Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

1. Recognize the Mr. Unavailable and Fallback Girl Dynamic

Meet Mr Unavailable, the emotionally, physically, and spiritually unavailable man that enjoys the fringe benefits of a relationship such as a shag, an ego stroke and shoulder to lean on, without truly committing to you.

The core dynamic. This book unveils the unhealthy relationship pattern between Mr. Unavailable, who avoids genuine commitment while enjoying the perks of a relationship, and the Fallback Girl, who settles for less, hoping for more. It's a cycle of emotional distance and unmet needs, where one person gives crumbs and the other craves a loaf.

Understanding the roles. Mr. Unavailable is often charming but inconsistent, offering just enough attention to keep the Fallback Girl hooked. The Fallback Girl, often unknowingly, accommodates this behavior due to her own underlying issues with self-worth and commitment. This dynamic perpetuates a cycle of disappointment and unfulfilled expectations.

Breaking free requires awareness. Recognizing this pattern is the first step towards breaking free. It involves understanding the behaviors of both Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, and acknowledging the underlying issues that contribute to this unhealthy dynamic.

2. Understand Emotional Unavailability and Commitment Resistance

Emotionally unavailable means not fully emotionally present.

Defining emotional unavailability. Emotional unavailability is the inability to be fully present and engaged in a relationship. It involves difficulty accessing and expressing emotions healthily, leading to emotional distance and intimacy issues.

Commitment resistance. This is the active or passive resistance to binding oneself to another person. It stems from a fear of vulnerability and responsibility, leading to avoidance, sabotage, and stalling in relationships.

The link between the two. Emotional unavailability and commitment resistance are intrinsically linked. If someone struggles to commit to feeling their own emotions, they will likely struggle to commit to a relationship or definite outcomes. This creates a cycle of limited relationships and perpetual indecision.

3. Identify the Signs: Are You a Fallback Girl?

The more tumultuous and dramatic the relationship, the more likely you are to be in it.

Key indicators. This book provides a checklist of surefire signs that you might be a Fallback Girl. These include a penchant for dramatic relationships, attraction to men with baggage, tolerance of ambiguity, difficulty getting over past relationships, and low self-esteem.

Recognizing the patterns. Other signs include a history of difficult relationships, a tendency to keep it casual with one-night stands, a lack of boundaries, and an obsession with changing yourself or your partner. These patterns reveal a deeper need for self-love and healthier relationship standards.

Self-reflection is crucial. Identifying these signs is not about self-blame but about self-awareness. It's about recognizing the behaviors and beliefs that contribute to unhealthy relationship patterns and taking steps to change them.

4. Why Unavailable Relationships Fail: Unhealthy Beliefs and Dynamics

They tick the boxes for unhealthy beliefs that you have about relationships, love, and yourself.

Core reasons for failure. Unavailable relationships don't work because they cater to unhealthy beliefs, are dictated on one person's terms, lack healthy boundaries, involve emotional dishonesty, and sabotage intimacy. They also lack commitment, trust, and a joint agenda.

The role of beliefs. Unhealthy beliefs about relationships, love, and self-worth drive the attraction to unavailable partners. These beliefs create a self-fulfilling prophecy, where negative expectations are reinforced by the relationship's outcome.

Shifting the focus. To break this cycle, it's essential to challenge these unhealthy beliefs and replace them with positive, realistic ones. This involves shifting the focus from the unavailable partner to yourself and prioritizing your own well-being.

5. Mr. Unavailable's Tactics: Hot and Cold, Terms, and Future Faking

When he blows hot, he gains your confidence and creates expectations he’s actually unlikely to deliver on and when cold, he manages down your expectations so that you don’t need, want or expect more than he’s prepared to give.

The hot and cold cycle. Mr. Unavailable often uses a pattern of blowing hot and cold to manage expectations and maintain control. This involves alternating between intense attention and affection and periods of withdrawal and distance.

Controlling the terms. He also dictates the terms of the relationship, ensuring that it remains within his comfort zone. This involves setting the pace, temperature, and direction of the relationship, often through passive-aggressive maneuvers.

Future faking. Another common tactic is future faking, where he makes veiled or direct references to a future together to get what he wants in the present. This creates false hope and makes it harder to break away from the relationship.

6. The Fallback Girl's Role: Pursuing, Enabling, and Ignoring Red Flags

The only reason why a woman pursues a man who is a total flip-flapper who doesn’t know his arse from his elbow is because she has low self-esteem and is afraid to let go of the idea of him and the relationship and accept the reality.

The pursuer. The Fallback Girl often becomes the pursuer in the relationship, chasing after Mr. Unavailable despite his inconsistent behavior. This stems from low self-esteem, fear of rejection, and a desire to "win" his love and commitment.

Enabling behavior. By pursuing and accommodating his whims, the Fallback Girl enables Mr. Unavailable's behavior. This reinforces his belief that he can get away with limited effort and commitment.

Ignoring red flags. The Fallback Girl also tends to ignore red flags and rationalize his actions, often making excuses for his behavior. This prevents her from seeing the relationship for what it is and taking steps to protect herself.

7. Uncover Your Patterns: Parental Issues, Fears, and Beliefs

The male issue with emotional unavailability can be rooted in childhood as the product of unhealthy interactions such as parents who penalise for displaying sensitivity and emotion.

Childhood influences. The book emphasizes the importance of understanding the origins of your relationship patterns. This often involves examining your childhood experiences, particularly your relationships with your parents.

Identifying the roots. Unresolved issues with parents, such as emotional unavailability, abuse, or abandonment, can significantly impact your adult relationships. These experiences can shape your beliefs about love, relationships, and self-worth.

Breaking the cycle. By recognizing these patterns, you can begin to heal from past hurts and break free from unhealthy relationship dynamics. This involves addressing your fears, challenging your beliefs, and learning to love yourself more fully.

8. Break the Cycle: Self-Love, Boundaries, and Action

You need to believe in yourself more than you believe in them.

Self-love is key. The foundation for healthy relationships is self-love. This involves treating yourself with kindness, compassion, and respect, and recognizing your own worth and value.

Setting boundaries. Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial for protecting yourself from disrespect and exploitation. This involves knowing your limits and communicating them clearly to others.

Taking action. Breaking the cycle requires consistent action. This involves making different choices, challenging unhealthy beliefs, and prioritizing your own well-being. It's about taking control of your life and creating a future where you can experience mutually fulfilling relationships.

9. The Importance of No Contact and Decluttering Your Life

Disappearing is hugely disrespectful and a rejection of the relationship. If he disappears, don’t allow him back into your life.

Cutting ties. The book emphasizes the importance of cutting ties with Mr. Unavailable to break the cycle. This often involves implementing the No Contact rule, which means ceasing all communication with him.

Decluttering your life. It also involves decluttering your life of anything that reminds you of him, such as photos, gifts, and social media connections. This creates space for new experiences and helps you move on.

Focus on healing. The goal is to create a clean break and focus on healing and rebuilding your self-esteem. This allows you to move forward with a clear mind and a renewed sense of self-worth.

10. Choose Availability: A New Path to Healthy Relationships

You need to believe in yourself more than you believe in them.

Defining availability. The book concludes by encouraging readers to choose availability. This means being open to healthy, mutually fulfilling relationships with partners who are emotionally present, committed, and respectful.

Shifting your focus. It involves shifting your focus from Mr. Unavailable to yourself and prioritizing your own well-being. This includes setting boundaries, challenging unhealthy beliefs, and learning to love yourself more fully.

Embracing a new path. By choosing availability, you can break free from the cycle of unavailable relationships and create a future where you experience genuine love, connection, and happiness.

Last updated: April 24, 2025