Outofshapeworthlessloser

1. The Illusion of Perfection: A Skater's Façade

Gracie Goon, the would-be hockey player, was gone, erased to make room for the Disney princess version that hewed more closely to the wholesome-girl-next-door script.

Fabricated Origin. Gracie Gold's public persona as a figure skater was meticulously crafted from a young age, starting with a fabricated origin story. Her initial desire was for hockey, but her mother steered her towards figure skating, seeing it as a "safe" and "respectable" competitive outlet. This early redirection set the stage for a life where her public self, "Gracie Gold," diverged sharply from her private self, "Grace Elizabeth," and her secret, self-critical "Outofshapeworthlessloser" persona.

Early Conditioning. From childhood, Gracie was conditioned for perfection and external validation. Her compulsion for order, seen in arranging clothes by color, made her an "ideal mark for skating." This environment, coupled with her parents' desire for her success as a validation of their parenting, fostered a need to project a flawless image, even when her inner world was chaotic. The sport's emphasis on precision and appearance reinforced this drive.

Public vs. Private. The constant need to maintain a "permafrost smile" and a "sparkly, sequined" exterior meant suppressing genuine emotions. This split identity became a coping mechanism, allowing her to perform on ice while stuffing down her true feelings. The contrast between her "platinum-blond bun" public image and her "baggy sweatpants" private reality highlighted the deep chasm between who she was expected to be and who she truly was.

2. Family Dysfunction: The Unseen Foundation

More than once, I can remember us driving to a competition, and Mom and Dad would be screaming at each other.

Hidden Turmoil. Despite presenting a united, "Midwestern strong" family image, Gracie's childhood was marked by significant parental discord and hidden issues. Her parents' marriage was strained by infidelity and substance abuse, facts concealed from Gracie and her sister, Carly. This created an environment where "unhappiness" was not allowed, leading to emotional suppression and anger as a primary form of expression.

Parental Roles. Her father, an anesthesiologist, was portrayed as the "fun" parent but had a "hair-trigger temper" and a history of addiction. Her mother, a retired nurse, was the "engine that drives the train," but also struggled with her own drinking and emotional volatility, exacerbated by her husband's affairs. Carly, Gracie's twin, often served as the "Peacemaker," bearing the weight of family secrets and emotional regulation for both Gracie and their mother.

Impact on Children. The constant tension and hidden problems forced Gracie and Carly to internalize the family's dysfunction. They learned to "smile when I felt like crying" and to prioritize external appearances. Gracie's skating success became intertwined with the family's perceived stability, creating immense pressure to perform and validate her parents' sacrifices, even as their personal lives crumbled.

3. The Toxic Crucible of Elite Skating

In this environment, the line between motivational tactics and abuse can be as thin as a skating blade.

Authoritarian Coaching. Gracie's journey through elite figure skating exposed her to a culture where coaches often employed authoritarian methods, blurring the lines between motivation and abuse. Her coach, "Cruella," aggressively played favorites and shamed young skaters, while Alex Ouriashev, though a brilliant technician, resorted to yelling, throwing objects, and body-shaming, reflecting his own Soviet-era training.

Unrealistic Expectations. The sport's relentless pursuit of perfection, combined with the coaches' personal ambitions, created an environment of immense pressure. Gracie was pushed to extremes, including:

• Daily weigh-ins and comments on her body.
• Punishment laps for all skaters if she made two mistakes.
• Intense, often tear-filled, screaming matches with coaches.
  This constant scrutiny and demand for flawlessness contributed significantly to her mental and emotional deterioration.

Lack of Holistic Support. Despite the obvious signs of distress, the system largely failed to provide adequate mental health support. Coaches and officials often dismissed her struggles as immaturity or lack of commitment, rather than recognizing them as symptoms of a deeper crisis. This culture of "snap out of it" and "shake it off" invalidated her feelings and exacerbated her self-loathing, prioritizing performance over well-being.

4. Disordered Eating: A Symptom, Not a Flaw

We feed our passion by starving ourselves.

The Thin Ideal. Figure skating, a "light-body sport," inherently promotes an unhealthy obsession with thinness. Gracie's experience highlights how the subjective nature of judging, combined with societal pressures, conditions skaters from a young age to believe that "smallness equaled strength." This led to a pervasive culture where disordered eating was not only normalized but often implicitly encouraged for competitive advantage.

Escalating Control. Puberty and the demands of triple jumps intensified Gracie's body image issues. She began meticulously tracking calories, subsisting on less than 500 calories a day, and using laxatives, viewing these behaviors as a form of control. This self-starvation was paradoxically rewarded with compliments on her "fit" appearance, reinforcing the dangerous cycle and making her believe that "if I’m thin enough, my problems will disappear."

Systemic Blindness. The sport's inability to address disordered eating as a mental health crisis is a critical flaw. Gracie notes that her struggles were often dismissed as a "willpower" issue, rather than a symptom of deeper psychological distress. The narrative that "if you’re painfully thin but you’re skating well, it’s not a problem" perpetuates a harmful environment where athletes are pushed to the brink, often with long-term health consequences.

5. The Weight of Expectations: Post-Olympic Blues

I was in a weird space. It seemed as if the world knew me, but nobody really saw me.

Post-Olympic Letdown. After achieving her Olympic dream in Sochi, Gracie experienced a profound "post-Olympic blues." The intense focus and singular goal of making the team left a void, leading to questions about her identity and purpose beyond competitive skating. Despite her bronze medal, she felt a "huge letdown" and struggled to find the motivation to continue, grappling with the thought, "Was Sochi as good as it’ll get?"

Public Persona vs. Private Struggle. Her "It Girl" status and numerous endorsement deals created immense pressure to maintain a "sound-bite-delivering doll living her best life" façade. This public image masked a deepening internal crisis, including body dysmorphia, self-hatred, and worsening family dynamics. The disconnect between how the world saw her ("America's Sweetheart") and her internal reality ("Outofshapeworthlessloser") became a source of profound misery.

Unsympathetic Environment. Few people in her orbit seemed to grasp the depth of her despair, often responding with platitudes like "What do you mean, you’re confused/depressed/sad? I just watched you in the Olympics!" This lack of understanding and emotional support, coupled with her own inability to articulate her pain, left her feeling "incredibly alone," further exacerbating her mental health decline.

6. Trauma and Silence: The Unspoken Assault

The trauma of being sexually assaulted distorts your memory and alters time.

Hidden Trauma. A sexual assault severely compounded Gracie's existing mental health struggles, leaving her in "complete survivor mode." Despite knowing her rapist, she initially suppressed the memory due to shame and fear of jeopardizing her "virginal type of beauty" image in the skating world. This silence created further emotional distance from her closest confidante, Carly, and magnified her guilt and self-disgust.

Barriers to Reporting. Gracie's experience highlights the systemic challenges survivors face in reporting sexual assault, especially when alcohol is involved. Her concerns included:

• Lack of credibility due to intoxication.
• Fear of victim-shaming and being labeled an "unreliable slut."
• Uncertainty about how prior consensual interactions might "cloud the facts."
  These fears, combined with the slow and often impersonal process of organizations like SafeSport, delayed her path to justice and healing.

Lingering Impact. Even after reporting the assault, the lack of swift resolution and the continued presence of her rapist in the skating world prolonged her trauma. The incident underscored the pervasive "institutionalized sexism" in the sport, where women's bodies are objectified, and their experiences of harm are often minimized or ignored in favor of maintaining a pristine public image.

7. Hitting Rock Bottom: The Cry for Help

I was in the throes of a mental health crisis, and they were acting like I was throwing myself a pity party.

Escalating Crisis. By 2017, Gracie's mental and physical health had deteriorated to a critical point. Her depression led to extreme apathy, agoraphobia, and a shift from starvation to binge eating, causing significant weight gain. She was "barely present in my own life," contemplating suicide, yet still believed her issues stemmed from a "motivation problem, not a mental illness."

The Champs Camp Meltdown. Her appearance at the elite pre-season "Champs Camp" was a desperate "cry for help." Despite her obvious physical decline (over 50 pounds gained, unkempt appearance), officials initially perceived her as "flipping the bird to the sport" or being a "drama queen." A judge's scathing comment, "It seems like you’ve lost all respect for yourself," triggered a furious, tearful outburst, where she explicitly screamed for help.

Intervention and Validation. Crucially, a sports dietitian and a doctor, Jen and Susie, recognized her behavior as a "real mental health crisis" and trauma response, not self-indulgence. Their validation shattered her "snow globe" of isolation, leading to an offer of inpatient rehab. This intervention, supported by a strength and conditioning coach, Brandon, marked a turning point, as Gracie realized she "wanted to live" and that her problems were not solely "in her head."

8. Reclaiming Identity: Beyond the Ice Princess

To be liked for who I was, as is, was huge.

The Meadows Experience. Gracie's 45-day inpatient treatment at The Meadows, initially perceived as a "cleanse," became a profound journey of self-discovery. Stripped of her phone, electronics, and the pressures of performance, she found a "safe shelter" and realized she was "exactly where I needed to be." She was diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, and OCD, validating her struggles as clinical conditions rather than character flaws.

Authentic Connection. In group therapy, surrounded by "imperfect people," Gracie learned to embrace vulnerability and shed the "Gracie Gold" persona. She reveled in being seen and accepted for who she was, not for her skating achievements. This environment fostered genuine connections, where "being a decent, empathetic, real human being was enough," a stark contrast to the "cookie-cutter culture" of skating.

Emergence of Self. The process allowed a new, authentic self to emerge. She found joy in simple activities like "adult recess" (sand volleyball) and hitting a punching bag, feeling "alive" and "not on autopilot." The realization that her self-loathing was a "party of one" and that others saw her as "funny and brilliant" and "a huge ray of sunshine" was transformative, marking the beginning of her journey to build an identity outside of her disordered eating and skating.

9. The Humbling Comeback: Resilience Amidst Scrutiny

There’s nothing more humbling than being one of the worst girls at the rink. Especially when you used to be the best.

A Difficult Return. Gracie's decision to return to competitive skating after rehab was a monumental challenge, met with skepticism and open disdain from some in the skating community. She faced daily humiliations, including being called a "clown" and "lazy, entitled bitch" by younger skaters and commentators. This period was "truly pathetic" in her own words, as she struggled to regain basic skills like triple jumps.

Redefining Success. Her comeback was driven by a desire to end her career on her own terms and to prove that recovery was possible for an Olympian. She found support in a small group of coaches at IceWorks, particularly Vincent Restencourt and Pasha Filchenkov, who believed in her when her faith was shaky. Pasha, in particular, challenged her ingrained excuses, forcing her to confront the real emotional roots of her struggles rather than blaming her weight.

Building Resilience. The journey was nonlinear, marked by physical pain, mental adjustments, and the need to rebuild her tolerance for falling. She learned to "trust what my body was telling me" and to redefine progress, celebrating small victories like landing a clean double Axel after months of effort. This period was less about achieving perfection and more about showing up daily, demonstrating immense "guts" and resilience.

10. Navigating Complex Grief: John Coughlin's Legacy

I don’t know for sure if John was innocent or not. It’s lose-lose either way.

A Guiding Light. After rehab, John Coughlin, a two-time U.S. national pairs champion, became a crucial figure in Gracie's life. He offered her opportunities to teach seminars, providing financial support and, more importantly, emotional validation. John's "outward cheerfulness" and "uncanny ability to make people smile" helped Gracie reconnect with the skating community and feel "more alive" and "less alone."

Devastating Loss. John's sudden death by suicide, following unspecified allegations of sexual misconduct and his suspension by SafeSport, was a profound blow. Gracie grappled with the agonizing paradox of loving someone accused of being a "sexual predator." His death left her with "weighty questions" about his innocence, her own judgment, and the integrity of the system that seemed to condemn him before a full investigation.

Unresolved Questions. John's case was closed after his death, leaving Gracie and others without closure. This experience highlighted the complexities of justice in the #MeToo era, where the need to believe survivors can clash with due process. Gracie's grief was compounded by the public's quick judgment of John, and her own struggle to reconcile the "caring, compassionate person" she knew with the "monster" portrayed by others.

11. Body Autonomy: A Personal Choice

Forget our uteruses. It’s as if the concept “my body, my choice” doesn’t exist when it comes to our chests.

The Burden of Breast Size. After recovery, Gracie's body changed, developing "two triple-Ds" that impacted her skating and self-perception. Her large chest, a "vulgar symbol" of her inability to control her appetite in the skating world, caused physical discomfort and exacerbated her body dysmorphia. She resorted to "painstaking and painful" chest binding with kinesiology tape, a practice common among transgender individuals, to achieve a flatter, more "streamlined" appearance.

Stigma and Misunderstanding. Her desire for breast reduction surgery was met with disbelief and judgment, even from friends, who equated it with her past eating disorder or called her "crazy" for wanting to reduce a "desirable feature." This highlighted a societal double standard where women's bodies are objectified, and their choices regarding their own physical comfort are often dismissed as "frivolous" or "self-mutilation."

A Path to Freedom. Despite the stigma and cost, Gracie pursued the surgery for health reasons, seeking relief from back and shoulder pain. The procedure, facilitated by a supportive agent and an understanding surgeon, proved transformative. It not only improved her physical comfort and skating but also symbolized a profound act of "body autonomy," allowing her to perform "without something so tight I couldn’t breathe" and feel "freeing."

12. The Unlevel Playing Field: Doping and Sport Integrity

I’m tired of being demure while the sport burns.

Russian Dominance and Doping. The 2022 Beijing Olympics brought Gracie face-to-face with the pervasive issue of doping in figure skating, particularly concerning Russian athletes like Kamila Valieva. The visible musculature of Russian skaters and the subsequent doping scandal involving trimetazidine, a heart drug, raised questions about the legitimacy of past competitions, including her own fourth-place finish in Sochi.

Systemic Corruption. Gracie argues that Russia's "systemic use of performance-enhancing drugs" has created an "unlevel playing field," turning cheating into an "art-form-level endeavor." She criticizes the International Olympic Committee's lenient penalties, which allow Russian athletes to compete despite national bans, undermining the "sanctity of sport" and the trust in competitive results.

The Cost to Clean Athletes. The constant pressure to compete against potentially doped athletes, coupled with the sport's demanding physical and mental toll, creates an impossible situation for clean skaters. Gracie reflects on the irony of her own struggles with starvation and laxatives to achieve a "light-body" ideal, while rivals might have been using "magic pills" for enhanced training and recovery. She questions whether American skaters should even "aspire to be competitive with the Russians now that we know what it requires."

Last updated: July 30, 2025