Manhood for Amateurs

1. Fatherhood is a daily practice of failure and self-doubt.

A father is a man who fails every day.

Constant imperfection. Being a father involves continuous setbacks and the exposure of one's shortcomings. Despite efforts to be strong and capable, the demands of raising children reveal weakness and insufficiency daily. This feeling of failure is a constant companion, often overshadowing moments of success.

Failure's persistence. The memory of failure, whether in parenting or other life pursuits, tends to outlast positive feedback by decades. This ingrained sense of inadequacy, perhaps stemming from early experiences like a failed childhood venture, becomes a fundamental part of one's identity as a father. It's a club nobody gets past age ten without joining.

Seeking connection. Despite the inevitability of defeat, the core drive remains the pursuit of connection. Whether through writing, marriage, or fatherhood, the effort is an act of hope against solitude. Success, when it occurs, doesn't erase the knowledge of failure's presence, but the effort itself is the point.

2. Fathers benefit from a low bar compared to mothers.

The handy thing about being a father is that the historic standard is so pitifully low.

Easy praise. Fathers often receive disproportionate praise for minimal effort in parenting. Simple acts like holding a child in a checkout line can elicit compliments like "You are such a good dad," while mothers performing far more complex tasks are seen as simply doing their job. This double standard provides "easy credit" for men.

Mothers' self-doubt. In contrast, mothers, who often handle the bulk of child-rearing tasks and are more attuned to potential dangers, tend to view their efforts with perennial insufficiency and self-doubt. Good mothering is a long-term pattern, largely unobserved, making it hard for mothers to recognize their own goodness in discrete moments. The monumental, open-ended nature of the job contributes to this feeling.

Acknowledging the unfairness. While acknowledging the unfairness, the author admits a degree of gratitude for the easy credit. However, he strives to define being a good father in the same terms as a good mother: handling the endless parade of "piddly shit." This includes cooking, cleaning, appointments, and dealing with bodily fluids, tasks traditionally seen as maternal.

3. Childhood adventure is lost to adult anxiety and control.

The Wilderness of Childhood is gone; the days of adventure are past.

Shrinking world. The physical and imaginative space for unsupervised childhood exploration has drastically diminished. Unlike past generations who roamed woods, streets, and vacant lots, today's children are often confined to scheduled activities, fenced backyards, or adult-designed "jolly internment centers" like Chuck E. Cheese. This curtailment stems from increased adult anxiety, particularly about stranger abduction, despite statistics showing no increase in danger.

Loss of independence. Children are driven everywhere, their encounters scheduled, preventing them from discovering the world independently or forming their own mental maps. This contrasts sharply with the author's own childhood freedom, where getting lost was a way to truly know a place. The constant monitoring and corralling into "certified zones of safety" stifle the spirit of adventure.

Impact on imagination. The closing off of this "Wilderness" raises concerns about the development of children's imaginations. Art and stories are forms of exploration into the unknown. If children aren't taught to be adventurers in their youth, the future of imaginative exploration, including literature, may be imperiled.

4. "Crap" culture shapes imagination, but commodification limits its power.

What was so shocking about Wacky Packages was that they were a production of the adult world.

Adult appropriation. Childhood "gross humor" and irreverence, once a secret code signaling the absence of adults, became commodified and sold back to children through products like Wacky Packages. This marked a pivotal moment where adults entered and appropriated autonomous childhood culture. This trend continued with toys, movies, and books like Captain Underpants.

Loss of autonomy. While "crap" art can be a source of inspiration and imagination, its modern, highly produced, and interconnected form leaves little room for children's own creative input. Unlike the open-ended nature of older media (like the Planet of the Apes TV show), today's CGI films are complete, leaving nothing implied or incomplete for the child's imagination to fill. They are like "unctuous butlers of the imagination."

Hypocrisy of disapproval. Disapproving of modern "crap" like Captain Underpants feels hypocritical, given the author's own affection for similar lowbrow culture in his youth. However, this disapproval is framed as an attempt to re-establish a boundary between adulthood and childhood, creating a space of parental disapproval where children can find a sense of furtive pleasure and autonomy. It's a struggle against the adult world's profitable infantilization of childhood.

5. Honesty with children is difficult but essential.

"The truth is that I’m confused about what to tell you," I said. "But I mostly want us all to tell each other the truth."

Navigating difficult topics. Talking to children about complex or uncomfortable subjects, such as drug use, presents a challenge for parents. Despite planning, the actual moment can catch one off guard, forcing a choice between honesty and evasion. The author chose honesty when asked about smoking marijuana.

Truth vs. protection. Parents constantly grapple with how much truth to reveal, balancing it against the desire to protect children from harsh realities or their own past mistakes. Admitting personal flaws or past behaviors, even if they contradict the image of an infallible parent, is part of building trust. It requires living up to a principle of truth-telling, even when confused.

Modeling vulnerability. Sharing doubts, uncertainties, and past failures, like admitting to smoking marijuana, models vulnerability and encourages children to be honest in return. This approach, though difficult and counter to the traditional image of the all-knowing father, fosters a deeper intimacy and mutual trust within the family. It acknowledges that parents, too, are flawed and still figuring things out.

6. Male friendship is complex, often challenged by romantic relationships.

The loss obliges you to confront the fundamental mystery of another man, one whom you believed you knew as well as you knew yourself.

Shared world. Male friendships, often built on shared interests, experiences, and a sense of mutual understanding, can feel incredibly deep and foundational. Friends choose each other, creating a shared world of lore and enthusiasms. This bond can seem strong enough to weather many disruptions.

The "Woman" factor. However, the introduction of a romantic partner ("the Woman") often challenges or ends male friendships. This isn't always about mutual attraction to the same person, but frequently stems from one friend's partner disliking the other friend, and vice versa. This conflict forces a confrontation with a fundamental mystery: something crucial and irreducible in the friend that the other does not understand, proven by their choice of partner.

Loss and mystery. Losing a friendship over a romantic relationship is distressing because it reveals a lack of access to the "innermost kernel" of the friend. This leads to questioning not only the friend but also one's own self-understanding. It highlights that romantic love operates by a mysterious agency, binding people in ways that may be inexplicable to outsiders, and its power can tragically outweigh the chosen bond of friendship.

7. Understanding women remains a lifelong struggle.

There is a mystery in those heads that I will never stop trying to solve, even if the very act of seeking solution, of viewing women in terms of mystery, damns me forever to defeat and ineptitude.

Difficulty in depiction. The author finds it challenging to depict women, both in art and in life. Whether drawing female superheroes or writing female characters in novels, he struggles to capture their complexity and reality as effectively as he does men. This difficulty persists despite conscious effort and a desire to portray women as strong and multifaceted.

Resenting the mystery. This struggle feels frustrating on feminist grounds, as it seems to endorse the idea of an inherent, inaccessible difference between male and female consciousness. The author was raised to believe that "people are people and minds are minds," and resents the notion that a woman's heart should be inaccessible to a man simply due to gender. Yet, his own experience contradicts this ideal.

Acknowledging the gap. Despite intellectual principles, the author observes a practical gap in understanding his daughters' emotional lives compared to his sons'. He struggles to sympathize with their complex social anxieties in the same way. This persistent mystery, though frustrating, drives a continuous effort to understand, even if the very act of framing it as a "mystery" contributes to the difficulty.

8. Tradition and identity are complex, sometimes involving difficult choices.

"It’s not one bit less barbaric than what they do over there," my wife said. "Not one."

Questioning tradition. Religious and cultural traditions, such as circumcision (Brit Milah), present complex choices for parents. Despite lacking strong religious conviction or finding the stated reasons unconvincing, the author and his wife chose to circumcise their sons. This decision felt like a "raw act," a "mutilation," prompting difficult conversations about the barbarity of the practice, especially when compared to female genital mutilation.

Justifications and doubts. Justifications for circumcision, like hygiene or matching the father, felt debatable or insufficient. The psychological argument about a child being puzzled by the difference in appearance between his penis and his father's also felt weak. The decision was made despite acknowledging the potential for diminished sexual pleasure and the fundamental brutality of the act.

Betrayal of promise. Ultimately, the act felt like a betrayal of the implicit promise parents make to shield their children from harm. It was a difficult choice rooted in a complex mix of cultural identity, family history, and a sense of inevitability, rather than rational conviction. It highlighted the ways in which tradition can compel actions that feel deeply wrong, forcing parents to lie to their children about safety.

9. Shared stories and experiences connect generations.

Until my brother was born, I had no one to tell it to.

Stories as connection. The presence of a sibling, particularly a younger one, creates an audience and a witness for one's life story. The author's relationship with his younger brother is framed by shared memories and the retelling of past adventures, like getting lost together. This act of recounting and validating shared history strengthens their bond.

Witnessing life. Siblings serve as witnesses to each other's lives, from birth onward. The author's brother was present at the birth of his first child, becoming the first family member to see the baby after the parents. This shared experience, and the subsequent retelling of it, weaves their lives together, creating a continuous narrative thread across generations.

Legacy of stories. The stories shared between siblings, and eventually passed down, become a form of legacy. The author anticipates his nephew will one day tell his younger brother the story of their birth, just as the author and his brother recount their own shared past. These narratives, even of getting lost or facing challenges, become foundational myths for the family, connecting individuals through a shared history.

10. Embracing vulnerability is key to genuine connection.

But there has always been something about him, about his style of play, his sense of self-mocking humor, his way of looking at you looking at him, that goes beyond vanity, self-aggrandizement, or being a world-class jerk-off

Beyond the facade. True connection, whether in sports, art, or personal relationships, often involves seeing beyond the polished surface or expected persona. The author's admiration for baseball player Jose Canseco, despite his flaws and "bad man" reputation, stems from recognizing a genuine rogue quality and a comfort with his own contradictory nature that transcends mere vanity or showmanship. This suggests an appreciation for authenticity, even when it's messy.

Faking it vs. authenticity. Traditional masculinity often involves "faking it," maintaining an appearance of control and competence even when feeling lost or inadequate. This dissimulation, while sometimes enabling action, can also be damaging, teaching boys that failure is a flaw to be concealed. Genuine connection requires a willingness to drop the facade and reveal vulnerability.

Finding grace in imperfection. The author finds grace not in flawless performance or perfect goodness, but in the messy reality of human imperfection and the willingness to be oneself despite it. This is seen in Canseco's rogue charm and the author's own struggles with vulnerability and the pressure to "know what he's doing" as a father. Embracing imperfection and allowing oneself to be seen, flaws and all, is essential for forming deep, authentic bonds.

11. The future feels lost, but having children is a bet on it.

The point of the Clock of the Long Now is to revive and restore the whole idea of the Future, to get us thinking about the Future again...

Loss of future vision. The collective cultural narrative of the Future, once optimistic and filled with technological marvels, seems to have disappeared. We struggle to imagine or believe in a world beyond the next few generations, perhaps because the imagined futures of the past now feel like history, or because present-day realities (climate change, political instability) make long-term optimism difficult. This lack of a compelling future narrative is a significant cultural loss.

Betting on continuity. Having children is inherently an act of faith in the future. Parents invest hope, love, and effort into beings who will live long after they are gone, implicitly betting on the continuity of the world for centuries to come. This act of procreation is a fundamental commitment to the "Long Now," regardless of whether one consciously believes in a distant future.

Ensuring the bet pays off. This parental bet on the future carries an obligation to work towards ensuring that future is one worth inheriting. It means striving to leave a world where children and their descendants can flourish, a world whose potential for perfection is pursued, even if never fully attained. It's a commitment to hope and effort, despite the uncertainty and the temptation to despair about the world's trajectory.

12. Finding meaning in the mundane and messy reality of family life.

There is no Normal Time, or rather, this is it, with all its accidents and discontinuities.

The illusion of "Normal Time". We often yearn for periods of "Normal Time" – steady, routine, free of crisis and disruption. However, upon reflection, such periods seem elusive, suggesting that life, particularly family life, is inherently characterized by accidents, discontinuities, and overlapping challenges. The constant stream of "one damn thing after another" is the actual state of being.

Delusions of the past. This yearning for normalcy is linked to other delusions, such as the belief that the world of one's childhood still exists somewhere, waiting to be returned to. These deeply ingrained certainties about the nature and course of life, though often contradicted by reality, persist and shape our perception. They highlight the gap between desired stability and actual lived experience.

Embracing the chaos. Meaning and connection are found not in the absence of chaos, but within it. The messy reality of sharing a life with others, with all its needs, disruptions, and imperfections, is the substance of existence. The challenge is to find value and even a "strange comfort" in this shared, imperfect condition, recognizing that this continuous, unpredictable flow of events is life.

Last updated: May 3, 2025