Please Stop Laughing at Us... One Woman's Extraordinary Quest to Prevent School Bullying

1. School bullying leaves lasting scars, but survivors can heal and thrive

"I was the kid whom everybody made fun of, the one who always got picked last for gym, who sat alone at lunch every day, who never got invited to hang out with anyone, and who cried herself to sleep every night."

Lasting impact. School bullying can have profound and long-lasting effects on victims, shaping their self-esteem, relationships, and overall outlook on life well into adulthood. The emotional scars from chronic rejection, humiliation, and isolation during formative years can persist for decades.

Healing journey. However, survivors can heal and ultimately thrive. This process often involves:

• Recognizing and validating past trauma
• Seeking professional help or counseling
• Building a supportive network of friends and loved ones
• Developing self-acceptance and self-compassion
• Using personal experiences to help others facing similar challenges

Many survivors, like the author, find that confronting their past and sharing their stories can be both cathartic and empowering, allowing them to reclaim their narrative and inspire others.

2. Bullying takes many forms, including subtle exclusion and "elite tormentors"

"Bullying isn't just the mean things you do, it's all the nice things you never do on purpose."

Beyond physical aggression. Bullying encompasses a wide range of behaviors, many of which are subtle and easily overlooked by adults. Some less obvious forms include:

• Social exclusion and isolation
• Spreading rumors or gossip
• Cyberbullying through social media or text messages
• Manipulative "friendship" behaviors

Elite tormentors. The author introduces the concept of "elite tormentors" - popular students who use their social status to bully others indirectly. These students may not engage in overt aggression but create a toxic environment through:

• Selective invitations to social events
• Creating in-groups and out-groups
• Using social influence to ostracize targets
• Masking bullying behavior as "just joking around"

Recognizing these less visible forms of bullying is crucial for educators, parents, and students to effectively address and prevent harmful behaviors.

3. Traditional punishments often fail; compassionate discipline is more effective

"Traditional punishment doesn't work! It only makes an angry kid angrier."

Limitations of punitive approaches. Detentions, suspensions, and other traditional disciplinary measures often fail to address the root causes of bullying behavior. These punishments can:

• Increase resentment and anger in the bully
• Lead to retaliation against the victim
• Fail to teach empathy or alternative behaviors
• Reinforce a cycle of negative attention-seeking

Compassionate alternatives. The author advocates for "Compassionate Discipline Driven by Curiosity," which focuses on:

• Understanding the underlying reasons for bullying behavior
• Encouraging empathy and perspective-taking
• Assigning meaningful tasks that promote personal growth
• Involving both bullies and victims in problem-solving
• Creating opportunities for positive social interactions

Examples might include having a bully volunteer with vulnerable populations, participate in empathy-building exercises, or engage in restorative justice practices with those they've harmed.

4. Teachers and parents must listen without judgment and take decisive action

"Being a 'parent as advocate' has three parts: first, you must listen without judgment or interjection; then, take immediate and definitive action; and finally, be willing to take personal risks for your child."

Active listening. When a child reports bullying, adults must resist the urge to immediately offer solutions or downplay the situation. Instead:

• Give the child your full attention
• Ask open-ended questions to understand the situation fully
• Validate the child's feelings and experiences
• Avoid blame or judgment, even if the child's actions seem questionable

Decisive action. Once the situation is understood, adults should:

• Develop a clear action plan with the child's input
• Communicate with school officials or other relevant parties
• Follow up consistently to ensure the bullying stops
• Be prepared to escalate the issue if initial efforts are ineffective

Personal advocacy. Parents and teachers may need to:

• Challenge school policies or administrators
• Confront other parents or community members
• Seek outside help from counselors or legal professionals
• Prioritize the child's well-being over social or professional discomfort

5. Bullied students need alternative social outlets and confidence-building activities

"Seek an alternative social outlet through the local park district, community center, or public library."

Expanding horizons. Encouraging bullied students to engage in activities outside of school can:

• Provide opportunities to make new friends
• Develop skills and interests that boost self-esteem
• Offer a respite from the stressful school environment
• Demonstrate that social success is possible in other contexts

Confidence-building strategies:

• Enrolling in classes or clubs aligned with the student's interests
• Participating in volunteer work or community service
• Joining sports teams or fitness groups
• Attending workshops or camps focused on personal development

It's important to choose activities in neighboring communities to avoid potential conflicts with school peers and provide a fresh social start.

6. Standing up to bullies nonviolently is crucial for maintaining dignity

"Standing up for yourself nonviolently in the moment abuse occurs is your human right. Violence and vengeance are the wrongs."

Effective confrontation. The author recommends a specific approach for targets of bullying:

1. Make direct eye contact with the bully
2. Speak firmly and without emotion, telling them to stop
3. Maintain eye contact for a few seconds after speaking
4. Walk away confidently
5. Briefly turn back and say "See you later" to show lack of fear

Building resilience. This approach serves multiple purposes:

• Asserting personal boundaries and dignity
• Demonstrating to the bully that their actions won't be tolerated
• Boosting the target's confidence and sense of control
• Avoiding escalation into physical violence
• Potentially changing the bully's perception of the target

While this strategy may not immediately stop all bullying, it helps maintain the target's self-respect and can lead to long-term changes in dynamics.

7. Schools must create a culture of acceptance and empathy to prevent bullying

"The possibilities are infinite."

Systemic approach. Preventing bullying requires more than just addressing individual incidents. Schools should focus on:

• Implementing comprehensive anti-bullying programs
• Training all staff in recognizing and responding to bullying
• Integrating empathy and social-emotional learning into the curriculum
• Celebrating diversity and promoting inclusion

Student empowerment. Effective strategies often involve students directly:

• Peer mediation programs
• Student-led anti-bullying campaigns
• "Mix it up" days to encourage interaction across social groups
• Anonymous reporting systems for bullying incidents

Community involvement. Schools should engage parents, local organizations, and community leaders in creating a culture of acceptance that extends beyond school walls.

8. Adult survivors of bullying may struggle with PTSD and need ongoing support

"We are Adult Survivors of Peer Abuse, a ghostly population of individuals struggling to break free of your influence."

Long-term effects. Many adults who experienced severe bullying in childhood continue to struggle with:

• Low self-esteem and self-doubt
• Difficulty forming and maintaining relationships
• Anxiety and depression
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms
• Challenges in professional settings

Healing strategies. Adult survivors can benefit from:

• Professional therapy or counseling
• Support groups with other survivors
• Mindfulness and stress-reduction techniques
• Cognitive-behavioral therapy to address negative thought patterns
• Gradual exposure to anxiety-provoking social situations

Recognizing that these struggles stem from past trauma, not personal failings, is a crucial step in the healing process for many adult survivors.

9. Activism against bullying is challenging but can create meaningful change

"I'm going to ask you to do something for me now. I want you to close your eyes and remember the worst moment in your life, a specific moment when someone you really care about either said or did something that really hurt you, that made you wish you'd never been born."

Personal toll. Anti-bullying activism can be emotionally draining, especially for those with personal experiences of bullying. Challenges include:

• Reliving past trauma while sharing one's story
• Facing skepticism or resistance from schools and communities
• Balancing advocacy work with personal life and relationships
• Coping with the ongoing exposure to others' pain and struggles

Creating impact. Despite these challenges, activism can lead to significant positive changes:

• Raising awareness about the severity and prevalence of bullying
• Inspiring policy changes in schools and communities
• Providing hope and support to current victims of bullying
• Empowering survivors to reclaim their narratives and help others

Effective activists often need to develop strong self-care practices and support systems to sustain their work long-term.

Last updated: August 1, 2024