Money Changes Everything

1. Money: The Last Taboo in a Confessional Culture

But even in this tell-all age, there is one topic that remains decidedly taboo.

Americans confess everything but money. Despite living in a culture where people openly discuss sex, addiction, and family drama, talking about personal finances remains deeply uncomfortable. This secrecy extends to income, spending habits, debt, and savings.

Financial disclosure is avoided. Many Americans would rather reveal their weight or age than the amount in their bank account. This reluctance stems from the feeling that financial status is intimately tied to personal worth and character.

Silence cuts both ways. The taboo affects both those struggling financially and the wealthy. Neither group feels comfortable discussing their situation, leading to isolation and a lack of understanding across economic divides.

2. Financial Struggles Feel Like Moral Failings

To find yourself broke is to face an ever-widening spiral of self-recrimination.

Broke feels like a character flaw. Lacking money often triggers feelings of personal failure, laziness, or carelessness. An "insufficient" ATM receipt can feel like a judgment on one's character, not just their bank balance.

Debt brings shame. Carrying significant debt, like credit card balances or mortgages, is widespread but often hidden. Confessing financial troubles can feel like admitting a weakness, leading many to ignore their reality until crisis hits.

The nouveau poor hide decline. Families who lose inherited wealth may struggle to maintain appearances, experiencing shame as they shed markers of their former status. Selling heirlooms or moving to less affluent areas highlights their downward mobility.

3. Inheritance Can Fracture Families

The effects of pitting family members against one another create rifts that never heal and leave everyone poorer in spirit.

Money divides relatives. Disputes over inheritance can turn family members against each other, causing lasting damage to relationships. Even seemingly small amounts or items can trigger intense conflict and resentment.

Legal maneuvers override tradition. In some cases, legal documents or manipulation can dispossess rightful heirs, particularly women in cultures with changing inheritance laws. This can lead to generations of bitterness and a sense of injustice.

Resentment persists for decades. The pain and anger over perceived unfairness in inheritance can linger for years, shaping family narratives and preventing reconciliation. Even those who were wronged may struggle to let go of their grievances.

4. Windfalls Bring Guilt and Judgment

I was not ungrateful for the money, but in a way it’s been as much of a burden as a blessing.

Unexpected money is complex. Receiving a large sum of money, even from positive sources like lottery wins or book sales, can bring discomfort and guilt. Windfalls from tragedy, like 9/11 victim funds, are particularly fraught with emotional difficulty.

Social judgment and envy arise. People may judge or envy those who receive sudden wealth, especially if the source is perceived negatively or if the recipient's spending habits are scrutinized. This can strain friendships and family ties.

Managing new wealth is a burden. Navigating financial decisions, dealing with solicitors, and deciding how to spend or give away a large sum can be overwhelming, adding stress to an already difficult situation.

5. Money Complicates Love and Relationships

“For richer or poorer” is the standard wedding vow, but for many couples money becomes a source of constant tension.

Finances strain partnerships. Money is a leading cause of conflict and divorce in America. Differing views on spending, saving, and financial security can create fierce battles within marriages and among unmarried couples.

Dating is a financial dance. Wealth differences can complicate courtship. Men may feel emasculated if a partner has more money, while wealthy individuals may question potential partners' motives or feel their generosity isn't appreciated.

Money becomes a rival. For some, the pursuit or accumulation of money can become a primary focus, competing with a partner for affection and attention. This can lead to resentment and a sense of neglect within the relationship.

6. Wealth Can Be a Source of Shame and Inauthenticity

What does it mean, she wonders, when “your financial worth is unmoored from your actual achievement”?

Inherited wealth brings guilt. Receiving money without earning it can lead to feelings of inauthenticity or shame. Individuals may hide their financial background to avoid being seen as lazy, privileged, or disconnected from "real" work.

Affluenza causes angst. Being so wealthy that work is unnecessary can lead to aimlessness and anxiety. Even the very rich often feel they need significantly more money to feel truly secure or content.

Hiding wealth is isolating. Just as those without money hide their struggles, some wealthy individuals conceal their financial status. This secrecy can prevent genuine connection and understanding across class lines.

7. Desperation Leads to Morally Ambiguous Work

For the rest of us mere mortals, is there any way to become less enslaved by money and our ideas about it?

Need overrides ideals. The pressure to make money can push people into jobs or activities that conflict with their values or morals. Desperation can lead to choices they later regret or feel ashamed of.

"Dirty work" pays the bills. Some individuals take on jobs considered unsavory or illegal simply to survive or make ends meet. This can range from editing pornography to selling drugs or engaging in petty theft.

Compromise erodes identity. Engaging in work that feels morally wrong or beneath one's perceived status can lead to a loss of self-respect and a feeling that one's personality or ideals are a luxury of ease.

8. Class and Privilege Shape Consequences

The cost of such a crime for a middle-class white boy like himself turns out to be quite different from the price his African-American cell mate has to pay.

Background influences outcomes. Despite the American mythology of meritocracy, race and class significantly impact life chances and the consequences of actions. The same crime can result in vastly different punishments based on social standing.

Privilege offers protection. Coming from a privileged background can provide a buffer against severe repercussions, even for illegal activities. This can manifest as better legal representation, different treatment by authorities, or simply the perception of being "untouchable."

External markers define status. Society often judges individuals based on visible signs of wealth or poverty, like cars, clothing, or even physical appearance. These markers influence how people are treated and perceived, sometimes more than their actual character or actions.

9. The Pursuit of Financial Security is Relentless

I felt I would always keep track; I would always want more money, that even as we filled the kids’ college accounts, there was a trapdoor underneath us...

Anxiety persists despite gains. Even as income increases and savings grow, the fear of losing financial stability can remain. This anxiety can drive a relentless pursuit of more money, fueled by past experiences of scarcity or the perceived high cost of future needs like health care or old age.

Children increase financial pressure. Having children significantly raises the stakes and perceived costs of life. Parents may feel compelled to prioritize security over other desires, making choices based on financial prudence rather than passion or adventure.

Security requires constant effort. Maintaining a sense of safety often feels like an ongoing battle against potential threats – job loss, health issues, economic downturns. This can lead to a focus on hoarding resources and guarding against perceived attacks on one's financial "fortress."

10. Money Reveals Unflattering Truths About Us

At times, money serves as a cruel mirror, casting a surprising and unflattering reflection back at us, a picture of someone we never thought we were, or of someone we hoped never to be.

Money exposes character flaws. How people handle money, especially in times of stress or opportunity, can reveal greed, selfishness, or other negative traits they might not have recognized in themselves. It can push individuals to act in ways they later regret.

Financial interactions test relationships. Money matters can strain even close bonds, highlighting differences in values, trust issues, or underlying resentments. Disputes over money can fundamentally alter how people see each other.

Self-perception is tied to finances. Financial status can deeply impact self-worth and identity. Losing money can feel like a personal failure, while gaining it might lead to arrogance or a distorted sense of self.

11. Divorce Often Becomes a Fight About Money

I have heard it said that marriage is about love and that divorce is about money, and I agree.

Divorce costs are high. Ending a marriage involves significant legal and financial expenses, often requiring couples to spend money they don't have. This financial strain adds to the emotional difficulty of the process.

Money fuels conflict. Disputes over assets, income, and support are central to many divorces. The fight for a "fair share" can become consuming, overshadowing other aspects of the separation and prolonging the process.

Financial security dictates choices. Concerns about maintaining lifestyle, housing, and future needs often drive decisions in divorce. Fear of financial hardship can trap people in unhappy marriages or push them to fight fiercely for resources during the split.

Last updated: May 4, 2025