans and prompted renewed debate about his controversial past. His music saw a massive surge in popularity, with songs topping charts and breaking streaming records. This posthumous success highlighted the complex relationship between his art, his actions, and his audience.

A lasting impact. Despite the controversies, X left an undeniable mark on music and culture. He is remembered for his innovative sound, his emotional honesty, and his profound connection with a generation grappling with mental health issues. His legacy remains divisive, forcing ongoing conversations about accountability, redemption, and the separation of the artist from their art.

Last updated: April 29, 2025