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Love Worth Making

Love Worth Making

How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Lasting Relationship
by Stephen Snyder 2018 288 pages
4.14
1.2K ratings
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Key Takeaways

1. Sex is More Than Just a Physical Act

Sex is emotion in motion.

Beyond Friction and Fantasy. The book challenges the notion that sex is merely "friction plus fantasy," arguing that true sexual satisfaction involves a deeper emotional connection. It emphasizes the importance of understanding sexual feelings and their connection to the rest of who you are.

  • Great sex is about relationships, commitment, sanctification, and peace.
  • The secrets to great sex are largely emotional, not physical.
  • Understanding sexual feelings is more important than mastering techniques.

Coming Home to Yourself. The book isn't about turning your partner on or giving them the world's greatest orgasm. Instead, it's about finding your sexual heart and coming home to yourself as a sexual person. Once you've found your sexual heart, those other details tend not to matter so much.

The Rules of the Heart. Good sex follows certain rules, but these rules have nothing to do with hardness, wetness, intercourse, or orgasm. They all involve staying out of your own way, so your sexual self can do what it knows how to do naturally. The rules of desire are rules of the heart.

2. The Sexual Self is Infantile and Honest

Your sexual self never grows up.

Infantile Nature of Eros. The book posits that the sexual self never matures beyond a childlike state, retaining the honesty, vulnerability, and selfishness of a small child. This infantile nature explains why sex is such an emotional experience and why it can make us feel so good or so bad about ourselves.

Joy and Enjoyment. Children need desperately to be enjoyed. A mother examining her baby’s feet may feel grateful that they are healthy and normal. It’s essential though that she also enjoy them. To enjoy and be enjoyed is the essence of good lovemaking.

Scent and Desire. Scent is the perfect expression of eros. You can’t hold it, touch it, eat it, or do anything with it but enjoy it. Scent is the most intimate form of connection—experienced only at very close range—and the last threshold before full-on physical intimacy.

3. Desire is Rooted in Self-Love and Acceptance

Your sexual self doesn’t just want to be loved. It wants to be loved more than anyone or anything in the world.

The Need for Validation. Arousal feels special. Validating. Good sex makes us feel good about ourselves. That’s how we know it’s good sex. With good lovemaking, we have a feeling of “Yes, that’s me. Here I am. You found me.” We feel in touch with our deepest, most authentic selves.

Healthy Narcissism. The book challenges the negative connotation of narcissism, arguing that a healthy dose of self-love and selfishness is essential for a vibrant erotic life. Sexual selfishness tends to be more erotic than sexual generosity.

Expressing True Colors. When it comes to eros, we all have a need to express our true colors. It’s not just about the sex. It’s often about love too. There’s something uniquely validating about an erotic relationship where you feel, “Yes, that’s me.”

4. Good Sex Should Be Easy and Enjoyable

Life is difficult. Sex should be easy.

The Art of the Easy. The book emphasizes that sex should never feel like work. If it does, it's a sign that something is wrong. Sex therapy, as I’m always telling my patients, is the art of the easy. You’re not looking to build character. You just want to have a good time.

Simmering, Not Cuddling. Simmering means taking a quick moment to feel excited with your partner, even under conditions where sex is not going to be practical. Simmering helps cultivate the right kind of erotic climate in a relationship. Don't confuse simmering with "cuddling." Simmering is good for your sex life together. Cuddling not so much.

The Importance of Enjoyment. The essence of good foreplay is to enjoy yourself. Sounds obvious, huh? You’d be surprised. A lot of people think foreplay is just to supply a woman with enough physical stimulation.

5. Orgasm Isn't the Only Goal

Great lovemaking leads to great orgasms. Not the other way around.

Orgasm as Dessert. In really good lovemaking, orgasm is just punctuation at the end of the sentence. After orgasm, most men lose all interest in sex. For women, the punctuation of orgasm tends to be less emphatic—a comma maybe, instead of a period.

High Road vs. Low Road. There’s a high road and a low road to orgasm. Approached from the high road, orgasm is just an afterthought, like dessert at the end of a memorable meal. The low road is where you’re not very aroused, but the right kind of friction in the right spot can still make you come. But those orgasms don’t count for much and can leave you chronically hungry.

The Two-Step. First tune in to the silence of your own body, then stay in that silence when you make love. It’s normal for a couple to lose their erotic inspiration and to have to look for it again. It’s absolutely crucial when you go looking for it that you first look within yourself.

6. Men and Women Experience Desire Differently

For a man to think his partner is sexy, they don’t usually have to be doing anything in particular. But for a woman to see a man as sexy, some action on his part is typically required.

The Woman in the Mirror. Most women have a fundamental need to feel desired. So do most men, of course. But for most women it’s more of a “thing.” A woman's sexual enjoyment strongly depends on how she thinks she looks in her jeans.

Men at Work. For a woman to see a man as sexy, some action on his part is typically required. A straight woman wants her man to be doing something valuable and important that they can both be proud of. If he makes money at it, all the better.

Rat Sex. In a heterosexual relationship, the female partner is usually the CSO (chief sexual officer): counting how many times you’ve made love recently, monitoring from his actions and words how strongly he desires you, and paying closer attention to the health and vitality of the sex life that the two of you share.

7. Communication and Vulnerability are Key

It’s natural for humans to seek out joy and pleasure. We’re born that way and then get talked out of it.

The Importance of Honesty. The sexual self is very honest, but its vocabulary is limited. Much of sex therapy involves trying to figure out what the sexual self, with its limited vocabulary, is actually trying to say.

The Talking Cure. Many couples take a vow of silence in bed. That’s not usually such a great idea. It’s an advanced technique. It’s good to have a partner who is willing to be vulnerable and share their feelings.

The Power of Vulnerability. The more you differentiate in a relationship, the less you need to be bound by conventional gender expectations. A woman can take charge, for instance. A man can give up control. And intercourse doesn’t always have to be the main thing on the menu.

8. Faith and Spirituality Enhance Erotic Connection

You alone unite opposites, and bring them together in peace, and in great love.

The Mysteries of Intercourse. Intercourse can be joyful, but it’s not typically carefree. Foreplay can be a bit lighthearted. Hey, it’s even called “play.” But no one seems to think of intercourse as play.

Mindfulness, Heartfulness, and Prayer. In this older view of the world, time itself consists of a series of moments, going nowhere in particular, strung together like beads on a string. Most often you never notice them. But if you practice giving them your full attention, you realize they’re always there.

The Sanctification of the Ordinary. I believe real faith grows from the sanctification of the ordinary. When as a couple you commit on a regular basis to going to bed early to talk, and perhaps to making love afterward, that’s a sanctification of the ordinary.

9. Monogamy Requires Conscious Effort and Acceptance

Monogamy can develop your capacity for love, including erotic love. But that doesn’t happen automatically.

The Challenge of Monogamy. The book acknowledges that monogamy is not always easy or natural, and that it requires conscious effort, acceptance, and the ability to navigate periods of low desire. It’s a choice you make. But if you’ve decided to be each other’s exclusive lovers for life—whether because of your love for each other, your religious beliefs, or other practical considerations—then sooner or later you’ll need to know what to do when your sexual self gets restless and wants to try something new.

The Stages of Love. Most relationships begin with a burst of inspiration, and then proceed to a second stage marked by frustration and disappointment. The second stage is ordinarily difficult, but you have to get through it to stage three before you really become a couple.

The Importance of Acceptance. If you’re not feeling desire, you can’t just make a date to have sex and expect it to help. But you can make a date to just lie naked in bed together, with each of you having no agenda other than to pay close attention, without judgment, to what you’re actually feeling.

10. The Erotic Journey is Lifelong

All the rivers run into the sea; yet the sea is not full; unto the place from whence the rivers come, thither they return again.… and there is nothing new under the sun.

The Cyclical Nature of Desire. The book suggests that desire ebbs and flows throughout a long-term relationship, and that it's important to accept these cycles rather than trying to force constant passion. The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is nothing new under the sun.

The Importance of Adaptation. The book emphasizes the need for couples to adapt and evolve their sexual relationship over time, as their bodies, emotions, and life circumstances change. It’s not about trying to recapture the passion of the early days, but about creating a new kind of intimacy that is appropriate for the present.

The Power of Faith. The book concludes by emphasizing the importance of faith in sustaining a long-term erotic relationship. Faith is a kind of inner coherence that allows you to keep your balance in a relationship. That doesn’t mean you’ll be happy all the time. It just means that when you’re miserable, you’ll still be able to stand your ground—and to trust that the eventual outcome will be okay.

Last updated:

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FAQ

1. What is Love Worth Making by Stephen Snyder about?

  • Focus on sexual feelings: The book explores how sexual feelings operate, emphasizing their emotional and psychological roots rather than just physical techniques or orgasms.
  • Long-term relationships: It centers on sustaining great sex and intimacy in lasting, monogamous relationships, addressing challenges that arise over time.
  • Integration of clinical insights: Drawing from over thirty years of sex therapy, Snyder combines real-life stories, psychological theory, and mindfulness practices to help couples reconnect.
  • Comprehensive approach: The book blends practical advice, emotional self-awareness, and theoretical frameworks to guide readers toward more fulfilling sexual and emotional lives.

2. Why should I read Love Worth Making by Stephen Snyder?

  • Unique clinical perspective: Snyder offers nuanced, experience-based insights that go beyond typical sex advice, focusing on emotional and relational depth.
  • Addresses real-life challenges: The book tackles common issues like loss of desire, performance anxiety, and communication breakdowns with practical, actionable solutions.
  • Accessible and honest style: Written in a conversational tone with short chapters, it’s easy to read and respects the complexity of human sexuality.
  • Inclusive and modern: The book acknowledges diverse sexual orientations and challenges conventional gender roles, making it relevant for a wide audience.

3. What are the key takeaways from Love Worth Making by Stephen Snyder?

  • Sex is emotional, not just physical: Great sex is rooted in emotional connection, self-acceptance, and vulnerability, not just technique.
  • Desire fluctuates naturally: Sexual desire is not constant and cannot be forced; acceptance and presence are key to rekindling passion.
  • Mindfulness and differentiation matter: Practices like the Two-Step and sensate focus, along with developing a strong sense of self, are essential for lasting intimacy.
  • Breaking conventional scripts: Moving beyond traditional gender roles and expectations can lead to more authentic and satisfying sexual experiences.

4. What is the "sexual self" concept in Love Worth Making by Stephen Snyder?

  • Honest but limited vocabulary: The sexual self communicates with a simple "yes" or "no," reflecting genuine arousal or lack thereof.
  • Infantile and vulnerable: It remains childlike, craving attention, validation, and acceptance, which explains why sex is deeply emotional.
  • Self-acceptance is vital: Feeling accepted for who you are sexually is crucial for connection and enjoyment in lovemaking.
  • Foundation for great sex: Understanding and nurturing the sexual self is key to overcoming common sexual challenges.

5. What are the "rules of desire" according to Love Worth Making by Stephen Snyder?

  • Beyond friction and fantasy: Good sex requires more than physical stimulation and mental imagery; emotional connection is essential.
  • Sex of the heart: Desire is deeply tied to emotional intimacy, gratitude, and awe, not just lust or excitement.
  • Psychological changes in arousal: Authentic sexual experience involves focused attention, regression to a more primitive state, and a sense of validation.
  • Emotional shifts are key: Recognizing and embracing these emotional changes leads to more satisfying sexual encounters.

6. How does Love Worth Making by Stephen Snyder explain gender differences in sexual desire?

  • Women seek to feel desired: Women often need to feel admired and validated, with self-image and emotional safety playing major roles in arousal.
  • Men seek to feel welcomed: Men typically need to feel safe and invited to express desire, valuing confidence and leadership in sexual encounters.
  • Conventional script challenges: Traditional gender roles—men leading, women following—can create miscommunications and frustrations in relationships.
  • Encourages breaking the script: The book advocates for flexibility and mutual understanding to overcome these ingrained patterns.

7. What is the "Two-Step" method in Love Worth Making by Stephen Snyder, and how does it work?

  • Step one: Stillness and presence: Partners begin by lying quietly together, focusing on breath and bodily sensations to cultivate mindfulness.
  • Step two: Maintain calm during arousal: As arousal arises, couples hold onto inner calm and mindful focus, avoiding rushing or forcing excitement.
  • Mindfulness foundation: The Two-Step applies mindfulness to sex, helping partners stay present and connected.
  • Leads to better intimacy: This method fosters more satisfying arousal and orgasms by reducing performance pressure.

8. What practical advice does Love Worth Making by Stephen Snyder offer for improving foreplay and arousal?

  • Enjoy yourself first: Foreplay should be about mutual enjoyment, not just pleasing your partner or achieving a goal.
  • Simmering technique: Couples are encouraged to cultivate brief moments of arousal throughout the day, maintaining an erotic climate.
  • Avoid non-erotic cuddling: Too much comfort-focused touch can deplete desire; physical intimacy should pass erotic energy.
  • Focus on authentic connection: The book emphasizes honest communication and self-awareness during foreplay.

9. How does Love Worth Making by Stephen Snyder address challenges of intercourse and performance anxiety?

  • Intercourse is serious, not play: Recognizing the seriousness of intercourse can help reduce pressure and anxiety.
  • Penis-vagina dynamics: Men may experience anxiety or loss of erection at penetration due to emotional pressures, not just physical issues.
  • Clitoral stimulation for women: Women’s pleasure often depends on clitoral stimulation alongside intercourse.
  • Wait for full arousal: Delaying penetration until both partners are fully aroused improves experience and reduces common problems.

10. What are "sex-knots" in Love Worth Making by Stephen Snyder, and how can couples untie them?

  • Sex-knots defined: These are self-defeating cycles in sexual relationships where partners’ reactions worsen problems, such as anxiety or mismatched desire.
  • Common examples: Loss of arousal due to negative thoughts, pressure to perform, inability to reach orgasm, and initiation conflicts.
  • Untying strategies: Mindfulness, emotional self-regulation, and techniques like sensate focus and the Two-Step are recommended.
  • Goal-free sex: Removing goals and pressure from sex allows natural arousal and connection to emerge.

11. How does Love Worth Making by Stephen Snyder address desire, monogamy, and infidelity urges?

  • Desire fluctuates naturally: The book emphasizes that desire cannot be forced and will ebb and flow over time.
  • Monogamy is a choice: While not "natural," monogamy can thrive with commitment, self-awareness, and setting healthy limits.
  • Handling infidelity urges: Snyder recommends self-care practices, such as masturbation and avoiding risky situations, rather than acting on outside attractions.
  • Cultivating presence: Practices like the Two-Step help couples reconnect inwardly and maintain intimacy without chasing desire.

12. What are the best quotes from Love Worth Making by Stephen Snyder, and what do they mean?

  • Marriage and courage: “Marriage asks, ‘Are you willing to stand up now, or do things have to get worse?’” — highlights the need for emotional courage in relationships.
  • Love and bravery: “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength. Loving someone deeply gives you courage.” — underscores the empowering and vulnerable aspects of love.
  • Mindfulness in sex: “Leave your front door and back door open. Let thoughts come and go. Just don’t serve them tea.” — a metaphor for not engaging with negative thoughts during intimacy.
  • Sex as sanctification: “Sex in marriage is the darkest and the best…” — reflects how sex can encompass both life’s joys and sorrows, deepening connection.
  • Self-preservation in love: “If you love someone, don’t give away what’s best about you. Save it, so you can share it with the person you love.” — emphasizes authenticity and self-care in relationships.

Review Summary

4.14 out of 5
Average of 1.2K ratings from Goodreads and Amazon.

Love Worth Making receives mostly positive reviews for its fresh approach to sex and relationships. Readers appreciate Snyder's focus on emotions, mindfulness, and personal pleasure rather than mechanics. Many found the book insightful, relatable, and helpful for long-term couples. The use of case studies and humor makes it engaging. Some criticize the heteronormative focus and religious references. Overall, readers value the emphasis on intimacy, communication, and understanding one's "sexual self" to improve sexual experiences in committed relationships.

Your rating:
4.55
56 ratings

About the Author

Stephen Snyder, M.D. is a sex and relationship therapist with over 30 years of experience. He is on the faculty of the Mt Sinai School of Medicine and frequently contributes to media outlets like HuffPost and Psychology Today. His book "Love Worth Making" was published in 2018 by St Martin's Press and has received positive press coverage. Snyder's approach focuses on storytelling, drawing from his extensive clinical experience to provide practical and empowering advice for couples. He aims to differentiate his work from other sex books by emphasizing real-life stories and insights gained from his therapy practice.

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