Parenting the Strong-Willed Child

1. Understand the origins of rebellion to fortify youth against it

The great challenge of parenthood is that there is no exact formula, no guarantees. Just when you think you're beginning to understand a child, they change.

Rebellion has deep roots. It began in the premortal existence with Lucifer's pride and continues on earth as children assert their agency. Understanding this helps parents recognize that rebellion is not just against them, but often against God's plan.

Prevention is key. By teaching children about their divine nature and purpose from an early age, parents can help fortify them against future rebellious tendencies. This includes:

• Explaining the plan of salvation and our role in it
• Teaching about premortal existence and our choice to follow God
• Helping children understand the consequences of choices

Recognize warning signs. Early indicators of potential rebellion include:

• Increased secrecy or withdrawal from family activities
• Sudden changes in friends or interests
• Questioning or challenging previously accepted beliefs and values
• Disregard for rules and authority figures

2. Foster divine-esteem rather than self-esteem in children

When we praise and focus on intelligence or talent over effort we tell our children that their hard work is less valued.

Shift the focus from self to divine worth. Instead of building self-esteem based on worldly accomplishments or comparisons, help children develop a sense of their eternal value and potential as children of God.

Emphasize effort and character growth. Praise children for:

• Perseverance in the face of challenges
• Kindness and service to others
• Spiritual growth and obedience to commandments
• Developing talents and skills through practice

Teach reliance on God. Help children understand that their true strength comes from their relationship with Heavenly Father. Encourage them to:

• Pray for guidance and strength
• Study scriptures to learn of God's love for them
• Recognize and be grateful for God's hand in their lives

3. Create a covenant-centered home environment

If we stay focused on the long-term goals of parenting, we will make better decisions about how to prepare our children for the challenges of adulthood.

Make covenants central to family life. Help children understand the importance of making and keeping sacred promises with God. This includes:

• Teaching about baptismal covenants and their meaning
• Preparing children for temple covenants
• Regularly discussing how family members are living up to their covenants

Create a spiritual atmosphere at home. Prioritize activities that invite the Spirit and strengthen family bonds:

• Daily family prayer and scripture study
• Regular family home evenings
• Displaying temple pictures and other sacred reminders
• Sharing spiritual experiences and testimonies

Set clear expectations based on covenants. Frame family rules and expectations in the context of keeping promises to God, rather than arbitrary parental demands. This helps children internalize the importance of obedience and integrity.

4. Tailor parenting styles to individual child personalities

Someone once said that if you treat three children exactly the same, you are probably mistreating two of them.

Recognize individual differences. Children have unique personalities, strengths, and needs. Common types include:

• Talkers: Socially oriented, expressive
• Doers: Action-oriented, goal-driven
• Thinkers: Analytical, detail-focused
• Planners: Organized, process-oriented

Adapt communication styles. Tailor your approach based on your child's personality:

• Talkers: Use discussions and verbal explanations
• Doers: Provide hands-on experiences and clear action steps
• Thinkers: Offer logical explanations and time for analysis
• Planners: Give structure and help with organizing tasks

Balance parenting styles. Strive for a combination of:

• Love and nurturing
• Clear structure and expectations
• Calm consistency in discipline
• Flexibility to meet individual needs

5. Teach effective problem-solving skills to children

Children need to learn how to be problem solvers. Responsible adults solve problems in a productive way.

Guide rather than solve. When children face challenges, resist the urge to immediately fix things for them. Instead, walk them through a problem-solving process:

1. Identify the problem
2. Brainstorm possible solutions
3. Evaluate pros and cons of each option
4. Choose and implement a solution
5. Reflect on the outcome and adjust if needed

Encourage independent thinking. Ask open-ended questions to help children analyze situations:

• "What do you think caused this problem?"
• "What are some ways you could handle this?"
• "How do you think that solution might work out?"

Teach decision-making skills. Help children learn to:

• Gather information before making choices
• Consider long-term consequences
• Align decisions with personal values and goals
• Seek guidance through prayer and scripture study

6. Help children choose friends wisely and resist peer pressure

If we are to help our children live a more surrendered life, we must do all we can to prevent them from looking in "the grove" for a friend.

Teach friendship criteria. Help children evaluate potential friends based on:

• Shared values and standards
• Positive influence and encouragement
• Respect for family and religious beliefs
• Kindness and integrity

Build resilience against peer pressure. Equip children with strategies to resist negative influences:

• Role-play scenarios to practice saying "no"
• Teach them to recognize manipulation tactics
• Encourage confidence in standing alone for what's right
• Help them develop a strong sense of identity and purpose

Foster positive peer relationships. Provide opportunities for children to form friendships with like-minded peers:

• Church youth activities and classes
• Sports teams or clubs aligned with family values
• Service projects and community involvement
• Family-centered social gatherings

7. Address parental weaknesses to break generational cycles

Our individual "thorns in the flesh" can come from a wide variety of sources.

Recognize personal challenges. Common issues that affect parenting include:

• Unresolved childhood trauma or abuse
• Addictive behaviors or tendencies
• Mental health struggles like anxiety or depression
• Unhealthy coping mechanisms

Seek help and healing. Take steps to address personal weaknesses:

• Counseling or therapy to work through past issues
• Participation in support groups or addiction recovery programs
• Developing healthier coping skills and self-care practices
• Strengthening spiritual foundation through prayer and scripture study

Model growth and change. Let children see you:

• Acknowledging mistakes and asking for forgiveness
• Actively working to overcome challenges
• Relying on the Atonement for strength and healing
• Celebrating progress and personal growth

8. Utilize the Spirit of Elijah to strengthen family bonds

The sweet Spirit of Elijah exists to remind them of the "great things" the Lord has done for their fathers and their fathers and their fathers.

Connect children to their heritage. Help them develop a sense of belonging to something greater than themselves:

• Share family history stories and experiences
• Visit historical sites relevant to family or church history
• Participate in family history research together
• Create family traditions that honor ancestors

Teach about temple work. Help children understand the importance of ordinances for the deceased:

• Explain the concept of eternal families
• Involve them in finding family names for temple work
• Take youth to perform baptisms for the dead when age-appropriate

Foster intergenerational relationships. Encourage connections with extended family:

• Regular visits or communication with grandparents
• Family reunions and gatherings
• Sharing stories and experiences across generations
• Involving older relatives in children's activities and milestones

9. Implement loving discipline with clear rules and consequences

Any rule that cannot or will not be enforced is not a rule, just a wish.

Establish clear family rules. Work together to create guidelines that everyone understands:

• Involve children in the rule-making process when appropriate
• Explain the reasons behind rules and expectations
• Write down and display rules in a visible location
• Regularly review and update rules as children grow

Use natural and logical consequences. Allow children to experience the results of their choices when safe to do so:

• Natural consequences: Let a child who refuses a coat feel cold
• Logical consequences: Revoke car privileges for breaking driving rules

Maintain consistency and follow-through. Enforce rules and consequences calmly and consistently:

• Avoid empty threats or constantly changing rules
• Stay united as parents in enforcing discipline
• Use calm, matter-of-fact language when addressing misbehavior
• Provide positive reinforcement for good choices and behavior

10. Respond to rebellion with patience, love, and spiritual guidance

We cannot expect that one week of Especially for Youth or a handcart trek, no matter how powerful the experience, will make up for a year's steady diet of "fried froth."

Maintain unconditional love. Even when children rebel, continue to show affection and support:

• Separate the behavior from the child's worth
• Look for opportunities to express love and approval
• Maintain open lines of communication
• Create positive experiences and memories together

Set appropriate boundaries. While showing love, maintain clear expectations:

• Establish non-negotiable rules for safety and values
• Allow natural consequences when possible
• Involve the child in problem-solving and making amends

Seek spiritual guidance. Turn to the Lord for help in addressing rebellion:

• Pray for wisdom and patience in dealing with challenges
• Study scriptures for guidance on parenting principles
• Seek priesthood blessings for both parents and children
• Trust in the long-term effects of righteous teachings and example

Focus on the eternal perspective. Remember that this challenging phase is temporary:

• Trust in the sealing power of temple covenants
• Continue to plant seeds of faith, even if not immediately embraced
• Look for small signs of progress and spiritual stirrings
• Never give up hope in the power of the Atonement to heal and change hearts

Last updated: August 11, 2024