On Being Human

1. Rewrite Your Story: Memory is a Tool, Not a Prison

All the stories that live inside of me, that I am holding, both sustain and haunt me.

Memory as a double-edged sword. Our personal histories, filled with both love and trauma, shape who we are. These stories can either hold us captive or propel us forward, depending on how we choose to engage with them. Recognizing the power of narrative allows us to rewrite our internal scripts.

Agency in storytelling. We have the power to reframe our past, focusing on resilience and growth rather than victimhood. This involves acknowledging pain but refusing to let it define our future. By actively shaping our narratives, we reclaim agency over our lives.

Breaking intergenerational cycles. Understanding family history can illuminate patterns of behavior and belief that have been passed down through generations. This awareness allows us to consciously choose which legacies to embrace and which to break free from, creating a healthier future for ourselves and our descendants.

2. The Art of Unknowing: Embrace Vulnerability

I have spent my whole life trying to hide who I was... And then I stopped hiding.

Authenticity as a magnet. Hiding our true selves, with all our imperfections and vulnerabilities, creates a barrier to genuine connection. When we dare to be honest about our struggles, we invite others to do the same, fostering a sense of belonging and understanding.

Vulnerability as strength. The qualities we often perceive as weaknesses – our fears, insecurities, and past traumas – are actually sources of strength and connection. Embracing these aspects of ourselves allows us to relate to others on a deeper level and build meaningful relationships.

The "fall-in-loveable" self. The parts of ourselves we try to hide are often the very qualities that make us most endearing to others. By allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, we create space for genuine connection and invite others to see and love us for who we truly are.

3. I'm Right Here: Reclaiming Presence

I have always been fascinated with the way light falls across spaces and objects... It was then that I noticed how light made me feel.

The power of presence. The ability to be fully present in the moment, to truly see and hear others, is a rare and precious gift. This requires letting go of distractions, both internal and external, and cultivating a deep sense of awareness.

Overcoming distractions. Many factors can pull us away from the present moment, including anxiety, self-doubt, and external stimuli. By practicing mindfulness and cultivating self-compassion, we can learn to gently redirect our attention back to the here and now.

Connecting through listening. True listening involves more than just hearing words; it requires paying attention to body language, tone of voice, and the unspoken emotions behind the message. This deep level of engagement fosters connection and allows us to truly understand others.

4. The Disappearing Act: Confronting Self-Hate

I was like, Um, all I have to do is tell the truth about who I am? And no one answered, but I took that as a resounding YES.

Self-acceptance as a radical act. In a world that constantly bombards us with messages of inadequacy, choosing to accept ourselves – flaws and all – is a revolutionary act. This involves challenging negative self-talk and cultivating compassion for our own imperfections.

The Inner Asshole (IA). The IA is the internal voice that constantly criticizes and undermines our self-worth. Recognizing and challenging the IA's lies is crucial for cultivating self-acceptance and breaking free from negative patterns.

Rewriting the narrative. We have the power to rewrite the stories we tell ourselves about who we are. This involves challenging negative beliefs and replacing them with more compassionate and empowering narratives.

5. Where Are You in Your Body Right Now?: Embodied Awareness

I have them write the stories down but I ask that they rewrite at least one of them.

The body as a source of wisdom. Our bodies hold a wealth of information about our experiences, emotions, and beliefs. By tuning into our physical sensations, we can gain valuable insights into our inner world.

Connecting to the body. Many factors can disconnect us from our bodies, including trauma, stress, and societal pressures. Practices like yoga, meditation, and mindful movement can help us reconnect to our physical selves and cultivate a deeper sense of embodied awareness.

Listening to the body's messages. Our bodies often communicate through physical sensations, such as tension, pain, or discomfort. By learning to interpret these signals, we can gain valuable insights into our emotional and mental states and take steps to address underlying issues.

6. Sisters, Stepfathers, "Friends": Inherited Trauma and Chosen Family

We're all crawling and clawing our way to get out from the catacombs of what we think we believe our destiny to be.

The weight of the past. Family history and past experiences can have a profound impact on our present lives. Understanding these influences is crucial for breaking free from limiting patterns and creating a healthier future.

Chosen family as a source of healing. While biological family can be a source of pain and trauma, chosen family – the people we intentionally surround ourselves with – can provide a sense of belonging, support, and unconditional love.

Redefining family. The traditional definition of family is often narrow and exclusive. By embracing chosen family, we can create a broader and more inclusive understanding of what it means to belong and be loved.

7. Fear and Loathing in New York: The Descent and the Climb

Yoga opened the door that said DON’T GO HERE, and I went in.

Hitting rock bottom as a catalyst for change. Sometimes, it takes a crisis or a period of intense suffering to jolt us out of complacency and inspire us to make meaningful changes in our lives.

The power of small steps. Even in the midst of despair, taking small steps towards healing and growth can make a significant difference. This might involve seeking therapy, practicing self-care, or connecting with supportive people.

Finding light in the darkness. Even in the darkest of times, glimmers of hope and beauty can still be found. By actively seeking out these moments, we can cultivate resilience and find the strength to keep going.

8. Doing and Undoing Pain: Alchemy of Togetherness

Don Loffredo says this about the mafia: Don’t fight it, cure it, by offering something beautiful in its place.

Transforming pain into purpose. Our deepest wounds can become sources of strength and compassion, allowing us to connect with others who have experienced similar struggles. By sharing our stories and offering support, we can transform pain into purpose.

The alchemy of togetherness. Connecting with others who understand our pain can be incredibly healing. This sense of community allows us to feel less alone and more empowered to navigate challenges.

Creating beauty from ashes. Even in the aftermath of trauma, it is possible to create something beautiful and meaningful. This might involve writing, art, activism, or simply offering a listening ear to someone in need.

9. The Just-A Box: Rejecting Limiting Labels

I don’t want to be in the box, anyway. I call the box “The Just-A Box.”

The danger of labels. Societal expectations and limiting labels can confine us to narrow definitions of who we are and what we are capable of. Rejecting these labels is crucial for embracing our full potential.

Embracing multifaceted identities. We are all complex and multifaceted individuals, with a wide range of interests, skills, and passions. Allowing ourselves to explore these different aspects of ourselves can lead to a more fulfilling and authentic life.

Redefining success. Traditional measures of success often prioritize external achievements over inner fulfillment. By redefining success on our own terms, we can create a life that is aligned with our values and passions.

10. Lessons from The Newsroom: Beauty Hunting in the Mundane

I was a terrible waitress but a pretty decent human.

Finding beauty in the ordinary. Even in the most mundane or challenging circumstances, moments of beauty and connection can be found. This requires cultivating a sense of awareness and appreciation for the small joys of everyday life.

Humanity in service. Even in service roles, where we are often treated as invisible or insignificant, we have the power to connect with others and make a positive impact. This involves treating everyone with respect and kindness, regardless of their social status or background.

The power of connection. The simple act of listening to someone's story, offering a kind word, or sharing a moment of laughter can create a profound connection that transcends social barriers and reminds us of our shared humanity.

11. Gifts, Unexpected and Otherwise: The Power of Receiving

Your heart, held out to another, will always be the greatest gift you can offer.

The art of receiving. Many of us are better at giving than receiving, often feeling unworthy or uncomfortable when others offer us help or support. Learning to receive with grace and gratitude is crucial for fostering healthy relationships and cultivating self-compassion.

Recognizing our worthiness. The belief that we are not worthy of love, support, or good things is a common and deeply ingrained one. Challenging this belief and recognizing our inherent worth is essential for allowing ourselves to receive the gifts that life has to offer.

The ripple effect of generosity. When we allow ourselves to receive, we create space for others to give, fostering a cycle of generosity and connection that benefits everyone involved.

12. Keeping of the Going: The Courage to Create

At the end of my life, when I say one final What have I done?, let my answer be, I have done love.

The importance of action. It's not enough to simply dream or wish for a better life; we must take action to create it. This involves setting goals, taking risks, and pushing ourselves outside of our comfort zones.

Embracing imperfection. Perfectionism can be a major obstacle to creativity and action. By accepting that our efforts will never be perfect, we free ourselves to experiment, learn, and grow.

The power of love. Ultimately, the most important thing we can do with our lives is to love – ourselves, others, and the world around us. This involves cultivating compassion, empathy, and a deep sense of connection to something larger than ourselves.

Last updated: April 4, 2025