Married Roommates

1. Marriage Requires Intentional Effort, Not Just Love

The realization that we, like most, were grossly underprepared for life at this next level was a breakthrough.

Beyond the honeymoon. Love is a powerful foundation, but it's not enough to sustain a thriving marriage. Like any worthwhile endeavor, marriage requires consistent effort, intentionality, and a willingness to learn and adapt. It's not a passive state but an active process of building and maintaining a strong connection.

Active maintenance. Couples often neglect their relationship, assuming that love will be enough to overcome challenges. However, without active maintenance, the emotional bond can weaken, leading to a roommate-like dynamic. This includes:

• Regular communication
• Quality time together
• Efforts to understand and support each other
• Addressing issues proactively

The business of marriage. Think of marriage as a business partnership. Just as a business needs ongoing work to thrive, so does a marriage. This includes working on the relationship, not just in it, by investing time, energy, and resources into its growth and well-being.

2. Unrealistic Expectations Lead to Disappointment

When thinking about marriage, you optimistically embrace the idea that everything will just work out.

The fantasy vs. reality. Many couples enter marriage with idealized notions, believing that their love will conquer all and that everything will fall into place effortlessly. This sets them up for disappointment when the realities of daily life, with its challenges and compromises, set in.

The gap between ideals and reality:

• Unrealistic expectations can lead to disillusionment with your partner.
• What is normal can be perceived as dysfunctional.
• It's easy to see your partner as different from the person you married.

Adjusting your perspective. It's crucial to recognize that marriage is not a fairytale but a journey with its ups and downs. Adjusting your expectations and accepting that challenges are normal is essential for a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

3. The "Acts of Life" Demand Evolving Roles

The old playbook from our independent single lives had to be ripped up, and a new, more developmentally appropriate plan had to take its place.

Three acts of adulthood. Life can be viewed in three acts: Act I (independence), Act II (interdependence), and Act III (reflection). Each act requires different skills, mindsets, and priorities. Transitioning from one act to the next requires adaptation and growth.

Act II challenges:

• Couples must shift from "me" to "we," sharing their lives and making joint decisions.
• They must juggle multiple responsibilities, including family, career, and home.
• The functional aspects of marriage can overshadow the emotional connection.

Evolving roles. The rules change as you move through life's acts. What worked in Act I may not work in Act II. Couples must be willing to adapt, learn new skills, and evolve together to meet the demands of each stage.

4. Teamwork and Collaboration are Essential

You have the power to change your reality, but it must start from a place of teamwork and collaboration.

The "we" mindset. Marriage is a partnership, not a solo act. Couples must function as a team, working together towards shared goals and supporting each other through challenges. This requires a shift from an individualistic mindset to a collaborative one.

The importance of joint decisions:

• Unilateral decisions can lead to resentment and conflict.
• Forfeiting your vote allows blame when results are not ideal.
• Decisions should be made together, considering both partners' needs and perspectives.

Trade-offs and compromise. Marriage requires a willingness to compromise and give up some individual preferences for the greater good of the relationship. This is not about sacrificing your needs but about finding a balance that works for both partners.

5. Communication is Key, Not Just Information Sharing

Frequently the intention and the interpretation are not one and the same.

Beyond logistics. Communication in marriage should go beyond just sharing information about schedules and tasks. It should be a tool for understanding each other's feelings, needs, and perspectives. Effective communication is the foundation for a strong and connected relationship.

Encoding and decoding. Communication involves both encoding (sending a message) and decoding (interpreting a message). Misunderstandings often arise when the intended message is not received as intended. This is due to:

• Subjective interpretations
• Past experiences
• Emotional states

Going deeper. Couples must learn to communicate their feelings and needs clearly and honestly, going beyond surface-level conversations. This requires active listening, empathy, and a willingness to understand each other's perspectives.

6. Conflict Resolution Requires Calm, Not Combat

Letting negative thoughts about your partner take hold in your mind poisons your marriage.

The fight-or-flight response. When conflicts escalate, the body's fight-or-flight response kicks in, making it difficult to communicate rationally. This can lead to hurtful words, defensiveness, and a breakdown in communication.

Moving from combat to collaboration:

• Establish a baseline of respect and value for your partner.
• Listen to understand, not just to respond.
• Be honest and candid, but do so with kindness.
• Set aside "talk time" to address issues calmly and constructively.

The code word. Use a code word or phrase to take a time-out when discussions become heated. This allows both partners to de-escalate and return to the conversation with a calmer mindset.

7. Intimacy Requires Nurturing, Not Neglect

When the romantic side of the relationship gets suppressed by the other roles you each play...the connection once shared feels lackluster.

More than just sex. Intimacy encompasses more than just physical intimacy. It includes emotional closeness, vulnerability, and a sense of connection. When these elements are neglected, the relationship can become sexless and unfulfilling.

The importance of physical touch:

• Physical affection is a vital part of a romantic relationship.
• It fosters feelings of closeness, desire, and connection.
• Lack of physical intimacy can lead to feelings of rejection and loneliness.

Prioritizing intimacy. Couples must make a conscious effort to nurture their intimacy, both physically and emotionally. This includes:

• Making time for each other
• Expressing affection
• Exploring new ways to connect sexually

8. Small Changes, Big Impact: The Power of Consistency

The countless small steps that it takes to become Married Roommates are composed of endless individual choices, behaviors, and attitudes.

The power of small steps. The journey from passionate lovers to roommates is often paved with countless small, seemingly insignificant choices and behaviors. Conversely, small, positive changes, when consistently applied, can have a significant impact on the relationship.

Focus on daily habits:

• Be mindful of your interactions with your partner.
• Make an effort to be kind, respectful, and supportive.
• Prioritize small acts of love and affection.

The compounding effect. Just as small negative habits can lead to a decline in the relationship, small positive habits can lead to growth and improvement. Consistency is key to creating lasting change.

9. Rebuilding Trust is a Journey, Not a Destination

You must get back to the point where you allow each other a small entryway to rebuild trust.

Trust is fragile. Trust is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. When trust is broken, it can be difficult to rebuild. It requires time, patience, and a consistent effort from both partners.

Steps to rebuilding trust:

• Be honest and transparent with each other.
• Follow through on your commitments.
• Be reliable and consistent in your actions.
• Give each other the benefit of the doubt.

Forgiveness and letting go. Rebuilding trust also requires a willingness to forgive past hurts and let go of resentments. Holding onto the past will only hinder the healing process.

10. Prioritize Your Marriage, Not Just Your Shared Life

It’s time to prioritize your marriage over other activities that have taken over as you drifted away from one another.

The relationship as a priority. In the busyness of life, it's easy to let the relationship take a backseat to other priorities. However, a healthy marriage requires that you prioritize your connection and make it a central focus of your life.

Making time for each other:

• Schedule regular date nights.
• Create opportunities for quality time together.
• Make time for meaningful conversations.
• Prioritize your relationship over other activities.

The long-term investment. Investing time and resources into your marriage is not a luxury but a necessity. It's an investment in your future happiness and well-being.

Last updated: January 22, 2025