Love Worth Making

1. Sex is More Than Just a Physical Act

Sex is emotion in motion.

Beyond Friction and Fantasy. The book challenges the notion that sex is merely "friction plus fantasy," arguing that true sexual satisfaction involves a deeper emotional connection. It emphasizes the importance of understanding sexual feelings and their connection to the rest of who you are.

• Great sex is about relationships, commitment, sanctification, and peace.
• The secrets to great sex are largely emotional, not physical.
• Understanding sexual feelings is more important than mastering techniques.

Coming Home to Yourself. The book isn't about turning your partner on or giving them the world's greatest orgasm. Instead, it's about finding your sexual heart and coming home to yourself as a sexual person. Once you've found your sexual heart, those other details tend not to matter so much.

The Rules of the Heart. Good sex follows certain rules, but these rules have nothing to do with hardness, wetness, intercourse, or orgasm. They all involve staying out of your own way, so your sexual self can do what it knows how to do naturally. The rules of desire are rules of the heart.

2. The Sexual Self is Infantile and Honest

Your sexual self never grows up.

Infantile Nature of Eros. The book posits that the sexual self never matures beyond a childlike state, retaining the honesty, vulnerability, and selfishness of a small child. This infantile nature explains why sex is such an emotional experience and why it can make us feel so good or so bad about ourselves.

Joy and Enjoyment. Children need desperately to be enjoyed. A mother examining her baby’s feet may feel grateful that they are healthy and normal. It’s essential though that she also enjoy them. To enjoy and be enjoyed is the essence of good lovemaking.

Scent and Desire. Scent is the perfect expression of eros. You can’t hold it, touch it, eat it, or do anything with it but enjoy it. Scent is the most intimate form of connection—experienced only at very close range—and the last threshold before full-on physical intimacy.

3. Desire is Rooted in Self-Love and Acceptance

Your sexual self doesn’t just want to be loved. It wants to be loved more than anyone or anything in the world.

The Need for Validation. Arousal feels special. Validating. Good sex makes us feel good about ourselves. That’s how we know it’s good sex. With good lovemaking, we have a feeling of “Yes, that’s me. Here I am. You found me.” We feel in touch with our deepest, most authentic selves.

Healthy Narcissism. The book challenges the negative connotation of narcissism, arguing that a healthy dose of self-love and selfishness is essential for a vibrant erotic life. Sexual selfishness tends to be more erotic than sexual generosity.

Expressing True Colors. When it comes to eros, we all have a need to express our true colors. It’s not just about the sex. It’s often about love too. There’s something uniquely validating about an erotic relationship where you feel, “Yes, that’s me.”

4. Good Sex Should Be Easy and Enjoyable

Life is difficult. Sex should be easy.

The Art of the Easy. The book emphasizes that sex should never feel like work. If it does, it's a sign that something is wrong. Sex therapy, as I’m always telling my patients, is the art of the easy. You’re not looking to build character. You just want to have a good time.

Simmering, Not Cuddling. Simmering means taking a quick moment to feel excited with your partner, even under conditions where sex is not going to be practical. Simmering helps cultivate the right kind of erotic climate in a relationship. Don't confuse simmering with "cuddling." Simmering is good for your sex life together. Cuddling not so much.

The Importance of Enjoyment. The essence of good foreplay is to enjoy yourself. Sounds obvious, huh? You’d be surprised. A lot of people think foreplay is just to supply a woman with enough physical stimulation.

5. Orgasm Isn't the Only Goal

Great lovemaking leads to great orgasms. Not the other way around.

Orgasm as Dessert. In really good lovemaking, orgasm is just punctuation at the end of the sentence. After orgasm, most men lose all interest in sex. For women, the punctuation of orgasm tends to be less emphatic—a comma maybe, instead of a period.

High Road vs. Low Road. There’s a high road and a low road to orgasm. Approached from the high road, orgasm is just an afterthought, like dessert at the end of a memorable meal. The low road is where you’re not very aroused, but the right kind of friction in the right spot can still make you come. But those orgasms don’t count for much and can leave you chronically hungry.

The Two-Step. First tune in to the silence of your own body, then stay in that silence when you make love. It’s normal for a couple to lose their erotic inspiration and to have to look for it again. It’s absolutely crucial when you go looking for it that you first look within yourself.

6. Men and Women Experience Desire Differently

For a man to think his partner is sexy, they don’t usually have to be doing anything in particular. But for a woman to see a man as sexy, some action on his part is typically required.

The Woman in the Mirror. Most women have a fundamental need to feel desired. So do most men, of course. But for most women it’s more of a “thing.” A woman's sexual enjoyment strongly depends on how she thinks she looks in her jeans.

Men at Work. For a woman to see a man as sexy, some action on his part is typically required. A straight woman wants her man to be doing something valuable and important that they can both be proud of. If he makes money at it, all the better.

Rat Sex. In a heterosexual relationship, the female partner is usually the CSO (chief sexual officer): counting how many times you’ve made love recently, monitoring from his actions and words how strongly he desires you, and paying closer attention to the health and vitality of the sex life that the two of you share.

7. Communication and Vulnerability are Key

It’s natural for humans to seek out joy and pleasure. We’re born that way and then get talked out of it.

The Importance of Honesty. The sexual self is very honest, but its vocabulary is limited. Much of sex therapy involves trying to figure out what the sexual self, with its limited vocabulary, is actually trying to say.

The Talking Cure. Many couples take a vow of silence in bed. That’s not usually such a great idea. It’s an advanced technique. It’s good to have a partner who is willing to be vulnerable and share their feelings.

The Power of Vulnerability. The more you differentiate in a relationship, the less you need to be bound by conventional gender expectations. A woman can take charge, for instance. A man can give up control. And intercourse doesn’t always have to be the main thing on the menu.

8. Faith and Spirituality Enhance Erotic Connection

You alone unite opposites, and bring them together in peace, and in great love.

The Mysteries of Intercourse. Intercourse can be joyful, but it’s not typically carefree. Foreplay can be a bit lighthearted. Hey, it’s even called “play.” But no one seems to think of intercourse as play.

Mindfulness, Heartfulness, and Prayer. In this older view of the world, time itself consists of a series of moments, going nowhere in particular, strung together like beads on a string. Most often you never notice them. But if you practice giving them your full attention, you realize they’re always there.

The Sanctification of the Ordinary. I believe real faith grows from the sanctification of the ordinary. When as a couple you commit on a regular basis to going to bed early to talk, and perhaps to making love afterward, that’s a sanctification of the ordinary.

9. Monogamy Requires Conscious Effort and Acceptance

Monogamy can develop your capacity for love, including erotic love. But that doesn’t happen automatically.

The Challenge of Monogamy. The book acknowledges that monogamy is not always easy or natural, and that it requires conscious effort, acceptance, and the ability to navigate periods of low desire. It’s a choice you make. But if you’ve decided to be each other’s exclusive lovers for life—whether because of your love for each other, your religious beliefs, or other practical considerations—then sooner or later you’ll need to know what to do when your sexual self gets restless and wants to try something new.

The Stages of Love. Most relationships begin with a burst of inspiration, and then proceed to a second stage marked by frustration and disappointment. The second stage is ordinarily difficult, but you have to get through it to stage three before you really become a couple.

The Importance of Acceptance. If you’re not feeling desire, you can’t just make a date to have sex and expect it to help. But you can make a date to just lie naked in bed together, with each of you having no agenda other than to pay close attention, without judgment, to what you’re actually feeling.

10. The Erotic Journey is Lifelong

All the rivers run into the sea; yet the sea is not full; unto the place from whence the rivers come, thither they return again.… and there is nothing new under the sun.

The Cyclical Nature of Desire. The book suggests that desire ebbs and flows throughout a long-term relationship, and that it's important to accept these cycles rather than trying to force constant passion. The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is nothing new under the sun.

The Importance of Adaptation. The book emphasizes the need for couples to adapt and evolve their sexual relationship over time, as their bodies, emotions, and life circumstances change. It’s not about trying to recapture the passion of the early days, but about creating a new kind of intimacy that is appropriate for the present.

The Power of Faith. The book concludes by emphasizing the importance of faith in sustaining a long-term erotic relationship. Faith is a kind of inner coherence that allows you to keep your balance in a relationship. That doesn’t mean you’ll be happy all the time. It just means that when you’re miserable, you’ll still be able to stand your ground—and to trust that the eventual outcome will be okay.

Last updated: March 30, 2025