Nobody Is Coming to Save You

1. Identify the Churn as the real enemy.

The enemy is the Churn.

Recognize the enemy. The constant state of distraction, disengagement, disconnection, and distrust in modern life is the true adversary, not other people. This "Churn" is volatile, divisive, fear-inducing, uncertain, complex, crowded, ambiguous, and relentless, eroding confidence and thriving on negativity and interruption. It keeps people in a trance state, focused on survival rather than thriving.

The Four Ds. The Churn is composed of four main elements that work together to keep people stuck and isolated:

• Distraction: Constant digital pings and multitasking reduce attention spans to seconds.
• Disengagement: Lack of purpose leads to quiet quitting and apathy.
• Disconnection: Technology and isolation erode social capital and community bonds.
• Distrust: Loss of faith in institutions and each other fuels division.

Fight the trance. This pervasive state prevents us from seeing clearly, connecting authentically, and getting important things done. Recognizing the Churn and its components is the first step to breaking free from its grip and reclaiming agency in your life and leadership.

2. Understand your Human Operating System: Primal vs. Modern.

We are well-dressed Neanderthals.

Below the waterline. Just like an iceberg, only a small part of our human operating system is visible (modern "contract society" focused on transactions and logic). The vast majority lies below the surface (ancient "status society" ruled by relationships, custom, and emotion). Our brains are wired for this duality, with the left hemisphere focused on acquisition and the right on context and connection.

Modern imbalance. Our tech-heavy world has caused the left brain to dominate, imitating machines and prioritizing logic and transaction over the right brain's need for connection and context. This disconnect from our primal, relationship-based nature leaves us vulnerable to the Churn's shadow tribalism – fear, scarcity, and feud – which our ancient wiring misinterprets as real threats.

Reclaim your nature. To navigate the Churn effectively, you must understand and integrate both aspects of your operating system. Acknowledge your primal need for connection, community, and storytelling, which are often invisible in our modern world but are essential for building trust and mobilizing others.

3. Embrace Rooftop Leadership: Be Surgical, Relational, and Connected.

To be a Rooftop Leader, you’ll have to be surgically coercive but only when absolutely necessary; you’ll have to rise above the churn of conflict by listening, building trust, and taking account of facts on the ground; but most of all you’ll have to connect with people, often radically different than you, like your life depends on it.

Three archetypes. Effective leadership in low-trust, high-stakes environments requires a blend of distinct capabilities, embodied by three archetypes:

• John Wick: Possess surgical, unbending resolve for necessary coercion, used sparingly to protect values.
• Lawrence of Arabia: Master interpersonal skills like listening, rapport-building, and understanding local context to build trust across divides.
• The Verizon Guy: Obsessed with connecting disparate people and groups, running the seams of complex networks to solve problems collaboratively from the bottom up.

Lead from above the Churn. These leaders operate "from the rooftop," maintaining perspective above the chaos while deeply engaging with those on the ground. They bridge the gap between traditional relationship-based approaches and modern transactional ones, understanding that human connection is the ultimate strategic asset.

Essential skills. This leadership model emphasizes skills often dismissed as "soft," but which are in fact hard, difficult to master, and crucial for influence: active listening, empathy, cultural understanding, and the ability to bring diverse groups together around common goals.

4. Seek Meaning: Leave Tracks and Surrender to Purpose.

Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked.

Your responsibility. Finding meaning is a personal mandate; nobody else is coming to save you or define your purpose. This is an opportunity to take responsibility for your life and the impact you have on the world.

Leave your tracks. Focus on creating a legacy by intentionally leaving indelible impressions on the world. This involves three key types of tracks:

• Tracks for our youth: Preparing the next generation for challenges.
• Tracks of capacity: Building the ability for people and organizations to continue thriving after you're gone.
• Tracks of relationships: Forging authentic connections that can span generations and foster reciprocity.

Surrender to purpose. Once you identify your purpose, pursue it relentlessly. A clear, shared purpose cuts through distraction and division, providing focus and energy. It allows you to rise above the Churn and work towards something bigger than yourself, which is a fundamental human need.

5. Manage Emotion: Navigate Conflict and Prioritize Recovery.

When the emotional brain takes over, it locks our attention on what has aroused us, to the increasing exclusion of other information from the environment.

Emotional temperature. Our ancient nervous system reacts to modern stressors (like financial loss) with the same fight, flight, or freeze response meant for saber-toothed tigers. This keeps our emotional temperature elevated, hindering empathy and rational thought, leading to "shovel fights" – inappropriate, primal reactions to modern problems.

Accept and recover. You must manage, not suppress, your emotional temperature. This requires accepting your emotions as valid and prioritizing recovery.

• Micro recovery: Small, in-the-moment resets (deep breaths, quick physical movements) to regulate temperature throughout the day.
• Macro recovery: Planned, longer periods of rest and disconnection (digital detox, time in nature, date nights) to address cumulative stress.

Lead through emotion. Effective leaders understand that logic doesn't move people; emotions do. They manage their own emotional state first, then help others regulate theirs. By creating a calm, parasympathetic environment, they enable connection, listening, and productive navigation of change and conflict.

6. Prioritize Social Connection: Build Trust and Go Local.

The single most common finding from a half-century’s research on the correlates of life satisfaction, not only in the US but around the world, is that happiness is best predicated by the breadth and depth of one’s social connections.

Relationships are strategic. In a disconnected world, social capital – the tangible and intangible links between people – is the foundation of influence and action. Building a diverse portfolio of meaningful relationships, not for transactional gain but because the relationship itself is valued, is crucial for getting things done, especially in hard times.

Bottom-up power. When top-down institutions fail, bottom-up "starfish organizations" or "communities of practice" thrive. These diverse groups, united by a common purpose, leverage personal relationships and local context to solve wicked problems effectively, demonstrating that nobody wins alone.

Build trust when risk is low. The principle is simple: invest in building trust and social capital during calm periods so you can leverage it during crises. This requires intentionality, gratitude (like the cheesy certificates), sacred introductions that go beyond the superficial, and a commitment to "go local" to understand the real context and pain of others.

7. Master Storytelling: Transfer Imagery and Build Hope.

The most powerful person in the world is the storyteller.

Narrative competence. Storytelling is the transfer of relevant imagery between humans, a fundamental way our pattern-matching brains make sense of the world. Narrative competence is the purposeful, real-time use of storytelling to influence and connect, cutting through complexity and creating a trance state that allows listeners to deeply engage.

Stories build bridges. In a polarized world, stories are engines of hope. They provide meaning, context, emotional connection, and are memorable. They allow listeners to locate themselves in the narrative, fostering empathy and relatability. It's hard to hate the storyteller, even across deep divides.

Your story arsenal. Develop different types of stories for different purposes:

• Backstory: Who you are.
• Organizational story: What you're building together.
• Not-your-success story: Highlighting others' journeys.
• Introduction/Recognition stories: Honoring others.
• Vision story: What you're building and how others can help.
  Mastering the physical act of storytelling (Storytelling 301) is key to authentic delivery.

8. Leverage Struggle: Be Generous with Your Scars.

The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.

Struggle is universal. Struggle is a biological necessity for building new neural pathways and is a fundamental part of the human experience. Yet, in our modern world, we often hide our struggles, creating a facade of effortless success that is unrelatable and breeds distrust.

Generosity of scars. A "scar" is a hidden mark borne of struggle that can form connective tissue with others. Being generous with your scars means sharing your struggles authentically, especially the ones you don't want to tell yourself. This vulnerability, reframed as relatability, is incredibly powerful.

No struggle, no story. Struggle is the essential element that makes a story compelling and authentic. Without it, there is no journey, no resolution, and no meaning for the listener. Leaders who integrate their struggles into their narratives become immediately relatable, accelerating trust and inspiring hope in others who are facing their own challenges.

9. Empower the Exhausted Majority: Lead from the Bottom Up.

We need no titles, we need no permission.

The silent majority. Despite the loud, divisive minority amplified by the Churn, two-thirds of Americans belong to the "exhausted majority" who are fed up with polarization and share common ground on many issues. They crave connection, purpose, and effective leadership, but feel unheard and powerless.

Bottom-up upswing. History shows that periods of social capital decline are often followed by grassroots upswings driven by ordinary people taking action without waiting for permission or titles. Examples like AA, the Junior League, and the NAACP demonstrate the power of bottom-up initiatives to create meaningful change and build community.

Lead the change. You have the power to lead this upswing by applying the principles of Rooftop Leadership and the MESSS framework. Focus on human connection, share your story and listen to others', leverage struggle, build communities of practice, and serve the people around you. Your bottom-up actions can inspire others, build trust, and eventually influence top-down institutions, proving that true leadership is more contagious than fear.

Last updated: May 20, 2025