Polysecure

1. Attachment Theory: The Foundation of Secure Relationships

Healthy attachment is a deep bond and an enduring emotional closeness that connects people to one another across space and time.

Attachment theory explains how our early relationships shape our ability to form secure bonds throughout life. Developed by John Bowlby, it posits that humans have an innate need for connection and safety. Secure attachment develops when caregivers consistently meet a child's needs, fostering:

• A sense of safety and trust
• Ability to regulate emotions
• Healthy self-esteem
• Resilience in the face of stress

In adulthood, secure attachment translates to:

• Comfort with intimacy and independence
• Effective communication in relationships
• Ability to seek and provide support
• Resilience during conflicts

Understanding attachment theory provides a framework for developing healthier, more fulfilling relationships, whether monogamous or nonmonogamous.

2. Understanding Insecure Attachment Styles

Our attachment styles are survival adaptations to our environment and since they were learned, they can also be unlearned.

Insecure attachment styles develop when caregivers are inconsistent, unavailable, or threatening. The three main insecure styles are:

1. Anxious/Preoccupied:

   • Fear of abandonment
   • Hypervigilance in relationships
   • Tendency to seek excessive reassurance

2. Avoidant/Dismissive:

   • Discomfort with intimacy
   • High value on independence
   • Difficulty expressing emotions

3. Fearful-Avoidant/Disorganized:

   • Conflicting desires for intimacy and independence
   • Unpredictable responses in relationships
   • Often stems from trauma or abuse

Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healing and developing more secure relationships. It's important to remember that attachment styles are not fixed identities but adaptable strategies that can be changed through self-awareness and intentional work.

3. The Dimensions of Attachment: Anxiety and Avoidance

Both the secure and dismissive styles would be considered as being low in attachment anxiety, but I don't think they are felt in the same way.

Attachment dimensions provide a more nuanced understanding of attachment styles. Rather than rigid categories, attachment can be viewed along two continua:

1. Attachment Anxiety:

   • Low: Comfort with intimacy, less fear of abandonment
   • High: Fear of rejection, need for constant reassurance

2. Attachment Avoidance:

   • Low: Comfort with closeness and interdependence
   • High: Discomfort with intimacy, high value on self-reliance

This model allows for a more flexible understanding of attachment, recognizing that:

• People can exhibit different levels of anxiety and avoidance
• Attachment patterns can vary across relationships and situations
• Change is possible by moving along these dimensions

Understanding these dimensions helps individuals identify their patterns and work towards more secure functioning in relationships.

4. The Nested Model: Attachment Across Multiple Levels

Attachment unfolds over multiple levels of the human experience.

The nested model expands our understanding of attachment beyond individual and relational levels. It recognizes that attachment is influenced by and expressed across multiple dimensions:

1. Self: Individual thoughts, feelings, and behaviors
2. Relationship: One-on-one interactions with attachment figures
3. Home: Family dynamics and physical living environment
4. Local Culture and Communities: Social groups, work, school, religious communities
5. Social: Larger societal structures and institutions
6. Global/Collective: Environmental factors and collective human experiences

This model helps us understand that:

• Attachment issues can stem from any of these levels
• Healing can occur across multiple dimensions
• Societal and cultural factors play a significant role in shaping attachment

By considering all these levels, we can develop a more comprehensive approach to understanding and improving attachment security.

5. Consensual Nonmonogamy: Exploring Ethical Non-Traditional Relationships

Consensual nonmonogamy (CNM) is the practice of having multiple sexual and/or romantic partners at the same time, where all people involved are aware of this relationship arrangement and consent to it.

Consensual nonmonogamy encompasses various relationship structures that ethically involve more than two people. Key aspects include:

• Transparency and consent among all involved
• Emphasis on open communication
• Valuing personal autonomy and growth

Common types of CNM:

1. Polyamory: Multiple romantic and sexual relationships
2. Open relationships: Primary partnership with agreed-upon outside sexual encounters
3. Swinging: Couples engaging in sexual activities with other couples or individuals
4. Relationship anarchy: Rejecting relationship hierarchies and predefined rules

Motivations for CNM vary, including:

• Desire for sexual and emotional diversity
• Philosophical beliefs about love and relationships
• Personal orientation towards multiple partnerships

Understanding CNM requires challenging mononormative assumptions and recognizing the validity of diverse relationship structures.

6. Attachment in Nonmonogamous Relationships: Challenges and Opportunities

Going CNM can expose your individual attachment insecurity.

Nonmonogamous relationships present unique challenges and opportunities for attachment. Key considerations include:

Challenges:

• Exposure of pre-existing attachment insecurities
• Inherent relationship insecurity due to multiple partners
• Potential for attachment anxiety or avoidance to intensify

Opportunities:

• Personal growth through confronting insecurities
• Development of stronger communication skills
• Potential for multiple secure attachments

Strategies for navigating attachment in CNM:

• Cultivate self-awareness about attachment patterns
• Communicate openly about needs and boundaries
• Develop self-soothing techniques for managing anxiety
• Practice compersion (joy in partner's other relationships)
• Seek support from therapists familiar with CNM

Recognizing that attachment issues in CNM often stem from the paradigm shift rather than nonmonogamy itself can help individuals and couples navigate these challenges more effectively.

7. HEARTS: A Framework for Cultivating Polysecure Relationships

Being polysecure is having secure attachment with yourself and your multiple partners.

The HEARTS framework offers a guide for developing secure attachment in nonmonogamous relationships:

H - Here: Being present and available

• Practice mindful presence with each partner
• Communicate clearly about availability and responsiveness

E - Expressed Delight: Showing appreciation and joy

• Regularly express gratitude and admiration
• Cultivate a culture of positivity in relationships

A - Attunement: Understanding and responding to partners' needs

• Practice active listening and empathy
• Develop skills in emotional intelligence

R - Rituals and Routines: Creating stability and predictability

• Establish regular check-ins and date nights
• Create unique rituals for each relationship

T - Turning Towards after Conflict: Effective repair and reconnection

• Develop healthy conflict resolution skills
• Prioritize repair and reconnection after disagreements

S - Secure Attachment with Self: Cultivating internal security

• Develop self-awareness and self-compassion
• Practice self-care and emotional regulation

Implementing these principles can help individuals and their partners develop more secure, fulfilling nonmonogamous relationships.

8. Developing Secure Attachment with Yourself

Secure attachment with yourself means being aware of your feelings and desires, as well as being able to tend to your own needs and knowing how to advocate for them in relationships.

Self-attachment is crucial for overall relationship health, especially in nonmonogamous contexts. Key aspects include:

1. Self-awareness:

   • Recognize your emotions, needs, and triggers
   • Understand your attachment patterns and their origins

2. Self-regulation:

   • Develop skills to manage emotions and stress
   • Practice self-soothing techniques

3. Self-compassion:

   • Cultivate a kind, understanding inner voice
   • Challenge negative self-talk and shame

4. Self-advocacy:

   • Communicate your needs clearly in relationships
   • Set and maintain healthy boundaries

Strategies for developing self-attachment:

• Regular self-reflection practices (journaling, meditation)
• Therapy or counseling to address attachment wounds
• Body-based practices for emotional regulation
• Cultivating supportive friendships and community

By developing a secure attachment with yourself, you create a strong foundation for healthy relationships with others, whether monogamous or nonmonogamous.

Last updated: January 22, 2025